Nicole Update and a Pep Talk!


“I do not think that there is any other quality so essential to success of any kind as the quality of perseverance. It overcomes almost everything, even nature.”
~ John D. Rockefeller

Hello, Lovelies!
Thanks so much for all the love and positive energy that has flowed my way the past week or so. I’ve felt it, and it has helped.

Firstly, for everyone who asked, the dogs weren’t in the car with us. Thank goodness, because they would have been squashed. The other driver has cracked vertebrae but will be okay. I am stiff and sore but getting better. Ben’s even been back to our wrecked car and retrieved all our personal effects. So that chapter of our lives is over and it’s time to think about new cars, new directions and new eras.

It has been a strange week since the accident. Useful, but strange.

I found that there is a place inside me brimful with fear and memories of prior trauma. It came very close to the surface a few days ago. After seeing the doctor we stopped at the coffee place we had originally been heading to before our car crash. I sat with my coffee in front of me and as I picked it up my hands began shaking so much I had to put the cup down.

My heart raced. My eyes filled with tears. Suddenly, every shitty awful thing that has happened in the past came rushing forward. So many. Too many.

Oh my God, I thought. I’m having a breakdown.

Ben put his big hand on my leg. You okay? he asked.

It broke the spell and I half-laughed with tears running down my face. ‘Just peachy’ I told him. ‘Really, I’m fine.’

Of course I am. I’m still here. Life goes on. Sh*t happens. I roll with it.

It made me see how I have stuffed certain emotions deep down inside me as a coping mechanism. Each time I did it consciously and mindfully so that I could keep existing in the moment – through pain or illness, horror or exhaustion. At each instant I talked to myself (often out loud) and said ‘Come on, Nicole. You can do this. You’ve got this. You’re okay.’ Always at a time when I was most definitely NOT okay.

And do you know what?

Every time I did this I truly was okay. I got through things I never thought I’d survive. I managed. Not always gracefully. Sometimes limping through with no style at all. But I kept going. I kept saying to myself, ‘I’ve got things to do. I’ll deal with this later’.

People have been saying to me lately that they don’t know how I have coped, with so difficult many things one after the other. But the truth is that when you’re deep in the middle of something you find a way through.

Am I going to sit and explore all that pain and trauma stuffed down in me? I’ve already done that on many occasions. I’ve done more self-work and reflection than anyone I know. This is what I’ve discovered. If I endlessly replay all the old hurts and traumas I get stuck there. Instead I always look to HOW I COPED and WHAT I LEARNED.

All that pain in me is actually a strength. From it arises a wild and ferocious warrior women who will carry me through any fire and emerge me out the other side. Sure, maybe battered and singed and partly broken, but still here.

When I came home from the coffee shop I sat in meditation and reached into that place of pain. I saw that beside it and equal to it was a place of calm and wisdom and compassion. That tranquil inner place in me was born of the fire. It didn’t come first, it came as a response. It came BECAUSE I had suffered.

I’m sharing this with you because you may have forgotten that you are stronger than you know. You are stronger than any obstacle, any current circumstance. You’ll get through this too.

Holding you, as ever, in my prayers and meditations, Nicole ❤ xx

Silver Lining – A journal exercise for finding the upside

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.  ~Buddha

Writing is a powerful tool for self discovery, healing and expansion.  In fact, it’s one of my favourite things to do. Today I’m sharing some journal starters for exploring things I have considered to be negative in my life, in order that I might mine that situation or relationship to find the positives and gifts within it.  I’ve found this activity to be a great comfort over the years, and it has enabled me at times to radically shift my perspective to one which is much more positive.

The one thing that is non-negotiable in this exercise is that you MUST look for a positive – that silver lining on the thundercloud in your life.

One of the things that still stands out for me is the day I heard that a dear friend had been badly injured in a parachuting accident (from which he later died). It marked the beginning of a series of terrible and unforeseen events in our life.  But it also gave me an insight that left me better able to cope with what lay ahead.

What happened on that day remains one of the most precious memories of my life.  We were all in shock, but I had organised for my grandmothers to come for lunch, and I needed to pick one of them up from across town. Life still went on, and the lunch had been planned and looked forward to for months. It was the middle of an Australian summer,  a heatwave no less, and the weekend before Christmas.  I pulled into the madness of a suburban shopping centre to buy cream before I collected Nana.

As I stepped out of the car I was almost bowled over by two things, the heat and my grief. The world slowed right down.  I remember thinking that John must be dying. I stood beside my car as if I was suspended in time. Around me shoppers rushed on in the Christmas chaos, ignorant of the fact that this dear man was taking his last breaths. How could the world keep turning, I wondered.  Why didn’t it look any different?

I felt suddenly connected to an unseen group of people around Brisbane, around the world, who were similarly out of the flow of time, locked into grief or despair or helplessness or loss.  I became acutely aware of the heat, the smell of the melting tar beneath my feet and the gum-leaves on the nearby trees.  Green parrots squawked and fought above my head, and tiny clusters of blossom fell at my feet, like some strange sort of summer snow.  I was struck by the intense beauty of the moment, and of how everyone around me was oblivious to it.  I heard my own heart beating in my chest, was aware of every breath, and felt as if I was seeing the world with new eyes. I became overwhelmed with a sense of how precious and fragile and miraculous our existence is, and my despair was replaced with an avalanche of gratitude.

The intensity and gratitude of that moment has never left me.  It became the silver lining to an awful time on my life.

Here are my journal starters.  Use one, any or all of them to get you into writing flow, and to help you focus on the silver lining rather than the cloud.

On relationships that failed:

  • One good thing about (insert person’s name) that I am still grateful for is…
  • If I hadn’t met (insert person’s name) I never would have…
  • One positive thing I learned about myself from that relationship is…
  • One thing I won’t ever do again is…
  • The best thing about this relationship ending is that…

On death, loss and sorrow:

  • One of the happiest memories of (insert person’s name) that I cherish is…
  • (Insert person’s name) taught me…
  • Because of (insert person’s name) I have learned…
  • One thing I will always carry with me in my heart is…
  • We always laughed about…
  • One crazy thing that always reminds me of (insert person’s name) is…
  • One way I can honour their memory is to…
  • One way I can make the most of my own life is…

On making mistakes:

  • The thing I learned from all of this is…
  • If I hadn’t stuffed up I never would have been able to…
  • The one thing this has clarified for me is…
  • One person who’s been really great in all of this is…
  • The thing I’ll do differently next time is…
  • At least I’ve realised…

On diminishment (you being somehow made smaller or less able)  and disappointment:

  • I may not be able to (insert the diminishment) but I can still…
  • I still have the power to…
  • For now I can focus my energies on…
  • This gives me more time to…
  • For now this door is closed to me.  Other doors that are open include…
  • If I’m being made to stop, or slow down, at least I can use this change of pace to…

On people who’ve treated you badly:

  • Because of you, I’ve decided to never…
  • You’ve made me realise that I am better than that because…
  • You’ve shown me how NOT to be in the world.  I’ve learned that…
  • Because you couldn’t give me (love, respect, attention, guidance, honesty, kindness – insert whatever was missing in your relationship) I’ve discovered and grown this great strength in me.  I learned to be the thing you could not do for me.  I have become…
  • The good thing to come out of all of this is…
  • I deserve more because…
  • I believe that the right way to treat people is to…

Summaries:

  • From the hard times in my life I’ve learned that…
  • My greatest personal strengths are…
  • I’m proud of myself that…
  • I’m amazed that I have been able to…
  • One of the best things to come from all of this is…
  • The way I can now help others is…