“I think everybody’s weird. We should all celebrate our individuality and not be embarrassed or ashamed of it.”
Johnny Depp
So, this happened to me yesterday.
I live in an old farmhouse on an organic farm in the hinterland of Byron Bay. Our farm is at the end of a quiet and trafficless road only used by the people who live on the road and their families or friends. Most locals don’t even know our road is there, even though they have lived here their whole lives. It’s private. A sanctuary. We like it that way.
Yesterday morning Ben was still in Brisbane so I did some work at my desk, ate breakfast then took a shower so I could dress and get ready for a day of client readings by Skype or Zoom.
Our bathroom is an enclosed section of the veranda (did I say our house is old?) so you have to go outside to take a bath or use the toilet. The bathroom mirrors get fogged if you have a hot shower, so we put a mirror outside on the veranda and I often use that when I put makeup on or do my hair.
So, I’d taken a shower, dropped my used towel in the hamper, and then I stopped for a minute, buck naked at the outside veranda mirror to drag a brush through my hair and tie it back off my face.
As I am snaking the hair elastic around the ponytail bunch in my hand I hear a voice go ‘Excuse me, I hear you have some awesome crystals for sale. Do you mind if we take a look?’
Standing just off the veranda is a young scruffy couple I’ve never seen before, all tattoos and dreadlocks and layered natural clothes and multiple crystal necklaces and dirty bare feet. A baby in the arms of the girl. Hippies. I’m not hippy averse. I’m just giving you the visual.
‘Your gate is closed, so we walked up from the road,’ she adds helpfully.
I am still standing there, naked. I have no idea what to even say to them.
Until finally I do.
‘I’m sorry. I don’t know where you heard that, but I don’t have crystals for sale, and our gate was closed to keep people out. I’m in self-isolation and we don’t allow people on our property. You shouldn’t be travelling or visiting people either right now. We’re all supposed to be staying at home. You need to leave, right now, and please don’t come back.’
‘Oh, okay,’ the young man says. ‘Cool. So you aren’t sick with the Vid? You’re just like super-cautious? That’s great. Could we maybe park our van here then? We live in our van. It looks like a big enough place. We could, like, pool resources.’
They smile at each other and introduce their baby, Petunia, to me. ‘Petunia would love to live on a nice farm.’
By this stage I have forgotten I am naked.
‘Please, you need to leave. I’m immuno-compromised and you are trespassing and violating my isolation.’
‘We’re young,’ the guy says. ‘You’re safe with us. Anyway, it’s a conspiracy so the world government can force-vaccinate us and get our DNA for mind-control.’
Oh my.
This is SO Byron Bay.
‘Lady, it’s all just fear. So, can we look at your crystals now?’
I stride to the top of my steps. ‘I won’t say this again. I am in self-isolation. You are trespassing. I don’t give you permission to be here and I am asking you to leave. Start walking. If you don’t leave immediately I’ll call the police. Or I can bring out my dog and he can ask you to leave. Your choice.’
The young guy says, ‘But who will protect you when people start fighting for food? You’re an old lady.’ He smiles victoriously.
‘I’m sure it won’t come to that. And anyway my husband, our dogs and my neighbours would. We all look out for each other.’
I reach for my mobile phone. ‘I’m calling my neighbour first. I’ll have him bring his sons and his dogs. He’s also a bit of a redneck, so I don’t know what else he might bring with him. Then I’m calling the police.’
They are still standing where they are. ‘Lady, we can work this out. Chill, okay?’
I pick up a giant quartz crystal laser off a nearby table and point it at them like a Kadaicha Man would point the bone. ‘You know I’m a witch too, right? That’s my form of protection, and you seriously don’t want to mess with that!’
They whisper among themselves and then start walking away.
‘Sorry, lady’, the young man yells. ‘We’re really sorry. Just forget we were ever here and we promise we won’t come back. Every Blessing to you, Sacred Sistah! Namaste!’
I watch them walk back down to the gate, and then drive off in their fluoro-coloured mini-van.
I go back inside, dress, make a cup of tea and start my work day.
Sending weird Byron Bay love vibes to you, wherever you are! Nicole xx
