“That is part of the beauty of all literature. You discover that your longings are universal longings, that you’re not lonely and isolated from anyone. You belong.”
~ F. Scott Fitzgerald
It’s taken me a long time to begin to share my story…
For the longest while I never even thought I would.
But then I remembered what it was like. To be a small girl whom no-one believed. To be the girl who never fitted in, although she so desperately wanted to be like everyone else.
I remember how lonely I felt at school.
I remember how it felt as I tried to deny this great big part of me that seemed to only exist in fairytales and fantasies for other people.
I mean, really, who can you tell? Who will believe you?
Who do you tell when ladies in old-fashioned dresses appear in your bedroom in the dark of night, comforting your ill baby sister and speaking with her in French?
Who do you tell, when at any minute you expect someone will come for you and you’ll return back to the house you’re supposed to be living in – a big old house made of smartly cut stone, with fireplaces and a round driveway for the carriages?
Who do you tell when you find that you know things about people, but you can’t say how you know?
Who do you tell when you feel like someone watches you as you sleep?
Who do you tell when your dreams are filled with places and people you are sure are from your ‘other life’?
What happens when these things don’t fade away as you get older, and that sense of ‘strangeness’ lingers?
Who do you tell?
Who do you tell when you ‘dream’ you see a college friend suicide, and you know the thoughts in his head before, during and after he has died? And then you get the phone call from hundreds of miles away later that week, and find your dream was real?
Who do you tell when an old Aboriginal woman you’ve never met takes you flying in your dreams and then turns up in person the next afternoon?
What does it mean when owls follow you as you go for moonlit walks?
What happens when you see one owl sitting in the tree behind the lights of the campfire on a remote Outback property?
What happens when there are five owls?
What happens when there are seven?
Who do you tell when the trees whisper to you?
Who do you tell when you see strange lights in the sky at night?
Who do you tell when your life is turning upside down, and everything you thought you understood about the world, and about yourself, is suddenly not quite right anymore?
Who do you tell? Who will believe you?
What happens when you scarcely can believe it yourself?
That’s been my battle. And it’s why I’m finally writing now.
Because what if you are like me, and you thought you were the only person going through this? I’ve been in that place where you question your sanity, and you feel that there is no-one you can confide in. It’s the loneliest, most isolating feeling in the world….
I couldn’t do that to you. And anyway, it’s the strangeness and the difficult lonely road that has made my life worthwhile – that has made me who I am.
And now I understand – writing what is real for me also makes it real for you.
Bless ♥ Nicole xx
Thank you for this!
There was no one I could tell so I began to write. That too was taken away for a very long time. I started writing not knowing about the writing in childhood. A childhood friend that I shared a few things with turned white and said, “When did you start writing again?” She went on to tell me how my mother would purge my room and belongings on a random basis and find what I had done and what would happen afterwards. It took several more years before I began recalling the early writings. I had committed the unforgivable sin of writing about what was going on.
Thank you once again.
Thank you Nicole <3 Xx
Reblogged this on bruises you can touch and commented:
Who do you tell? My dear friend Nic’s lifelong messages – an ongoing journey
You continue to amaze and inspire me, Nicole xxxxxxxxxx
I want to write something in reply to convey how amazing, touching, raw and honest what you wrote is…….But I cannot find any words to describe. My heart goes out to that once lonely, frightened girl, who has blossomed. You help so many people Nicole, thank you for your honesty. Nerida xo
magically displaced, in another time, place and culture you would just be normal, just like me, hahaha!! ( i don’t often put those to words together in the same sentence!!) hugs sx
sp two… i feel sad that your journey has seemed quite solitary though… hugs sx
Dear Nicole, I experienced that I am not home in this world either. I ‘ve had my difficulties in being here and accepting what I thought I have to be. Now I know that I am not this body, I am a child of God and this world is only a dream I made. I ‘m going home now and many are on the way Home. I ‘m helped by A Course In Miracles, Love to you, Jetske 🙂 <3
Self doubt , Nicole, is my middle name . I have never ,ever, ever fit it and I STRUGGLE with normality every day of my life . I am about to go through a big one at mo and your beautiful honesty , yet again , has bought it home to me, making me realize I’ll get through somehow .
I find animals a real comfort because they believe whatever you say to them and give you unconditional love .
Take care of your special self .
Cherry x
I had goose bumps reading this mornings blog… however I still think I need to come out my shell and explore these wonderful wonderful experiences that I encounter and ever so grateful for, thank you Nicole for coming into my life.
Nicole so very true what you say. It is a gift we have that only a few can understand. I had always felt like a square peg in a round hole. Very different than other people. But now I embrace who I am and are not afraid. All the weird and wonderful things that happen in my life I treasure. Here in Saudi I am often amazed at how people open up to me and reach out because of what shines from me. They see I am different and are curious. My blog is read by so many people and now they recognise me in the streets. Others just marvel at how I get treated. For me the biggest thing is to show love because that is what life is about. To love, share and nurture. Thanks for sharing. x
Thank You Nicole 💫
We are honoured that you tell us and that together, all of us, the strange, the “misfits”, the ones who see and hear things beyond this dimension, we will come to know how truly special we are.
Nicole,I want to cry for the little girl you were… and hug the amazing women you have become. I send you my love. Thank you for sharing your story.
From my heart to yours, thank you. <3 <3
Learning to trust and go beyond the self-doubt is hard and that much easier when shared with another who knows.
Morning Nicole, this is so beautifully penned and I am grateful that you feel able to share it with us today because it will resonate with many giving them that sense of belonging that hasn’t always been there. Bless you. xox
I just want to sob, sob so deeply right now…………
While I don’t have your psychic abiities I can certainly relate to feeling like an outsider on many levels for most of my life. I never really fit-in in school, with friends, or family…..even though I feel loved and love many people. It is always a blessing to read your posts….they enliven my day and bring a ray of gladness and understanding to my life! Thank you dearly Nicole! love, Pamela
Dear Nicole, thank you so much for writing all this. I believe some of these experiences are my daughter’s, but she not telling much yet. I hope to be able to give her the support she needs if these things are indeed true like my gut tells me. She is only little now, but I see her struggling with things she is not always sharing (yet). Reading your blog helpes me understand a world that I think is at least partly hers. Thank you again for sharing your story.
Thank you Nicole, it helps knowing you (I) was not having some kind of psychedelic trip during those long years when the things I thought and saw seemed more real than reality. If I can release what is long buried perhaps I can finally fly too.
Bright Blessings Susan
Nicole, what you write here is why I write. Writing my memoir helped me make sense of my life and helped me accept who I am as well. I don’t have your psychic gifts but I am very intuitive and always felt “other” than, as if I didn’t belong anywhere. I am so glad you are writing what you write. It speaks to me.