“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
―
Hey, Lovelies.
So, here I am in the gutter. But I’m still looking up at the stars.
I’d forgotten just how awful it can be to take medications and herbs designed to kill stuff inside you.
It kinda feels like it’s killing ME too.
And, to be honest, I do this to myself a lot. Tell myself before I start something that it won’t be so bad. After which I begin, and it ends up being so much more worse than just bad.
Out of all of that unrealistic optimism has come a coping superpower I didn’t know existed.
Maybe it can help you too.
Here’s the thing… Even when things are stupidly bad. When you are broken and smashed and lying in a puddle on the floor. (Or maybe it’s not your body that’s smashed, it’s your heart. Or maybe it’s not your heart that’s smashed but your ego, or your finances, or your relationship, or your friendship, or your hopes and dreams.) Even then…
Even then you can find moments in the misery. Moments when the pain isn’t so bad and just for that moment you can focus on the beauty that is still all around you.
I learned this years ago, one night in a hospital, when we all really thought I would be dead by the next morning.
I decided I didn’t have time to waste on misery. I wanted to look at the stars, not the reality of the gutter.
How beautiful those first streaky fingers of morning light were. How magical the flowers in the field across the road. How full my heart was when I thought about Ben and my love for my family.
Even as I thought it was all over.
Now, on my crappy days (and they are many, not just while I am on this current treatment regime), I focus on the moments that slow me down and help my soul be anchored in the stars instead of the mud.
For me today it was a Whipbird’s cry.
It was the fluffy golden clouds just after sunrise and the way the trunks of the trees became golden in the light too.
It was that first nausea-busting sip of genmaicha tea with freshly sliced ginger root in my favourite mug.
It was Rufie Dog smiling at me with such love, and then putting his paw on my knee.
It was the relief of a shower and fresh pyjamas.
It was the accomplishment of managing to tick off a small goal on my to-do list.
It was my sister sending me a funny picture of a misnamed file.
It was Ben kissing my forehead and squeezing my hand.
There were many good moments amidst the current misery of pain and nausea and vomit and shit.
I’m a fan of unrealistic optimism. Because to be optimistic is sometimes unrealistic. Still, I encourage you to be optimistic anyway. To look for the good, and the magical, and the beautiful.
It’s always there. Even in our misery. And in our misery is when we need it most.
Sending love to you, and strength for the journey, Nicole
PS – Do you know the iconic cry of the Eastern Whipbird? It’s a cracking good sound – so loud in its reverberation, and it comes from quite a small bird who is otherwise shy and notoriously hard to spot. I hope you enjoy this little glimpse of them. We have a nesting pair in the forest near our back deck. Magical!
