“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.”
~ David G. Allen
I was kind of hoping to be sleeping right now. It’s 2am, and I was only fretfully sleeping at best between 8 and 11pm. Now I’m wide awake and I know the rest of the night is going to be a horror.
So I might as well blog.
I’m still herxing. My hopeful post yesterday about waking up and being done (yay? 🙁 ) was all just a little premature. What I actually experienced was a lull before Cyclone Lyme returned for a little more devastation.
Let’s just say I’m not having fun.
This disease (and like most Lyme sufferers I have several co-infections rather than simply one nemesis) is certainly teaching me patience.
I have all this stuff I want to do. I have all this stuff I’d planned to do. And of course those plans have all gone out the window.
After I sleep next I might wake up and this will be behind me. After I sleep next I might wake up and still be deep in herxing land. The only thing I can do is go with it, be patient, and know that eventually this crazy ride will come to an end.
You can’t do anything useful while you’re herxing. As the bacteria are dying, sending endotoxins into your system faster than your body can clear them, you end up with a cascading inflammatory effect that plays havoc with your system.
Right now my symptoms include nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea, puffy streaming eyes and nose, chest pain, nerve pain, joint pain, abdominal pain, impaired balance, itchy skin as though I am being bitten by ants, fevers and night sweats, headaches, random stabbing pains, swollen glands and raw throat. The one happy thought is that prior to today my mind was also on vacation – everything felt as if I was thinking through cotton wool. Now my mind is bright and clear. It’s just the rest of me that isn’t playing nice.
I’m okay with the process though. If this is how I heal, then I can roll with it. I have an arsenal of herbs and activated charcoal and zeolites and other great feel-better tricks in my tool kit. I have terrific doctors and natural therapists. I have enough Epsom Salts to start my own bath salts company. I have crystals to clutch and aromatherapy to sniff. I have a veranda where I can sit in the dark and talk to the owls. A whole farm where I can howl at the moon. The hospital is a short ride away, should I need it. My husband is asleep in the next room, and Harry the hound is sleeping on my feet, keeping me company while Bert sleeps in the space I vacated. I’m so grateful not to be alone and going through this, as too many people are.
I’m so grateful to be having a massive herx NOW and not when I’ve been working, and not when I’m on retreat. It’s actually pretty good timing, all things considered.
Anyway, it only feels like dying. Having looked at that end-of-your-life place from far too close, I KNOW that this shitty space I’m in right now is worth it. Life is worth it. Health is worth it.
Every time I have a massive herx like this, I end up with an equally massive shift in my health and I climb further back out of this hell-hole that has been my life for the past thirty years.
I really did try to make the best of that hole. I wallpapered and made it pretty, installed a comfy couch, put positive affirmations on the walls, surrounded myself with uplifting things. But it was still a hole. And each year it got a little deeper, and the sunshine seemed a little further away.
Looking back at me, a year ago, I can see how far I have already come. A year ago I was dying. There seemed to be no path forward other than faith, and trust me, that was thin on the ground.
Now I’m making real progress. On a non-herxy day I have a brain that works, a heart that behaves, better bloods, more energy, the ability to walk, talk and breathe all at the same time. My prognosis is good. I’m writing again. I’m working again. I have my life back.
All I need to do is stick with the treatment, put up with the herxes, and hang in there. I’m getting better. I have tangible proof of that.
By the time you read this, with any luck I shall be asleep. Fingers crossed, hey?
If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this: Don’t give up. You never know how close you are to a major breakthrough.
Wishing you your own breakthroughs, synchronicities, answers and miracles today. Bless ♥ xx
I’ve been trying very hard not to get bogged down by the herxing and all it entails. Ray is a magnificent support and without him I would be totally lost, as you know he is my sole support – for 99% of the time.
If you could, and I know everyone is different, but I’m sure the Lyme and co infections are having a similar effect on everyone, you said you have an “arsenal of herbs and activated charcoal and zeolites and other great feel-better tricks in my tool kit. I have terrific doctors and natural therapists. I have enough Epsom Salts to start my own bath salts company. I have crystals to clutch and aromatherapy to sniff.” I have one doc (you know) but I cannot find anyone who will accept the Lyme diagnosis. Natural therapist – recommendations are always helpful.
Nicole, I’m having a dreadful time – I can’t remember my last really good day, I fill tiny good bits with lots of imagination to try to get through. I would be so grateful if you would/could recommend either a practitioner or herbs to use… my roller coaster is running of rail…
I have no support or other friends to ‘lean on’, may I please ask for help?
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Susan xx
Sending you loving thoughts. xo V
Boy you are going through hell . How could I ever give up on anything ,NOW, when you have been struggling for so many years…my heart goes out to you sleep tight,
Cherry x
You are so loved and special to all of us ardent readers of your life’s loves, pains and gains, I know you know you are loved and held In the hearts of many but I just wanted to tell you again! X
PS if I may I would like to suggest magnesium bath salts to try even if just for a Change .. It worked well for me. Also magnesium spray on the extra ouchy bits. I’m sure you have tried it but shared anyway. X
Keep on keeping on. There is light at the end of this long tunnel.
thinking of you,
I hope you are asleep and today is better Nicole xxx
I just needed this so thank you. Beautifully written.
Hi Nicole, this is truly inspirational. It certainly has helped me to change my prospective for this day and my life. All my Love to you. xxx
<3 <3 <3
dear nicole, hope you are getting that much needed rest. hope that bad herx guy goes away soon and if he ever visits again…..well i hope he visits you less and less as time goes by. you are a real trooper! you never fail to inspire the whole wonderful planet! love, pamela
Your comment about not giving up at the end sent me blubbing into my cup of tea. Thank you for being so generous and inspiring, particularly as you were feeling like sh*t yourself. I also laughed at the top cartoon, as I am impatient when my life is not travelling well. “I don’t want to wait, I want it now”, especially when I feel down and out. So thanks and I pray that your herxing has ‘left the building’ by the time you awake again. xxxxx
Dearest Nicole – it sounds too awful to tell you that your writings are an inspiration (as it feels like “my benefit at your cost”)
Your pain and suffering makes mine pale into insignificance – I am in awe of the way you deal with this. You are incredible.
With huge love XX
You are such an inspiration Nicole. Sending you love and light and strength xxx
Sending you love and light. You are amazing to keep inspiring while you are so sick. Hope you feel better after your next sleep and this herxing period has ended. X
Muchos LOVE to you & your sweetheart hubbie…XX
sleep well missy! sending love to all the people who are experiencing compromised health today! sx
You are amazing! Feeling all the pains and hurts as you work through this, but also in the mix is that calm, strength and insight amongst all the chaos. You inspire so many people Nicole, blessings xo
LOVE the top cartoon, it is SO like me.
PS. I hope you are on the way to improvement soon.
That image at the end is so true, isn’t it. All the hard things show us what a human truly can endure.
Love/Godde/Source bless you deeply and fully.
So glad your health is making such progress, especially easily-noticeable progress! 🙂
I’m also having itchy ant-bite-skin hives right now, which the allergist said was because of having just had lyme (caught it soooo early, thank Goodness), and random stabbing pain, swollen glands, and some sparky feeling over my heart which I’ve been thinking is anxiety. I’m done with the antibiotics. It doesn’t seem right, but the doctors told me the hives are normal. Throughout the really short but really awful treatment I just went through, I thought of you and how strong and brave and kind you’ve been. It inspired me to keep my head up and try a little more to be brave and kind, and to meditate every day to keep stress low. Your posts have let me know what to expect in healing from a case of lyme. And the post with the yellow-chakra meditation was what gave me the strength that day to be true to what I knew was going on, and go to the clinic to show them the bullseye mark on my arm.
Thank you again for your encouragement. I don’t know that this comment is much, however it’s my offer in the way of a return of support and encouragement.
Blessings and hugs,
Mia
Sending you lots and lots of love!
Hope you get better soon.
Bless you Nicole, You are such an inspiration. xo
Sending healing hugs to you xoxo
I hope you had a nice, healing rest. Thank you for sharing your post on patience and resilience. I hope that each day you get better and better, and have perfect health soon.