Recognising Karmic Relationships

Lovers - by Olivia Bee

Lovers – by Olivia Bee

“When someone has a strong intuitive connection, Buddhism suggests that it’s because of karma, some past connection.”
~ Richard Gere

 

Karmic relationships are a big part of our growth. We can experience a karmic relationship with lovers, siblings, children, parents or friends, even work colleagues.

Contrary to popular opinion, not all karmic relationships are soul mate relationships.  Rather, karmic relationships happen because before we came to this life we have made a conscious choice to come together with another soul so that we can share, support, learn, heal, resolve past life issues, forgive and grow.

There are several defining characteristics of karmic relationships, but the most obvious ones are:

  • instant recognition of each other on some level, especially when there is no way you have ever met before
  • strong, and often unexplainable attraction (the sort we can’t justify to ourselves, let alone family or friends)
  • an intensity to the relationship, either positive or negative
  • a tendency for the relationship to become for a time, the most dominant or perhaps even our ONLY relationship
  • a deep emotional or physical connection, often that has an addictive quality
  • an ability to really press each other’s buttons
  • an inability to easily walk away
  • a feeling of the need to stay, even if it is hard, so that you can work through or resolve something

Usually karmic relationships serve to bring you together for a definite purpose, and once that purpose is achieved, the ‘spell’ is broken and the relationship loses its pull. Looking back you might wonder what ever brought you together – even you won’t understand it!

Many of my clients have experienced intense friendships or love relationships that taught them hard lessons, that changed them in some way, and that caused them to move in a new direction.  Often these relationships were painful, uncomfortable and a wild ride.  None of their friends or family understood why they were in that relationship, and it often made little sense to my clients either, but they couldn’t seem to help it or avoid the pull of the other person.

A large number of them then went on to find a lifelong partner, or a satisfying new life direction…

Not all relationships are difficult – some are wonderful, but last only a short time.  They buoy us up and remind us of something positive and important about ourselves, building a stronger sense of self and purpose.

Some karmic relationships will support you for your entire life, and if one person dies before the other the one who remains will not find someone to replace that love, and that feeling of deep connection will endure even if that person takes a new partner.  Note – this relationship may not be with a lover, but could also be with a friend or family member.

These enduring karmic relationships are characterised by:

  • the feeling that you understand in each in ways other people can’t
  • a feeling of loyalty and a deep bond
  • a sense of being very comfortable with the other person, as if you’ve known them forever, even if you’ve just met
  • a knowledge that you are sharing a path through life
  • a feeling of deep trust, and a knowledge that you are supported by this person
  • an easiness with one another, even if you do have issues to work through
  • an ability to truly forgive, and to move on, together
We are all connected, often in ways we can’t possibly understand from where we are, down here. I find it incredibly reassuring, to know that love transcends time and space, and that we care enough about each other as souls to show up in each others lives over and over again.
If you’d like to read more about karmic relationships and the incredible power of love you might enjoy these posts:
The baby who needed to speak – about the love between brothers and a powerful act of forgiveness and redemption
The lady who walked out of my past – an enduring romantic love across time and space, and the karmic love connections of a soul group and family
Alice’s lifelong invisible friend – how love endures and supports us even when someone has died
Our spooky pup – an argument for pet reincarnation – our pets often come back to us, in that same karmic wheel of love

Someone to watch over me…

A light in the darkness by crywolf

A light in the darkness by crywolf96

“It is the custom of every good mother after her children are asleep to rummage in their minds and put things straight for next morning, repacking into their proper places the many articles that have wandered during the day. If you could keep awake (but of course you can’t) you would see your own mother doing this, and you would find it very interesting to watch her. It is quite like tidying up drawers. You would see her on her knees, I expect, lingering humorously over some of your contents, wondering where on earth you had picked this thing up, making discoveries sweet and not so sweet, pressing this to her cheek as if it were as nice as a kitten, and hurriedly stowing that out of sight. When you wake in the morning, the naughtinesses and evil passions with which you went to bed have been folded up small and placed at the bottom of your mind; and on the top, beautifully aired, are spread out prettier thoughts, ready for you to put on.” 

~ J.M. Barrie

Remember, I was telling you about the lady who came and sat on my sister’s bed when we were little? Back when I was four, and Simone was two and a half?

I felt quite afraid those nights when my sister was sick. Her skin and hair was sticky with sweat. She was so hot, and she tossed and turned and whimpered in her sleep.

Each night after the world was asleep the beautiful lady surrounded by the silver-blue light would come to our room.  Each night she would comfort my sister, sing to her, and talk to her in her low, sweet voice. She spoke the funny language that I found out much, much later was French.

At the end of one of these visits, when I sensed she was about to leave, I asked her why she was visiting.

“I am her Mummy,” she said to me somehow. “Her Mummy from another time. When a mother loves her child, the love lasts forever.”

She touched my hand. It made me feel so warm inside. “We are family,” she said.  “Remember that.  Family means love forever. There is always someone watching over you.”

She kissed me on the forehead. “One day you will remember…”

And then she was gone.

At the darkest times of my life I have recounted that conversation. After my grandmothers passed away, Marga in 2011 and then Nana late last year, I finally understood what that meant – to have someone watching over you. I felt it in my heart.

As my sister and I research our family tree, and connect into previous generations and our more ancient lines, I feel the weight of this love more and more.

For all of you – those who already feel loved, and those who feel lost or alone – let me reassure you. There is family stretching far back, whose lives are braided through with yours over and over again.

Some call it family, some call it ancestors, some call it soul group. It really doesn’t matter by what name we know it.  All that matters is this – the magic in this world is love. It’s the energy that follows us, sustains us, and lifts us up. It’s all around us, even when we can’t see it.  Even if we choose to believe it’s not there.

I’m looking forward to sharing more of that magic with you…

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Nicole Cody’s Magical Owl Oracle

Uncommon Eagle Owl by miriadna.com

Uncommon Eagle Owl by miriadna.com

“The teacher who is indeed wise does not bid you to enter the house of his wisdom but rather leads you to the threshold of your mind.”~ Khalil Gibran

Owls have been such a dominant theme on my blog here over the past few weeks that while I’ve been swanning around in my pyjamas I thought I’d channel a little owl oracle to help us find a message relevant to our daily lives right now.

Owls are known as messengers, so let each owl speak to you in its own way.  One of them will have some wisdom just for you!

Instructions for using today’s post

Scroll down through the following owl images and then let yourself come back to the one you are most drawn to.

When you have chosen your owl, scroll further down for your message; designed to help you focus on spiritual and personal growth.

Trust that you will be shown what you most need to know right now.

Love and Light,

Nicole ♥ xx

Let The Owls Guide You…

1.  Great Horned Owl:

2.  Screech Owl:

Image from www.houstonaboretum.org

3.  Baby Owl with Duckling:

Image from www.tehcute.com

4.  Barn Owl:

Image from www.truewildlife.blogspot.com.au

5.  Gray Owl with her children:

Image from www.wallpaperswala.com

6.  Snowy Owl:

7.  Winter Owl:

Image from www.wall.alphacoders.com

8: Flying Owl:

Image from www.wdfw.wa.gov.

Image from www.wdfw.wa.gov

♥ The Healing Message and Gift of each Owl ♥

Each owl image has a message for you. I have also selected a crystal to best support the message and energies of change in your life.  You could wear or hold this crystal, pop it in your pocket, under your pillow or beside your bed. (If you’d like to know more about working with crystals click here) The Power Word is a word to remind yourself of the quality you most need right now.  You can turn it into your own personal mantra by saying “I choose ___________ ” (insert your Power Word).

1.  Great Horned Owl:

♥ Message – Great Horned Owl wants you to have courage.  Stand up for yourself and your values, ideas and relationships.  Set clear boundaries with others, and be prepared to defend them. Let go of those who treat you badly.  Don’t ever let yourself be bullied or bossed around. Seek friends, workplaces and social situations where you are valued and treated well. Trust that true relationships are coming into your orbit now. Know that real love and deep friendships are possible and that magic is in the air.

♥ Crystal – Tiger Iron  

♥ Power Word – Self Respect

2.  Screech Owl:

♥ Message – Screech Owl suggests that you withdraw for a while.  Plan some time to reflect, relax and cocoon yourself away from worry and stress.  Rejoice in your own company.  Pamper yourself. Allow time to recharge so that you come back into the world refreshed and positive. We do not get the best of you when you constantly push yourself so hard. Withdraw, and know you will come back stronger.

♥ Crystal – Rose Quartz

♥ Power Word – Nurture

3.  Baby Owl with Duckling:

♥ Message – Baby Owl will one day grow up to be a powerful bird. Inside you there is a similar energy. Often the people who have known us longest, and who love us best, fail to see our true nature. The duckling wants the baby owl to be a duckling too.  But owl has a different destiny.  Embrace your destiny. Embrace your talents and gifts.  Don’t be afraid that your path may be different to those around you.  This is what you were born to, so welcome your individuality. Those who matter will still love us, even when we change and grow, and by being who we truly are we invite new love and new possibility into our lives.

♥ Crystal – Clear Quartz

♥ Power Word – Individuality

4.  Barn Owl:

♥ Message – Barn Owl heralds the need for freedom, and for lifting yourself up so that you can gain clear perspective.  Let go of emotional thinking – step away so that you can think things through more objectively.  Write a list of pro’s and cons. Weigh your options, then make decisions from a place of calm. Create your plan. Make your decisions work best for you by choosing your timing.  Expect help from the Universe as you take these steps to change your life.

♥ Crystal – Hematite

♥ Power Word – Clarity

5.  Gray Owl with her children:

♥ Message – What a beautiful way you have with people.  How wise your words, how caring your nature.  How you uphold the rights of the downtrodden and the weak. Gray Owl comes to remind you that you are a natural counsellor and healer, just by the way you interact with people in your everyday world. You might not ever understand how you positively shape the lives of others, but know that you do.  This ability to comfort and heal, and to champion social justice is a natural gift.  If it feels right, you may want to pursue this further.  Keep living with integrity.  We need your Light in the world.

♥ Crystal – Amethyst

♥ Power Word – Compassion

6.  Snowy Owl:

♥ Message – Snowy Owl comes to tell you that you must invest in yourself; in your knowledge, skills and education. Learn, polish your craft, and when you’re ready put yourself out into the world. With knowledge, you will grow.  With practice you will shine. And one day, Snowy Owl expects that you will teach, so that you gift others the legacy of your wisdom.

♥ Crystal – Fluorite

♥ Power Word – Learning

7.  Winter Owl:

♥ Message – Winter Owl heralds a time of spiritual awakening. Trust in a greater wisdom, and to know that there is a Higher Plan for your life even though you might not yet understand what that may look like.  Retreat from the world when you need to. Protect yourself from people and situations that diffuse your enthusiasm and personal energy. Spend time in reflection, contemplation and study.  Allow yourself some time to settle into your new energies, and be gentle with yourself during this time of transformation. Be gentle with yourself, rest often, and eat well. Expect guidance from the animal kingdom.

♥ Crystal – Lapis Lazuli

♥ Power Word – Awakening

8: Flying Owl:

♥ Message – Now is not the time for shrinking into the background. Flying Owl encourages you to be bold! Blaze a trail.  Back yourself. Pounce on opportunities, speak up, throw your hat in the ring for the job you want, invite the person out who catches your eye, submit your project, enter the competition, put your hand up, look life in the eye and say YES!

♥ Crystal – Any Jasper you are drawn to

♥ Power Word – Action

 

A Guided Meditation for Heart Healing

“The human heart has a way of making itself large again even after it’s been broken into a million pieces.” 
~ Robert James Waller, The Bridges of Madison County

No-one is immune to heartache, loneliness or troubled relationships. Human hearts were made to love, but in loving – or having no-one to love – our heart can get bent out of shape, cracked or even broken.

The Japanese have a practice called Kintsugi. They take broken pottery and mend it with amalgam infused with gold dust so that the repair work is obvious.  The restored pottery is considered to have great value because of the fact that the object has suffered damage and has then been restored so that the flaws and damage are shown rather than hidden.  It becomes a thing of beauty.

Kintsugi - image from plrc

Kintsugi – image from plrc

This reminded me of the human heart, and Rumi’s beautiful quote:

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” 

Today I’ve recorded a guided meditation that focuses on heart healing. It takes sixteen minutes, but I would suggest allowing extra time at the end for you to integrate the energy of the meditation.

All you need to do is find a spot to sit or lie quietly, and then follow along to the sound of my voice.  Feel free to hold a crystal of your choice if that feels right for you.

When you’re ready just click on the play button below:

Nicole Cody’s Guided Meditation for Heart Healing

You are beautiful, worthy and lovable just as you are.

You can heal, and you can know love. Love is your pure nature. It is what we have come from and the energy to which we will return.

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Real Friendship

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.” 
~ Anaïs Nin

My husband Ben, the dogs and one of Ben’s good mates went back down to our farm at the crack of dawn yesterday to check on the cattle and do some heavy farm work. They’ll work hard all weekend, eat like bachelors, leave the house in disarray and arrive back in Brisbane on Sunday night filthy, exhausted and in good spirits.

On Monday, after a final doctor’s appointment, Ben will take me home to the farm again, but for this weekend I am alone in the city.

Alone? No, that’s not quite right.

I’ve talked with my sister each day on the phone, I’ve sent and received texts and emails from friends near and far, I’ve reached out in meditation and connected to the people I care about. I’ve seen a handful of clients and given and received plenty of hugs.

Last night was spent in the company of friends. I’m not driving right now due to health problems, which makes me feel just that little bit more isolated. No matter! A friend picked me up on the dot of five o’clock and we travelled a few suburbs over to the house of another friend.

We sat in the lounge, sipped tea and trawled through the best (?) bits of B grade movies, talked Star Trek philosophy with my friend’s husband, chatted to kids and dogs, ate pizza, laughed, talked books and writing, demolished bowls of apple pie and ice-cream, laughed and talked some more, and then I was delivered safely back home to my front door (my friend waited until I’d let myself in and waved to show I was okay) and I was tucked up in bed by 8.30pm.  Another late night! :)

Image by 1darthvader

Image by 1darthvader

I don’t have adequate words to express what’s in my heart about real friendship. It fills the empty spaces, and leaves you satisfied and content.

Real friendship? Yes, real. Real friends understand when you’re not up to disco dancing, bright lights and mad crowds. Real friends care. When you’re with real friends you don’t have to worry about how you look, if you get parsley stuck in your teeth, spill food on your clothes, or make an embarrassing social gaffe. Real friends don’t mind if you act like a Nana, eat early dinner and are home in bed before their young children are even in their pyjamas…

Ben’s home at our farm with a real friend. The kind of friend who rang us during the floods and storms that devastated our farm earlier in the year, and drove down to lend a hand chainsawing fallen trees, carting debris and mending fences. They help each other out. They share. They laugh. They tell bad jokes. It’s a mutual exchange.

I’m home in the city with real friends looking out for me, taking me for outings, calling me to see how I am and sending messages of support and encouragement.

My real friends just let me be me. And they remind me of the best bits of myself – the bits that sometimes get overshadowed by illness, fatigue or despair.

I’d rather have a handful of real friends than an army of casual acquaintances, party friends and ‘friends’ who only call you when they want something.

Today, I’m giving thanks for the gift that is friendship, and wishing that same gift for you. Bless  ♥ xx

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What happened to the Sisterhood?

Image from www.demotix.com

Image from www.demotix.com

“Nobody objects to a woman being a good writer or sculptor or geneticist if at the same time she manages to be a good wife, a good mother, good-looking, good-tempered, well-dressed, well-groomed, and unaggressive.”  ~ Marya Mannes

I briefly thought about titling this post ‘Sisters, don’t be Bitches!’…

It is somewhat surprising to me – as a child of the eighties, growing up with the work of the suffragettes and feminists behind me, and my future status as an equal citizen in the world presumed – that now in 2013 I am writing, not about men, but to other women.

Sisters!  Wake up!

Feminism and the Women’s Movement was about giving us choices. We can vote or choose to become an elected representative of government ourselves. We have access to education and we can choose a path of study.  We can choose to marry. We can choose to have children or not.  We can choose to go to work or stay at home with a family. Or we can do both. We can choose to be a florist, a pole-dancer, a bio-physicist. We can choose high heels or sensible flats. Cosmetic surgery or au naturale. That’s the whole point. We get to choose.

Duh, I hear you say.  I know that, Nicole.

Well, that’s good.  But there’s another part to this equation. We get to choose but the flipside of this is that feminism won’t work if we then judge each other’s choices.

We need to stick together here. There’s no right or wrong, only choices. We need to support each other, and our right to make choices, to be individuals, and to forge our own paths.

A woman is not a better woman because she stays home with her children. She is not a better woman because she works. She is not worse for having no children, or for having six. She is not lesser for being a bad cook, a poor housekeeper, or ambitious in the workplace. She is not more because she has a trim figure, sex appeal or fashion sense. A woman is just who she is – an individual making choices.

The media is full of judgments and statements about women, and what a ‘good’ woman, an ‘ideal’ woman, a ‘healthy’ woman, a ‘sexy’ woman should be like. That’s a dangerous thing to buy into. When we start saying this is ‘good’ and this is ‘bad’ we erode each other, and we undo all the work that was done to enable us to have these choices in the first place.

Stepford Wives image from www.blogs.tribune.com.pk

Stepford Wives image from www.blogs.tribune.com.pk

The truth is that women still do the lion’s share of child-raising, housework, care-giving and looking after elderly parents. On top of careers. On top of personal interests, relationships and friendship maintenance.

We all take different paths and there are many more paths available to us now, but one thing needn’t change. Traditionally, women have supported each other. Grandmothers, elders, aunties, mothers, sisters, friends – they’ve come together to help each other with child raising, families, relationships, nursing the sick, cooking, creating, connecting and grieving. They have shared their wisdom and skills with one another, and enabled those with particular interests or skills to shine, while holding up those who are walking a difficult path. That is one of the magnificent things about being female – this long tradition of support, emotional connection and caring.

It costs nothing to give encouragement or kindness. Respecting each other and our individual choices makes the journey easier and more satisfying for all of us. And it sets an important example for future generations.

We’re living in extraordinary times. And so much of what we enjoy and take for granted has come about from the efforts of strong and determined women who wanted more for themselves, their sisters, their friends and their children.

Our society is made beautiful through this amazing tapestry of diversity. And that diversity is created from the right to choose.

Choice is important to all of us. It’s a basic human right.

Men make choices all the time and are not greatly judged or examined by their peers for their actions.

So why should women treat each other so differently?

Sisters, I’m asking you – support each other and our right to choose.  Celebrate that diversity and the many options we can take in our lives. And if what another woman chooses is different from you, that’s okay.  In fact, it’s wonderful. We are not just women – we are people.  Individuals. No two the same.

Most of us wish for more support and connection in our lives. It starts by suspending judgement and extending kindness and respect, especially to other women. Imagine the world we can co-create founded on that energy!

Healing Old Hurts


“We are often haunted by important relationships from the past that influence us unconsciously in the present. As we work them through, they go from haunting us to becoming simply part of our history.” 
~ Norman Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself: Stories of Personal Triumph from the Frontiers of Brain Science

 

Why is it that some things are so hard to let go? I’m not talking about that happy reminiscing we all indulge in from time to time, where we look back on relationships or incidents from our past with a fondness or a good humour. I’m referring instead to those things that we can’t seem to move on from – where remembering them and recounting them re-opens old wounds, and causes pain almost as fresh as the day we were first hurt.

One of the precious privileges I have as a psychic is bearing witness to the pain many people suffer around their relationships. Even people who seem to have the most ‘together’ lives often open up and reveal how much they still hurt over relationships with family and others that they love or have loved deeply.

Old ladies in their nineties still worrying about fallings-out with their sisters when they were mere teenagers, old men are still bowed and shamed by incidents with their fathers or grandfathers.  People yearn and ache for lost loves and relationships that ended badly. We grieve mistakes and bad choices, and crucify ourselves for past decisions. We carry these hurts with us though life.  Why? They are all unresolved issues.

If you fight and then make up, or discuss things and decide to part ways, that’s a resolution. When we have resolution and closure – even if it’s painful – something inside us lets go and we find ourselves able to eventually move on.

An unresolved issue is any situation where we didn’t feel heard or loved or supported or understood. Where we never got to a conclusion or a resolution.

Sometimes we are fortunate enough to be able to find resolution years after a situation has occurred. A friend’s father had a difficult upbringing.  His own father had been extremely hard on his children, and in some cases that hardness had actually been cruel. My friend’s dad had been dogged by this his whole adult life. As his father became ill and required care, my friend’s Dad, by now a man in his fifties, finally decided to speak to his father.  The older man had no idea that his actions had so hurt his son and other children. He thought he’d been being a good father by ‘toughening up his children’ so that they wouldn’t suffer in life the way that he had. The old man apologised unreservedly.  It led to a great healing and a new closeness in the relationship between father and son, and my friend’s dad felt as if a weight had finally been lifted from his shoulders.

Occasionally, after time has passed, we are lucky enough to be able to have that conversation, and finally feel heard and acknowledged.

Another friend found the courage to speak to an older sibling about something that had divided their relationship as teenagers and stopped them speaking with one another.  They are now in their sixties.  It didn’t go as my friend had hoped.  They talked, but there was no apology, no new closeness, no opportunity for a mended relationship.  Still, it gave my friend closure. She has stopped wondering if the relationship can be salvaged.  She has mourned it and let it go.

It is worth attempting resolution, or seeking closure. Even when the outcome is not what you may have hoped, it can allow you to let go of the thing you have carried around inside you for so long.

Sometimes we’re able to have that conversation.

But when we can’t, there are still options.

If the person is alive but unwilling, if they are no longer able to be found, or if they have passed over, we can hold the conversation in our head instead.  We can write them a letter we never send.  We can still get it all off our chest.

Sometimes WE are the person we have the issue with. Well, we’ll still need to have that dialogue, even if it’s with ourselves.

Good therapists can help here. Hanging onto this painful stuff buried deep within is never good for us, and can lead to anxiety issues, depression and even post-traumatic stress.

Sometimes what is most needed is simply to accept the other person and their behaviour; to understand that they are who they are, that they won’t change, and that expecting them to be different will always cause disappointment and hurt for you.

Finding resolution and letting go of old hurts is about energetically releasing ourselves from the past. Sure, we may end up with a scar, but a scar can’t be reopened like a wound can. We may have a reminder, but we can find ways to accept, to forgive, to put it behind us, to move on.

Most importantly, when we heal old hurts, we gather all of the emotion and energy that we were placing on that person or situation and it becomes available for us to use in new ways.  We can put it towards creative projects, new love, business, health and well-being. Tremendous energy can be wasted by being caught up in the past. So much so that it prevents us from living in the present or moving into the future in any satisfying way.

Healing old hurts is possible, and is one of the most worthwhile things you’ll ever do. 

* Other posts you may find helpful around this topic are:

Emotions and their impact on your health

Knowing when to let go

Parents are also people

Closing the door on abusive relationships

Working with the energy of forgiveness (this one also has a guided meditation)

 

Thoughts on Mother’s Day

“There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.”~ Albert Ellis

 

It’s Mother’s Day in Australia today. It’s a day when so many families will get together with their Mothers, give heartfelt gifts of appreciation, share meals and practice love and gratitude. Love and gratitude is a beautiful thing. Togetherness and belonging is the foundation of so much that is good in our society.

No doubt there will be a flood of feel-good sentiment in our media, and on facebook and twitter. But this Mother’s Day I want to acknowledge a different reality.

Today’s also a hard day for many people. I want my post to stand for you.  I want you to have a space to put your feelings. I want you to know that you are heard.

This is a post for all of the children, some long grown, whose Mothers failed to love them, protect them and nurture them.  Not everyone had a happy shiny family.  Not everyone has the love and support of a wise and kind Mother, as a child or as an adult.

This is a post for all of the women who gave up their children, who lost them to accident or illness, who had them torn away by war or foul play or relationship breakdown. Today, some Mothers will know great pain, as their mothering goes wasted, as their arms stay empty of a child to hug.

This is a post for the women whose wombs could never bear fruit. The women who know the pain of infertility, of miscarriage and of stillbirth. The women, whom through circumstance, have not become Mothers. Or who are unacknowledged in their identify as a Mother because there is no surviving child for others to see.  The women who wonder, each Mother’s Day, how their life might have been different…

This is a post for the children who have lost their Mothers early, or who have never known them, and for those abandoned or deserted by their Mothers.

This image from www.favim.com

This image from www.favim.com

This is a post for all of you who loved your Mothers and Grandmothers, and who won’t have them at your table this year. Perhaps they are ill, or passed on. Perhaps distance separates you, or misunderstanding. Perhaps they are living in the shady halls of memory where they no longer recognise you, or the love you have for them, or they for you.

This is a post for the blended families, for the difficulties of mothering children who are not your own, and who may not accept you.  This is for those of you whose Father chose someone other than your Mother, and where you still feel the pain of the loss of that sense of family and of all you had held dear. This is a post for the children who became second best or didn’t rate at all, once the family structure shifted.

This is for the Mothers whose children will be in your ex-partner’s home, and with that side of the family today, while you sit at home alone. Perhaps for you a phone call.  But no hugs. No day of sharing. Not this year.

This is for the Mothers who are not accepted, loved or acknowledged by their Mother-In-Laws. For the families who know friction and tension, but who still make an effort to keep up relationships and appearances.

This is for all of the Grandmothers who don’t see their grandchildren because of relationship breakdowns or sheer distance and the life choices of their own children.

This post acknowledges all of the women so busy working, or looking after the children of other people, that they never had the time or the privilege to be the Mother they would have liked to have been for their own children.

This is for all the Mothers who made mistakes that they regret, who made bad choices, or who wish now that they had done things differently.

This is for the single Mothers, who long for support and company and someone to share the load, but who are doing the best they can.

This is for the Mothers who do not like their children, and the children who do not like their Mothers.

Life can be a strange, hard and sometimes cruel journey. Mothering and the love of a Mother is not a given and it is certainly not a right.

But we all need love, and at times we all need to be Mothered. This Mother’s Day, you can start by being kind to yourself. By recognising that we receive Mothering energy from many, and give it ourselves, although it may not be to our own children. By letting it be okay that today might be bittersweet, or downright difficult. Life is not a Disney Movie.

This Mother’s Day it’s okay to feel pain, to cry and to wish things could be different.

This Mother’s Day, above all else, I want you to know that I see you, I honour you, and I am sending you love. I’m thinking of you today.  Bless ♥ xoxo

On illness and being unreliable…


“I’m a very loyal and unreliable friend.” ~ Bono

One of the issues you need to deal with when you or a family member lives with chronic illness is your unreliability factor.

When I speak of chronic illness, I am talking about any condition that lasts for more than a few weeks, that doesn’t conform to a normal healing arc, or a condition that cycles into more active or less active phases.  The condition could be a physical affliction, a mental illness or a combination of these.  For whatever reason the presence of this thing in your life means that there is always a possibility that your plans, no matter what your intentions, may go awry.

Depression makes it impossible for you to get out the front door, irritable bowel means you don’t dare go to that intimate dinner party with the people you don’t know very well, a sudden infection or a flare up for you, your partner or your child and you’re back at the doctors, back on medication, back in bed…

Sick child - image from www.bloggingdad.com

Sick child – image from www.bloggingdad.com

Too often over the years, mine has been the empty chair at the dining table, the empty bed at the retreat, the face missing from the ‘family event’ photograph.

I don’t enjoy letting people down, or being unreliable, so over time I have accepted fewer invitations and my world has shrunk small.  Talk to anyone with a long term health issue and as much as they may seize the day, they often don’t know until they wake up whether the day will be a good one or not – so they become champions of winging it and making the best of those times when they feel strong, positive and with some charge in their battery.

One thing I have come to understand is that you need to have a few friends or family who know what’s going on, who are on your side, and who can cope with last minute invitations or cancellations.

Yesterday I was running on not much sleep, and it was in fact not the greatest of days.  But I had promised to meet a friend for breakfast. She has her health issues too. She understands.  We often text each other at the very last minute to cancel a meet-up, but we do everything we can to get there. We’ve also connected at very short notice, because both of us feel up to it, and why waste a moment?

I’ve caught up with Carly when she’s had an IV line hanging out of her neck, when I’ve been on my way to or home from hospital, and when both of us have felt very much less than glamorous.

Illness has taught me something important.  Friendship is more important that looking fantastic as you head out the front door. Connection is worth more than self doubt. And laughing and being with people you care about, and who care about you, is the very best of medicine.

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Today, both of us are heading back to doctors to have scans and more medical appointments.  Both of us have heads full of wondering what’s going on ‘inside’.

And both of us are unreliable. Not because we want to be.  Not because we are casual about commitment, or how much we care about you.

We are unreliable because our bodies run their own agendas, and we really have no idea how things might look from day to day.

We’ve learned that the cost of ‘making the effort’ to engage can sometimes be too high, and we’ll keep paying for days…

If you’re in the Unreliable Club, I’m sending you lots of love, and I want to remind you that it’s worth trying to make that connection, but that the bottom line is you ALWAYS need to honour your body, and your intuition around situations and relationships.

If you are friends or family of someone with a chronic health issue, I ask that you keep loving them, keep reaching out, and do your best to make sure they don’t end up alone and socially isolated.

One of the greatest tragedies of chronic illness is that so many people end up alone, with no support network. And when we have no one to care about us, and life is so hard, some people give up altogether.

Life is fragile, and we are all vulnerable. Let’s do our best to look after each other, to stay connected, and to live life the best we can with every breath.

friendship-quotes-The-sincere-friends-quotes

Midnight Visits

Image from www.mota.ru

Image from www.mota.ru

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
~ Lao Tzu

 

I’ve been herxing badly the past few days. Herxing is a strong physical reaction to the die-off of pathogens, which release toxins into the body. It’s a good thing – or so I tell myself.  It proves to me that the antibiotics and herbs I am taking for my Lyme disease are working…

But it also means I wake up after a few hours of sleep, bathed in sweat and wracked with pain. I haunt the house at midnight, trying not to wake anyone as I roam around looking for relief from my discomfort. If I am lucky, I find sleep again as the sun is rising.

Last night I found myself crying downstairs in the darkened lounge room. My skin was on fire, the pressure behind my right ear made me believe my head might actually explode, my troublesome left eye felt once again as if someone was stabbing it with a fork and roasting it over hot coals.

My legs ached with a pain deep in the bones. I spasmed and twitched. I ran hot and cold by turn. I was not having fun.

I tried to meditate. I tried prayer.  Nothing much was working. It was hard to keep a lid on my distress. In my exhaustion and discomfort I felt quite alone.

I lay down on the lounge and focused on my breath. As I consciously drew each breath in and then slowly exhaled I began, finally, to relax. The pain was still there, the skin on fire, the eye, the ear – but the tight sense of panic let go.

After an hour or so the deep perfume of flowers filled the room; roses, gardenias, jasmine, lavender and soft floral notes. A sense of presence and love seeped into my soul. I was no longer alone.  I felt a tangible connection to my grandmothers, my great aunts, and women from my family lines I’ve never known. I felt the divine energy supporting and underpinning this experience. I understood how much I am loved, and how that love reaches its hands across time and space to bring comfort.

This morning I am still wretched; fatigued, nauseous and herxing badly. But oh how my soul sings.  How uplifted I feel. If this is the gift of my disease – to realise the foreverness of family and that enduring heart connection – well I can honestly say that this suffering is worth it.

No matter what happens in this lifetime, I know with every cell of my body that I am okay, that you are okay, that love surrounds us and holds us, and that we too will one day stand on the other side and send that same love and comfort to others.