Apprehension

Image by SeveIV at www.seveiv.deviantart.com

Image ‘Train Tracks’ by SeveIV at www.seveiv.deviantart.com

“You should have seen this coming,’ they said. I did see it coming. I saw it coming the way you see a train coming when you’re tied to the tracks.”
~ Margaret Andrews

 

I’ve been awake since I don’t know when.

No, that’s not true.

2.36am.

I lay awake in the dark for a long while, willing myself to turn over and go back to sleep. But I was wide awake.

 

I thought about the doctor I will see today. I’ve seen him several times over the past twenty or so years. I thought about him sleeping, and hoped that he was sleeping well and deeply, untroubled by anything.

I wondered if he realised how many of his patients lay awake at night, apprehensive and counting the hours until their appointment. Then I hoped he never thought about it at all. How difficult it would be to labour under such thoughts.

My mind wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t steer it off topic for more than a few minutes. Slowly, dawn approached. My appointment is still hours away. No more sleep for me.

I got up early. I meditated. I sat down to write this blog.

Still, my thoughts are a jumble of worries.

 

Pointless, really.

I will see my doctor. I will get my test results. We will chart a path. I will walk the path.

The part of me that is the wise and coping part tells me I am okay, and that I’ll be okay.

The worried part of me snaps back, “Shut up!”

Which makes me laugh. Eventually.

I am okay, and I will be okay.

Worry never solved anything, nor made time pass more easily.

I’ll have a cup of tea instead. I’ll tidy something. I’ll wait for Ben and Cafe Dog to wake up so that we can have a lovely distracting outing.

And even so, I’ll keep on quietly worrying.

Nx

 

21 thoughts on “Apprehension

  1. This was calming to read. Thank you. I guess one never does think about the worries and troubles of doctors. They’re on the other side of the tale. “Worry never solved anything, nor made time pass more easily.” But we do anyway; it’s how we understand ourselves.

  2. Darlin…I hope you can feel my love filled hug right now. Your the first thought that came into my mind today when I awoke. Whatever the outcome you have ‘everyrhing’ you need to get through this…and I’ll get the A team – YOM’ers into all sending strength & light filled healing for the weeks ahead…and especially today. Much Love my dear & treasured friend…XO

  3. You have probably been there and back by the time I read this. Worry is the natural thing to do in your given set of circumstances. But know that many have come through far worse so it is possible for you to walk across any obstacle you come against. We will all send you loving, healthy thoughts. We see you well with lots of energy to continue doing your work. Giant hugs.

  4. I guess we need to acknowledge our wavering moments as much as our powerful moments. It is normal and part of our yin yang nature. Love and light to you.

  5. I haven’t had a bad nights sleep in many years thank goodness, it sucks when it happens and it happens to Tim a lot like a few nights a week but not me I go to bed I go to sleep and the next thing I know it is morning time.

  6. I’ve been down that path a few times and it’s not a nice feeling. The last time I had surgery, I changed everything around from worry to positivity. It made a massive difference to my recovery. I just concentrated on the surgery going perfectly, the results the same, and any pain manageable and it was delivered. We are all behind you sending love and holding your hand. It is so hard when someone tells you not to worry when it’s all you can think about, so instead I send a virtual hug and perfect result from your surgery. Xxoxox

  7. Nicole as I go thru the same on the other side of the world (tho mine is not Lyme related at least not that they have found) I hold you in my thoughts prayers and meditations. I smile knowing you are out there doing the same. Reaching across the distance joining hands.

  8. Holding you in my thoughts and prayers Nicole. I hope all went well with your doctor today so tonight you may enjoy a peaceful sleep ❤

  9. May your worries prove to be groundless. May healing, love, and support fill your day…may you be well, may you be happy…you are loved….

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