What to do when you’re forced to let go…

When you decide to let go, it empowers YOU. When we make the choice to let go, we change the dynamics of our lives, and by default, the lives of those around us.

So what happens if you are at the receiving end of letting go? We’ve all been there. Someone dies. We’re fired from our job. Our lover, partner, spouse ends our relationship.  A friend closes the door and says they don’t want us in their lives any more.  A family member stops speaking to us.

Our ability to respond, to change, to control, to continue, to hope…   it’s all taken away from us. We end up, we are sure, on the wrong side of the door. There’s no key. No one answers our knocks. Or worse, they shout for us to go away.

Whenever that happens we experience a kind of death. Whether it is a person who has passed over, or the end of something in our lives, there are phases we will go through.  Knowing that there are phases helps.  Then we can understand our emotions as a process.

The grief cycle looks like this:

In the aftermath of loss

Let yourself feel and honour what comes up for you. Be kind to yourself, and tolerant of your emotions.  Give yourself space to grieve and to heal.  Find support. Do what you can to nurture and uplift yourself. (abundant suggestions for self-nurture here) There is no denying that there will be pain. Loss is never fun. It’s not the season for that.

This sort of letting go, after the abrupt severance from the other end of the connection, is often harder at first than being the one who let go. At the point of consciously letting go, the other person has pulled back from you already.They knew what was coming.  It was their choice, and theirs alone, no matter how painful. You, at the receiving end, are gifted with  the frayed remains of something, the shock of the disconnect, the awful feeling of being DISEMPOWERED.

But wait.

We could get caught up in this sorry business here, but the longer we hold to it, the more we stay stuck in it.

Life changes.  Seasons come and go. Friendships, relationships, times in our lives – they all come to an end.  No one ever knows when a loved one will pass from our lives. The only thing we can know for certain is that change is inevitable, and that at some stage we will all die.

Allow yourself to grieve, and as you begin to emerge from grief, look for ways to continue living, ways to reconnect with family or community, ways to rediscover hope and gratitude. Know that when a loved one dies they are not lost to us, and that their love is enduring. I have seen so much of this in my work as a psychic, and it gives me incredible comfort.

And if your relationship has come to an end? If the job no longer wants you?

No matter how committed you were, no matter how much you gave, or loved, or tried…  it was no longer a good energetic fit.

Something had changed for the other person or party.  Maybe slowly, over a long time.  Maybe suddenly.  But with that knowledge, and that recognition of the lack of energetic fit, they drew back. One day they just woke up in bed with the wrong person and knew they couldn’t keep doing it  – and that person was you!

That’s so much of what the energies of 2012 are all about.  Change, dealing with change, creating change, growth. This year, especially, we will be compelled to change. The things that have no value, no integrity, no further use for us will be broken down.  Things that are unbalanced will need to come back into flow.

So if someone has closed the door on you? It means you are no longer an energetic match. One of you has changed enough that you no longer fit together. It leaves the ‘door-closer’ free to find a better match, or to stay unchanged if you are the one who is growing and evolving. Not everyone will embrace change and that’s okay.

More importantly, when a relationship ends, it leaves YOU free to connect to something that better honours you. Sometimes what feels terrible at the time turns out to be a Blessing in your life. The Universe has wisdom beyond anything we can ever understand.

So many times I have heard the story of a marriage ending, and then the person meets their life partner and soul mate. They continue to grow and evolve in ways that are healthy and positive.  They finally know contentment.

Publisher after publisher reject a novel.  Suddenly someone takes it up and it becomes a best seller. (This is reassuringly common!)

The job ends and the person takes a career change. Unexpected doors open, new directions unfold. Life opens out again. Life becomes more authentically matched to the talents and gifts of that person.

You get rejected from the University course you had your heart set on, go travelling and find a new love, a new direction, a new passion you didn’t know was in you.  You go from the misery of not ever being a Lawyer to the joy of being a Horticulturalist or a Pediatric Nurse where you KNOW it’s where you’re meant to be.

Life’s road has twists and turns.  Sometimes your companion on the road of life leaves. For a time you may need to walk solo.  But it’s a busy road.  Other walkers will be along.  Sometimes you will meet back up with the person you walked with before, and find your have both changed, both grown, and are able to come back together. Sometimes you’ll meet that person and they will be happily walking with a new companion, you’ll be walking with a new companion and you’ll breathe a sigh of relief that they are no longer in your lives. Often you’ll only discover and connect with your authentic self, and find your true direction, when you’ve walked a mile or two on your own.

We act as unknowing Angels in each other’s lives, helping each other find a path more suited to us. Sometimes we close the door.  Sometimes it is closed on us.  Life forks out in new directions.

The only thing you need to do is keep moving.  At some stage you need to pick yourself up from the floor, dust yourself off, and continue on the journey.  Who knows what adventure is around the corner?  Who knows what qualities you will find within yourself, what values you will come to hold dear? Who knows what companion might join you next?

There is a wisdom and a synchronicity within the Universe. We are loved and supported and guided at every turn. There is a season and a reason for everything, although this can be hard to see until we have walked further along the path and get to a place where we look back over our shoulder and finally understand.

Wishing you strength, courage and good cheer for the journey. Bless ♥ xx

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
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30 thoughts on “What to do when you’re forced to let go…

  1. I just found your website today, I truly believe I had spirit as my navigational guide. ( ya gotta love it when they kick in eh?) I would like to say,”What a beautiful soul you are!” I want to thank you with all my heart and send love and hugs your way! Your posts are inspiring and comforting. I would also like to share with you, if I may, a quote that I came across ( not sure where or who said it) I refer to it quite often as it helps me to cope with difficult times….. ” The most difficult journeys often take us where we were meant to go” ….. , Thank you again for all that you do for your fellow human “beans” ! And I love the idea of ” dancing in your gumboots” ….especially to entertain yours cows!!!!!! I absolutely LOVE it !!!! CHEERS, in peace and love, Paula.

  2. I really feel you are talking to me, about me. I have experienced the end of a supposed very strong friendship, and it seemed to me like the end of the world. For weeks, all i wanted and tried was to die and end the suffering, but the truth is that once i accepted what happened, i found out that there are so many others around the world, who might need me more and help me more. I will save and bookmark this post too as it will be a great help to me. Thank you so much.<3 <3

  3. I love your blogs,they seem to come at the relevant times in my life.Only just the other day did i sit and ponder all the rubbish that went on in my life over the past few years when both parents died and i had my siblings to deal with not only the grief but all of their insecurities of the past!Greed,jealousy etc,But i decided to forgive and move on it’s the only way at present as all doors are closed.So thank you,Nicole i know i’m doing the right thing.Many blessings.xxxxxx.P.S.my health will be a lot better for it!

  4. Nicole, you blogs are always a delight but this is like you reached right inside my secret places and put a band aid on a sore. Thank you xx Teresa

  5. what can i say nicole, i know how you understand, and i know that i know this too, but to hear it, and be reminded is just so enormously comforting. We go through so many losses in our life, and it usually only in hindsight we see the gifts. thanks for reminding me there are gifts coming. It gives me something to be grateful for, and look forward to, in the most uncomfortable of growth cycles, oh 2012.

  6. Very positive and uplifting words in the face of difficulties. I loved your line “There is no denying that there will be pain. Loss is never fun. It’s not the season for that.” I’ve found this idea of stages very helpful to remember. When you’re in the initial stages of shock, pain or disbelief it can be hard to believe that the way you feel will eventually change into something else, but through experience we know that this is exactly what happens. Something good can always come out of whatever happens to you, and the trick is to allow yourself to see and enjoy those good things rather than staying blinkered and dwelling on the misery in the past. Thank you Nicole, for yet another wonderful piece of writing.

    1. It’s a big thing to let yourself see past the pain to the Blessing, but for me that’s what has enabled life to move on from suffering, or to endure intolerable things. Thanks for your lovely words, Lorna. I feel so cheered every time I see your beautiful tea cup icon. xxx

  7. Wonderful, wise and uplifting post, Nicole, and beautifully written. Many times I have had doors close to me – and each time it was a growing step in my life journey. We may not always understand the why or the how of the closings; we may even rebel against it for a time because we are humans with egos – but if we continue to have faith in our own ability to grow, and open our eyes to the new growth opportunities that are waiting for us … then we understand. Thank you for such a wonderful message. ~ Julie

  8. Gorgeous post, Nicole – such wonderful insight ♥ And because I’m a visual person, your map of the stages of the grief cycle has helped me tremendously and makes me feel a little less hard on my self.

    Love, love and blessings ♥

  9. Your blog(?) has come to me at a time of immense need in my life – my partner and I have spent 6 intense years trying to find any meaning or reason in our life of 45 years together. In the process I have found out that he has had many other partners, male and female and including a longterm relationship with a young girl I thought as my adopted daughter. My husband constantly says I am only one he has cared for and he will not let go. I thought I loved him, but now I feel I can’t trust him – not in the sexual sense but in the profound primary connection sense. I am deeply depressed and feel sometimes I may become violent. How do I make the break – he will not leave, I have asked even begged a number of times, for him to go. I no longer feel physically and emitionally strong enough to leave and I also have a 44 year old dependent son. Everyday I wake up hopeful that he will tell me a different story and I can start to build a new, positive and supportive relationship with him. Is there anything, realistically I can do?

    1. Oh Donella, there is so much that you can do. It must start with looking after yourself. Build and maintain your own friendships, eat well, rest, and find someone trusted you can talk to. If possible a counsellor with skill regarding relationships.
      I sometimes think the cruellest thing we can do to ourselves is to stay unhappy in a relationship, desperately hoping for change, when all the evidence points otherwise.
      Can you find a way to live together, sharing the parenting of your son, living as friends rather than lovers? Can you or he move out but stay close by? Or can you learn to live with him needing to find sexual expression with others as well as yourself? There is no right answer. There is only what works for you.
      I have a belief that the heart always knows what it wants. Our job is to learn to listen to our heart wisdom.

      Working with the energy of forgiveness can also help. There are some ideas for how to do that here: http://cauldronsandcupcakes.com/2012/01/30/working-with-the-energy-of-forgiveness/

      I’ll also include you in my daily prayers and meditations. Take care of yourself. Much love to you xx

  10. Beautifully eloquent and delightfully wise, thank you Nicole! Such comforting words during a time of turbulence… Thank you for sharing with us a roadmap to find our way through those times when we encounter loss or become lost. What an amazing gift you are to the lives of so many! 🙂

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