“One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am – a reluctant enthusiast….a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.”
~ Edward Abbey
*Note: I recommend reading all the way to the end of this post. Past the pictures even. Oh yes, I do.
People are always asking how I am and I almost always say ‘fine, thanks’.
Truth is, I have advanced late-stage Lyme disease, and as with any chronic degenerative illness I have a catalogue of woes so to actually tell you how I am might take hours. Boring. I’m over it long ago. So ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ mostly does the job. I manage. Many days are great, and I am working, living and making the most of what I can. Happy, happy. I don’t dwell on my health or lack thereof.
Mostly.
I’ll level with you, though. The last few days have been rough.
I’m miserable right now.
I picked up a cough while visiting Ben’s mum in the nursing home. After four weeks it has steadily become worse and I can’t shake it. Because of that, my UTI flared up. I’ve been peeing five times a night and my bladder is agonisingly sore. I have been feeling myself slowing getting more run down no matter how good my self-care and health care has been.
So I started on new Chinese herbs two days ago for my latest infections. Great news – they’re working! Less great news? They are also killing Lyme Bugs so I am herxing like crazy as the Lyme dies and releases toxins into my already overloaded body. My eyes are red and streaming and only one is working, only one side of my face is mobile and responsive, my skin is on fire, I’m photophobic, I have stabby pains and night sweats and swollen glands and bone aches and head aches and nerve spasms and tender teeth and numb fingers and toes and neurological incontinence (I wee my pants for no reason!) and generally more misery than I remembered was possible. Yay? But fighting bugs, so yay!!!!! Now we’re working on getting the dosage correct so that I can manage the chest and UTI infections without going mad from herxing. Please don’t worry. I’m in good hands. (And yes, I have cried, screamed and whimpered often this past few days because I’d forgotten how truly awful herxing can be.)
I’m smiling here, honest! It’s just that only one side of my mouth lifts up right now…
In the midst of all of this misery I needed to go open a gate at the farm for Ben. I got out of bed, left my pyjama top on, threw on some shorts and my gumboots and slogged down to the Tractor Shed paddock.
Oh. It was so beautiful there in the misty cold afternoon. The ground was soft and green and lush. The trees shone with a vibrant light, and the birds sang. It felt good to be out of bed and outdoors.
When my short adventure was over I hastened back to a hot shower, fresh pyjamas and more rest.
It was worth it to have that little gumboot adventure.
I’m wishing you little adventures too. No matter how shitty life gets, a little tiny adventure, a small moment fully lived, a simple pleasure fully and mindfully experienced – that’s what makes it all more manageable. I rate my coping skills as high. And that’s one of the reasons why!
Biggest love and hugs from this tired and battered Lyme Warrior. I’ll be back at my best soon, I’m sure. Meanwhile, I’m happy to be herxy. (Well, mostly! xx)
PSS – Thanks if you scrolled down this far. Just a reminder that I am massively sleep deprived and in pain right now. So if you:
- suggest that positive thinking might be beneficial or a cure-all,
- offer to hook me up with your miracle-inducing network marketing product, or
- remind me that I somehow manifested all of this as a learning experience,
- or that this is karmic
then I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Need more help with this because you’re itching to do one of the above? Read this first.
sending love Nicole and hoping and praying you feel much better soon. Thank you for all your posts, you are an inspiration x x
I will include you in my daily healing light prayers, along with others I know who are battling cancer and other health hardships. ❤️
Sending you gum boots & more gum boots filled with get well wishes! Hope you’re feelin’ better real soon.
Hugs to you ❤️
You are so amazing
Dearest Nicole,
A big hug to you for getting through such difficult situations for the umpteenth time; still riding one such as we speak. Happened to read the linked blog for the first time, and it was heartbreaking , the experiences truly dreadful that some have to go through. Waiting for you to catch a glimpse of the rainbow you mentioned once you have ridden this storm. My heart goes out to the ones whom life has really challenged .
Lots of love, prayers and wishes
Oh you special special person, Im so sorry everything is so hard right now. sendingyou so much love and light and healing. thank you for continuing to post and share your special self with us. you are inspirational indeed.
Nicole. Sending you so much love and giant hugs. My daughter also has chronic Lyme. My heart breaks for both of you because I know how hard you fight, and how much you suffer. I can’t even breathe right now because I hate that no matter what we all do it seems to come back and rear it’s ugly head. I hate that you are in pain. You – and she- are amazing humans who uplift others in spite of the crap you are going through. I am praying for respite and healing and peace for both of you and all those who suffer from chronic illness. It seems to be flaring right now no matter what hemisphere you live in. I don’t know why this is happening, but I’m sending you all Love and Light. Feel better soon! Xoxoxo
Off to light my three candles for you, Nicole. Keeping you in my heart and thoughts… always. xox
Thanks for telling us how you really are. You are an inspiration Nicole. May you be well and free from suffering.
Hello Dear Nicole ~ thank you for writing about your health issues ~ your courage in the face of such extreme pain & body upheaval makes me want to salute you! I think you under-estimate how much inspiration you give to others thru you wonderful blogs. I too wish I could hug you … I am but can only do so etherically but I hope you somehow feel it. I am praying for you ~ it’s all I can do from this distance. I wish I could give practical help by popping by with a mac & cheese or freshly baked loaf of bread & home-made jam but sadly I can’t. However, do you have a network of people you can call on when you have a health crisis such as this? I don’t mean just friends who do this kind of thing with unconditional love & no hesitation but maybe it’s worth forming a network for such purposes, so if one of the “team” is down, others chip in to help in practical ways ~ one wouldn’t need to be friends as such to be on the team, just concerned community members. There are so many folk in every community who suffer with immune disorders & chronic illnesses which flare up acutely at times. Wishing you well and soon. Sending so much love to you. Thank you always for your love & wisdom expressed thru your blogs. Blessings, Sue xx
Lots of love and hugs coming your way. Thank you for sharing all that you’re willing and able to share. Beautiful pictures, especially the one of you. Makes me want to reach thru the camera and give you a big hug. I’m grateful you’re in good hands and surrounded by all the beauty of the land and animals and creatures around you. Keep up the fight sister warrior!
Hahaha. I’m a Lymie too and I love your PPS.
Sending you love, my darling Nicole. xoxoxo. You are a warrior!
Sending gentle hugs and warm wishes for more gumboot adventures.
Just one big huge hug to you. Sending you love and light😘♥️🌈🌟