If you quit on the process, you are quitting on the result.
Idowu Koyenikan
Hey, Lovelies.
Everyone tells you not to be a quitter.
Everyone.
And that’s fine, if what you are quitting on is actually what you want. Hence the quote at the top of this page: If you quit on the process, you are quitting on the result.
Then there’s this quote: Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.
So, with both of these quotes in mind, I finally quit a group I have been a member of for over fifteen years.
When I was first invited to join the group it made me feel special, because it was a group based around a common interest, and where several of the members already had great success. That I was invited to join spoke to the yearning need in me for acceptance and approval – I felt like an imposter, and suddenly this group made me feel a little more legitimate – like I could be this thing, that I could belong.
It was great at first. Friendships deepened. As trust developed we began to share secrets and shames, and the group was a safe space to discuss anything, even beyond the central reason of why we were together.
But once the honeymoon was over, I saw that I didn’t fit in. The group were embarrassed about the fact that I was openly psychic, unless it was to give them private counsel, or to lend them cachet in certain circumstances that could show how liberal and artsy and bohemian and non-conformist they could be. Each member actively tried to steer me towards a way of being in the world that was more closely aligned to their own. In my insecurity I tried my best, but each change I made to the way I would have instinctively done something had the unfortunate result of making me doubt myself and my abilities even more. I became lost. And then I lost my love for the very thing that the group championed.
But I am loyal. I am not a quitter.
And anyway, I was full of self-doubt.
So, I stuck with it, I stuck with them, I did all I could to follow their processes. Still, at the same time, out in life, I began peeling myself away from the corporate world, and doing my best to live as my truth. Ah, said my friends, you’ll kill your business. Who will respect you? Why are you making this hard for yourself?
I told them I had to follow my path. They kept gently reminding me I was wrong, and that they were only telling me this because they were my friends and they could see I was making A BIG MISTAKE.
Then, one day, I heard that the group had a WhatsApp chat to which I was not invited, and that they often socialised or attended business-related functions without me. I tried to convince myself it was because they were in the city, and I often wasn’t.
I stuck with it. It was awkward, and I often brought up leaving, after which they would all insist that I needed to stay.
On Monday, I had a big meeting with my husband, planning our future, looking at family and health and goals and dreams, looking at how we could support those we love, and the causes dear to us, and still leave enough room in our own lives for each other and our personal projects.
Suddenly, on Monday afternoon, I knew it was time to leave the group. I quit via our email chat. I called each member personally to let them know. I wished them well, because I love them, and I want then to succeed, and I am grateful for our time together. I logged out one last time.
I quit on the process, because I did not need the result anymore. I chose me. And to choose me, I had to quit them.
It felt right, but I also felt shattered afterwards.
I put myself to bed early, completely wrung out. Hollow.
I woke at midnight, with energy and clarity. A problem I had sought to solve via the group, and that had eluded me for over a decade, suddenly laid itself out in front of me as I lay in the dark beside my sleeping husband. I saw where I had gone wrong. I saw how my current approach would never work, which is why I had become so stuck, and how I would need to start over one more time and begin in new energy, my way. I lay there, calm, inspired, clear.
You see, I had to let go, in order to make space for the new.
I had to quit.
I quit on the group, but not on the thing I wanted. That’s still burning bright within me.
I trust that in time I’ll find my way forward again, in right timing.
Sometimes quitting is absolutely the best thing you can do.
Much love, Nicole xx
Yes, I am just now reading this! Better late than never! Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, Nicole! I hope that you still find that you made the right decision! 😊
Oh Nicole, I hear you loud and clear; you could have been writing about me! Like you, I chose to leave the group that was becoming toxic.I missed it at first, but not now. I did the right thing, in following my gut feeling. Thank you for this post X
I can’t remember her name, but the first American woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest didn’t make it the first time. I will never forget her words – It takes courage to climb the mountain, but wisdom to know when to turn around.
Yes, I keep trying to do the corporate job thing and it never seems to work out. My last two jobs, acquisitions and then layoffs that of course no one ever saw coming. This job – acquisition and layoffs that were again a shock (note sarcasm). I was spared this time but nothing seems to be moving forward at the moment. No company meetings, none of the changes that we were told were going to happen. Same thing over and over and the same results. I realize now that I have to save money so I can pursue a different course.
Thank you for this timely blog post. I love how your thoughts and feelings often align with mine. I take great comfort in knowing that we all experience similar situation, thoughts and feelings. Much love to you, Nicole.
Ahh Nicole, so many gems in this post. I love when a piece of writing has an energy which resonates and I can just mull over the words over and over, finding new meaning each time. This is one of those posts.
Sometimes choosing yourself is the very best option. Glad you found your way.
Dear Nicole,
So nice, that you have now more time for yourself!
I can’t wait to read your book ( I hope it was a part of your big meeting with Ben ;-))
Cecile
Good for you!!! It always makes me happy and grateful when someone is willing to stand in their power and be brave enough to put their wishes and needs first 🥰❣️
For someone like me already a square peg …I have certainly taken my time to move on from some groups and old “friends”. My fear is something like, there will be no-one left to like me!!!! Hilarious, right!.
There is me, Margo. I will still like you. You will like yourself. That’s two. In fact, there’s a whole community here for you xx
This is so brilliant, Nicole. All that energy is now freed up to put toward creating even more of the rich, incredible life you want. I feel so much excitement for you. Well done!!
Yes !! Choose you.!!..every time…quit them and choose you !!! I am currently learning this as well…
Thank you , Nicole for this post. It comes at a pivotal point for me..
Finally, I dare to value myself first.✨💘 and it feels right .
Two thoughts:
Now you have left they will be relieved of that discomfort but you will have planted a seed pearl within them, they won’t forget you and your influence and they will find gems in your shared knowings which will chafe but your path with them will shift their mindset when something clicks.
It’s a bit like being the non drinker in a group of friends or colleagues drinking, they can’t leave your sobriety alone because it makes them contemplate an alternative perspective.
Much love and enjoy the new freedom,
Kate
Good on you for calling time of death on a disrespectful, unaccepting group. I know how hard it is to walk away when you’ve invested so much time and energy into something/someone/s – but it’s amazing how free you feel afterward. I can’t imagine anyone asking you to be anything other than yourself. You are awesome on legs and I am so glad you’re in this world. This world needs you. Sending you lots of love xoxoxo
Thank you for your vulnerability in sharing your story. I needed to hear it today.
‘Let go of how you thought your life should be
and embrace the life that is trying to work its way
into your consciousness’ Caroline Myss
Nicole you have endeared yourself to all of us mortals
by telling us it is okay to say ‘No’ and mean it
Thank you 🤗
Do I quit?
Yep I do…………
Sometimes quitting can be the best path, no point in beating a dead horseMany people are afaird to quit
Thank you so much for this
You GO girlfriend…BIG LOVE…XO