“You show others how to treat you.” ~ Dr Phil
This week I have seen two of the people I love most in the world finally end abusive relationships. One walked away from a long-term love relationship. One walked away from their ‘dream job’.
The woman who closed the door on an abusive relationship had been in that space for decades. For many of those years she was blinded to just how abusive the relationship was. There was never any physical abuse – it was all the sort of emotional and verbal behaviour that isolates, dis-empowers, controls and terrorises, mixed in with a few dashes of charming, and a few sincere-sounding apologies and cries for help.
Finally, with some help from good professionals, and by listening to the strong and determined voice inside her that had been pushed down for so long, she bravely ended things.
I hope that she doesn’t spend her time grieving over what could have been. I hope that she now grabs life with both hands and honours the beauty and vibrancy within her that was stifled by that man. There is still time to be all that she might have been. There is still time for love and laughter and soul freedom.
My other dear friend is a man, who has suffered seven years of physical, emotional and verbal abuse as a regular part of his work day. He was employed in his dream job, as an advisor to a woman in a powerful position. He’d believed in her and helped grow her career. She’s a woman who is adored by many. It was strictly a work relationship. My friend has had a few romances during this time, but life on the road with his work has usually ended them prematurely. He’s given everything to his job.
The woman he advises and assists has ‘issues’. But most people don’t know that, and the entourage around her work tirelessly and often thanklessly to make sure that the world doesn’t see that side of her. In that time my friend has known bruises, cuts, scratches and broken bones. When finally ended it was a large crystal ashtray to the mouth, which knocked out four of his front teeth. It took a doctor in an overseas ER to make my friend see that this level of abuse was unacceptable. The doctor, also a man, arranged for a police escort to go back to the hotel where the group had been staying so my friend could collect his things.
Despite the woman’s emotional pleading, apologies and offers of more money, he packed up his things, restored his dignity and closed the door on her.
2012 is really shaking relationships of all kinds up right now. So take a moment and check in. At home, at work, in love and friendships:
- are you valued?
- are you respected?
- is there part of you that worries, modifies your behaviour, or spends time avoiding potential triggers?
- does the relationship help you feel good about yourself?
- do you question your worth and who you are, because of this relationship?
Life is precious. Life is short. You cannot be happy in an unhappy relationship. You cannot know love when your lover gives theirs conditionally, or perhaps doesn’t even know how to love at all.
Take a moment and check in on the relationships in your life. If they’re not what you need them to be, take action. Happiness might be just around the next corner.
You might also find these posts helpful:
What to Do When You’re Forced to Let Go
Oh, and my friend with the minced-up mouth? He was offered a terrific job two days later, by someone who had admired his work for years and always wondered how long it would take before my friend left the position he’d been in. As soon as he’s had a decent holiday, my friend is stepping up into a whole new life. And I just know it’s going to work out well…
Reblogged this on Kindfofo's thought and commented:
I love this post , it inspired me alot .
Nicole, you among few other bloggers helped me end my life as a victim of domestic abuse and violence. Some have done through direct contact, others just through their writings, but i am grateful for all of you. Thank you
To stop “apologizing when I didn’t do anything wrong”…..
that’s the trap …
Thanks for the reminder
This is what i needed to hear today, i have just relised that i hav been in an abusive businness partnership that have drained my savings and my health and almost cost me my family, as i write this tears are runing down my face, i dont know who i am anymore. but this post has helped close that door. Thank you
Oh Patricia! I just want to wrap you in a hug and make you a nice cup of tea. Be kind with yourself, and gentle. Sending much love to you xx
Very happy for those friends of yours!
I think the part of this that had me cheering the loudest was when you told us that your friend was taking a holiday and then accepting the new job. Self care is so crucial and it’s not a one shot deal. My heart aches for each and any of us who are living with or dealing with toxic, abusive relationships. it takes courage to walk away and there are even times when we need to say “I love you…………..over there……..not here, in my life”.
Yay for your friends Nicole!! How great for you to see their transition into a more peaceful life. I am so happy for you all what an awesome story to start my day.. <3
Happy news is good news for everyone! Much love to you, Kellie and the brightest of sunshiny days xx
Thanks i’ve been struggling with toxic relationship between two siblings for a few years now.You have thrown me a lifeline of what i should do now.I will always have love and respect for them held in my heart,but i need to put me first.Thank you !xx
Always. We get so dumb about the self-love thing… Something I need to be reminded about too on a semi-regular basis! Bless xx
Thankfully I made this decision 5 years ago and I have never regretted it for a second. My life is now richer and more magical than I ever could have dreamed. To those of you who find themselves in this situation, great love to you as you find the courage to step into your own power. Making the decision may be difficult… after that it gets easy xx
What wise words, Rhonda. Thank you for sharing your journey. I hope it inspires others to do the same! xx
Perfect, Nic. This morning I thought of you while I caught myself dwelling on my own decision to be honest and to let go. I wondered to myself what Nic would suggest as a ritual to seal the deal, that might help bring the phase of processing/ruminating more quickly or thoroughly to completion. Because while there was a definite sense of rightness and relief and freedom to my decision, there remains a residue that is washing around and around in my brainpan. I’d like to wash it on out. 🙂
I love to burn stuff! Ritual burning feels so good. Clean and decisive and ended. And just a little bit witchy…
Love you precious Sistah xoxo
I want to reply to this but I can’t find the right words to fit my situation without sounding like I’m crying out for sympathy. I understand the situation your female friend has lived, I’m living in a similar world and time is what I’m counting on to get me through….. maybe the situation will change. It’s awesome to read of people who have made a decision that enough is enough and have walked away…… and succeeded! arohanui xx
{{{HUGS}}} Maybe it’s time to put some boundaries up and set a time-frame for seeing evidence of that change. Good therapists are worth their weight in gold for this stuff. Thinking of you and sending you much love xoxo
I love happy endings! So glad your two friends left the abuse behind for greener pastures. 🙂
Me too. They deserve happiness by the bucketful! 😀 xx
How poignant this post is…from the moment I saw “Joan” I had goosies…and before long tears.
Funny as just earlier I was thinking how happy I am alone right now…I have never felt like this before…complete and whole…and from this place I know I will eventually meet a loving man who honours and lovingly respects me….life is definitely short and is to be lived…thank you & big hugs…Happy Sunday Sweetheart..XXXX
I have always maintained that we are better off alone and whole than with someone and broken into pieces or only half- ourselves. Have a wonderful celebration day today, Sweet Satisha xoxo