Love Looks Like This

hand clasping

“Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.”
~ William Martin, The Parent’s Tao Te Ching: Ancient Advice for Modern Parents


Yesterday was the beginning of a long round of medical appointments for me.

After a discouraging doctor’s visit filled with news I would have preferred not to hear, my darling husband took me to Yum Cha – one of my favourite cheer-me-up places.

It’s also a place where no-one cares if you spill food everywhere and generally make a mess. A handy thing when you can’t see well.

yum cha

But the highlight of the meal was not the food. It was the way that Ben took my hand and without saying anything was able to give me comfort and reassurance just through his touch.

After a fortifying meal and good tea, a few laughs and that deep sense of support, I was able to face the world again.

That’s what love looks like.

Ordinary wonderful magic.

How blessed I am to have someone to love me and to hold my hand through life’s ups and downs.

Wishing for you a touch of that kind of magic too!  <3 Nicole xx

yum cha love

Find Your Grit

“I learned a lesson I’d never forget. The lesson was that, when you have setbacks and failures, you can’t overreact to them.”
~ Angela Duckworth

I’m off to the doctor today. And tomorrow. And Monday. And more after that.

Many different specialists, all with their own opinions.

I know I’m not going to like some of what I hear.

Lyme doctors. Urologists. Immunologists. Opthamologists. Gynecologists.

So, why am I telling you this?

Because, you might not be facing medical challenges but your situation may be similar to mine. You might be living a total crapfest right now. Maybe yours is bad news. Poor results. No support. No money. Failure. Experts telling you it can’t be done. Well-meaning friends and family giving you sympathy and telling you to become resigned to your circumstances.

Don’t believe them.

Dig hard til you find your own truth. Your own strength. Your own answers. Know that it is never over until you reach the end.

Keep walking your road, or find a new road. Rest if you must. But most importantly, hold a vision of what you want in your heart and use your grit to push your way through to a better outcome.

How do you find your grit? Dig your toes in. Push against your circumstances. Keep pushing. Even as you cry and sigh and wonder what the heck you’re doing. Keep looking for answers. For better ways. For alternatives. For new perspectives. Trust that help will come.

Don’t give up on yourself.

Don’t give up on your dreams.

Don’t take it personally if not a single person stands shoulder to shoulder with you right now.

Just keep going.

Because most often that’s how miracles happen. That’s how dreams come true. That’s how everything transforms. That’s how you find the strength to change what can be changed and the grace to accept what will be.

I believe in you. I know that grit and strength is in you. Dig deeper. You’ll find it. And it will transform you when you do.

Sending you so much love and encouragement, Nicole

Feathers for a Friend

raven crow magic dreaming talisman

Image by Sigi Dawn LoStimolo. You can find more of her beautiful work at her Etsy shop:

“Beyond the edge of the world there’s a space where emptiness and substance neatly overlap, where past and future form a continuous, endless loop. And, hovering about, there are signs no one has ever read, chords no one has ever heard.”
~ Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore



This week I am enjoying some precious days at our farm, between rounds of city doctors and their clinical offices and dry predictions.

When you can’t see, you interface differently with the world. Right now my world is not one of darkness, but rather of indistinction. Everything is blurred, and there is not a crisp edge or a sharp detail to be found. Instead I find that clarity and meaning are coming in other ways. My senses are heightened. My awareness is crystal. Where once I saw, now I listen or turn my eyes inward. I let my soul see what my eyes cannot.

There is a large jacaranda tree in bloom to one side of the farmhouse. The tree is a favourite haunt of birds, and there is one huge limb that runs parallel to the ground. This week as I have sat quietly on my verandah a number of birds have come to visit me – strolling up and down that long limb as performers on a stage.

First came Madam Crow. I know this old bird well. She and her mate have a large platform of sticks at the back of the orchard and they return year after year to raise a new season of offspring.

She strode the tree branch, clicking and calling, regal in both her manner and mood. In some ways Madam Crow reminded me of a Shakespearian actor, aware of my presence and playing to me, but at the same time lost in her own world.

She preened herself and kept me company. Later that day Ben found two feathers on the ground underneath where she had sat. I knew that I was a custodian of these feathers, and that they had Crow Magic to them.

Torresian Crow - this image by Peter at

Torresian Crow – this image by Peter at

Over the coming days more birds walked that bough stage. There was a Magpie who came back again and again to that branch. She too gave a gift of feathers.

There were multitudes of Finches, Honeyeaters and Tree Creepers. A fat Wompoo Pigeon. A usually elusive Catbird.

My hoard of feathers grew. I began to feel the messages from each animal, and how to best create some talismans to hold the energy of each message.

Finally I went to the front room and choose some waxed thread, some crystals, and some wooden beads. I chose them based on their energy – their feeling in my hands.

beads, stones and feathers

My fingers know how to wrap and knot and bead. I don’t need to see what I am doing. This is something I have done for so long that my hands can find their own way.

Taking the first two feathers – one of Crow and one of Magpie – I made a beaded feather talisman. As I worked I sang the message from the birds into the stones and wood, into the binding thread, into the feathers. I felt the energy build and lock.

The finished piece rippled energy out into the world.


This first one was a Writing Talisman – an encouragement for someone to share their personal story. An entreatment to go deeper, to be brave in sharing truth, at gifting this story in a way that might illuminate the way for others. The feathers are supported by banded red and black agate, bone, marble, black tourmaline, rosewood and a few chakra stones that support communication and flow of words.

As I held the talisman a friend came into my head. I knew it was for her.

Just five minutes later she sent me a text asking if I was free to chat. She called me. In the course of our conversation she mentioned that out of the blue she had been thinking about her memoir today. She’d found some new ideas and a way forward.

So, dear Carly, I’m bringing this to the city for you. I know it will weave a magic into your words. I know that it will help.

Ganesha has held this in his hand yesterday and today. It is charged up and ready for you. It feels wonderful. It feels like home.

Ganesha with feathers



Carly and Ben giving Ganesha his yearly coating of wax before redressing him in his finery. Ganesha lives on our verandah, looking out over the jacaranda tree.

I still have a clutch of feathers, and I have begun my second talisman. I know that it is meant to go to one of you, dear readers and friends.

I’ll be giving it away next week.

I’ll let you know more soon about what it is for. I trust that it will find its way to whomever needs it most.

Much love to you,

Nicole❤ xoxo



The Week Ahead – Oracle Reading for Monday 17 October 2016

osho zen

“When you walk to the edge of all the light you have and take that first step into the darkness of the unknown, you must believe that one of two things will happen. There will be something solid for you to stand upon or you will be taught to fly.”
~ Patrick Overton, The leaning tree: [poems]


Hello Lovelies!

It’s a little bit challenging choosing an oracle card just now. I don’t know my current 2016 deck well enough to read it when I can’t see, so instead I have fallen back on an old favourite – my Osho Zen Tarot deck, whose images I know by heart and blindfolded after twenty years of working with them.

Well then, let’s begin:

This week’s card? Adventure!

What does that mean for the week ahead?

We’re being asked to get out of our comfort zone. We’ve being asked to walk out into the unknown.

It means starting things without knowing where you might end up. It means putting yourself into situations where you can’t control the outcome. It means breaking out of routine to try something new. It means trusting in positive outcomes, even if your knees are shaking and it takes everything you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

For some of you, this is a week where you’ll look back years from now and see how this small and seemingly insignificant (although scary!) step you took was the one that changed everything.

For some of you, being brave enough to go outside your routine will mean new opportunities, new relationships, bold new discoveries or a rediscovery of something important that you need to be reminded of right now.

Many of you will find that getting out and about this week provides happy moments, shared joy and a boost to your social life. It’s also a great week to hold or plan parties, launches and grand adventures (think holidays and expeditions!) to be taken some time in the future.

The seven days ahead unfold a deeply spiritual week. A week that reminds us that we’re not alone. That the Universe has our backs. That miracles happen daily. That sometimes the crap we’ve been slogging through was only ever to enable us to step into a brighter future – wiser, stronger, clearer, better. It’s the kind of week where incredible ideas can just slide into your mind, or bubble to the surface. The kind of week where what seemed crazy just days ago now seems entirely possible.

Image by Raven N. from

Image by Raven N. from

Make sure to find time for joy this week – no matter how small that joy might be. Take time to sit in your favourite cafe, or to drink your favourite beverage – curled up with a book, a game or a loved one. Play your favourite music, dance and sing along. Go on a little adventure in your own home-town or suburb. Gee, you could even have that adventure in your own backyard!

If you’re looking for a crystal companion this week, you can’t go past Labradorite or Green Adventurine. Essential oils? Neroli, Jasmine and Rose.

This is a week for restoring hope, and we can always use more of that.

Sending much love to you, Nicole❤ xx


Sitting with the Big Questions

“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”
~ Hermann Hesse


I still can’t see.

I still can’t see except for a brief window each morning before exhaustion and overwhelm kick in. In that brief window my left eye has reasonable vision. I can read large text and navigate the world around me more easily. I can write. I can feel briefly safe and more normal. By lunch-time clarity is melting away. By nightfall everything is a blur.

I’ve always believed that there is something to be learned or understood from every experience, if only I am brave enough to ask the big questions. If only I am brave enough to sit open and unknowing – waiting for whatever insights and answers may come.

For days now I have been asking myself ‘What am I not seeing?’ It seemed a sensible question, given my current circumstances.

I’ve had some major realisations around access and disability and what matters in life. I’ve thought deeply about helplessness and dependence and my difficulty with asking for help. I’ve sat with the truths of my need to serve, and my fear of not making a difference. Of my old childhood anxiety around feeling like a freak and never fitting in. Of not being loved if people knew my truth – if they truly ‘saw’ me. Of the pain of ‘not being seen’ by those I love.

I’ve owned the need for self first, of slowing down, of finding grace in impossible situations, of enlightenment through suffering. I’ve watched from outside myself as a part of me has danced with a range of emotions.

And I kept asking myself – What am I not seeing?

What am I not seeing?

Eventually the words themselves became a noose that drew tighter and tighter. I’d stripped myself bare. There seemed nothing more to find. My world grew smaller and darker, my depression and frustration more profound.

I tried to sit in that place of darkness and stuckness. I hoped that by sitting there some great breakthough would come.



Suddenly it came to me, and the realisation was so powerful that waves of relief flooded my body. I am psychic after all. I live between worlds. I have always seen what others cannot.

All this question of ‘What am I not seeing?’ was doing was keeping me stuck in my head. In my rational self. A useful place to be in small doses, but the one perspective I will ever find there will be my own.

‘Not seeing’ ultimately gave only limited answers. It closed me down.

But now I Knew I had the key within me to bring light back into this dark space.

I reframed my question.

What can I see?

The boundaries of my tiny existence exploded. I moved from my head to my soul.

Everything changed.

I still might not be able to see with my eyes, but I can see so much more clearly from this new perspective, and I know there is much here to learn and explore.

How about you? What can you see?

Sit with it for a while. I think you’ll be glad that you did.

Please know that you’re in my thoughts, prayers and daily meditations.

All my love, Nicole❤ xx


Grace In Plain Sight

“Un-winged and naked, sorrow surrenders its crown to a throne called grace.”
~ Aberjhani


You may have noticed that I’ve been uncommonly quiet here on my blog this past few weeks.

Those of you who’ve known me for a while will also know that if I’m ever quiet it is always for good reason.

Today, I want to share some good and some not so good news with you, in an effort to explain this current spate of absence.

My surgery back in early September went well, despite unforeseen complications. Hooray! Good news. But then I developed a urinary tract infection which turned out to be a superbug. Bad news. I was given an avalanche of drugs, and finally, finally, we were able to eradicate the infection. Good news. But in the process of eradicating the bug my vision was affected. Bad news.

I am currently suffering from a condition known as ocular toxicity. Small crystals have formed in my right eye, causing vision loss and double vision. It’s a rare side effect of the drug I was taking that was necessary to beat the superbug. The effects are usually permanent.

My left eye has already been hammered by Lyme disease, so my vision from that eye is not great. With all of the drugs I’ve been taking recently my optic nerve has become inflamed again so until two days ago I couldn’t see out of that eye at all either – a situation that began before I contracted the superbug. It may also have been damaged by the drug. I won’t know for a few more days.

Scary stuff.

When you suddenly can’t see properly, everything changes.

blind faith

Blind Faith by AronBack at

I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I have sobbed myself to sleep each night and been in the darkest of spaces this last little while. It seemed so cruel to have this to deal with, after everything else that has been my latest round of health battles. As a writer, to be unable to read or put words on the page has been an agony.

Each day I wake up hoping for improvement, only to find my world a blur. I can see shapes and colour but nothing has definition. My world is two-dimensional and rather terrifying. Overnight I have become clumsy and tentative. Dependent. Smaller, somehow.

But my left eye has cleared a little in the past forty-eight hours.

From experience I know that there is room for further improvement, and already I am coping a bit better with my new situation. I now have limited vision from my left eye, and using corrective glasses and vision impairment settings on my phone and computer I have managed to gain a little more independence. I can read large font for brief periods before I get a headache and end up exhausted from the effort. I’m cheered enormously by this latest development though. I expect to be able to read and write for short periods each day and with some creative thinking I should be able to get around most of these current hurdles and adapt to the vision loss.

My ability to see energy and auras hasn’t changed at all, thank goodness. If anything, my senses have become more acute.

I also have my fingers crossed that both eyes will improve over time, and I have a great team looking into all of this with me.

So, this is a turn of events I didn’t anticipate.

It’s one that has caused me many tears, and a great deal of distress.

But ultimately, no matter what happens to us, we find a way to cope and move on. I’ll be okay. Things will improve or I will learn to cope better with what is, and meanwhile I will keep asking for help and counting my many blessings. I’ll innovate in order to create. I’ll overcome, and where I can’t I’ll do my best to sit in a state of grace with it all.

My husband put it all into perspective for me. Would I rather have dodgy eyes and be alive, or be dead with perfect eyesight?

I’m doing my best to get up and running again. Sorry that all I’ve spoken about here on my blog lately has been health updates. I hope to bring you something far more interesting very soon. Thanks for your patience, and for your support. It means the world to me.

All my love, Nicole xx

PS: How cool is this Unicorn Eye Patch! It’s on my latest wish list🙂

eye patch

Awesome Unicorn Eye Patch from

Nic’s Latest Update: Life as a #Lymewarrior


‘Brave’ by WillowWaves at

“O snail
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!”
~ Kobayashi Issa

“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’
‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.”
~ George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones


Ah, Lovelies,

I’d hoped to be bringing you a good news post, a happy ‘post-surgery things are looking up’ story. And it is true, some things have improved. I am out of hospital. I am home in Brisbane, although not yet home to my precious farm. After an entire month of having my hair in a bun on the top of my head I have finally gotten all the knots from my hair and washed it (a three day effort that only others with chronic fatigue or pain will understand!). I have moved from a shuffling gait to a slow walk.

But I’m not as far along my healing journey as I had expected. Because, you see, having Lyme Disease complicates everything.

Having Chronic Late Stage Lyme Disease means that I’m immuno-compromised. Which is why I picked up two infections pre-surgery, which were treated with a metric tonne of antibiotics to get me infection-free before my operation. Treatment worked, but I was a ball of misery as the antibiotics killed not only my infections but lyme bacteria as well.

Surgery went well. Longer than expected and more complicated. I needed unplanned bowel and bladder surgery and repair. But I came out of it strongly and was making a good recovery, even on the new metric tonne of iv antibiotics and antibacterials I was given.

Unfortunately I then I caught a new infection (via my catheter we think) just as I was getting ready to leave hospital the first time. Tests showed it to be an antibiotic-resistant urinary tract infection superbug. It still responds to some old-school antibiotics, but not regular ones, so I was placed onto those.

One tablet, three times a day.

Which should have cleared it. But it didn’t, so now I am on massively increased doses. This old-school antibiotic is also used to clear late-stage lyme (but my urologist and gynecologist know nothing about that – Lyme is well outside their fields). It targets and kills the cyst form of the bacteria by damaging its DNA. Awesome news. So now I am on a drug that kills my superbug AND lyme. (The typical Lyme dose of this drug is just one tablet three times a week.)

Lots of lyme bacteria dying means lots of herxing. So now I am in agony. It hurts to pee. It hurts to poo. I can’t see out of my left eye, and vision is distorted from my right. I am sensitive to light and to sound. My skin hurts. My teeth hurt. My bones hurt. Old injuries are aching and paining. My muscles spasm and cramp. I have a killer headache. I am hot and cold in turns. I can’t sleep. It feels as if someone at odd times is tasering me, or pouring acid on my skin. And then there is my belly wound which goes from hip to hip, and the fact that my insides feel like someone has stitched them into a too tight sausage casing and then punched me in the gut a few times for good measure. And the pinched nerve in my back which has rendered one arm numb and painful and much less mobile than usual. Which instigated a case of shingles. My balance and strength is shot and I need a cane to walk. Let’s just say, it is not one of my better adventures.

I spent most of last night cry-laughing on the toilet. Because of my recent bladder repair it only holds about 200ml of fluid before I need to go, and I need to be drinking LOTS of water right now to flush both the drugs and infection from my system. Peeing hurts. A lot. Before, during and after. Although at least the feeling of pissing razorblades has resolved as the antibiotics kicked in and began working on this little superbug of mine. Now it only burns. So I sat on the toilet more than I was off it. Crying and laughing at the same time, because it was funny but pathetic, and scary but also ridiculous, and as I cried and laughed I panted power phrases like ‘This is just f*cked’ or ‘You can do this, Nic!’ depending on what frame of mind I was in for any given minute.

My friend Jennifer visited me while I was in the hospital and gave me a little bracelet. Inscribed on it is the phrase ‘Be Brave’. Those two words have been a constant reminder to me in the past few weeks. Be uncomplaining. Cry if I need to. Pull myself together. Chin up.


I am mostly coping okay with the pain and lack of decent sleep. I am being well cared for by Ben, Nurse Bert, Cafe Dog and my dear friend Carly. I have everything I need. The hard thing is my vision loss (which is a temporary situation, we hope, and one I have faced several times while undergoing Lyme treatment in the past). This last fortnight I have had limited vision. My left eye is a complete blur, and my right eye has a restricted field of blurry vision – if I wear glasses, cover my left eye and increase my screen magnification by 300% I can read for short periods, but it is exhausting and gives me a headache. I can’t write. The television is a blur. Do you know how much stuff you suddenly can’t do when you can’t see?

I can’t check my messages on my phone or my emails. I can’t see my phone well enough to call a number – but Siri is getting good use as I task her to read my texts or call my mum. I can’t blog or update you. (I needed help to get this post written and published.) I can’t read any messages you may have written to me, so forgive me if I have not responded. Thank goodness for audio books and imagination land, and for good conversation in small doses.

I’m also exhausted, and after ten minutes of anything I am ready for a nap.

It isn’t where I expected to be, four weeks after surgery, but this is where I find myself. Nothing to do but wait for improvement.

I am good at sucking it up. Truth be told though, I am more than a bit over it. Still, it is what it is and it will get better – just maybe not in the timeframe I’d hoped for (and I am ALWAYS impatient!)

I’m missing my Year of ME Planner and choosing oracle cards to guide my week. I’m sad to be unable to tick things off my to-do list. From experience though, I know that it will all be waiting to help me get back on track again with all my dreams and projects just as soon as I am able. Meanwhile my wonderful team are working on all kinds of lovely things for next year’s Planner, our upcoming courses and retreats, and my new website. (Thank you Dana, Bek, Kerry, Chelsi and my PI transcription crew!)

I’m still sending you so much love in my daily meditations and healings, and I’m grateful for all the good energy you’ve sent my way too.

Hopefully things will sort out sooner rather than later and normal programming will resume. I’m looking forward to that. I AM getting better, it’s just a slow and bumpy road. Fingers crossed that my healing gets fast-tracked very soon. I am choosing to see all of this as a fabullous opportunity to kick Lyme’s butt in a bigger way than I had ever dreamed!

Hugs and love, Nicole xx