Why Being ‘Nice’ Can Be Poisonous To Your Soul


“Share your weaknesses. Share your hard moments. Share your real side. It’ll either scare away every fake person in your life or it will inspire them to finally let go of that mirage called “perfection,” which will open the doors to the most important relationships you’ll ever be a part of.” 
~ Dan Pearce

Lovelies, today I want to share my perspective on ‘making nice’ with you.

Kindness is a loving balm, understanding is a mental tonic, compassion grows our hearts, love is food for the soul, but niceness? Far too often niceness is a poison administered to ourselves by our own hand.

There is a trend (and I recognise it because I once was in that same place!) where people beginning to become spiritually aware try to live from a place of unconditional love. That’s a beautiful thing, but too often what gets practised is not actually unconditional love but ‘niceness’.

Many people consider niceness to be a virtue; a sign of living from heart, and acting from love. I’m not referring to kindness, or good manners, or amiability. I’m talking here about pleasing others, not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings, and being agreeable and amenable, even if it comes at a high cost to yourself.

Speaking our truth honours us, and it teaches us honest and direct communication that honours and respects others. Can we come from a place of unconditional love and still speak our truth? Absolutely! Because the premise of unconditional love is that we also love ourselves.

Authenticity requires us to live with honesty – not with silencing ourselves or suppressing our true thoughts and emotions.

Niceness is not about unconditional love – it is about giving up honesty in order to avoid disapproval, confrontation, rejection, ridicule or embarrassment. It elevates the happiness and well-being of others above your own. It is based on falseness, and by its nature, niceness prevents honesty and authenticity. When you come from niceness you teach others to devalue you, and disrespect you. You do not set clear boundaries.

Niceness does not come from a heart-centred life. It grows out of fear and a lack of self-worth. It is a behaviour that goes counter to our intuitive wisdom, and to those gut-based mechanisms that keep us safe.  We tell people what they want to hear, we do and say things to keep others happy or to keep the peace. We act in a way that pleases others but that robs us of a little (or a big bit!) of ourselves.

There is always a way to tell the difference between being nice and being kind.  Kindness comes from a place of being centred, and it empowers us.  It strengthens us, as it strengthens others. We can act with generosity or compassion and there is no cost to us, or it is a cost we willingly bear.  We give without expecting anything in return, for the sake of uplifting others.

Niceness always leaves you with an aftertaste – you know you have’t spoken truthfully; you feel that twang of inauthentic energy, that twinge of discomfort, or you even get that sense of being taken for granted or taken for a ride.

Niceness diminishes us, even when it strengthens others. We bite our tongue in order to say the flattering thing, we do the act with a little flame of resentment in our heart. And sometimes it starts out as kindness – but our kindness becomes expected, or disrepected – we are taken advantage of but we are unable to speak up about that and voice our own feelings. So we act nice instead.

When we choose niceness it poisons us.  It leads to depression, anxiety, shame, emotional distress, guilt, anger and despair.   Life-long patterns of niceness leave us open to exploitation and invite difficult, damaging and dangerous relationships into our lives.

We end up doing things we don’t want to do – we can become an entirely different person to who we are on the inside. We can lose ourselves so completely that we have no idea any more what makes us happy, what our preferences are, what we want in life…

Taken to extremes, through living a life of niceness we can cease to exist. Instead, we become a support role in someone else’s life. We become Cinderella, at home scrubbing the floors while her stepsisters are out having fun!

Are you too nice?

Maybe it’s time to start honouring your own truth. Love starts with the self, and healthy self-esteem can only be built by standing up for yourself, giving your feelings a voice, and attending to your own needs.  You can do that and still be polite.  You can do that and still be kind.  You can do that and still be likeable, lovable and accepted.  Don’t keep drinking that from that poisonous niceness bottle!

And if your acts of self-respect and kindness aren’t taken well by others? Maybe it’s time to  get some space, maybe it’s time to stop giving, maybe it’s time to move on… If you have to be ‘nice’ in order for your life to work, the price will always be too high.

You might be surprised. As you begin voicing your honest thoughts, you give others permission to do the same. Being authentic can create great change. It invites miracles. And this week supports that kind of energy, so be brave and embrace your truth then live from that space and watch the magic begin to happen in your life. Choose love. Choose kindness. And above all, be true to yourself. It’s worth it! 

Much love, Nicole ❤ xx

Image from www.simplereminders.com

It’s Okay To Choose For Yourself


“Look to your heart and soul first, rather than looking to your head first, when choosing. Rather than what you think, consider instead how you feel. Look to the nature of things. Feel your choices and decisions. It just might change everything.” 
~ Jeffrey R. Anderson

Hello, Lovelies.

Today I have a favour to ask of you. Today I’d like you to choose for yourself.

You might think that’s an odd request. You might also think it doesn’t apply to you. But if you are in love, empathic, sensitive, a parent, a partner, a people-pleaser or a soother of others I think it does.

You see, so many of us (myself included), will make choices in life with another person in mind. Your sweetheart loves the apple pastry so you take the lemon one. Your friends love sci-fi so you go see the latest movie with them even though it’s a genre you’re not fussed about. Your partner doesn’t eat seafood so you just don’t cook that anymore. When a family member offers to make dinner for you, you ask for spaghetti because that’s the kids’ favourite. You make choices that make others happy. And it’s not a drag for you, honestly. You don’t mind the lemon pastry. It’s good just to hang with your friends. Chicken’s as tasty as fish. It’s just nice to have someone else cook. No biggie, right?

Still. what if you constantly make small choices – ones that don’t really matter to you – that suit the preferences of other people over your own?

It might seem inconsequential but it soon stacks up. How many decisions and choices will you make in a day that completely negate what you might want? What message does that send to the Universe?

Each time you put the well-being and happiness of someone else over your own you are asserting to the Universe that they matter more than you, that their happiness and positive life experience matters more than your own. And even though you may start out being happy to have made someone else happy that joy will eventually wear off if your own needs never get any airplay. What’s worse, you train the people around you that these decisions you make are okay for you, or even great for you. So how will they ever know what you really want? How will they ever know you’d have preferred an apple pastry too? Trust me, this is the kind of behaviour that eventually breeds simmering resentment and misery where the only person who’ll be suffering is you.

So, just for today, I’m asking you to choose for yourself. Choose the cooking show over the football. Choose to hang out at the art gallery while everyone else goes to the museum. Eat pasta when the gang has burgers. Choose what you really wanted to say yes to, even if that means you go on your own or eat on your own.

That’s okay. Your life is valuable too. Your choices and happiness matter too. This is your one shot at this precious life. Don’t waste it by never giving yourself the chance to experience all the longings of your heart.

Much love, Nicole ❤ xx