“Fate is never fair. You are caught in a current much stronger than you are; struggle against it and you’ll drown not just yourself but those who try to save you. Swim with it, and you’ll survive.”
~ Cassandra Clare, City of Ashes
This morning I have gained perspective.
It’s not much, but it’s something.
Today my head’s above water, I can breathe, and I am no longer in a state of panic.
Have you ever had a time in your life where it’s just one thing after another?
Right now, my friend, I’m there.
I’m caught up in the current and there’s no chance of getting my feet on solid ground any time soon.
It’s all due to Lyme Disease.
Sunday I herxed so badly from my treatment that I ended up having seizures. On top of all the other pain. On top of all the other agonies. My cranial nerve became inflamed and I lost the ability to think and speak clearly. My eye puffed up like a toad. I stuttered and stammered and finally ached my way into an exhausted sleep.
Yesterday it was off to the doctors for more tests, more scans, and eventually, more bad news. Some of it completely unexpected. You know how it is when you’re so busy fighting the fire in front of you that you completely miss the raging inferno just over your shoulder. Yesterday I felt like I just couldn’t take a trick. I was completely overwhelmed. I wondered how I was going to do this. I had no idea how I could cope.
The truth is, the bacteria that have been colonising my body for nearly thirty years have wreaked havoc. Today I can hold the pictures in my hands of the battlefield that is my body.
These bacteria have been waging war in me for a long time, and its shows. They’ve done damage to my endocrine system, my neurological function, my heart. They’ve damaged my kidneys, my gallbladder, my liver. They are in my bones, my cells, my organs, my fatty tissues, my brain.
As a result I need major surgery. That wasn’t on my current list of things I have to cope with.
We fled the city and came home to our little farm last night so I could get some breathing space. I sat on the veranda sipping tea in the cool night air and talking to the owls. And finally I went to bed, and had my first full night’s sleep in ages.
Now morning is here again.
I’m back to feeling like I can do this after the momentary horror of the past few days. In fact, today I’m even going to do some work – which I am very much looking forward to!
Okay, maybe I’m limping and lurching and none too graceful, but hey – I’m still in the game.
Doctors are finally taking me seriously. They have to. My body’s a mess and the evidence is right in front of them, in my bloods and my scans.
Please don’t be telling me that all I need right now is to adjust my attitude, pray, eat greens or some magical network marketing product, speak to the right Angel or clear my old emotions.
I’ve been doing that for years. And you know what – it has had a very positive affect. I’m still alive and functioning, when I should be long dead. My pain levels are tolerable when I should have jumped off a bridge by now.
People, there is a war going on inside me. And instead of peaceful resistance, or allowing this hostile occupation, I am now aggressively defending my boundaries. The drugs and herbs I’m taking are making me feel awful, at times worse than dying, but I have proof that they are working. Right now, I’m using everything at my disposal. It’s down to the wire for me, and I’m not ready to give up just yet.
I need surgery. Sooner rather than later.
Well, sometimes that’s what has to happen.
Surgeons and doctors have an important place in the world, and I’m a bit over people with their New Age fundamentalist philosophies telling me that I can’t trust the medical profession and all I need to do is work on myself or see some energy healer.
Honestly. I’ve tried all that anyway, and I think it rocks (hello, I’m a practicing psychic for goodness sakes) but… that is such a limited and medieval view of the world.
I will take each day as it comes. I will use the many conventional and alternative choices available to me.
I will accept that for now my feet won’t be touching solid ground for a while, and that I must go with the flow. (There – how much more New Age can you get? 🙂 )
If I can’t swim, I can float. I can give in to the current and see where it will take me.
If I relax, I can even muster a little optimism and a curiosity for what may come.
I’m doing my best to stay open, to live from my heart and find something beautiful in every single day. And you know what? If I don’t get caught up in my head, if I don’t lose myself to fear, it’s not so hard to do…
There are rich blessings in this journey. And so much to be grateful for. It’s all a matter of perspective.