“But that was life: Nobody got a guided tour to their own theme park. You had to hop on the rides as they presented themselves, never knowing whether you would like the one you were in line for…or if the bastard was going to make you throw up your corn dog and your cotton candy all over the place.”
~ J.R. Ward
I’m still sick.
Each night I go to bed hoping that tomorrow I will wake, miraculously better.
Each morning I wake, still sick.
This morning it was hard to muster gratitude, as an immune-compromised person dealing with the flu. In other people this bug might last a few days. But in me it has taken hold and then ravaged me. I have chest pain that scares me. I’ve lost vision in my left eye. My body aches, and there are a million other miseries (I’ve become neurologically incontinent again, old Lyme symptoms I haven’t experienced for years have revisited…) I am exhausted and broken and this wasn’t part of my plan! But I don’t want to be cranky. I don’t want to focus on the negative, or on my fears, or how wretched I feel. That won’t serve me.
And yes, I am grateful for the birds, and the sunrise, and my amazing husband and our two caring hounds who haven’t left my side. For all of you, and your love and support. But I am also aching and hurting for all of the opportunities lost, and the position I am currently in, and my helplessness in it all.
While I thought on all of this as I lay in bed, I remembered.
I’ve been in this place so often. Of life sucking pretty hard. Of my health letting me down, or other, worse things. Magical New Age Rainbow Unicorn Thinking isn’t going to help me. It is what is, and I can’t change it.
In this hard space, there is still something to be grateful for, despite the general suckfulness of it all.
I am resilient. I am a survivor. I can be grateful for me, and my own tenacity. I can be grateful that I am still here, maybe not standing today but conscious and continuing in my own gritted-teeth way.
That’s what I want to remind you this morning. You are the miracle. Think of all you have been through. Think of everything life has thrown at you over the years.
On the days when life is mostly hard, or maybe even a completely brutal ride, remember to be grateful for yourself and your ability to get yourself through. Remind yourself that you are stronger than this. Be grateful for your resilience and your determination, your courage and your indefatigable ability to endure.
You are worth celebrating. Acknowledging your journey and your strength will light a flame in your heart to keep you going on the darkest of days.
Sending so much love your way,
Nicole xx
