The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.
Robert Frost
Hey, Lovelies.
I got an interesting message yesterday from a fellow entrepreneur, which I am sure was well intentioned.
I’ll pop it here for you:
HI Nicole, how are things? You know I love you and your work right? Just wanted to let you know that your looking tired and old all of a sudden. Here are a few suggestions that might help you look and feel better. A tint to cover up your greys. A salon color would be best but I guess you could use box dye. Spray tan will give your skin a healthy glow. Once again, salon best but you could use a cream or spray at home. Using Preparation H and concealer will help with eye bags. And consider getting a little botox for your forehead crease. We are how people judge us! Keep smashing it! Lots of love, K
We are how people judge us, right?
Actually, no. I am not how people judge me. And you are not how people judge you! Someone else’s opinion is not who you are.
Who am I? I am my values. I am my actions. I am my body, my mind and my soul. I am who I am when no-one is looking. I am who I am when I am on my own. I am the same person who looks in the mirror and who also turns up to work with you. What you see is what you get. I am over fifty now. I suffer from chronic illness. I am aging. And yes, right now, I am tired. Why? I am busier than I have ever been, supporting my community – many of whom are in crisis. I’m putting in big days. I’m sometimes up half the night. I’m looking after myself but even so, sometimes I look how I feel. Tired. It has been a war-zone for many, and I have been shoulder-to-shoulder with them. It has been unrelenting for me and my team, and I don’t expect that to change any time soon. As I age I have found that I worry less about how I look, and instead I think more about turning up for you, about creating resources to help you cope, and about leading and guiding my community well.
I don’t mind that I no longer look twenty. I am glad to be the age I am, and grateful for the privilege of becoming older. With age has come experience, and hard-won wisdom. Life has left her mark on me. I’m good with that.
At the end of the day all I really care about is that I am a good person, that I treat others well, live by my values, and that I might make a positive difference through my work.
If you choose to dye your hair, or use Botox, or do anything at all to make yourself look or feel younger, I support you in that. I hope you do it because it makes you happy and not because you think you will be judged badly if you don’t.
I’m happy to look my age. I am not afraid of aging – it is not a disease, it is not disempowering, it is not some kind of shameful affliction. I just don’t understand this cult of youth. Why do I need to look young in order to be marketable or taken seriously? I would hope that if you are coming to me for guidance and advice that my age and experience will count for something. The older I get, the more experienced I am at what I do. I have thousands and thousands of hours of experience. That is not time wasted. And yes, that time shows in my crows feet and grey hairs and my laugh lines.
If I judged myself purely on looking young, I could not help but be disappointed with myself as I aged. I could not help but be left unsatisfied. I would be forever scrabbling to spray tan myself, or Botox myself, or whatever else could perhaps delay the inevitable. I would never be able to feel comfortable in my skin, to truly love and accept myself, or to have the energy and focus to direct my internal resources toward more worthy goals.
So, thanks, K, for your suggestions, but I’m fine just the way I am.
Love, laughter, wrinkles and grey hairs, Nicole xx
I have always admired & respected beautiful Nicole’s wisdom, her gifts, her intuition, and more, and yes, her beautiful sensual appearance; & to be fair and honest, after following her journey and her battle with her health, I didn’t even notice the difference in her appearance had it not been for the response to the absurd note somebody called “K” wrote to her. I pity the autocratic mentality which is based in derivative cruelty and shallowness.
The problem of pointing out something which is a natural progression of who we are, our experience, our time in this world. We are human animals, we are not immortal, and I wonder if K has had this dawn upon her yet?
Nicole has always been and appeared to myself as a very beautiful and sensual woman, Inside & Out.
The intrinsic is what matters the most, not these ridiculous silly comments designed to upset and hurt others, and obviously projected onto a beautiful woman so the writer of this toxic note can feel better about herself? Not acceptable.
Nicole you are a beautiful woman with a beautiful heart.
I will be honest, I will reiterate, till you responded & outed this ridiculous letter, and this fools comments, I hadn’t even noticed the slight changes in your appearance, and even if they had been drastic etc, why make these ridiculous shallow hurtful comments?
Please ignore this cruel obstinate stupidity, sadly which too many in society insidiously put out and project onto other people as if we have to fit some kind of template to be acceptable.
Reality is different for everybody, as are our values, likes, tastes, and concepts of beauty.
I myself value honesty, decency, goodness, kindness, integrity, empathy and yes beauty, beauty of the heart and soul, and if you’re lucky enough like Nicole to be gifted and physically sensuous and beautiful as well as possessing all of the above qualities, then in my consciousness, well you’ve got it all.
I hope your pain is manageable Nicole, and you are feeling good and better, and hopefully things will improve and that you heal.
I am sorry to hear such cruel silly words were authored by a vacuous person who tries to imply are well meaning.
It is her problem, not yours.
Nicole you are Beautiful, sincerely.
Love
Cate xooxoxo
Oh! The prisons humans put themselves gladly and voluntarily in 😉 The mirror is a one of them, the looks of fellow people, the marketing pressure to be female.. I hope K. is gentle with herself. And Nicole: Of course, you are fabulous in and out, I feel a little silly writing it for that is like writing the earth is round 😉
Dearest Nicole,
A person is a sum of their actions, thoughts and the respective intentions behind both. Dunno if anything can be added to this statement , but at 35 thats what life has conveyed to me so far. I got plenty of grey and a fair share of health breakdowns. But dear , if I can reach your age and be successful at accomplishing my well placed intentions into actions; looking like the angel that you are – I’d consider my life to have been so kind to me. Its not been easy for you, but the sheer determination you show to make another’s life better ; that is what makes me salute you, love you more.
You carry on being you, we all look up to you with admiration. We have so much to learn; Life will teach us gradually.
Lots of Love, Prayers and Hugs;
K ….I hope you read all of the above and are ashamed of your so called “care”. I wouldn’t want to be anywhere near you . Nic – you rock in every way possible . Beautiful inside and out .
Ah yes. The most fun and thoughtful advice – unsolicited! How sad for K that they think a facade is more important than content. Never understood the plastic fantastic – they look so fake and to be hung up on not having hard won “battle scars”. Naturally aging is a thing to be proud of. And yes, if you want to change how you look – your choice. You do you!
I like your response, Nicole. You’re awesome.
It’s funny – I didn’t even get upset about K’s remarks, because quite frankly, I don’t think K is someone I’d be friends with or someone I’d want to know – a little too judge-y judg-y for me – in the wrong way. Not someone with their values in the right place. Not one of my tribe.
How awful for them to go through life thinking a fake facade is so important. The energy they spend chasing a “look” could be used for so many more important things. How sad for them that they buy into a culture that has been created by commercial interests. I wonder if K knows that they are an advertiser’s dream – that they bought into the hype that just by looking as themselves that they are ‘less than’. That they need external products to be accepted. Something external to themselves sets the bar for their acceptance. Poor K obviously doesn’t think much of themselves.
Makes me smile at how K was hoping to tear you down because of their own insecurity. …but you know she “loves you and your work, right?” Oh, K – shut the fuck up and keep your unsolicited, uneducated, un-supportive comments to yourself. You said nothing about Nic in your note – but spoke volumes about your own insecurities.
Love you Nicole. Love you work. Love your honesty.
Am grateful for you.
Love
Jo xoxoxox
You are beautiful. Period. The work you do is SO important, and I am grateful you are doing it. Many, many blessings on you!
You & Botox? Yeah right… & that’d do your body the power of good?!!! Yikes!!
So glad you’ve got a brain & do all that you do to keep yourself as healthy as you can. Selfishly I want you to hang around and be able to ‘do you’ for as
long as possible! Thank you for making my World & this Planet a better one with the beauty, wisdom & grace you bring. Shine on you gorgeous diamond!!! ❤️
Not old just older and wiser and well loved, well that’s what Leo tells me when I say I am getting old……….
For me “Youthing” is not about trying to look 20 again, it’s about moving forward with a lively, flexible body and a youthful enthusiasm for as long as you are interested and excited by life. The body does have a natural capacity to generate and heal itself, and my questions is, what if that’s to do with the happiness and joy you choose in your life? What if it’s to do with being in nature? Contributing to others? Like everything, there’s at least 2 sides to any issue.
I think you are gorgeous and your hair … divine!!
Well meaning helpers are to be pitied. I’ll never forget the one I had who sent me an email to tell me the photo I posted on FB showed I was a lot fluffier than I’d been a few months ago. Followed by how to take better care of myself. I may not be exactly what someone else thinks I should be, but dangnnabbit!!! I lived and learned these last 5 and half decades!! NOTE: I do admit to a slight distress when kids I babysat are grandparents, but time marches on and we shine and reflect.
YOU are one of those who shines and reflects constantly. Bless you for being who you are!
K needs to step away from the shallow end of the pool..
To me you look radiant! As if sunshine is bursting from your eyes and heart! It is amazing what we perceive in others; the same person, same image but completely different realisations…
Every wrinkle is part of our life map, part of our story. I have reumathoid arthritis and I know how difficult it is sometimes to do normal daily tasks at home, let alone worry about minor details… I think you look beautiful, as beautiful as your heart ❤️ Xxx
Nicole You are the epitome of love and kindness. Your light radiates. Love you the way you are xxxx
The freedom to be who you are and the release from the confines of objectification can be a very welcome gift which the aging process brings (if embraced).
Oh this message from K made me angry ! Thank you for blogging about it Nicole, you are truly fabulous.
As a child in the 50s we revered and respected our elderly but these days people seem to want to hang on to youth but sadly they end up looking very ‘wooden’ like caricatures of themselves
Hi Nicole,
I loved your reply to K.
My mother died at the age of 42, when I was 13 years old. Ever since then, I realized that not everyone gets to experience the privilege of getting older. And now, at the age of 40, I agree with you too – I don’t understand the exhaustive chasing of youth, especially knowing that it doesn’t last forever, because it’s not supposed to. Honestly, I’d much rather be youthful in spirit. I’m starting to notice more and more the silvery hairs coming through, and it makes me smile. I’m looking forward to being “the wise crone”.
Although K may have meant well…it’s sad that K can’t see the forest through the trees.
“Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been”. ~Mark Twain
When I see my wrinkles – I say to myself – I have earned my stripes !!
And as you say – that is a privilege.
Nicole, you look lovely your kindness and wisdom shine through your face. Looking young is not always a good thing. I am constantly mistaken for much younger and am often not taken seriously at all.
One of my favorite quotes