Musings
The little poets sing of little things:
Hope, cheer, and faith,
small queens and puppet kings;
Lovers who kissed and then were made as one,
And modest flowers waving in the sun.The mighty poets write in blood and tears
And agony that, flame-like, bites and sears.
They reach their mad blind hands into the night,
To plumb abysses dead to human sight;
To drag from gulfs where lunacy lies curled,
Mad, monstrous nightmare shapes to blast the world.~ Robert E. Howard
I spent some time with my Lyme Doctor yesterday. I’ve not been travelling well on my current meds. In fact, since mid December I have been spiralling further and further into an abyss.
You might not know to look at me. I look better. For morale purposes I make an effort to wear a little lipstick, keep my hair soft and clean, and I choose lovely perfumes that smell of flowers and grass. I’ve had some sun on my skin, and my sister took me shopping for some pretty clothes.
Most days I don’t look too bad.
Until you get inside my skin.
After my retreat, when I went back on my meds, things went downhill.
I suffered a seizure during herxing just before Christmas. A seizure that threw me out of bed and left me tangled face down on the floor, unable to move until my husband found me half an hour later.
I cut the meds right back but still my symptoms piled up, which is distressing after having felt so much better just a month before.
My fatigue has become so bad that I usually get one or two good hours in the morning. Some days it’s all I can do to move from bed to chair. I keep waiting for it to get better, but so far it hasn’t. Bed is my happy place.
The soles of my feet are on fire, and they feel as if someone has beaten them with a truncheon. The tendons in my calves and ankles are so stiff that I can only hobble until I have warmed up sufficiently to gain some kind of normal movement. This has nothing to do with ambient temperature – here in Australia we’re in the middle of a heatwave. Of course I have chills some of the time, so I’m coping with the heat better than you’d expect…
Nerve pain keeps me awake at night, and has swollen my forearms.
Strange red scratch marks have blemished my skin.
My major joints have the sort of anguishing pain normally reserved for divers with the bends.
Arthritis has returned and the strength in my hands has gone. When we went for breakfast last week, my dear friend Carly had to cut up my food so I could eat it.
My vision has deteriorated. I have constant fevers and night sweats. Brain fog. My glands are swollen, I can’t sleep, and weird things are happening to my ears – which are hot, cold, burning, and giving me a range of hearing issues as well as pain and pressure.
My chest pain has returned, as well as shortness of breath.
I’m anxious, agitated, exhausted and despairing. The pain is only just bearable. It’s taking all of my skills as a meditator and optimist to keep myself afloat right now.
In short, I’m not having fun.
But my doctor is thrilled. From my new list of symptoms he is positive he can diagnose a big flare up of Bartonella in my mix of tick-borne diseases.
So I have a raft of new drugs to go with the ones that are already making me feel so awful. We’re going to hit this hard. And I’m totally okay with that. I’m ready for my big break-through!!!
On New Year’s Day I wrote about the energies of 2014, and the different types of year we might be facing. It’s dawned on me that I am facing the first kind of year:
1. Re-Cycling. We have not learned what we needed – travelling through life asleep, unaware or ignorant. Or perhaps we just weren’t ready to make that change. This year we can learn very fast – choosing to face the lessons head on, or cycle back to the very beginning of our pattern or our story and start the whole learning cycle over with the new cycle then lasting many years. It can be a pattern-breaking year, and a major turning point or a bend in an endless loop. The choice is yours.
That’s the thing about these Lyme-like diseases. You have one good chance to sort it all out and make a clean recovery.
This is my chance. I can’t be faffing about looking after everyone else at the expense of myself. I can’t keep putting on that brave face and struggling forward when all I want to do is collapse in a heap. 2014 is my year for looking these pathogenic monsters square in the eye, not backing down, and then hitting them with all I’ve got.
I’ve given the best years of my life to this illness. I can’t keep doing that. I want my life back. I need to live without rationing spoons, without planning and living within massive limits, and without playing nice when I feel like screaming.
So I will keep fighting this thing with everything at my disposal. Drugs, herbs, science, food as medicine, meditation, rest, nature, alternative therapies, prayer and good-old-fashioned stubbornness. There is no way I am giving in to this. Recovery is my biggest priority right now. It has to be. I don’t have the strength to keep doing this dance endlessly.
Meanwhile I keep reminding myself something I know to be true: My life is already blessed. It’s worth fighting for. Imagine how it will look when I am well!
Blessings, best wishes and über hugs to you Nicole. What e’er you need, then let it be… Deb
I have experienced the angelic healing that the White Eagle Lodge tap in to, so I heartily recommend it. You can request it on their website, no need to go anywhere for distant/absent healing. They have a temple in Maleny.
Bless bless bless, thats fighting talk Nicole…you go girl and kick those b”&&*)’s asses. Most definitely in your corner just knock em out…duck, dive, dodge and when they are least expecting it just nail em!…. Sometimes we just gotta do what we gotta do even if is most unbecoming for a lady to act like that…but in Forest Gump speak a warrior is what a warrior does..continue to be that warrior, you are doing so well…much much much love sent your way.xxx
I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. I’ve been battling the Bartonella almost from the start and wondered why we were having such different reactions. It doesn’t help. I’m fighting Babesia and Barts now… I’m not sure which end is up. I can only send love and peace Nicole, but they are with you. Take care, be well and rest. Blessings Susan x
I hope you will feel better soon. Sending strength and support to you.
Sending you love and strength and peace Nicole. You keep telling those little meanies whose really the boss! xoxoxoxo
Nicole, I’m so sorry that you’re having such a bad time of it. Especially after you were feeling so much better. You are certainly a special breed of person to be able to find the positive during such a difficult trial. Thankfully, It sounds like your doctor is on top of things and that the new round of treatment will stomp the little beasties into oblivion! Every step you take is one step closer to total health. I’m thinking of you and continue to pray for your massive healing. –Lucinda
Sorry to hear of your health battles it’s so hard isn’t it. I have Lyme and my kids get distressed when they see me in pain etc it is awful. Hope 2014 is your year xoxo
I can not believe what you have to go through . It makes my problems seem insignificant in comparison . Go for it girl we are with you all way .
Cherry x
I’m just around the corner when your home in BB shire…chicken soup…foot rubs…holding your hand…and just sitting quietly…I’m here for you and Ben as well…Xo
love and blessings.
Wendy
Sending love, strength and healing light to you Nicole. And please know your loyal readers won’t mind one bit if you miss a couple of days blogging while you use your energy to rest and recover. xxx
I feel so much for what you are going through, it couldn’t be more hideous. I do hope that the treatment will be successful and your life after Lymes will be especially blessed. I just heard a program on Lymes on Radio National – ‘Background Briefing’ which was very interesting and thought I would let you know so you can check it out. A Dr Carl Hertzberg in Bellingen is treating a lot of cases. Just so you can ‘pigeon-hole’ me, I am Lucy and Sam’s mum. With love, Jenny x
I am so sorry to hear that. Please know how important your writing is and how much it helps me stay human. Sending warm energetic thoughts!!
Keeping you right here in my Heart Nicole …keep going you are worth it
Dear Nicole, why would you have to be in the recycling phase in terms of 2014 energies, when you have been the most committed person to healing and moving forward that I know. You have worked so hard. Would be nice for you to get a break and ride the wave in smoothly for a change. Take care lisa
I cannot even imagine the ghastliness of the disease but your description paints a grim picture of what it is like now for you. Unbearable and yes, you have been looking after all of us so generously and now it is time for you. I send you love and prayers and massive doses of hope. Jxxx
You are truly blessed because despite your own struggles with your health, you find the time to uplift others. You truly are an inspiration and I’m so thankful that I found you. I am sending you much love and healing light to join the powerful intentions of your soul family and the angels that surround you. xxx
My heart just cried for you as i read the pain and anguish of what you have and you body is going through. You are in my prayers daily and I pray these meds will kill what ever cause you all this pain/ Your positive attitude and how you just keep writing inspires me daily
This post i am reading while back on bedrest and this point 1. Re-Cycling. was an oh yes I have some journaling to do there
Big hugs, all my love
Suzie xxoo
Sweet blessings, strength, and love to you Nicole xxx
I wish I lived near you and I would bring you Chicken soup and gently stroke your forehead XXX
Nicole dearest what can I say… except lots and lots and lots of love to you… and I know you can do it. And with the power of 2014 with you… you will. Only you know what you need to do. I realized this morning, I know very little about Healing (even thou it’s been a constant travel companion)… there’s so much we don’t understand about everything. But I sense only we know what it is for us… we need to enter that magickal world of Healing… and let it lead us where it will. God/dess blessings to you dear soul… marilyn xxxx
You go girl!!! Do whatever you need to do to make the most of this time to really blow those nasties out of the system. We are all right behind you, your cheer squad yelling our support from the sidelines! We love & acknowledge you & know that if anyone can do this & show the way for others too, it’s you! Wishing you continued strength, healing & grit-determination! XO
Sending you love and light Nicole. Xxx
I liked this post not because I like reading you are suffering so badly but to let others know I came and read and thought if only I could do something to help you I would. Reading posts like this helps remind me that I am one lucky woman to have pretty good health even if I don’t always feel that good.
Ooh I want to be mum, order you to bed…. no more blogging, no more early mornings, more self, self, self, first, second and last…. no ifs, buts or maybes. Nourishing soups, like old fashioned beef tea, cups of tea and zzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Yes mum…
Seriously though, I am, and have been very concerned. Sending you heaps of healing light and love. Cherie xxx
Dearest Nicole, Blessings love and healing energy goes strongly to you each and every moment of your fight. The why of this cannot matter the healing and flow of that healing does. Know that so many of us are sending you love and light constantly to help you with this. As a little aside your post has moved me to tears. I am on the sidelines of my own Nicole’s fight with this illness, and the helplessness that goes with this is my struggle to learn from. She too is having this same response right know and so your words today have touched us as this is a lonely fight for the individual lyme sufferer trying to heal. Love and blessings and may Archangel Raphael support you with rapid healings. Jocelyn xxoo
Had no idea the effects Nicole, thanks for sharing and sending strong healing thoughts..
Sending you lots of love and wishes for continuing strength to battle this monster!
Love, strength and courage to you!! You are a true inspiration.
Sounds like you need some dog therapy to get you through the meds. Blessings to you and yours. Sending love and light.
I am so so sorry, Nicole. Sending prayers and virtual hugs
All the best for your recovery. I haven’t read through your entire blog as yet; making my way! Have you seen a kinesiologist who can work along side your doctor? I sense this would be most beneficial for you xx
Sweetheart, if there is anything at all I can do for you, just say the word. I know it’s not enough but you’re always in my thoughts. I love you, Kimmie xx