Those are the same stars, and that is the same moon, that look down upon your brothers and sisters, and which they see as they look up to them, though they are ever so far away from us, and each other.~ Sojourner Truth
It’s 2 o’clock in the morning and I’m wide awake; fretful and fitful and just a bit teary.
Maybe it’s the Full Moon…
Or maybe it’s the fact that I’ve had three days of doctors, more tests and been given my new expanded treatment regime for Chronic Lyme.
I’m introducing three new drugs to the existing two.
That’s a lot of drugs…
And there’s a super-duper new restricted diet to go with that.
I don’t know why that should bother me. I’ve spent thirty years following various diet plans, supplement and medicine plans and assorted other ‘get-me-well’ protocols. It’s not like I’ve gone from a normal life to this strangeness. This ‘strangeness’ is my normal!
I even have a helpful letter from one of my doctors, that I must use to release myself from a program I am now unable to complete. I had to open the letter so I could fax it off to the recipient. My doctor’s final words caught me by surprise, “her prognosis is guarded: I do not anticipate any form of recovery in the next twelve months. This is a most regrettable situation.”
Regrettable? Yes, I guess it is. And he makes me sound so sick.
Oh wait. That’s right. I am.
I’ve been mostly coping okay, and I’m sure that after a bit more sleep I’ll be fine. But tonight, as my skin itches as if I’m being bitten by a thousand angry ants, as my left eye throbs and pulses from the bacteria inflaming my optic nerve, as my joins swell and pain, my head pounding, my ears burning, my gut a tortured length of misery, I am sitting in overwhelm.
I just want to howl.
I can imagine the wild dogs tonight, back at my farm, full voiced as they scream their collective angst and passion and solidarity to the sky.
I wish that I could join them. The howl’s just there. A primal thing pressuring the back of my throat.
But the neighbours in this respectable Brisbane suburb might think it strange to see a pyjama clad, tear-streaked woman howling her pain and frustration to the heavens. They’d probably call the police.
If I feel into this unvoiced howl though, if I lose myself to the pain, something comforting happens. Beyond the suffering and the infinite sadness at the loss of so much of my life to this damned thing, I find a strength. If I keep feeling into the howl I find a kinship.
I belong to a kind of fellowship, its members bound through the most primal and visceral of suffering. And I know something powerful about this membership – it transforms you.
Through this journey of chronic illness and pain I have found beauty, wisdom, courage and kindness. It has opened me up to a depth in myself I would never have otherwise explored.
I lay down on the couch, looking out the leaf-framed window to the silver moon above me. I feel the voices of the wild dogs. I feel the kinship of the suffering on whom this same moon shines.
I am comforted. I am connected. And I know it’s already okay. I am okay. I will be okay.
So I’ll keep gazing at the moon, bathe in her light, and wait for sleep to claim me.
Namaste ♥ xx
I am sending you big hugs, Nicole. And all my love and support!
Loooooooove you nic. You may not realise it but you helped me come home to who I really am. I am eternally, sincerely thankful. I send you all my love xo
Bugger the neighbors I say! Howl away. I can assure you the police will only come if it is music related anything else has to be lodged to council in writing. Not holding any resentment at all 😉 I think it an excellent pay back to all those neighbors with yapping little dogs that send me nuts. So if just for me please please howl! I’m sending you healing, love, light and as always big big hugs Julia xo
From the depth of my heart I send to you these words of affirmation: Everyday in every way you feel better and better.
When I had a stroke at 45, with my left-side frozen, I told the Universe, ok, do what you want with my body, but please leave me my mind. Nicole, if you can transit to the place where you know You are so much more than your body, the pain will lessen. You are a great Teacher. Your words are not only said; they are felt. Your words are gifts from your Mind to us and we are able to grow and respond to what you write and to learn from your experience. Thank you again for writing through your pain. Your wisdom is Heard. From California, I send you bright, bold Orange healing energies to Zap them buggers and the doctors who should know better —
“…do not anticipate any form of recovery in the next twelve months… regrettable…”
Bullshit. They don’t know you.
Words have depth. Words have power. Listen to YOUR own words, not theirs. Bring your brand of magic, sweet Nicole.
xxx
Singing the Gaytri for you dear Nicole. Lyme has made me a better person. Or battling Lyme has made me a better person. Same/same. And by better, I mean more loving towards myself and others, more tolerant of my body and her struggle, more open to the mystery of this Life, more aware of others’ suffering, more willing to surrender to the Divine. This past eight years of living with Lyme has taught me to howl and run with the wolves. Thanks to Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes and all my teachers, I am embracing my wild women and walking the path of the wounded healer. Without these spirochetes, I might have walked this Life asleep. Now, I dance with awakening through the realms of the unknown and all she holds. May the pain of shedding spirochetes bring you sweet release and surrender.
Sending light, love and healing to you Nicole. And hugs – lots of hugs! xxxx
You are doing it very tough indeed dear Nicole. The primal scream of sorrow and pain, even put exquisitely through your poetry, calls out and touches all. Use that letter as a call to action. Call in determination to say yes, you can go through that pain and suffering (and also gain the insights or learnings from that), but that you will do it in a way that no-one else has done it before. And that you will take absolute delight in clearing all that has been there, even within that 12 month time-frame. What a delight that will be to see that doctor again, several (or perhaps a few) months from now, with that old incorrect letter in hand. Show them a new way. Show them that miracles do happen……….. because they do. Love, light and strength to you xo
P.S. We rest when we need to rest, cry when we need to cry, and deep-down within us remember that the impossible merely masks the possible….
Huge hug!
Howl away I say. Your poor little body is fighting so hard to rid the nasty LL (lyme lurgee) from your body it needs to release such pent up feelings. Pj’s or not. You may be suprised by your neighbours reactions – they may not be shocked at all. They may just come and join you!
I’d be howling too – this just stinks.
P.S.: it breaks my heart that you suffer so much…
Nicole… I’m howling silently along with you. Believing in miracles. Sending you strength and LOVE. And cracking a HUGE SMILE because you are so beautiful… so wonderful… so very dear to me xoxo
Nicole it gets better. It really does. Thinking about you with much love. Natalie.
You are a light to all of us, as bright as the fullest full moon on the clearest of clear skies as you shine your wisdom and example to all of us through your incredibly suffering journey. If all the collective love that is sent to you could heal you, you would be restored to wellness immediately. with a gentle warm hug filled with love, Jenny
Huge love to you darling Nicole. So terribly sorry you are suffering like this.xxxxxxx
Awe Sweetie. Huge, huge hugs and love. <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
My heart just opened with love and compassion when I read this. I saw that there was a blog post from you at 2 am or so when i woke up today and thought that was strange. The little voice inside of me says is there another way- then I suppose you have asked yourself that many times. The insensitivity of the medical profession never ceases to astound me. Why couldn’t they send the fax so you and your body did not have to read those words. Still you are showing such courage and compassion I am in awe.
I will put you in my meditation and prayers each day. Have you thought about painting out the ants and itches- just came to me. Maybe writing is your release?
sending you love, light and healing energy
namaste
all my love, wish i was there to hug you xxoo
Dear Nicole,
Your blog moved me to tears of sympathy for you. Just howl anyway. Go outside and scream into a soft pillow or cushion. It is such a release as you know. The primal scream stirs our limbic system which, in turn stimulates our endocrine system (our hormones come into play here) as well as other functions
Always, a Doctor’s diagnosis like that leaves you feeling shattered and worse about yourself than you already are. He said improvement in the next 12 months, What about after that? you have suffered through much and gained so much more insight into yourself, and coping mechanisms. You know yourself and that all you are going through now, WILL help. Little baby steps all the way. You now have a diagnosis. Your enemy has a name.
I really wish I could hug you as the hugs I have received recently have helped me so you can have all my virtual ones.
Scream! Laugh! Love!
Mary.xxx
And Mary totally agree, the howl that primal howl from the belly moves stuff…..in a most practical cellular way and shifts karmic resonances and effects a circuit breaker to fractal patterns leads the system allowing blocked work to move to its resoloutiin…but on a practical level where does one go to get out that primal scream jammie clad and harassed in huge pain in an area with neighbours without being grabbed and gently but forcefully removed to the nearest secure mental health facility…….much much love xxx and of course am only thinking out lot here and may well read the answer further down replies on this post….respecfully and wisefully but innocently and only learingly (but soul knowingly) human with love and best kindest wishes to you Nicole as this question is pondered….xxx
Namaste Nicole, and I will smile more today and dance as I do on the way to work with the sounds of Hot Chocolate – ‘you sexy thing’ and it will be a dance for you. Namaste Nicole xxx
It is hard to write anything after reading your post. As with everyone, I wish I could help or take the pain away. However, I send you healing thoughts and love in a big pink bubble. Remember you have come this far. You have the strength and tenacity to keep going. xxxx
Howl away, my love. I’m with you all the way xoxo
Take the sage advice from one who knows.
Wish there was something that could be done (in a practical sense). Howl and let the pain travel away with it. xoxox
Aloha Nicole I feel for you. My husband has been very sick and recently started an alternative energy healing called CCMBA complete cellular mind-body alignment. It has done wonders for him Its truly amazing. Dr Sharon Forest is the person who developed this please google her and check it out. I had to see it to believe and boy I do believe now maybe this can be of some help to you also. Feel Better
Sending you big hug and lots of love. Know that you are loved <3 xoxo
Dear dear Nicole, know that you are loved and cared for. Blessings and prayers for good health.
Healing thoughts are with you.
Sending you a giant bubble full of LoVe.
I send you love and forgiveness, sister. You are the light. Thank you, dear Nicole xoxox 🙂
Dearest Nicole(Shaman) ……each lovely comment reads almost like a prayer for you and I agree with Leisa the moon (that same moon we all see) must be a big one clearing much stuff. Im sorry to hear you are in such pain and I add my own special blessing and send support and pink stuff and cooling blue green energy for your scratchy. And run with those wolves…..howl with them the come back to your body and begin again. Much love….xxx
sending much love and healing to you nc. keep a copy of that letter and come back to it in 12 months, you’ll be suprised! if it’s any comfort, this one has been a feral full moon, really full on! hugs to you ms nc, i say go for it, pjs howling and everything… your neighbours might even join you in solidarity! hugs sx
that was a powerful old moon last night….. i felt for myself, lots of energy being shifted last night. nicole cody I believe in you. I send you my blessings, love, all the healing energy and strength i have. thank you for sharing your life with us. kia kaha xx
You write so beautifully Nicole …… your words are a joy to read … thank you for the peace you bring to others. May you have a more peaceful and restive Easter surrounded by much love.
Oh Nicole. It breaks my heart when I read you are suffering, I only wish there was a cure so you can fully enjoy your life. I too was awake at that time this morning my body tingling and wide awake knowing that it was the energies from the full moon. I haven’t felt that for months so it must be a powerful one! I’m sending you lots of love & a huge warming hug your way. I hope that today goes okay for you before your journey back to the farm. Wishing you a very Happy Easter & I hope Mr Hippity Hop finds your little farm. Leisa xx
Many blessings for healing, Nicole. Oakley and I will howl on your behalf tonight.
Dear sweet Nicole, I am so sorry you are going through this horrible time. Please know that we all love and admire you so much and wish you nothing less than the very best life can offer. Howl, dear woman. Howl and howl again! I am in awe of your strength. You are my inspiration. And, dear heart, don’t give up hope! Doctors aren’t infallible.
Wishing you peace and tranquility Nicole in body, mind and soul xo
You poor thing. I so relate to how you feel, having lost over twenty years to a half-life of fatigue and illness, and now being stuck with an extremely restrictive diet, probably pretty much forever.
But it did get better, it does get better, and you do learn and grow from these experiences, sometimes much more than those who haven’t been “lucky” enough to have them. I would have turned out quite differently without mine, and you probably would too, as unpleasant as it is.
So hang in there, howl away if you need too, and as soon as you are done with it, please promise me you’ll Burn. That. Awful. Letter. You don’t need it. <3
I don’t think I have ever read a description of pain and suffering that has moved me as much as yours just did. Whenever I think I am having a hard time of it (of some minor and trivial upset) I will think of you and your struggle for health and I will instantly know that I have nothing to complain about. Your strength and resilience truly astound and inspire. I agree with Brie, howl at the moon if it makes you feel better. You are in my thoughts and prayers for an easing of the pain and discomfort. Love to you Nicole.
Darling Girl! Words fail me too. I wish there was something real that we could do for you. I love you. Kimmie xx
I am speechless after reading this….your strength, wisdom and fortitude is beyond me…sending you blessings for a lessening of discomfort and pain…keep howling at that moon regardless of what the neighbors may think!
I second that. Nicole, you are just amazing. You have so much grace as you go through something that would tear apart many people xx