What if it didn’t matter?

“There’s a world of difference between truth and facts. Facts can obscure truth.” 
~ Maya Angelou

I need to give you an update about my memoir. For those of you who’ve been following my blog for a while you’ll know that you encouraged me to turn some of my posts about my time in the Kimberley with my Aboriginal Aunties into a book.

And I did.

A manuscript, anyway.

I shared the completed draft with members of my writing group. The feedback was good. I tweaked it and got it ready to send to an agent. I was feeling pretty positive about it. But my writing group aren’t intuitives or empaths or ‘that way inclined’. I love them but they’re not my tribe.

A friend from our Cauldrons and Cupcakes community also read the draft. She sent me an email that went something like this: ‘I stayed up all night reading it [great, I think, that’s a good sign] and every time you mentioned your psychic experiences you just touched on them briefly and then went on to the next thing. FOR THE ENTIRE BOOK! I want to know how you felt. I want to know how it changed you. I want to know what was really happening. That’s the book I need to read. You can do better.’

Ouch.

I knew she was right.

I rewrote it. And then rewrote it again. Each time I redrafted it I got a little braver, a little more vulnerable, a little more honest.

My writer friends told me I’d gone too far. I wasn’t sure if I’d gone far enough. It was still relatively safe content though, so I was pretty sure it was ready. Before I sent it to an agent I gave it to a couple of people who are mentioned in the book. ‘It’s good,’ they said, ‘but can you take me out? Also I don’t like this bit, even though it’s true. If you print this I’ll take legal action’.

By this time I was thoroughly bummed. It all seemed too hard. I put the project down and walked away from it.

Still, you kept asking me when it would be done. You kept sending encouraging notes and emails. And I knew I had to try again. I just didn’t know how.

Finally Ben asked me what was holding me up. ‘I don’t know,’ I told him.

‘Yes, you do,’ he said. ‘You’re worried about what other people will think. That’s dumb, Nic. Just tell your story. YOUR story. The one only you can tell. What does it matter anyway? You already have people who don’t believe in you and what you do, but you also have people who are waiting for this book. Write it anyway. The story that needs to be told, not the sanitised version.’

It makes me feel sick to my stomach, but I know that he is right. I don’t need all the bits about other people and interesting or funny stories to entertain the reader. They’re simply diversions from what was really happening.

But what will people think if I tell them what was really happening? If I don’t share it, I stay safe. I can keep pretending. I can avoid controversy, judgement, ridicule.

Yesterday Ben said to me, ‘What if it didn’t matter what other people thought? What if it didn’t matter? Then would you write your book?’

‘In a heartbeat,’ I responded, the words out of my mouth before I’d even thought about them.

So, today I’m starting on my ninth and final draft. Not the facts. That was my first draft, and my second, and my third…

This time I’m going to tell the truth, because that’s a whole other story.

Wish me courage.

I still feel sick about it, but it’s time.

All my love, Nicole ❤ xx

37 thoughts on “What if it didn’t matter?

  1. Best of luck Nicole. In different ways, I understand that agony you are in and I wish you well on your path through it. One word at a time!! Love Simone

  2. Thank you Nicole 💖💖 it can feel so difficult getting to that place of ‘truth telling’ as if it’s a secret language we’ve never learned… or even knew it existed.

    But sooooo critical for a ‘successful’ author… for our self and our journey to fullness.

    Thank you for reminding me. Feels like I’ve been seeking this illusive language for years and never finding it. ‘Finding your true voice’… the treasure we seek.

    Lotsa love to you 💚💚

  3. Your husband is a very smart man…..We love you Nicole and we want to hear YOUR story! I am so excited…you have got this! Sending you lots of love.

  4. I believe in you Nicole. You have changed my life in so many ways that I never thought possible and it was all because of you being your wonderful self. I know I haven’t heard all of your stories but i have heard a few and those were truly inspiring and magical. It is scary getting your truth out there to the big wide world, not knowing how people are going to take it. I know its not much but I have your back and can’t wait to read your book. Lots of love, hugs and courage to you, you wonderful person. xxxxx

  5. You’re being brave where others won’t. Speaking out where others are afraid. Have we not been talking about being ourselves? Sending you much love!!

  6. Woohoo…you go girlfriend, let those words flow and ebb….can’t wait to be at the book launch at ‘The Bookroom’…and high five to Ben! and the biggest of biggest hugs to YOU…XOXO

  7. I am grateful you have been challenged over this manuscript, Nicole, because it will be a much better story. You know you’re being led in the right direction, so just keep on trusting. ❤️ to you, and Ben, (he’s the best cheer leader you could have) 😊 xxx

  8. GOOD LUCK!! And courage. When you need a break hop on Netflix and watch “Cal to Courage” by Brene Brown. I think it will help a lot. Choose courage over comfort. I can’t wait to read your book xx

  9. Dear Nicole,
    Ben is solid gold. You’re now writing the story that no one else can.
    It’ll be a very important book too, I feel that.
    Kate xxx

  10. Wow wow…this post gave me goosebumps..,I’m ready for pre order when the book is ready….I want to know how you felt Nicole..jus do it dear…as your tribe I’m cheering out loud & loyal !

  11. You truly are quite an amazing soul! Your story needs to be told. I absolutely love reading your posts, particularly the stories about your aboriginal aunties and other psychic ones. There is something about them that is just so deep and astounding and they strike a chord every time I come across them.
    Good luck with your final draft and finishing it to perfection. Let your truth be told xxx
    Much love xxx

  12. First, pass on a high-dive from me to your husband – because he’s absolutely right. Go write your story (all of it) because I can’t wait to read it when it’s done. I’m rooting for you and your book.

  13. Sending you lots of Support Nicole. Your courage is a light to us all and I look forward to reading your beautiful book! x

  14. Great Nicole. Write the truth of your story how it is. You will always be safe amongst the circle of friends around you.. I can’t wait to read it. Elle

  15. Yay Ben!!!!! Nicole – I’m so happy for you. You are a courageous woman and I know you’ve got this. I am so looking forward to buying your book and reading it from cover to cover. It’s a book that we need. It needs to be in the universe. People are becoming more and more open to these things. When they read your book, they will KNOW they’re not alone! Being authentic is something you live and breathe and you write in your blog. I know you can do this in book form. You are awesome on legs. Write, write, write you truth! Sending so much love your way. Can’t wait to see you in August. xoxoxoxo

  16. You can write that book. It will be amazing. Let go of FEAR. You tell us that all the time.
    courage my friend and carry on. I for one can’t wait to read your book

  17. Honestly, when you share even more of yourself and your life with us in the retreat space, it sets my soul free. It makes who I am okay. It makes you a brave, wise, multidimensional, warrior. It opens a whole new world. There are souls walking this earth who need that next level remembering in their bones. Please, yes. Write your truth for all of us. We are waiting for you. We are ready 💜

  18. Just Do It!
    Be authentic!
    The cost of not completing your book feels heavy. When I think of you writing a vulnerable, truthful, “Nicole” book, I feel light.

    Kind regards, friend in USA,

    Cynthia

  19. Nicole, I soooooooooo very deeply understand.

    Thank you for being one of the ones who told me I could do better after my first draft, my manuscript in 2015.

    I’ve been working on my clarity to get restarted this month. It’s past time.

    I can’t wait to read yours!

    Much love….Ura

  20. OMG Nicole, I can’t wait to read the printed book! It will be great because it will be about you! You are going to open so many more doors for so many more People with it! It is all about those People. As for the others who will not understand, they are already here and they already don’t get it and it’s fine also. Thank you so much in advance! Cécile

  21. Much Love to you both – I do have a request(?) – when the book is published, will it have a audible version available for purchase as well(?) – also, I have heard you counsel others – your own words are “do not worry about what others think – you have no control on that(!)…”…… love ya

  22. Good luck Nicole. Wishing you much bravery and courage. Ben give sage advice.

    It’s funny because you’ve written on here brilliantly about your outback adventures. It was the best writing I’ve seen you do. I wonder why the style needs to be any different. Your audience is the same. Please keep writing with your voice, try and their that fear away. Stop doubting yourself, we love you and your story.

  23. Nicole, I can’t wait to read your book – the truth of what happened and how it transformed you. Just do it! xxxxxx

  24. I hope we get to read snippets of your book here, I loved reading about it a few years ago but then you just stopped and we didnt get any more snippets. I found it riveting. A really magical story.

    • A friend of mine who is a published author warned me about that. Publishers will only allow 10% of a new book to have been previously published in another form. So if I share any more I will break that rule. Sorry! I hope you understand. And I promise this new version will have plenty of new magic in it for you 💕

  25. You already are one of the most courageous people I know. I cannot wait to read your story my dear. Keep going! Your courage encourages me!!

  26. Dear Nicole ~ what would you say to a dear friend if it was her writing this memoir instead of you? You would tell her to be authentic … true to herself & to write from the heart and to get on with it. You are all about authenticity and bless you for that. Your hubby is a very wise soul indeed. Your book will be a blessing. Don’t doubt yourself. Just do it! The people you’re really writing it for, will thoroughly enjoy it & take whatever wisdom they need from it. No matter the book, there are always some who don’t like it. That’s okay. It’s not their story. It’s yours. The Native Americans say that everyone has at least one story in them. This is yours. You are worth it. Blessed be xx

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