How Controversial Should I Be?

“But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.” 
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I was working with a client a few days ago, and the topic rolled around to suicide.

She had been suicidal once, at a truly difficult time in her life. With therapy and support her life has now moved beyond the worst of the pain and back to a place of balance. But there is no-one to talk with about what happened, she said, now that she no longer pays a therapist to listen. And she worries people will think she is still in that space if she tries to talk about it with friends or family.

‘I understand,’ I said to her.

‘How could you?’ she answered crossly. ‘Only people who’ve been there understand. I mean REALLY understand.’

‘I can feel into your body, and step inside you where you met that pain head-on. So yes, I can understand it from inside you – as a psychic,’ I said, ‘but I also understand. Me. I understand.’ I said those last words more slowly this time, weighting each one.

‘No way,’ she said. ‘You? I don’t believe it.’ She looked genuinely shocked.

‘It’s true.’ I looked her in the eye. ‘I have stood in that place twice, and both times it was unexpected. Each place was a different planet I hope never to go back to. Both times I found a solution that ultimately kept me here. And you’re right. No-one ever talks about this stuff.’

We were out of time, and this was about me now, not about her.

‘Maybe you could blog about it,’ she said to me as we finished up. ‘I would have found that useful, to have known someone like you could have had feelings like me. I mean, I was so f*cked up and broken and ashamed…’ She paused. ‘To have read that, to read that now, would still be helpful. So, could you?’

What do you think, dear Tribe? I’ve written about being psychic and being incontinent and all other manner of personal over-sharing. Should I break this taboo too?

I’ll be guided by you.

Much love, Nicole xx

39 thoughts on “How Controversial Should I Be?

  1. Absolutely you should! Taboos need to be broken and if everyone’s experience is aired and spoken about, it can be done; especially when you have a voice and a following such as you do Nicole. And, from someone who has also been in that suicidal dark place more times than she cares to remember, please, do it; do it for those of us who have yet to find their voice so that we can learn and gain strength from you. xx

  2. Nic I wholeheartedly say yes. I think you should. Perhaps invite others to comment too so you’re not sharing that burden alone. A lot of us are so very good at projecting an unbreakable front to the world while we’re dying inside. It’s amazing the dam walls that break when I’ve told people about dark places I’ve been too. If anything, now is a time we need to be shedding light on the fact that life is often too fast for us to cope. And this is a new normal. Not the only normal but certainly one many struggle with.

  3. Hey Nicole – please do write about this, if you feel comfortable enough doing so. As you know, given my family’s story, it’s a topic im seeking to understand further. I have also tried to psychically feel into those feelings that my family member had, but im not sure how accurately I was able to tap into them.

  4. What a beautiful post – deeply personal without distracting from the experiences of others – I can’t know where this thread will take you or others as it trickles down into deeper understandings – so am not going to suggest anything – simply sit with the picture you have painted and the sense we all breath a little easier for it.

  5. I believe you should share what you are comfortable sharing. These taboos need to be broken so we can have open and safe discussions. There’s no other way to learn how to discuss them than just doing so. It’s also the hardest to be among those that are talking about them when it isn’t done regularly. You have created a safe space for many people and we will all support you in your decision.

  6. Lift the veil, Nicole. I’ve been there too. It’s useful to bring taboos out into the open. Nothing should be off limits. And I know you’ll write about it with care and thoughtfulness Sending love and hope you’re feeling better than you have been lately. xoxoxo

  7. My twin brother took his own life and left this existence …… I feel that pain constantly, much love to anyone reading this post

  8. I would love for you to break the taboo. I’ve lost my brother to suicide. Almost lost my mother & myself. 4 days ago I got a call that my dad committed suicide, thankfully that turned out to be the wrong cause of death, but he was contemplating it.
    So YES, please!

  9. Yes, Nicole.An absolute yes.This is a subject that so needs to be brought out into the light.It has been hidden for far too long.And, what better person than you to open the doors , to start a much, much needed conversation.

  10. Only you know if you need to revisit that part of your past again. If you are thinking by you writing about your experience, it will assist multiple others to heal, well then, be the Healer that you are. Sometimes tho, put your needs first Nicole.
    Carolyn

  11. I think you should. I have never traveled that path, or really known of anyone who has, so I don’t really understand what it is like to be in that space. I think it would be helpful to bring awareness so that if someone needs to talk, others, like myself, can better understand and listen and help guide to professional help (to be a stepping stone as it were).
    Perhaps things to say and do for a person needing help, and some things Not to say and do as well. I’m sure there are many who mean well in their actions, but to a suffering person, could be useless or painful.
    Thanks for bringing all the taboo subjects to light.
    I hope you’re feeling better too xx

  12. Yes do talk about being sucidal. I have been at that point and once I even ran away trying to escape the pain…

  13. I think you should if you feel drawn to do it Nicole. I’ve been in that dark place many times, not wanting to be here but never actually attempting suicide. It helps to know others’ experience. We’re all in this together and it’s in that dark place where we feel so isolated and unconnected…any light on the subject has to be liberating.

  14. It’s your personal experience Nicole…you be your judge & decide if you want to share with the world..,as reader I’m all ears to listen whatever you will say..,,namaste 🙏

  15. Yes please. I haven’t struggled with that but I know people who have and also people who have lost loved ones to suicide. It would be great to have some more understanding.

  16. Hi Nicole, I answer this from a perspective as both a sufferer and a teacher of mental health subject to new nurses (still learning). one of the big topics I focus on is breaking the stigma associated with mental health including suicide. The more we talk about it and treat it as “normal” health conditions the better off we will all be. We are starting slowly to change and acknowledge this area of health, particularly for our young ones. Acknowledging it exists is a start. One of the big areas that is not touched upon, is suicide and suicidal thoughts amongst older people. I could go on and on about this topic, particularly given recent events in Melbourne and how it was reported. I have become accidentally passionate about it.
    Your input, with its wide audience is a great bonus. So what if it makes people uncomfortable, it’s a real health issue that needs to be addressed. Go for it.

  17. If you can bring yourself to the place where it is okay for you…. yes please. There are so many people out there that think no one understands.I know we are talking more about it, but often from the “should” or “shouldn’t” view. When people who have been there talk from the “this is where I was, and this was my own path out (or through)” it helps. Each person will relate to their own story, and the more stories we have, the more likely those in the throes of it will be helped. It also helps those who have never been there to get a glimpse of the reality.

  18. Nicole, PLEASE do write a blog about suicide. It will be so much appreciated.
    Your personal insight and those who willing to share their experiences would help.

    People don’t know what to do, say or how to handle this.
    Many avoid you as if you’re a skunk about to ‘let go’ .
    Suicidal tendencies DRAINS everyone’s energy like a manhole with no end.

    Not everyone can afford professional help.
    Some can’t grasp self-help therapy written on the internet.
    Many are on their own.
    Sometimes, reaching out only to discover friends/family members aren’t there.

    Nicole, your blog is warm, sincere, honest, down to earth. You say it like it is. Sometimes you a like a loving mother/aunt – giving a gentle smack-down at the back of our heads to
    alert us to ‘change the channel on what you focus!”
    You are compassionate. You feel like family. REAL family.
    You write about REAL Living life.

    This is a heavy (and scary) subject and it has far fetching consequences.
    For certain, what you share might turn the tide for somebody somewhere around the world in any moment in time.

    It might be THE slight tangent, THE light bulb “aha” moment- to get a person to decide to give one more try to crawl out or end it all.

    Thank you and sending you millions of hugs.
    Evelyn

  19. Only if you feel good about it. And if you think you can cope with the echo – I´m thinking of last week when you wrote about your health and the well-meant responding email of this woman.

  20. I’ve stood in that place a couple of times too. People are surprised to hear it. It’s a more sensitive topic than the others but if people who are in a bad place can alter their course of action by reading how someone else walked away from the edge, then it is worth sharing.
    Let’s face it, haters always gonna hate regardless.

  21. I would say yes, but only if you feel comfortable and safe to do so. I know that your words help hundreds of people but it’s also your story and your life so it must feel right to you. I am very interested in what is causing what seems like a tidal wave of depression, anxiety and suicide. An interesting link for you Nicole especially, is that it is Reconciliation week in Australia this week, and I was watching The Drum on ABC Tv, and an Aboriginal man was taking openly about his experience of living with being suicidal for much of his life. It was enlightening to hear him talk so freely about it and I think it did help take the stigma out of it… I couldn’t help think of you and your connection to your Aboriginal Aunties… you bringing up this subject today… it being such an issue for indigenous people… are the planets aligning???

  22. I can relate to what your client has said – about having no one to talk to about suicidal feelings once one has gone through them – and so I echo her sentiments.
    I wish I had known someone who *would* talk about ‘the being within from the vantage point of being without.’ I think it’s helpful to know that one can get through that darkness without being consumed by it – though it does seem to be a rather taboo subject. But as someone else said, taboos are only the emotionally powerful subjects that no one really talks about out loud in general public, and if we did, those subjects would cease to be so powerful.

  23. Hello Nicole ~ I think it will be extremely beneficial to many folk and probably, cathartic for yourself. I truly admire your courage in knocking down walls that society has erected as a thin form of protection against the truth. It is said that the truth hurts but after the pain of truth, comes healing. I think loosening such a scab as this will bring deep healing. My daughter was strongly suicidal at one point in her life (well, on two occasions actually) and I think therefore, that your disclosure will help many to get closure. Not just those who experienced feeling suicidal but also those who walked that journey with them from the dark to the light. Bless you for being the taboo terminator 🙂 Love & Light to you and prayers for your healing xx Sue

  24. Go for it nic. It’s an important topic. It’s good for people to know u can get through it and know they are not alone. Cheers Robyn xxx

  25. Dear Nicole, I have lost 3 Dear Friends in my little life to suicide. All young women who were brilliant, talented, and kind. Yes, reach out, you never know who you might touch. Love, Susan

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