“I was a terrible believer in things,but I was also a terrible nonbeliever in things. I was as searching as I was skeptical. I didn’t know where to put my faith,or if there was such a place,or even what the word faith meant, in all of it’s complexity. Everything seemed to be possibly potent and possibly fake.”
~ Cheryl Strayed
This is a long story, so I’m going to tell it over two days. It might seem like a couple of unrelated stories to start off with, but I promise you it comes together at the end.
So, let’s start at the beginning…
Earlier this year a friend put me in touch with a business coach – a very successful man who had guided her and many others to be able to grow their businesses and themselves. All of these people had existing very successful businesses, and this coach had helped them to move to the next level.
It seemed like a good fit. I was ready and looking, and he was spoken of very highly. He lives overseas so I booked in a skype session with him, feeling very excited.
And then it all went pear-shaped.
What did I do, he asked me.
I’m a psychic, I said, and a metaphysical teacher. I help people to connect to their own intuition and psychic abilities. I blog too.
And you make money from that? His voice was skeptical. In fact, there was more than a hint of something else there. That thing was ridicule.
Yes, I said, I’m doing okay. My initial enthusiasm was fast waning. Bewilderingly, I began to wilt beneath his scrutiny.
Really? But you must have been something else…. before… this… he added.
I explained that I had once owned a very successful training and communications business, with many government and large corporate clients.
Good. That’s where the money is, the coach said, visibly relieved. That’s what you need to go back to. I’m happy to coach you around that. We should be able to make something fly really fast for you there. And I’m thinking now… imagine how you’d go creating online courses for people? Or teaching that? Brilliant!
But that wasn’t what I wanted to do.
When I told him that, he announced that he couldn’t work with me.
I’m a total non-believer in that psychic nonsense, he said. And further, he thought taking me on as a client would reflect badly upon his own ‘brand’.
I got off that call feeling bad about myself and my place in the world.
To make it worse, I heard back from my friend that this coach had trash-talked me to her, saying that I’d ‘wasted my education and abilities to peddle New Age crap to soccer moms and trailer trash’.
Ouch. Talk about confronting! Because of that call I questioned every choice I’d made. I questioned whether my life and what I was doing with it was worthwhile, whether I was actually doing something meaningful, or whether I was deluding myself.
The successful business coach reduced me to feeling like a loser. I seriously wondered if I should have gone back to the corporate world after all. It rocked me more than I’d expected and I’ll be honest in sharing that it took a few weeks to recalibrate my internal equilibrium.
Fast forward to last week.
A gentleman I worked with in the corporate world ten years ago contacted me and offered me (and my shelved company) a three-year contract if I would go back and head up a task force for a project I’d once been instrumental in getting off the ground. It was a seven-figure gig. Per year.
Per year. That’s so much money.
But it was a July 1 start, so no holiday for me (I’m meant to be flying out on May 29 for 6 weeks). I’d be working with people I don’t like. And I’d need to be based in Canberra for three years. They’d own me, essentially. For which I would be very well paid. I’d have to close my psychic business down. Cancel my workshops and retreats. Walk away from everything I’d been building. I was actually considering it, and then the guy said something that made all my alarm bells sound.
You’re the only person I know, Nicole, who specialises in impossible deadlines.
There it was. I’d be working til I dropped. Just like I had the last time we’d worked together. The answer had to be no.
Still, I couldn’t say it. I told this man I needed to discuss his offer with my husband and would get back to him next Monday, after which I felt sick and couldn’t sleep for days for wondering what I should do. Although my husband was sure I needed to say no. And in my heart I knew without a doubt that I needed to turn it down.
But the money…
So much money.
Perhaps worse than that was the fact that I knew if I took this role I would finally have the approval of certain family members, and of some friends who have turned their back on me, given what I now do with my life.
Ben and I talked about it endlessly. Or rather, I kept trying to talk about it and come at it from different angles while Ben listened patiently. Wisely, Ben reminded me of what had happened last time I’d worked on this kind of project. How I’d spend weeks getting four hours sleep a night to make things happen. How I’d eaten stress breakfast, lunch and dinner. Finally I couldn’t come up with one single legitimate reason to accept the contract. I love my life here at the farm. I love my work. I’m really happy, and I’m finally on the path to health. I’d be throwing all of that away, just for money and approval.
I can’t go back to that jungle, I said to Ben. But you know what? I’m just going to throw it out to the Universe anyway. Because I still feel a bit doubty. I’m going to trust that somehow I’ll get confirmation one way or the other, from outside myself.
The very next morning (Friday), there it was in my facebook inbox. A message from one of my students.
Hi Nicole, you featured in my very big dream last night. I am not sure if this message was for you. You said to me you were here to help life and “life is love”. That is why you can’t go to the jungle! Just thought I would share. Much love T xx
They were almost the exact words I’d spoken to Ben.
I’d love to tell you that I was able to let it go after that. But no. On Saturday night I felt quite teary and depressed. I was feeling as if my blog and my psychic work and my teaching didn’t matter. I wasn’t making enough of a difference. Maybe I had it all wrong.
Even on Sunday I couldn’t shake the feeling. I fumbled through my day off in a miserable space of self-doubt.
And then late in the day I received a series of messages on my phone that arrived via facebook. Something made me look at them. What happened next brought me full circle.
But I’ll tell you about that tomorrow…
Isn’t it incredible how that need to be accepted is so very strong. Despite years and years of amazing service helping thousands and thousands of people through your words and your work still that little niggling doubt remains. I get it. I totally do. I am grateful to you for sharing your struggle with this Nicole. You see, by sharing your too-ing and fro-ing, your intimate thoughts and vulnerabilities, you helped me see that I’m not the only one who struggles so. You’ve reinforced the importance of being true to self. You have changed my life in so many ways. I thank you for being so uniquely you.❤️❤️
Wow I’m loving this …stay who you are be happy and enjoy , sod those who put you down and don’t belive in you .
Over to tomorrow …I’m a little too laid back here in west wales and way behind …but I’m happy .
Cherryx
Oh thank you for this great article. I can so feel where you were at in the moment. It’s so hard to turn down offers like that, your soul whispers one thing, your rational brain another, you start to doubt yourself……and if you are sensitive to have others criticise your work or legitimacy can be so hard. Well done for hearing the calling of your soul – i can’t wait to read the next instalment. It’s reminding me what I need to be paying attention to.
There is nothing more important than living in your joy. I know how important it is to be able to pay the bills but you already knew the answer. It’s funny how someone can make us feel bad about who we are with just a few sentences. You don’t need to make a profound impact on the world. Even though you do in so many ways, living with what brings you joy is the most important thing. Both of those men haven’t a clue. Too bad for them.
That so called business coach should be defrocked not only for how he treated you on the phone but also by breaking professional confidentiality by bad mouthing you to another client. Your light shines so much brighter than his!!!!!!!!!
You are so worth it and what you do. Personally, I wouldn’t be who I am now had I not had you as a shining light – and I don’t say that lightly. Many, many thanks for your contribution to the world and making it a better place. Much love and hugs xxx
Those darn planets shaking up all those loose ends! Thank goodness May is almost over with all that retrograding stuff.
Don’t be crazy, you are amazing, on track, on course. You have helped so many lives and still so many more to come through your readings, your interventions, your retreats, your workshops, your courses and your best work of all – your daily blog to us.
So no nicole don’t be crazy, what others think of you is none of your business, your Health, your farm and your husband Ben are your priorities, not being used up, chewed up and spat out, all for the sake of the $$$. You of all people know that the universe always provides.
Get some sleep lovely xx
I can’t wait to read part 2 of this tale, it’s almost like waiting for the next installment of a favourite book or tv show! I wanted to cry when I read the comment “…peddle New Age crap to soccer moms and trailer trash”. I’ve only stumbled across your blog in the past few months but there is something very reassuring and comforting about what you write – even if there are times when its not necessarily that relevant to my life, it just provides a warmth that you don’t find a lot on the internet (or in “real life”!) But there have been many times when your posts have been SPOT ON with what I’m feeling – it’s uncanny. I find your meditation sessions really easy to follow too – so for all us readers please don’t give this up! On another note I can totally relate to the torn feeling between guaranteed money/security and pursuing your passion and purpose. I recently made changes in my own life to move away from the pressures of the corporate world and I haven’t regretted my decision for a moment, however there have been a few moments worry about money that can be scary. I just trust that something that feels so right can’t be wrong, and no amount of money could compensate for the miserable state I was in a few months ago. Will be reading again tomorrow 🙂
Many people find it so hard to trust themselves and what they think and feel always wanting someone else’s approval even I have been guilty of this
I love the stories you share and look forward to reading your blog every day. Look after yourself, money isn’t everything, but you already know that 🙂
Looking forward to part two!
Nicole, you are a people person, you work to bring out the best in people, a project where you have to drive yourself and drive others to achieve impossible deadlines does not bring out the best in people. It burns them out, aside from any health issues that might impact, chews them up and spits them out. No early morning swims at the beach, no sunrises over the farm and the beach for 3 years – ouch ouch. NO amount of biscuits can give you what you have or give to other people. You work with people who want to make changes and grow. If it was one year maybe get some biscuits to build and do what you and Ben want. On second thoughts you are on that journey anyway – and money just can’t buy a lot of what you have. Hugs and love going you way xxxooo
After all you’ve been through with lyme disease Nicole, you’ve got to put your health and wellbeing first. Why risk your now happy and fulfilled life for buckets of money and perceived acceptance from others. Be happy with your loved ones in the world you have created.
What do you mean? You haven’t made a big enough difference…you have effing changed my life! I’ve told you this before…your page is the first thing I open once the kettle is on..it’s like a BIG hug that is especially nurturing to me as I’m on my own. You make me feel loved, cherished and that you sincerely care about my well being and life..and I know you do. BIG hugs to that adorable & wise hubbie of yours as well…XO
Thank you nicole for your work I forward you things to my son who is a list soul living in the streets. Yes u make a difference.. Love. Julie
Sent from my iPhone
Hang in there Nicole – it sounds like you have found your answer – we all have times where we have to do an audit and reckoning of where our life is at and it seems like you have had a relatively positive one and it has helped you firm your direction and resolve. I am doing a bit of an audit myself and I use your blog as daily inspiration for reflection on my life – just saying – you are invaluable to me !!!
Much Love and Cheers Sue Girl
Brilliant! Trusting Self and not what Others think, or what we think they think! Looking forward to Part Two xo