“Three things in human life are important: the first is to be kind; the second is to be kind; and the third is to be kind.”
~ Henry James
I was raised to be well-mannered. A nice girl. A polite girl. A kind girl. A girl who was first and foremost considerate of the feelings and needs of others.
Mostly, that has served me well.
In fact, years of illness and pain, years of being different and of being psychic and empathic have further refined my deep desire to live from love and kindness and to choose to see the good in everyone.
But there is one small problem with that.
Sometimes, when I relentlessly pursue kindness and offer second chances (and many more..), when I support you, include you, uplift you and hold space for you, really all I am doing is drinking from your poisoned chalice. I am not helping you in any way – in fact you feed off my empathy and kindness. Why? Because, you are not wired like other human beings. You will not change. You are a narcissist. Or a sociopath. You play me for my kindness, my manners, my inherent belief in the goodness of all people, my deep desire to help others and to be of service.
I watched a loved one endure a terrible suffering for years at the hands of such a relationship. It almost broke her, and stole the best years of her life. It isolated her and destroyed her other relationships. Now that the situation is at an end this perpetrator still gas-lights her, and ruins her reputation with others. It’s an insidious and vicious situation.
This morning, once again, I was invited to do my own dance with such a person. This is a person who plays games with me. They berate me and tear me down to others. In the next breath or social media post they laud me and want to be my nearest and dearest. They copy me. They bully me, manipulate and game-play, and always, always explain their bad behaviours as being misunderstood – they are a victim, a sufferer who is only reaching out for help.
Each interaction twists me in knots. Knowing what they are does not make me feel any less distressed at our engagements.
In the past I have worried endlessly about what to do, or what to say because my innate driver is to be kind, to be selfless, to be the nice girl in the face of mean behaviour.
But I have also learned some important lessons. It is important to extend kindness to myself. To continue to knowingly suffer and gain no benefit from such an interaction is self-inflicted meanness. It is also my duty as a teacher to exclude such people from my teaching environments. A class full of empaths dealing with the drama of a narcissist or sociopath doesn’t help them – it distracts them from their work and from fulfilling their own needs.
Everyone has the capacity to be mean. And sometimes we are mean without even realising it. That’s not what I’m talking about.
If you’re going through a hard time, if you’re in the space of learning, as your teacher or your friend I will support you and hold space for you a thousand times over, through meanness and temper tantrums and all manner of other distressing or hurtful spaces. I’m up for that. I expect that, as part of my role, and I will fight for you and for your potential. I will love and believe in you until you can love and believe in yourself.
I stand for kindness. I believe in kindness. I believe in service. I believe in helping others. I will keep being kind, and well-mannered, and I will live from my heart.
But if you’re a dyed-in-the-wool narcissist or a sociopath you have no place in my life. I will actively close doors to you, and I will protect my heart, my home and my work space from your incursions. Still, I wish you well, and I send you love. But there is no space here for you at my table.
🙂
<3
Some people can only be loved from a distance. You are spot on, Nicole – letting those people into your life is not a kindness, either to them or you.
A very timely post for me – it hit the nail right on the head. I recently decided to do likewise, and have closed the door to a person who pushed me too far, one time too many. I wish him no harm, but he can no longer count on me for support. It’s the first time for me in almost 47 years -but self-preservation is as important as taking care of others.
Great read Nicole. Wonderful reminder on staying true to ourselves.xx
Big hugs!! And thank you that has and will help me a lot. xx
Well said Nicole. I too was brought up to be kind no matter what. Just as I have been thinking I am being mean and should go and see my brother when I go back to Aus. Then I am reminded by you of why it is not a good thing. He is a truly narcissistic and a sociopath. So am I going to see him. The answer is a resounding NO!!!!
Thank you for your wise words Nicole and such a great reminder that we are sometimes in the company of such negative people. Sending you loads of love and stay strong
Xx
Boy I wish I could send this to someone who has turned on me, is a drama queen and as a result is making me ill…but she is so into herself and she is always the wronged person that it would be a waste of my time. Those people only want to believe in the world that they have created in their minds. Sad.
I love this post Nicole – as you have said to me before – boundaries, boundaries and more boundaries.
Like you I am still learning – but these days I try to take note of that zing or clench in my stomach when these people come at me with a “smile”. I don’t have time for these people in my life. The moment I feel that Zing – the boundaries go up and I allow myself to feel that way – it is my red flag!!!
These lessons have been hard earn’t, but I think they are some of the most important of my life.
Bravo!!!
Mmmm not nice. Have them in my family and circle of ‘old’ friends. They can be sooo charming that people think it you that’s you who is being uncharitable if something is pointed out to them. However, if it is not happening to them, they are happy not to rock the boat…. So sorry to hear it is happening to you. Say strong, and thank you for sharing. big hugs and love. enjoy your weekend xxxx
Probably one of the reasons why I believe in 2nd chances and in kindness was because I was raised by someone who believed in me first, the rest of the world second (and not in a good way like self-care). Not having the kindness and caring in my daily life made me value it so much more when I found it. Thank you for the reminder that I have the right to say no when my family tries to pull me back down into the tar-pit.
I am always so flabbergasted that it takes me so long to identify these people. I just keep giving the proverbial shirt off my back presuming that everyone is kindness & love & yet they blindside me. It happens less as I get older as I think I am a lot fiercer in my own strength which puts those sorts off a bit, however it still happens & I am dumbfounded. Actually I find the bullies the hardest to negotiate. This year I’ve just decided “ENOUGH ALREADY” . No more will I put up with it & play the games & play nice.
Wonderful words Nicole, when you have a kind and caring heart it is so difficult to shut out the people that cause grief and get you to breaking point both mentally and physicaloly. It does take a long time to realise that at the centre of everything our own well-being is the important thing that keeps us going and able to be caring and nurturing to the people in our lives that appreciate and deserve it. shut those doors with a bit of a bang and keep them out! You are far too beautiful a soul to have vacuous people like these in your life <3
Yes, it is really important for you to remember to be kind to yourself is so important.
Well said Nicole. Big hug to you!! 💜
Appreciated your brief talk about this at retreat. You nailed it on the head with every point. A couple of us were in a bit of psychic pain leftover from narcissistically wounded mothers. These ripples can and do interfere with what is going on at present in one’s life. Your tough-love reminders are oh-so healing.
Well said. If you are living with a narcissist that is gas lighting you, it becomes so normal, you don’t realize it’s happening until someone else points it out. I keep people at a distance now until I know they are kind, kind, and kind. I loved that quote. I have no time left in this world for those who are not. I walked away from a “good” life to one that is quite simple so I could clear out such energy. It’s too costly and bravo for you for not tolerating it and keeping that away from those in your groups. My mantra was “I release you with love” Now I need to learn to be kinder to myself as well.
yesssss!! Thank you!
Oooh perfect. Thanks Nicole. As others have commented, it’s so hard to do when it involves family. BUT if every encounter leads to arguments and nasty spiteful words at me then I’m not here for that. I will not stand for that. Nor will Mike. And nor should we have to explain to Lena why her grandad makes me cry. I just wish I wasn’t the only family member who saw things for how they really are 🙁
I love what you said about extending kindness to ourselves. So important to remember. It’s hard to let go, especially of family or people close to me. But if they are not contributing to our peace and serenity in some way, they are toxic and will suck the life out of us. Lessons we all need to learn.
Very well said Nicole! It took me years & years to shut those kind of people out of my life! Especially when they’re supposedly family. Still slip up now and then though! Lol . The crappy part of it is , I would end feeling so bad about myself afterwards….. The trick to it is I’ve found, ( for me anyways) like you say, wish them well, & send love. Great post “again” Nicole! ❤️
I couldn’t agree more Kylie! 😄
What a great reminder that we must protect and treasure our hearts.
Amen to that! 🙂