“But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for…or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.”
~ J.R. Ward
I’m still sick.
Each night I go to bed hoping that tomorrow I will wake, miraculously better.
Each morning I wake, still sick.
This morning it was hard to muster gratitude, as an immune-compromised person dealing with the flu. In other people this bug might last a few days. But in me it has taken hold and then ravaged me. I have chest pain that scares me. I’ve lost vision in my left eye. My body aches, and there are a million other miseries (I’ve become neurologically incontinent again, old Lyme symptoms I haven’t experienced for years have revisited…) I am exhausted and broken and this wasn’t part of my plan! But I don’t want to be cranky. I don’t want to focus on the negative, or on my fears, or how wretched I feel. That won’t serve me.
And yes, I am grateful for the birds, and the sunrise, and my amazing husband and our two caring hounds who haven’t left my side. For all of you, and your love and support. But I am also aching and hurting for all of the opportunities lost, and the position I am currently in, and my helplessness in it all.
While I thought on all of this as I lay in bed, I remembered.
I’ve been in this place so often. Of life sucking pretty hard. Of my health letting me down, or other, worse things. Magical New Age Rainbow Unicorn Thinking isn’t going to help me. It is what is, and I can’t change it.
In this hard space, there is still something to be grateful for, despite the general suckfulness of it all.
I am resilient. I am a survivor. I can be grateful for me, and my own tenacity. I can be grateful that I am still here, maybe not standing today but conscious and continuing in my own gritted-teeth way.
That’s what I want to remind you this morning. You are the miracle. Think of all you have been through. Think of everything life has thrown at you over the years.
On the days when life is mostly hard, or maybe even a completely brutal ride, remember to be grateful for yourself and your ability to get yourself through. Remind yourself that you are stronger than this. Be grateful for your resilience and your determination, your courage and your indefatigable ability to endure.
You are worth celebrating. Acknowledging your journey and your strength will light a flame in your heart to keep you going on the darkest of days.
Sending so much love your way,
Nicole xx
Yes Nicole! Inside the heart of this darkness, you have found a precious light; gratitude for yourself <3 I connected with what you wrote immediately, understood your words completely. Bless your heart and soul, and may you find health and peace soon <3
Beautiful Nicole, after struggling with unwellness for a time I was guided to a book by medical Medium Anthony Williams. Everytime I read it I thought of your struggle with Lyme disease. His explanations and advice are priceless. You are in my prayers. Cristina
Sending healing light your way.
I have been struggling with this concept the past couple days, been way down physically after doing very well for several weeks and not feeling very positive and feeling guilty because I am having difficulty being grateful and I know I have much to be grateful for ( how’s that for a great example of a run on sentence!!) Thank you, Nicole, for this timely reminder! Much love and positive thoughts coming your direction! !!
Nicole,
Thinking of you. Hoping you feel better soon. Love and light coming your way.
Jen
Sorry you’re feeling so rough, Nicole – thank you for your reminder to be grateful whatever the situation we find ourselves in. Perhaps after your solo trip, your body just needs some extra special TLC. All the light and love that you send out to us… I’m sending right back at you
Oh Nicole, you are such an inspiration. Even when you’re sick and riddled with aches and pains you can still be positive and cherish the fundamentals of life. Continue to be strong. You are a survivor. Sending you hugs, light and lots of healing love. xox
At the first part of your blog Nicole, I was thinking poor Nicole back to feeing ill again . As you know I have been an avid follower of your blog for at least four years and have followed your journey and unknowingly you have followed mine . I don’t comment as much as I used to but I’m always reading your wonderful inspiring words . I have noticed how much better you have been lately with your wonderful trip recently etc .
Then something miraculous happened you realised just how wonderful you are to get where you are now and that specialness my darling will get you there , back doing exciting things like the rest of us .
You take care sending you some metaphorical chicken broth 🤒🤕😴❤️❤️❤️Xxxxx
Cherryx
Oh, Nicole, I’m so sorry to hear you are still feeling so physically miserable. Healing hugs being sent your way, and to everyone else in need today. Your gratitude reminder is quite profound so thank you for taking the time to connect with us. I’m going to heed your advice to Nikky: “Think back and look at what has worked for you before. Do more of that. Do less of things that don’t help.” Lots of love, Michelle xx
Hi again Nicole. I just wanted to get back in touch again because whilst I was meditating on sending you healing energy I thought about a couple of things that I would like to offer you, and considering how much you offer of yourself to help others I thought it only fair that if I have something that may help you that I should do so.
The first thing is natures gift (Honey). This glorious golden elixir is such a blessing to people like us. It seems that it possess’ both antibacterial and anti-inflammatory properties that can assist during times of illness’ like the cold and flue. During my times I tend to take 1 teaspoon straight morning and night plus I sip on it (mixed with warm boiled water) during the day. I have passed this tip onto others and they have told me that it helped them to heal quite quickly, so. I hope this may help you too.
The second offering I have for you is an ancient healing incantation that I used when I had a problem with my heart about two years ago. Then the doctors said their tests showed evidence of a heart attack but when I next had a more in depth test with an echo-Doppler (after two weeks and doing this incantation) they couldn’t find anything that showed a heart attack. Look I don’t know if it was this incantation or my belief that it would work or what but …I don’t think it would hurt if you are interested.. Sadly I don’t remember where I got it but you can find it on a Wiccan site (wiccanspells.info › Healing Spells).
My last offering is something very personal that I hope may make you smile. I have just become a grandmother for the first time. She is a beautiful little girl who I believe has very knowing eyes (I think she has been here before). She is much loved and wanted, but there is also one other thing that seems magical about her. You see, her mother and I share the same birthday and this beautiful little miss decided to join us. So now all three of us share the same birth date. Magical or what? Needless to say both my daughter in law and I really wanted this to happen and now it has we are over the moon. Anyway, I hope our little ray of sunshine manages to bring a little glimmer of light to you too.
Blessed Be
AmberStar
Nicole, I’m so sorry that you are suffering yet another round of illness. And I’m sorry for all the sweet souls on this post who are also struggling with illness or difficult issues. Love, Light, and gentle hugs to all of you – I’m praying for you.
Thinking of you Nicole & sending lots of love & hugs xx
Dearest Nicole,
This.time of sickness too shall pass, like the others that did. We are praying and sending our love for your fast recovery.
Nicole, thank you to you with appreciation for this post.
Even with your health down and feeling off, you managed to share with us valuable gems. If you can derive any consolation from your ordeal, know that your insight became an important light bulb moment for me, followed by a positive change of perception. You have no idea the uplifting impact your words and sensitive wisdom has given!
Get well soon!
You will be back on your feet, healthy, happy and strong!
Sending you prayers, hugs and chicken soup.
– Evelyn, JB, M’sia.
Thank you for the grace of this post. It was a good reminder that I needed today….I do hope that every day from now on will find you stronger than the day before, and more at ease, more filled with well being.
Dear Nicole,
Hi. As someone who has recently discovered your wonderfully inspirational site I just want to say “thank you” for all you are doing to make this world a better place for everyone. I can honestly say to you that I am new to all this internet stuff having only really acquired the ways and means to have access to it in late 2015. I can also honestly say that your site is the only one that I have found myself returning to on a regular basis. What you have offered on your pages is so awesome because it feels so real and unedited, may I even go as far as saying it is “raw” which is what I believe makes it so special to the rest of us.
Today I have taken a little time out and read your latest positing ‘For when it’s hard to be grateful’ and in return I just wanted to get in touch to let you know that you are not alone. Nicole, as someone who also has chronic health conditions and for whom the ‘average’ cold or flue can turn into something a lot more serious than just sniffles, temperatures and aches and pains, I can fully understand where you are coming from in your two most recent posts. For me it is because I have a immune problems and I cant take any antibiotics that any cold or flue turns out to be something that really puts my poor old body through the wringer and forces it to try to heal itself for the umpteenth time. I truly do wish people would realise what their well intentioned ‘soldiering on’ can do to people like you and I . But again just like you I have found that these times have been when I have had the time to really sit back and reflect on myself and my life, and quite often that it when I have really come to appreciate all those ‘little gems’ that have always there but have sometimes been left unnoticed or unappreciated when I was ‘healthy’ and running around getting all those things that I needed to done. I suppose it has been in those times that I have come to develop my spiritual self to the point where I am now always determined to live my life to the fullest and to try to not let any moment of happiness slip by if I can help it.
Anyway, that is all that wanted to say to you at the moment apart from the obvious of wishing you the speediest recovery possible. Be sure that I have every intention of sending loving and healing energy your way.
Until next time,
Blessed be
AmberStar
There are days when we and by we I mean me, wake up and think that my body is going to be good today but then I get my shoes on and head out for my morning walk and my arm aches and the hand shakes and my balance is shot and then my back starts with the pain and by the time I get home I am stuffed and Tim will look at me and ask why do I torture myself with the walk and all I can say is that walking is good for me, I like walking, I don’t like all the other stuff that often goes hand in hand with walking
Send you love, light, and big hugs. Please keep resting xxx
I can relate to this so much – when Chronic Fatigue doubled with other illness leaves you shaken and scared – will you ever get better? – and all the problems and holes it seems to leave in your life.
You can feel like you are letting others down and being a burden, meanwhile your are having the fight of your life just to stay afloat.
When it gets to these really tough battles and my confidence in life wavers, like you, I remember I have come through and gotten better in the end.
You never know what help or solutions are just around the corner.
I don’t think we are meant to be chronically sick and I believe the universe wants us to be well.
In the mean time, if part of my life dharma is to be unwell – I try to learn from this as best I can, I make this my challenge. I focus on making life as beautiful as I can with this challenge – which includes all the swings and roundabouts of being unwell.
You are braver and tougher than you know, rest in the knowledge that this too is somehow part of the plan.
I am sending you so much love and a big hug for when you feel that all this is huddling on top of you – this too shall pass – even though it seems endless now.
Much love and understanding – Sue Girl
Thinking of you Nicole. Take care of yourself.
Thank you for this post Nicole. I’m so sorry you’re still sick and dealing with all these symptoms. Tour post reminded me to be grateful too. I had yesterday a doctor’s appointment I have been waiting for for many months. He said there is nothing he can do to help me. I felt so disappointed and defeated. I spent most of the day in tears. I will try to look at what is good in my life. Thank you
Nikky, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve been told that there is nothing that can be done for me I would be a Gazillionaire by now.
A crying hour or even a crying day is good. It gives outlet for our pain and grief and rage and frustration. It stops those emotions from becoming stuck in our body or our psyche.
But when you are done with crying, regroup. Think back and look at what has worked for you before. Do more of that. Do less of things that don’t help.
If you have reached a point where you don’t know anymore, just rest and stop worrying for a while. Then, when you feel ready, think about what actions give you a feeling of relief, and let that feeling guide you until you become strong in yourself again.
You are a survivor, and you are smart and resilient and you will find a way. Sometimes we need to live with limitations, or circumstances which are beyond our capacity to change, but we are always the Captain of our own heart, our own mind, our own soul. You can always find a way to live with grace and gratitude, and I know you will. Big hugs and love to you. Don’t give up on yourself xoxo
Thank you so much Nicole. You have no idea how much comfort your words and love bring to me. you are right that I am a survivor. I survived war and 20 years of emotional sexual and physical abuse. I think my frustration is not only that there is no cure or solution but mainly it is fear. I am getting worse day after day and I am terrified of not being able to manage on my own and take care of my home and children as I have no one to help me. I try to just focus on today. Do whatever I can do today and not worry about tomorrow.
Love and hugs to you too. Thank you <3
I am reading your reply over and over again. It brings me comfort. Thank you Nicole. Much love to you. Hope you get betterr very soon
Wish there was something to offer that was a magical cure to take away some of the symptoms, but unfortunately other than castor oil packs, (which are probably inappropriate !), I send you healing light. xx
Praying for you . Your words touch and help more than you know. We love you, feel better! !
Hope you wil soon be feeling wonderful again …..and thanks for your inspirational posts 💙💚💜
Take care and much love to you. Big hug!!! 😘❤️