“You should have seen this coming,’ they said. I did see it coming. I saw it coming the way you see a train coming when you’re tied to the tracks.”
~ Margaret Andrews
I’ve been awake since I don’t know when.
No, that’s not true.
2.36am.
I lay awake in the dark for a long while, willing myself to turn over and go back to sleep. But I was wide awake.
I thought about the doctor I will see today. I’ve seen him several times over the past twenty or so years. I thought about him sleeping, and hoped that he was sleeping well and deeply, untroubled by anything.
I wondered if he realised how many of his patients lay awake at night, apprehensive and counting the hours until their appointment. Then I hoped he never thought about it at all. How difficult it would be to labour under such thoughts.
My mind wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t steer it off topic for more than a few minutes. Slowly, dawn approached. My appointment is still hours away. No more sleep for me.
I got up early. I meditated. I sat down to write this blog.
Still, my thoughts are a jumble of worries.
Pointless, really.
I will see my doctor. I will get my test results. We will chart a path. I will walk the path.
The part of me that is the wise and coping part tells me I am okay, and that I’ll be okay.
The worried part of me snaps back, “Shut up!”
Which makes me laugh. Eventually.
I am okay, and I will be okay.
Worry never solved anything, nor made time pass more easily.
I’ll have a cup of tea instead. I’ll tidy something. I’ll wait for Ben and Cafe Dog to wake up so that we can have a lovely distracting outing.
And even so, I’ll keep on quietly worrying.
Nx
