A Message To Your Stompy Cranky Self-Sabotaging Inner Five-Year-Old!

“Sometimes defiance is all we have.” 
Stan Grant

Hello,
Today I don’t want to talk to you, dear friend. I want to talk to that stompy cranky five-year-old who dwells defiantly inside you. I want to talk to that inner child of yours because I can see you two are having problems.

You want to do yoga, but your inner five-year-old wants to binge on Netflix and pizza. You want to work on your project, but your inner five-year-old would rather line up all your shoes in order of colour and style. You have a deadline and suddenly your inner five-year-old is sooooo sleepy that you can’t concentrate. Oh, wait! Your pal just called and invited you to the movies. Your inner five-year-old who was too tired to work is suddenly raring to go and ready for a big night out.

The grown-up you is blaming yourself for all of this self-sabotage. I can hear how meanly you’re talking to yourself, blaming yourself, being down on yourself.

And no-one’s listening to that inner child at all.

Why would your inner child go off the rails and make you do the opposite of all the things you know are good for you or that need to be done even if they are no fun?

That is why I want to talk to your inner five-year-old-child directly.

Here goes…

Hello, Little Friend. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so trapped, so bored, so not listened to. I understand that you are tired of being told what to do all the time. I’m sorry that your life feels like an endless to-do list of chores that leave no room for fun or friends or goofing off or being tired when you’re tired instead of having to keep being busy.

No wonder you’re sabotaging everything your Big Self is trying to do!

But can you do me a favour? Why not try and be friends? Why not let your Big Self do yoga, and then let the Little You have a frozen nice-cream cone afterwards? Why not help your Big You do this month’s bookwork and then settle down on the couch together with Netflix?

And maybe, when your Big You feels a little relieved, or less guilty, or more tidy or more organised or more healthy – because you’ve helped them to take a step towards what they think will help them – maybe after that you can both talk about including more of the things that Little You knows are good for your soul too.

Maybe after a good yoga session you can help your Big You face the fact that the job she’s doing is crushing her soul, or that her partner is mean and will never treat her well. I know you have a lot of wisdom inside you, Little Friend, because you see things as they really are, not as the Big You wants them to be, or fears them to be.

I also know that you understand what makes the Big You light up, what excites her and makes her happy, what makes her soul sing, and what direction her feet want to take her in.

All this foot-stompy cranky self-sabotaging behaviour is making both of you miserable. It’s time to kiss and make up, be best friends again and help each other out.

Your poor Big Self thinks it’s all her fault – that she is lazy and lacking in will-power and commitment and self-discipline. She doesn’t understand that wise Little You is having this temper tantrum because no-one is listening to what you have to say. Imagine how much happier and empowered you will be when you begin working as a team again.

Hugs to you both, Little Friend and Big Friend. You’ve got this. I can’t wait to see what comes next for you!
All my love, Nicole  xx

Image from embracingjoy.com

PS – June Workshops and Pop Up Shop:
If you’re looking for some extra support for your spiritual journey come check out my upcoming Pop Up Shop, Channelling Night and One Day Workshops in Brisbane 29 June to July. On Saturday June 30 I’ll be teaching Foundation Spiritual Practices (the things I used to develop my own psychic and intuitive skills, self-awareness and compassion), and on Sunday July 1 I’ll teach Meditation and Mala Making (this second workshop is brilliant if you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, stuck or suffering from anxiety or depression). No matter what level you’re at I’ll have something for you on my program. More details here!

All details are on my EVENTS tab at the top of my blog post or here at this link.

What’s Really Going On, Nicole?

NicoleFluffyJacket

“Once you become self-conscious, there is no end to it; once you start to doubt, there is no room for anything else.”
~ Mignon McLaughlin

 

I’ve had a cranky few days.

I could explain it away as lack of sleep – too much noisy koala sex outside my bedroom window keeping me awake all night – but that would not be it. A contributing factor? Sure. But still, I know my own mind.

Which is why I have a handy question for such instances.

‘What’s really going on, Nicole?’

That’s what I ask myself. Because I know that I know…

So, yesterday, I asked myself, ‘What’s really going on, Nicole?’

‘Oh, just shut up!’ I told myself in my best cranky voice. ‘Leave me alone. I’m just tired. I’m just busy. That’s all.’

The word ‘just’ is a huge red flag for me. It’s my cop-out word. It’s my loaded word. It’s nothing… It’s just…

It’s just that I’m obviously avoiding some big fat thing that I don’t want to talk about.

Hmmmm.

Does that sound familiar to you?

Are you sniffing, and flicking your hair, and shaking your head, and turning away, and saying ‘Fine, I’m just fine…’ at something too?

It’s no good living with a stompy five-year-old in my head having a temper tantrum. That’s not how I want my year to be. 2016, among other things, is about bringing what is hidden into the light. It’s about owning our shadow, and the unclaimed and rejected parts of ourselves, our families, our societies.

I decided to make a pot of tea and do some journalling using a technique called Left Hand Right Hand Dialogue for connecting to that cranky inner child.

 

Let me show you what followed:

Big Nicole: ‘Hi, Little Nicole’ I asked with my dominant hand. ‘What’s really going on?’

Little Nicole: ‘Your planner is dumb!’ I responded with my non-dominant hand, in words so cranky they made stab holes in the page.

Big Nicole: Surprised, (I love my Planner and have been using this method for years) I asked ‘Why do you feel that way?’

Little Nicole: ‘I don’t want to do it. I don’t like it. It’s stupid.’

Big Nicole: ‘Why don’t you like it?’

Little Nicole: ‘I don’t want to do it. I don’t want to have to do that thing.’

I immediately experienced a sinking feeling in my stomach. My stupid Planner. Yep. It’s four days into January and I still haven’t chosen or brainstormed my One Big Thing.

Except.

Actually.

I have.

Last year when I was working with Bek, my graphic designer, she asked for an example of a mind-map that we could use as an illustration in my Planner. I happily obliged, telling myself, ‘I’ll just choose this thing, because it’s a good example, and it’s not really my One Big Thing. ‘Next year I’ll choose something different. Something business-y. Or health. Or… something.’

Here’s that thing I keep avoiding.

mind map

What’s really going on, Nicole?

Shut up, alright. I just don’t want to do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People will know I’m weird. I won’t be able to take it back once it’s been said. People will judge me. I’ll be laughed at. Rejected.

It won’t be good enough.

I won’t be good enough.

I don’t want to do it.

Except that I really do. It’s the thing I care about so much. Every time I think about the manuscript, finished and needing editing and sitting in my bottom drawer. Every time I think about it, or avoid thinking about it, or do it, or actively avoid doing it, Black Cockatoos fly over my farm, squawking loudly. My Aunties, encouraging me. Reminding me. I am this thing. I need to be this thing.

That’s what my Aunties told me about Black Cockatoos, all those years ago as I sat in the dirt in a circle of wise Aboriginal Women.

“Dis fella keep you company too. Remind you of your black sisters, up here in dis country. Even when you leave and go far, far from here, dese black fella birds and their yella-tailed cousins will find you. Sing to you and say ‘Remember, Remember,’ No way we let you forget. Dat story in you now. You belong part of our family now.”

“One day you live somewhere, you call dat country home. Smell like dis place. Earth. Sea. But make you happy again. We send all dem black fella birds remind you your promise. Remind you your story. Then you know it’s time. Time to be dat story. Live dat story in your heart. Live your true Dreaming.”

 

Already, people who are working with my Planner have been sending me encouraging messages about my memoir. Because I used that stupid example, and it’s there on the page for everyone to see.

Have I started it yet? they ask. Can’t wait to read it!

Do you need an accountability buddy?

??????????????????????????

Bugger.

Today I will sit with my Planner and map out how to properly make my memoir my One Big Thing.

I’m not resisting now. I’ve had my little moment. It’s time to own this thing in me. To own my story and put it out into the world. And then move on to something else.

I am what I am. My ‘Otherness’ is what shapes me. It will all be okay.

I highly recommend asking yourself the question.

What’s really going on?

Examining stuckness, resistance and repressed emotion is always a good thing. Bring that which is hidden out into the Light.

book

Simple Antidotes to Resentment

“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” ~ Carrie Fisher

Resentment – it’s a corrosive emotion that causes damage to the container, no matter how cautiously  you try to hold it in.

Why do we get resentful? You might not have ever been consciously aware of it, but resentment always comes down to time.  We feel resentful when we believe we’ve wasted time on something or someone.

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Most of us start out in a relationship or activity giving willingly of our time.  In fact, all of us have been in situations where we consciously choose to put our own needs, wants or interests to one side BECAUSE of what we consider to be a higher priority. We want to invest in a new relationship, we want the person we love to achieve their dreams, we want to give a new job our best shot, we want to give everything we can to the raising of our children.  We make sacrifices. And at the start we are glad to do that, even though it means we move into a place of imbalance.

But over time, if we don’t begin get a pay-off for the sacrifice we’re making (enough money, appreciation, acknowledgement etc) we start to get that niggly uncomfortable feeling that reminds us we are off our path.  In fact, if we are still neglecting the things that are important to us longer term, even if we are now well remunerated or appreciated, resentment will show up in our lives.

As a society we deal with resentment in one of three main ways, and usually in this order:

  1. We swallow it down and become a ‘martyr’, carrying on in our unfulfilling life and always putting others first.  We keep a lid on resentment, or worse: begin to live a colourless formless life that is all about function and never about heart or art.
  2. We simmer with anger and crankiness, which pops up unexpectedly in our lives as over-the-top reactions to people and situations, or as passive aggression.  We develop a fondness for muttering under our breath or closing doors just a little too hard.
  3. We slide into depression, despair and apathy.  We begin to give up on ourselves and our dreams.  We lose faith in ourselves and our abilities.

So what are we going to do about it?

If you suspect that you are burdened with resentment in any area of your life I’m going to ask you to do something radical.

Stop for a minute, and invite Resentment to come have a chat with you.  Don’t be intimidated by them, or scared.  Resentment looks like a five year old stompy-footed version of yourself…

Image from www.sheknows.com

Image from www.sheknows.com

The stompy-footed five year old inside you is very clear about what’s not working in your life right now, so why not let them get it all off their chest.

The best way to work with your Inner Child directly is to have a conversation between the Big You, and the Little You. You can do this through what is known as Left Hand – Right Hand Dialogue. It’s an easy thing to do! Simply find some different coloured pens or pencils. Use your dominant hand (the one you usually write with) to be the Big You, the conscious awareness of you as an adult. Choose one pen for this hand. Then use your non-dominant hand to represent your Little You, and let that hand pick a pen, or pens to write the responses.

Have your Big You write a question for your Little You, and then let your Little You respond. The writing will be awkward, so don’t worry about spelling or vocabulary. What you’ll get is honesty, and love, and isn’t that all we really ever need to get clear about life?

Here are some suggested questions to use with your Inner Child work:

  • Why are we so angry?
  • What’s the worst thing about right now?
  • What would we prefer to be doing?
  • What would make us happier?

Of course, your Inner Child will have a list of hurts and complaints, but don’t expect it to be all everyone else’s fault.  Your Inner Child has a lucidity and an honesty that will get right to the heart of your situation, and it might not be what you think!

I’ll share an example from my own life (about fifteen years ago) at a time when I was just starting to get hugely busy with my spiritual and psychic work.  I still had a corporate communication business, but my spiritual work was taking more and more of my time. I was becoming ‘very professional’ and ‘successful’ as a psychic, and my quiet love had become a business in its own right.  I was also feeling a little burned out, and my initial enthusiasm was waning:

Big Nicole: Hi Little Nicole, why are you so cranky right now?

Little Nicole: It’s just not fair! We never have fun anymore.  You only ever use your cards for the other people.  When do we get to play with them?  Why don’t we just play with the crystals like we used to, or go sit in the garden with all the fairies? You’re always too busy. I hate that. And Mr X is so mean and stupid to you at work.  It doesn’t even pay good money!!!

 

Oh.  I hadn’t expected that. I thought the problem was that my husband left his dirty dishes on the counter and could never get them into the dishwasher.  I thought it was my never-shrinking to-do list and the things I never got time to get to. I thought it was all these other things…

When you have finished writing with your Inner Child, go make yourself a cup of tea or get a nice cold drink (yes, take the time to have a five minute disconnect from the process you just worked with – you  need to be firmly back in your adult brain for this next bit ) and then sit down and read over what you wrote.

Your Inner Child has given you a magical list of resentment remedies.  Take a pen and underline the important parts of what they said to you.

Little Nicole: It’s just not fair! We never have fun anymore.  You only ever use your cards for the other people.  When do we get to play with them?Why don’t we just play with the crystals like we used to, or go sit in the garden with all the fairies? You’re always too busy. I hate that. And Mr X is so mean and stupid to you at work.  It doesn’t even pay good money!!!

Now you need to put your Inner Child’s guidance into action. Start by finding some small windows of time just for you. Following my own Inner Child’s advice I gave myself the gift of ten minutes (that’s nothing! – anyone can find ten minutes!!!) each morning to choose a daily card, reflect and write a few insights, and play with my crystal collection.  One day a week I took a half-hour walk out in nature. Even though the amount of time I was gifting back to myself was small it made a huge positive change in the sense of freedom and expansion in my everyday world.

Little Nicole was also right about the mean man – I had a corporate client who was hugely demanding, calling me at home on weekends and expecting me to work 20 hour days to complete projects to his insane deadlines.  I finished my contract with his organisation and walked away, knowing that I had enough clients to work at my spiritual ‘job’ full time.

And I asked my husband to please put his plates in the dishwasher, and after asking him, he did!

My resentment melted away because I was honouring my own needs and making space for them in my life.

We feel resentment when there is not enough time for our own dreams and interests.  Of course our resentment will find a place to focus our attention, so we end up thinking it’s our annoying boss, or our ungrateful husband, or our demanding children who are ruining our lives.  But in fact, it was us and our choices all along. And in the beginning we were happy with those choices.

By making time for ourselves  and our dreams, our lives become more fulfilling and sustainable – and we find that the unbearable becomes tolerable again.  We might even regain our zest for the things that are currently dragging us down.

Resentment always has simple antidotes.  It is about reclaiming a corner of your life for YOU!  Life is short, and precious.  Don’t taint it with resentment – it’s just not worth it.  There’s always a better way.  Today I’m holding the intention that you find clarity, and the courage to take action to make your life more aligned with your Soul.  ❤ Much love to you xx

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A week-long course in journalling – Day 6

How do you know what your deepest truth is, especially when you spend too much time in your head? There are the things we tell ourselves to be true, and things we know and believe, and this information is readily accessible to us.  In fact we’ve already tapped into it in Day 4‘s journalling work. It sits in our mind, at the front of our conscious awareness.

But there is also a great source of truth hidden within us, residing in our subconscious and unconscious mind.  How do we access that information?

Day 6 – Inner Child Work; Left Hand Right Hand Dialogue

Often we think that the best way to find guidance is to look to someone older and more experienced, or a Guide, Angel, God or our Higher selves.  There is, however, a wonderful source of Guidance within you, known as your Inner Child.  This is the refreshingly honest, loving and very caring part of you who can tell you with all the affront and careful attention of a five year old, what’s really going on in other parts of you. (This image by photostock)

There is a great wisdom that dwells within you, and it has the purity, honesty and integrity of a child...

The best way to work with your Inner Child is to have a conversation between the Big You, and the Little You.  You can do this through what is known as Left Hand – Right Hand Dialogue.  It’s an easy thing to do!

Task for the day:

Take out your journal and some different coloured pens or pencils.  Use your dominant hand (the one you usually write with) to be the Big You, the conscious awareness of you as an adult.  Choose one pen for this hand.  Then use your non-dominant hand to represent your Little You, and let that hand pick a pen, or pens to write with. (image by posterize)

Have your Big You write a question for your Little You, and then let your Little you respond.  The writing will be awkward, and please don’t worry about spelling or vocabulary. Just let the writing flow and trust… What you’ll get is honesty, and love, and isn’t that all we really ever need to get started?  You can do this to work on problems and blockages in your life, and you can even get your Little you to draw and create works of art.  Enjoy experimenting!

If you’d like to keep working with this technique:

Using coloured crayons or pens, have your Inner Child do a drawing of you with your non-dominant hand. (another lovely image by Stuart Miles)

Then use a left hand, right hand dialogue as described above, to ask your Little You questions about what the drawing represents, and any advice they have to give concerning this. Inner Children are very opinionated about what you need and why, and their advice will always come straight from the heart.

My own Inner Child Work has reminded me of the importance of spiritual work just for me, of the need to move my body and spend time in nature, and encouraged me when I need to spend more time playing with my dogs. ♥

Be prepared for some surprises!  This is a great technique for working with health and diet, career, relationships and so on.  And it may bring to the surface things you’d never even thought of!

Wishing you joy in your day, and a journal full of self-discovery. Bless xoxo