How Controversial Should I Be?

“But I know, somehow, that only when it is dark enough can you see the stars.” 
~ Martin Luther King, Jr.

I was working with a client a few days ago, and the topic rolled around to suicide.

She had been suicidal once, at a truly difficult time in her life. With therapy and support her life has now moved beyond the worst of the pain and back to a place of balance. But there is no-one to talk with about what happened, she said, now that she no longer pays a therapist to listen. And she worries people will think she is still in that space if she tries to talk about it with friends or family.

‘I understand,’ I said to her.

‘How could you?’ she answered crossly. ‘Only people who’ve been there understand. I mean REALLY understand.’

‘I can feel into your body, and step inside you where you met that pain head-on. So yes, I can understand it from inside you – as a psychic,’ I said, ‘but I also understand. Me. I understand.’ I said those last words more slowly this time, weighting each one.

‘No way,’ she said. ‘You? I don’t believe it.’ She looked genuinely shocked.

‘It’s true.’ I looked her in the eye. ‘I have stood in that place twice, and both times it was unexpected. Each place was a different planet I hope never to go back to. Both times I found a solution that ultimately kept me here. And you’re right. No-one ever talks about this stuff.’

We were out of time, and this was about me now, not about her.

‘Maybe you could blog about it,’ she said to me as we finished up. ‘I would have found that useful, to have known someone like you could have had feelings like me. I mean, I was so f*cked up and broken and ashamed…’ She paused. ‘To have read that, to read that now, would still be helpful. So, could you?’

What do you think, dear Tribe? I’ve written about being psychic and being incontinent and all other manner of personal over-sharing. Should I break this taboo too?

I’ll be guided by you.

Much love, Nicole xx

The Joy Of Old Friends


“Make new friends, but don’t forget the old. One is silver, the other is gold. ” ~ Joyce Cody (My Nana, from my Autograph book, 1976)

I’ve had a dear friend staying at the farm these past days. She’s someone I’ve known since school. Someone who knew me before Ben, before my first serious boyfriends, before the openly psychic stuff, before illness, before so many of the big events of my life. When we met we were still children and we were both young, idealistic and clever. We made big plans for our lives and we expected that nothing would stop us. Any barriers? We’d just work through or bust through them. We were eighties women – it was what we did.

Who would have thought, all those years ago, as we stayed at each other’s houses and grew to know each other’s families, that one day we would still be friends and that the lives we thought we would have for ourselves would look so very different to how they have turned out?

Who would have expected there to be so much suffering between then and now? So much pain? So much strong outer appearance accompanied by inner upheaval and doubt? So much joy? So much unexpected wisdom and grace? So much music and books and laughter and travel? So much growth? So much love?

And seriously, who would EVER have thought that 1980s high-waisted jeans, undercuts, plaid and shoulder pads would be back in style?

When my Nana wrote that quote in my Autograph Book (remember those!) all those years ago I thought it was a bit dumb – as you would at age nine. But at fifty I finally get it. Nana was right after all. New friends are silver, old friends are gold.

To share memories, common history and a deeper sense of knowing about each other is a rare, powerful and special gift. But don’t worry if you don’t have someone like that in your life right now. True friends may not always walk in step with you. Your life paths may draw you away from each other and then back together again over the course of your life.

The rest of 2019 is wonderful for all kinds of reconnection, so if you’ve been thinking about someone from your past, or a loved one with whom you lost touch don’t be afraid to instigate contact. At worst nothing will happen, or you’ll find you grew apart. That’s okay. You will have lost nothing by trying. But somewhere you may find gold, and that gold will be precious and wonderful for you both.

Hugs and love, Nicole ❤ xx