“A sister is a gift to the heart, a friend to the spirit, a golden thread to the meaning of life.”
~ Isadora James
These past few days have been hard. It’s been one thing after another. Then there’s the pain. It’s unrelenting. Drugs have helped take the edge off but it’s ground me down. The pain, and the worry.
Sleep is eluding me. I’m so tired but I’m wired too. I can’t get comfortable. My body throbs and hums and stabs and aches. Late at night my head gets crowded with the wrong kinds of thoughts.
I’m trying to keep a positive outlook. After thirty years of poor health I’ve become an expert at downplaying everything. At diverting attention away from myself. At convincing others that it’s all good. Especially when it’s not.
If Ben asks me, I tell him I’m fine. Just a bit sore and tired. We smile at each other and hug a lot. Sometimes we catch each other’s eye and shake our heads because… fuck… we can’t seem to take a trick. So much stuff seems to have been going wrong all at once, after it had all been going so right. But that’s life sometimes, hey?
I’m okay, I tell my mum. I tell Dad the same.
I tell my sister I am a little worried, but okay.
Okay. Okay. Okay.
And I am. Honestly.
Yesterday I met a group of dear friends for a birthday lunch. We celebrated, and ate gorgeous food, and laughed and talked about all manner of interesting things.
I’d thought I’d gotten away with it. Not talking about myself.
But after our meal had been cleared away and all the presents opened, the birthday girl leaned across the table and fixed her steady eyes on me.
“So, Nic,” she said. “What’s going on with you? With your health? We’re your friends. We need to know.”
I couldn’t keep the stupid tears from overflowing my eyes. And I told them. I told them everything. Not just the facts, but the fears too.
My dear friends listened as I gave up all my pain and terror. They hugged me and patted my arms and held my hands and passed me tissues.
Then we traded stories. We held space for each other and the messiness and uncertainties of life. We worried for each other, and we cared.
Afterwards I felt so much better. So much lighter.
I hadn’t realised what a burden it was to be lugging all of that around on my own.
It’s true, you know. I’m okay and I’ll be okay. I really mean it.
Besides, something beautiful happened yesterday.
I was lifted up by angels.
Feeling blessed to have such wonderful friends in my life. <3 xoxo
I’m so glad the birthday girl took the time to ask that much-needed question. When someone says, “Good thanks” or “I’m fine” and we feel they are not being completely truthful, maybe we need to get a little nosier in order to let them unload a little.xx
Hi Nicole, I understand completely. I have been suffering something for 18 months. Finally found a doctor who wants to get to the bottom of things. So more tests, more hospital visits etc…. and I,like you say the same thing…I’m fine. Sometimes I am so tired I just want to crawl into bed and stay there till it all passes but it’s not that easy. We must soldier on. I have learnt to take a step back but it’s hard when you are not used to doing it.Unfortunately I no longer have a group of girls to call on but I do have your blog and meditations, the universe and my cat 🙂 Things will get better….one step at at a time.
Love and Hugs
Wendy xx
If only I could help in any way and make it better, I certainly would. Love and big hugs. I know what you’re dealing with. I understand.
Dearest Nicole,
Can’t say I understand it all, can’t say I don’t get it at all. Midway perhaps.. Hope we could do something to make it better. But all we have is what our hearts can offer, pure and in abundance. And I hope someday that can make it a tad easier for you..lots of love,lots of prayers… You ll get through…..
Ahh bless …thoes are the friends you need 👏
Cherryx
My 2am meditation session was one of your old healing ones so I directed it to you. Just know when you are awake and not sleeping, people all roud the world are sending thoughts and prayers your way. You touch so many lives. Keep the faith. Love Mary.xxx ps my pendulum still doesn’t swing but I think Belthus actually managed to get a colour through. Progress indeed
Everything is easier when it’s shared. Keeping good thoughts for you.
🙁 hugs hugs hugs
One of the best kinds of healing – you give us this sisterhood too Nicole – thanks.
Lovely to hear. I hope your pain lessens off. I’d love to say more, but it all sounds a bit lame. Just sending love and hugs xxxx