Shush! Writing!!!


“Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.” 
~ Rumi

It’s too late to back away from this memoir now. I’ve started this final rewrite.

I’ve peeled apart my old drafts and stuck sticky notes all over them. I’ve crossed out whole sections, entire chapters. On some pages I’ve simply drawn a big red question mark with a Sharpie pen to indicate that I had only given you the facts, not the truth. They are the pages I despise the most because of what they are waiting for me to say.

I have boldy written a list of all the things I am TERRIFIED to share out loud. None of which were in any of the previous eight drafts.

I tacked it above my writing desk where it challenges me to keep writing whenever I falter and look for an easier path.

F*ck. I hate this.

(I’ve actually screamed that out loud on more than one occasion so far and I’m only mere pages into this new draft. It’s not that I hate the writing, or even the story. I hate that I am making myself so uncomfortable, so exposed, so… ugh, it makes me sick to write this truth and to let it stand there all alone on the page.)

Anyway, I have no more time to devote to the blog this morning. I must write.

I must.

I know you understand.

All my love, Nicole ❤ xx

PS. I still hate this…

Humble Thank-Yous


“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Hey, Lovelies.

I just wanted to thank you for the outpouring of support and love that you showed me yesterday when I updated you on why I’ve been so stuck with my memoir.

Not long after I posted my blog Facebook brought up a memory from six years ago for me to look at. It was a flock of Black Cockatoos that I had photographed as they flew over our farm. And most of you will know that Auntie always promised me her mob would show up as Black Cockatoos when they had a message for me or to keep an eye on me.

Later in the day they turned up in person, roosting in the hoop pines and calling loudly to me and to one another.

I took all of these things as strong signs that I need to bravely press on and just keep on writing til this story is done.

Thanks again. Your support means the world to me. It can get very lonely on this side of the screen, and your responses really helped remind me of WHY I am writing this book,

Biggest love and hugs, Nicole ❤ xx

PS – the short video below is for anyone who doesn’t know these beautiful birds and their haunting cries.

This Quiet Morning

 

“Outside, there was that predawn kind of clarity, where the momentum of living has not quite captured the day. The air was not filled with conversation or thought bubbles or laughter or sidelong glances. Everyone was sleeping, all of their ideas and hopes and hidden agendas entangled in the dream world, leaving this world clear and crisp and cold as a bottle of milk in the fridge. ” 
~ Reif Larsen

It’s raining here at the farm this morning. The kind of rain that drizzles down and stops, drizzles down and stops. There is fog and low cloud, it’s cool, and more than anything I’d like to be tucked up in my bed right now.

The house is quiet except for the tap tap tap of my fingers flying across the keyboard. Except for the occasional burr and tick and hum of the kettle as it heats water for my tea. Everyone else is asleep, even the dogs. It’s that kind of a morning.

Meanwhile, I’m writing.

I remembered something important at 2am. The time Auntie told me about deep listening and how to do it with your whole body. I dreamed it first, which is how I came to remember. Suddenly I was back there in the Kimberley, out walking in the red dirt with my old Aboriginal aunties as they taught me the kinds of the things that have literally saved my life. Then I woke up with a start. Why had I forgotten to include this one incident when it was so important? I needed to get up and put it all down on the page while it was sharp and clear in my mind. So up I got and I huddled in front of the bright screen at my kitchen table, the main lights out so I wouldn’t wake anyone up.

On this early morning as dawn breaks I am still writing. Weaving this new thread into my almost finished memoir. Carefully excising less important words to put these more important ones into it.

And there is still the not-right ending that I am avoiding, hoping that some miraculous insight will come along that allows me to tidy it up in a satisfying and useful way.

I’ll stop now, and have a break.

Maybe a better ending will come to me as we buy groceries, or as I prepare the guest room for our friend who is coming to spend Easter and Bluesfest with us. Or as I make my Cadbury Creme Egg Salted Caramel Cheesecake (I know!). Or as I answer student emails and record videos for the crystal of the month for my membership group.

Or maybe I’ll just have to slog through it and hope it all comes together, word by painful word.

Anyway, enough now. I’m stepping away from the desk. I’m stretching. I’m yawning. It’s time for a shower.

Wishing you all a connected and inspired kind of day, or at least one with a  good cup of tea or coffee and a little time just for you.

All my love, Nicole  xx