After work, rest!

“Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” 
~  John Lubbock

 

This morning I’m not blogging.

I’m sleeping.

Sleeping is healing, and right now what I need more than blogging is rest. After my recent illness I’ve come back to work part-time – but it’s more tiring than I had expected. Guess I still need to take it easy for a while longer.

Remember that this week’s energies are all about balance and paying attention to what will have a positive or negative impact upon your life. (read more about that here)

How about you? What do you most need right now?
I hope you’re listening to your body and your intuition, and honouring yourself and your own inner wisdom.

See you tomorrow, when I am well rested and with a zing in my step again.

Lots of love, Nicole xoxo

 

 

Chakra Journal Challenge Postponed Until Tomorrow Because…

“Blown up a toilet? We’ve never blown up a toilet.”
“Great idea though, thanks, Mum.”
~ J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

 

Sorry, Lovelies,

Today’s blog is now an apology instead of an installment of our Chakra Journal Challenge.

You see, Ben and I can’t seem to shift this wretched stomach bug. So we finally went back to the doctor. Who ordered a gazillion tests.

Some of which we’re doing this morning.

And some of which took all of yesterday afternoon, after which I put myself straight to bed.

I’m fine as long as I don’t eat or drink. And that’s not a game plan for the long term.

Anyway, fingers crossed that I’ll be back on deck later today, and that blogging will be back to normal tomorrow, and my stomach soon after that!

Hugs and love, Nicole <3 xoxo

 

A Me Update

Image from ibnlive.in.com

Image from ibnlive.in.com

“Solar Eclipse

Each morning
I wake invisible.

I make a needle
from a porcupine quill,
sew feet to legs,
lift spine onto my thighs.

I put on my rib and collarbone.

I pin an ear to my head,
hear the waxwing’s yellow cry.
I open my mouth for purple berries,
stick on periwinkle eyes.

I almost know what it is to be seen.

My throat enlarges from anger.
I make a hand to hold my pain.

My heart a hole the size of the sun’s eclipse.
I push through the dark circle’s
tattered edge of light.

All day I struggle with one hair after another
until the moon moves from the face of the sun
and there is a strange light
as though from a kerosene lamp in a cabin.

I pun on a dress,
a shawl over my shoulders.

My threads knotted and scissors gleaming.

Now I know I am seen.
I have a shadow.

I extend my arms,
dance and chant in the sun’s new light.

I put a hat and coat on my shadow,
another larger dress.
I put on more shawls and blouses and underskirts
until even the shadow has substance”
~ Diane Glancy

 

It’s been easy, in recent weeks, to forget for hours at a time, or even days, that beneath my skin lurk a host of bacteria. Lyme, bartonella, babesia and some other nameless beasts. They drill through the flesh and fluids of my interior. Many have been killed over these past two years as I have flooded my body with antibiotics, herbs and essential oils. But not all.

It’s the ones that remain which are so bothersome. Some have not been well targeted by any protocols I’ve yet undertaken. Others have cleverly changed form. They deconstruct parts of me and then rebuild themselves with pieces of my DNA, rendering themselves invisible to my immune system. They slough their cell walls and then slip into my own cells soundlessly, hidden from view. Hidden from drugs. Hidden from so many kinds of treatment.

These past weeks I haven’t thought much about all of these pesky invaders. Instead, I’ve tasted normal. I’ve known delights lost to me for so long I’d feared I’d never know a time for them again.

My body is stronger. My mind is working better. My immune function is the best it has been in years. So my docs asked if I felt ready for a round or two of more aggressive drug treatment before I went back to gentler, more natural methods of healing. Intuitively for me it was a yes – before I even got my bloods back. Yes. Ready. So, we began last week.

I’m lucky – I had the luxury of some free time before I need to be functioning well again for work. Weeks I had slated for writing time and a holiday before I gear up for my next retreats became the perfect opportunity for embarking on new treatment adventures. I knew this was right timing. It all seemed to fall so easily into place for me.

Except that I’d conveniently forgotten just how horrible such treatment adventures can be.

Oh.

My.

Goodness.

It started with vomiting and pain. My body did not like the drugs. Or what they were doing to me.

The misery ramped up as the bacteria within me began to die. Glands the size of golf balls. Night sweats. Fevers. Chills. Seizures. A tongue that rolled around in my head unable to grasp at words, or to make much more sense than a drunk. A brain on holiday. Night and day merged, hours merged. It got messy. Really messy.

Then there was the pain.

I’d forgotten about the pain, and how bad it can be. Body pain. Nerve pain. Brain pain. How did I ever live with this pain before? This loss of function? This rendering of myself into a million screaming and incoherent fragments?

There have been other delights too. Loss of vision. Confusion. Immense fatigue. The kind of fatigue where it takes all you have to lift your head from the bed, or to track your eyes across a room. Indignities such as loss of bladder control. Streaming eyes and nose. Rashes and shakes and parts of me misbehaving, no matter what my brain was bidding that body part to do.

Everything that had become easy was suddenly hard again.

But I know it’s not for long.

I know it’s just for this short window of time, after which this current treatment will end and I’ll step back, regroup and allow my body time for healing and rehabilitation.

There’s not one pill that will fix this. Not one magic bullet. I have thirty years of complex bacterial infection. On top of that, all of the chaos and damage those infections have caused to my brain, my organs, my central nervous system and hormonal systems.

What I’m doing to heal my lyme and co-infections is working. My results prove that. My daily life proves that. But it has taken a lot of gritted jaw to get through this last round of drugs and I have a few more weeks to go. Although I pray I am through the worst of it now.

I’ll tell myself that anyway. Just like I always do…

This is what life is. It’s what I’ve learned over time. Life is ups and downs. Mysteries. Breakthroughs. Dead ends. Wrong turns. Wrong turns that lead to the right places. Breathe in, breathe out. Place one foot in front of the other. Rest. Keep going. Keep growing.

In the ten days I have been on this new treatment three lymies (people with late stage lyme disease) I know have taken their lives. Too much pain, too much damage, not enough support, no access to adequate doctors or treatment, no light at the end of the tunnel, and they each reached the end of their respective ropes.

I understand that space. There have been times over the years – even the last two – when I have sat on that same bench, and had that same conversation with myself and those closest to me.

It puts my own illness into perspective, my treatment into perspective, my recovery into perspective.

I won’t do myself or this illness the disrespect of rendering the lyme journey down into a handful of trite new age slogans. Loving my disease, making peace with myself, loving myself – they’re all noble and worthwhile sentiments, and I honestly do my best. But how many people who got hit by a bus or a dose of MRSA from a hospital stay, or a life-threatening bout of meningococcal disease get those flags waved at them? Who of them would be expected to be healed by the simple waving of a crystal, the chanting of an affirmation or a thorough investigation of their past lives?

For me, a wholistic approach to healing means using intelligent diagnosis and solutions – a range of traditional and alternative treatments. Science. Ancient and modern. Spiritual practice. Drugs. Energy medicine. Herbs. Oils. Intuition. Food as medicine. Doctors and practitioners who use their brains in an investigative manner, allowing space for curiosity and open-mindedness, and a synergy of puzzle pieces. I expect that to be my own practice too. Of course there is room for magic and miracles, of course there is learning to be had. I’m open to it all.

Thanks for all your well wishes, and I’m sorry if my silence had you concerned. But you know me by now. Whenever I’m quiet so long there is always something going on.

I’m busy getting well. That’s what’s going on. Messy business, but I’m making progress, and things will be back to some semblance of normal here just as soon as I have the energy for it all.

Sending so much love your way, Nicole xx

Image from emiliesquotes.com

Image from emilysquotes.com

 

Shhhh… I’m On Writing Retreat

“The scariest moment is always just before you start.”
~ Stephen King, On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft

 

Shhhh… I’m on writing retreat.

Well, writing boot camp, actually.

So, hilariously, I’m writing this post to tell you that I have no time to write a post today.

Because I’m writing.

Me and a bunch of other happy Boot Campers, and our awesome teacher, Doctor Kim.

Yesterday, and today, and tomorrow I’m writing.

Not blog stuff. Other stuff. Book stuff.

(You can see how great a writer I am by how much I use the word ‘stuff’.)

Expect that the next few days will be posts of randomness, induced by so much other writing stuff going on in my brain.

On another note, how very exciting it is for a Lymie like me (Lymie being slang for one who suffers from Lyme Disease) to actually be well enough, and to have a working-enough brain to even BE at a writers’ gig.

It has been years since my brain has worked so efficiently.

Although I may have just destroyed all credibility with my fondness for the work ‘stuff’…

Anyway, I digress. Writing Time.

I hope you get to do something you love this weekend too.

Lots of love, Nicole xx

Image from Invisible Ink

Image from Invisible Ink

No Blog Due to Dinosaur

IMG_0213.JPG

I am unable to blog this morning, owing to the fact that I am still in bed, trapped under a blue triceratops. Also, Lyme…

Sorry, I’ve had a rotten night. And I have one eye that refuses to cooperate.

Normal blogging should resume tomorrow.

A Quick Update On Me!

Image from Modern Kiddo

Image from Modern Kiddo

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.” 
― T.F. Hodge

“A bruise is a lesson… and each lesson makes us better.” 
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ” 
― Goldie Hawn

 

Hi Lovelies, I thought I’d better update you on why I’ve been so quiet…

One of the drugs I’ve been on for my Lyme treatment has an unfortunate side effect in some people of shortening and stiffening ligaments and tendons. As they lose their elasticity they become prone to tears and rupture.

A few weeks ago I tore ligaments in my right knee as I was getting into bed. It’s healing, slowly, but it has certainly slowed me down. Then on Monday night after I came home from my Lyme Doctor I had a tear and a bleed in my left Achilles tendon caused by Harry the dog bumping into me.

Rolling over in bed a few nights later I ripped ligaments in my right shoulder and injured tendons in my right thumb.

I would not be lying to say that right now I’m feeling a little over it. 🙁 If I were really truthful, I might even admit to having indulged in a full-on howly little emotional breakdown for a minute or two.

So for now I am on bed rest, being well looked after, and trying not to injure myself further until these drugs get out of my system.

I’m also not having such a fun time on the new ligament-friendly lyme meds I’m on either (think vomiting, pain, blurred vision and misery) although that’s a whole other story…

But on an up note I AM getting better. It’s just a lesson in patience right now, like typing this blog with my left hand so at least it’s done, even if it is a very slow process.

This morning my mum rang, and gently suggested I should try and blog something, anything, just to let you all know that I am okay.

I am mostly okay. 🙂 Really.

Forgive me if my blogging remains a bit erratic until I get my body under control. We’re working on it, but like most things, it shall take time. Still, I’m already feeling a bit brighter. Fingers crossed this uphill trend shall continue. I’ll post as I can, so stay tuned.

Thinking of you and sending love, Nicole xx

PS – here’s a useful little quote for times like these:

o-INSPIRATIONAL-QUOTES-facebook

Sorry, I didn’t Blog!

Vintage Fuzzy Felt Hospital by I Heart Vintage

Vintage Fuzzy Felt Hospital by I Heart Vintage

“My head aches, my eyes burn, my arms and legs have given up, and my face in the mirror has a grayish cast. The bed, across the room, calls in its unmistakable lover’s croon, Come to me, come, only I can make you truly happy, oh, how happy I’ll make you, don’t resist, remember how you moan with pleasure the instant we touch…..”
~ Lynne Sharon Schwartz, Fatigue Artist

It had to happen.

I’ve been travelling so well these past weeks. Feeling almost normal, almost human, almost well.

And then I began to herx. That thing Lyme sufferers do when the bacteria inside you die off with a flourish, dumping toxins and misery into your systems.

Herxing is a good thing – it means that all of these wretched pathogens are being slaughtered by my heavy-duty drug regime and shall bother me no more. Once I get past their death throes…

So I went to bed on Saturday afternoon, and am only emerging now, on Monday (hahaha, have just been pointed out that I’ve missed a whole extra day!) Tuesday morning after a fever-soaked delirious haze of agony. I’m wrung out and I feel like I’ve been run over by a bulldozer, but weirdly, I’m happy.

My mind is clear, and I can feel a huge shift. I’m crossing off more of that Lyme Load on my return to health. And I’m ready for a drug re-adjustment, which shall happen at my doctors’ meeting next Monday.

We’ll return to normal blogging tomorrow. Right now, I’m taking my cup of tea and going back to bed.

Much love to you all, Nicole xx

Crossing off pathogens! - Image from Zooner

Crossing off pathogens! – Image from Zoonar

Excuses for not blogging…

“It is better to offer no excuse than a bad one.” 
~ George Washington

 

There’s a reason why I am not blogging today. Honest!

Aliens visited my farm and I needed to make them scones and tea…

A giant spider invaded my home town via the disused railway line…

Image from www.lotro.com

Image from www.lotro.com

I got a bit caught up…

I was having tea with the Queen…

Image from Hello Magazine

Image from Hello Magazine

But don’t worry. I’ll be back tomorrow with something fabulous.

Unless I get trapped in a multi-dimensional portal or Elvis drops over for dinner…

Much love to you, ♥ Nicole xx

Image from Elvis Party

Image from Elvis Party