Soul Journeying OR You Are More Than Your Earthsuit

Image from tv3.lt

“Life’s journey doesn’t start on the highest mountain peak where a clear view of the trail ahead, obstacles and all, is laid out for us to observe before setting foot on the path. No. Life’s journey begins on a low road, in a valley, or even down inside a pit where the trail beyond can only be seen in short stretches, and any obstacles are met as they come. This makes life trying, even scary at times. Have faith that God gave you this life, and hence it is worth seeing through to the end of the trail.” 
Richelle E. GoodrichSlaying Dragons

 

Hello, lovely friends,

I’ve been thinking very deeply about the private responses you’ve sent me in the past few days. Messages about your secret shames and fears, your despair about not being able to overcome a health issue, or your limitations due to illness or living with a partner or child with an illness, or some other deep-seated issue or problem that has left you feeling unable to be all you hoped you could be.

There was a theme amidst your messages that deeply resonated with me, because it was my own theme for so very long: I am not worthy – I am not worthy and even worse I cannot follow my path…

I am not worthy because I am ill or disabled or afflicted or depressed or anxious or traumatised or unable to get out from under whatever is weighing me down. I can’t share my problems because they make me feel like a failure. They are shameful. I am shameful. I cannot follow my path because I am ill or afflicted or exhausted or broken or unable to do it the way that I wanted to. I have my life on hold and I am waiting for this thing to be fixed, even though I’ve been trying to fix it myself for so long. Or I’m broken from trying and I am ashamed that I have now given up. I am waiting to walk my path. I am waiting to be ready for my spiritual journey. I am waiting to find my gifts or share them.

Dear ones, if that in any way resonates, my words today are for you.

The soul journey happens despite what is going on in our lives. In fact, it’s often because life becomes difficult that a yearning awakens for a more spiritual path. It doesn’t matter  if you’re a little broken or a lot, if your time here on earth is short, or longer and not of the quality you had hoped. Let go of the idea that this is somehow all your fault, and that you must be fixed before you can journey.

This is the journey.

I’m reaching out to you today because I need you to hear this.

You can live broken. It can still be a good life. It can still fill you up and be beautiful despite illness, pain, despair and limitation. You can create and dream and make and connect and love and laugh and adventure and matter – to yourself and to others – even if your life is not perfect, or working out the way you had planned. I know, because I have lived with pain and brokenness and despair and frustration and so many other things. And I still do.

We are souls dressed up in Earthsuits. (Yep, I’m talking about your body here!) Sometimes those suits get awfully dinged up and damaged. Life is a risky business.

But inside that suit is your soul. And souls endure, remaining shiny and unaffected by the dust and damage that your Earthsuit might have accumulated.

In fact, I think that our souls deepen and shine brighter because of the hardships our Earthsuits go through.

Please, stop beating yourself up. Stop blaming. Stop the meanness and the endless stress and self-recrimination. Stop waiting for things to change. Stop needing things to be better. Surrender to where you are. Surrender to what is. This is your one beautiful chance at this life, and it goes by in the blink of an eye. Your Earthsuit might be damaged but you are still here, and life outside your Earthsuit still holds wonder and beauty and magic if only you can allow yourself to keep feeling and experiencing and allowing, in spite of whatever else is going on for you.

You can be a healer and still be broken yourself. You can be a teacher, and never leave your home. You can be an artist or a writer or an entrepreneur and never leave your bed. You don’t need to be perfect or beautiful or young or fit or healthy or able-bodied. You can limp through life and still live it well. If you are alive, even if only just, you can think and feel and dream and you can do soulwork. You can lift yourself out of pain and isolation and back into connection, just be deciding that you’ll live anyway, despite whatever circumstances you find yourself experiencing.

You are worthy just as you are. And there is a path for you in this life that only you can take. No matter how messed up or impossible things might seem to be for you right now. Just by being alive you matter.

Soul work – that space of meditation and reflection, of connection and communion, or asking the big questions and being okay with silence or answers unexpected, that great big process of opening up to yourself and the Universe? You, my friend, are born to it. In fact, because of all this shit you have endured or are enduring, you are primed for something deeper and more meaningful in the way that your soul will journey.

So, let me give you a hug. Your journey is my journey. I’m here for you. You matter to me, and your life matters.

That world of perfect bodies and healthy happy people doing amazing things and living a life you can never have? It doesn’t even exist. It’s all just marketing. Everyone in their lifetime will experience troubles, pain, hurt, frailty and diminishment. Everyone. Most people just don’t talk about it. It’s not very Facebook or Instagram worthy.

Take a deep breath. You are where you are. And it might totally suck. But somewhere inside you is a place untouched by that pain, and perhaps made more beautiful and wise because of it. You’re a soul, and you have every right to be here, and to follow your heart. It’s why you came to Earth, despite all the risks and dangers. Be yourself anyway. Live, anyway. Do, anyway. Be, anyway. Feel, anyway. It’s worth it. All it takes is a little shift in your thinking and your life can open up again.

I love you. I’m here for you. I’m cheering you on. Nicole  xx

PS – If you want help to walk this path you can join my Year of ME membership group – a supportive place where you can belong and fit right in, just as you are (details in my shop – look for the year long course or subscription option), or come along to my Awakening to Spirituality Retreat. You’d be so welcome!

 

 

5 Simple Ways To Love Yourself Better

 

“Have the courage to love yourself like you always wished someone would.” 
~  Vironika Tugaleva

 

Everyone knows that self-love is vital to building self-esteem and self-confidence, for setting healthy boundaries and feeling good about yourself. Problem is, if you don’t feel good about yourself to start with, if you don’t like yourself much and you’re feeling pretty depressed and miserable, then trying to love yourself is like holding onto a single helium-filled birthday balloon and expecting it can fly you to Mars.  Mission Impossible!

So what do you do when your sense of self is hanging by a thread, but you just can’t make that mental leap from loathing to loving?

When loving yourself and feeling good about yourself seems impossible, then what you need to do is parent yourself. That’s where you do the things you know you need to do, even when you don’t want to, can’t be bothered, or feel that you don’t deserve to treat yourself well.

Good parents create environments where we can grow, be safe, and learn to get to know ourselves and the world around us.  They support us, provide emotional connection and support, love us and guide us until we move to a place of maturity where we can do these things for ourselves.

Even when you find it hard to love yourself, there is a wise part of your soul that intuitively knows what you need to get back to a place of balance. Your job is to let that parent part of you – the Wise Soul – make the choices for the part of you that is struggling to get on your feet and feel good again.

Image from www.linkedin.com


Here are five simple things you can do to make a start towards healing your relationship with yourself. I’ve also added suggested crystals that are supportive for each step:

1.  Decide to accept yourself right now, as you are and where you are in life. Too often we tell ourselves that we’ll like ourselves better when we’ve lost weight, found a job, left a bad relationship, found a good relationship, stopped smoking, gotten fit, or won lotto. When we put conditions on loving ourselves, we never get to that mysterious just-around-the-corner place that is forever up ahead and out of our reach.  Be honest with yourself.  If life is painful, admit that. Don’t numb yourself with alcohol, drugs, food or overwork.  Reach out for help if you’re having trouble coping, or need some new skills and strategies to make tomorrow look different to today. Best crystals for self acceptance – Tiger Eye, Blue Calcite or Rhodonite

2.  Create a safe space.  Everyone needs a place to call home, where they can relax, be themselves, and surround themselves with things that reflect their sense of self. Music, plants, posters or paintings, colours and fragrances – all of these things can help ground you and give you a sense of belonging and security.  It’s not about the objects as much as the energy they create. Start by making sure your space is clean. Dirt, mess and clutter drain you and create stagnant energy.  Clear the clutter, and then begin to make your space somewhere that is inviting, uplifting and positive. Best crystals for a sense of safety and peace – Banded Agate, Smoky Quartz, Rose Quartz, Sodalite and Snowflake Obsidian

3.  Practice respect.  Respect yourself enough to avoid, minimise your exposure to or end toxic relationships and to stop toxic behavours. Respect your body by eating well, and by exercising daily – even when it’s hard.  Especially when it’s hard and you don’t want to. That’s what parents do.  They make sure we drink enough water, eat our greens, get enough sleep, and get out of bed in the morning.  In everything that you do, ask yourself “Does this action or choice honour me?”  When we suffer from a lack of self-love it’s easy to make choices that don’t do the best by us.  In some cases we even choose things that sabotage our well-being.  Once again, if you’re really struggling here, ask for help, whether it’s a counsellor, personal trainer, rehab facility or a good friend who has your back. Great crystals healing self-sabotage and supporting self respect – Black Tourmaline, Amazonite, Yellow Turquoise, Bloodstone

4.  Find something to look forward to and work towards it, or include it in your life.  Whether it’s an overseas holiday, salsa dancing lessons, art classes or writing your life story, everyone needs to have a sense of purpose, and that purpose doesn’t have to be career related. Don’t be afraid to dream big, even if you have to start small. Best crystals for joy and connection to the flow of life – Green Aventurine, Citrine, Rose Quartz, Fluorite

5.  Spend some time in nature each day. Fresh air and sunshine has been used as a remedy for depression and to heal all manner of ills for centuries. Watching animals in nature has been proven to lower blood pressure, increase endorphins and relax tension in our muscles. Having contact with pets also helps us heal and feel better about ourselves, and teaches us responsibility for others. Best crystals for connection to nature and the earth – Jasper, Carnelian, Hematite,  Septarian Nodules, Unakite

Treat yourself with kindness today and always. Holding you in my prayers and meditations,

Nicole ❤ xx

A Note of Encouragement For You – Monday Oracle for 27 February 2017

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
~ J.K. Rowling

Hello, Lovelies.

The oracle card I have chosen to guide us this week is ‘Acceptance’ is from the Chakra Wisdom Oracle Deck by Tori Hartman.

If you read my forecast for February, you’ll remember for these last few days of the month that February is all about turning inwards, and tuning in to our own wants and needs, staying true to ourselves and our goals despite our fears or what other people may tell us. Keep that in the back of your mind as you read through the rest of this post.

So, what gifts does Acceptance bring for you this week?

This week is a week for accepting that where we are at is where we are! We cannot run away from ourselves or the truth of our current situation, even if we want to be further along in our lives, and have a head full of plans and dreams to make it so.

We are also reminded that we are enough. If we have been given a dream, we are enough and there is enough within us for us to be able to realise that dream.

We are worthy of love. We are worthy of success. We are worthy of happiness. We are worthy of redemption. No matter what has gone before, what choices we may have made or failures we may have endured, there is always hope. Life is constantly changing, and so can we.

Sometimes the realisation of our hopes and dreams starts in the most humble of ways, with steps forward that are invisible to everyone else except us.

But we can see them. That matters!

Saving an extra $5 a week, walking around the block, writing 500 words a week, putting one less sugar in your coffee, devoting an hour every Sunday to your bigger plan – none of that is dramatic or sexy or immediately life-changing. But it all adds up. Slow steady change is more likely to become transformative and sustainable than one or two crazy efforts that exhaust you and can’t be easily replicated.

Acceptance encourages us to stay true to our course, even if we can’t see results yet. It reminds us not to compare ourselves to others. It tells us not to give up on ourselves and our dreams.

Supportive crystals this week?

Carnelian will support you if you are tired, unwell or plain burned out! Add White Howlite to this if you are struggling with depression, anxiety or overwhelm. Just pop them in your pocket, or wear them somewhere on your body. They are also good to hold in meditation or to place under your pillow before sleep. If you are struggling to communicate your thoughts and ideas, or need support to speak your truth or ask for help, choose a lovely blue Sodalite! Rose Quartz if you need a boost of love, kindness and nurture.

Helpful essential oils? 

Young Living’s Joy or Common Sense essential oil blends, or  a combination (or singly!) of any of Rose, Rosemary, Lemon, Vetiver and Lavender. The Joy blend is fabulous if you are feeling anxious or uncertain, or a bit sad or stuck. It’s reassuring and uplifting; wonderful for gently shifting depression and self-doubt. I often wear it as a perfume. Common Sense oil is a super stress-buster that will help with allowing you to become clear about what you want, and to feel secure with your choices and decisions, especially around change. It’s my oil of choice in my diffuser again this week.

Holding you, as always, in my thoughts, prayers and meditations, and intending for a you a life of abundance and joy, where you are no longer limited by your doubts.

All my love,

Nicole ❤ xx

A Short But Important Message For You

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“One of the greatest regrets in life is being what others would want you to be, rather than being yourself.”
~ Shannon L. Alder

 

Every morning when I wake up I sit in meditation.

I say prayers for my family and friends, I send healing to those who need it, I send energy and love to my students, and then to the world.

After which I always think about you, dear readers, and I ask ‘What do my readers most need to know today?’ This usually helps me to write a blog post, or to prepare an activity or meditation.

Today when I asked, I got a very clear message. So clear that all I need do is record it here:

“Everyone on earth should believe that they have something to give the world which cannot otherwise be given.”

I know that this is true.

And I know that it’s a message some of you absolutely needed to be reminded of today.

So, go be you. Go be who you are and know that this is enough. To live as yourself. To act and think as yourself. To interact with others as yourself. To love as yourself. Your true self. You whole self.

Even if you have never been brave enough to be you until now.

Because it’s time.

I love you.

Go well today,

Nicole <3 xx

 

Acceptance – A Short Documentary about Owning Who You Are

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“The things that make me different are the things that make me.”  ~ A.A. Milne

“You are always welcome at my table.” ~ Nicole Cody

 

Last year I invited my friend Kerry Warnholtz to come spend some time with me as I prepared for and then ran my Chakra Wisdoms retreat.

Kerry is a talented photographer and videographer who sees the world through soulful and ever-watchful eyes. I hoped that she might be able to capture some footage and a few stills for my new website. My brief to her was that I wanted her to somehow show the love and care I put into each event that I run, and how precious each of my students is to me – how much I take that teaching and mentoring responsibility into my heart.

Kerry didn’t just capture that – she captured me – a little snapshot into my life, and the struggles I have had in coming to a place of self-acceptance. This short film speaks a lot to my WHY – why I do what I do – and I thought many of you might relate to the struggles I had in my earlier life to accept myself as I am.

What I want you to know, more than anything, is that I believe in you and that I want you to be who you are and be true to yourself. Being you is the most important thing you can do, and it’s time. The world needs us to stop pretending to be who we are not or to represent ourselves in the world as less than we are. It’s time to embrace ourselves and each other in all of our glorious diversity and similarity.

So, watch this little documentary. Come meet me at my farm, and in my life, and know that you are always welcome at my table.

You are among friends here.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me,

Nicole <3 xx

 

PS – If you want to see more of Kerry’s wonderful work you can find her at www.tsi-multimedia.com

Concluding Our Oracle Card Challenge

“The outside world can only trigger or block your experience of your true nature. Each time something beautiful takes your breath away, that’s you experiencing yourself. Each time you fall in love with someone, that’s you experiencing yourself. Each time a child’s smile gives you unspeakable joy, that’s you experiencing yourself. Your true nature is beautiful. Life is the art of rediscovering yourself, again and again, in different forms, celebrating, rejoicing, welcoming. You are beautiful. You are life itself.”
~ Vironika Tugaleva

 

Thank you so much for being part of this Oracle Card Challenge.

Now that you are familiar with using cards to help you to gain insights and direction, you can apply the methods I have shown you to work with any situation in your life where you require insight or inspiration.

 

I recommend that you use cards as a tool for clarification, rather than as an instrument of prediction. You are the force of power in your life. Within you lies the capability to steer yourself true and to make decisions and choices that are well aligned with a positive future. That future is shaped by your intentions and actions. Don’t give your power away by using cards to predict your own future, or to keep asking a question over and over until you find an answer that pleases you. All successful change comes through deliberate thought, intention and action. No matter your current circumstances, you have these things at your disposal to help bring about changes in your life.

I also recommend that you go back through your journal now, and explore each area you wrote about in more depth. Create an action plan for yourself. Decide on some priorities. Implement your plan, and watch what magic you can create in your life.

Love and hugs, Nicole <3 xx

Day 3 – Oracle Card Challenge

“What we call our destiny is truly our character and that character can be altered. The knowledge that we are responsible for our actions and attitudes does not need to be discouraging, because it also means that we are free to change this destiny. One is not in bondage to the past, which has shaped our feelings, to race, inheritance, background. All this can be altered if we have the courage to examine how it formed us. We can alter the chemistry provided we have the courage to dissect the elements.”
~ Anaïs Nin

 

My Relationship with Myself

Our relationship with ourselves is the singular most important human relationship in our lives. How well do you know yourself? Like yourself? Trust yourself? Respect yourself?

The more we improve our relationship with ourselves, the better and more honest our other relationships will become. Remember, that all we are doing is getting a position on where we are right now. Where we are can change once we put awareness and insight to our current situation. Let’s explore this further.

 

Here’s what you need to do.

Take your crystal, and complete this short guided meditation:

Hold your stone in your cupped hands, close your eyes, and slow your breathing. Bring white light into your body until you feel peaceful and calm. Then bring white light into the crystal too. Allow yourself to connect to the stone. You may feel it tingle, or visualise a colour in your mind’s eye. When you are ready, open your eyes. Keep your stone near you, and hold it when you write.

 

Now shuffle your cards, while silently asking the question to yourself ‘What is my true relationship with myself?’

When you have shuffled the cards and they feel ‘done’, select one card using the method that feels right for you.

Place the card face up in front of you.

Clear your mind by closing your eyes and taking one deep breath in and then out. Open your eyes again. Take a minute and look at the picture.

Image from www.wowoon.com

Image from www.wowoon.com

What stands out for you today? Is it an image or a colour? Is it a number or a word? What are your first impressions? What thoughts come into your mind?

Write these down in your journal.

Now let’s go a little deeper. What feelings or words does this card evoke in your mind when you think about the card and its images in relation to the question ‘What is my true relationship with myself?’ Take five minutes and write some stream-of-consciousness thoughts down. Don’t censor or judge them. Trust the process. Draw a second card for clarification if you need to.

Finally, read back over what you have written.

This may have been a difficult task for you today. If you feel emotional, sit in meditation again at the end of your session and run white light through your body and then bring pink light into your heart.

Know that you can come back and keep working on this question over time. Congratulations! This is a big, brave step.

Lots of love, Nicole xx

The Non-Believer and the Desperate Hour

“Desperation can make a person do surprising things.”
~ Veronica Roth

 

*This post is a continuation from yesterday’s The Non-Believer and The Amazing Offer

Sunday was a rare crisis-of-faith day for me. I’d slept poorly for days, I was churned with anxiety over a job offer from my old life, and I was wondering if what I did really made a difference in the world. Even more than that, at nearing fifty years of age, I still struggle at times with having a parent who does not accept what I do as a psychic and is not proud of me, but who would be if I went back to the corporate world. (I know… but my job is always to be truthful with you, so there it is. It creates a sucking sadness in me that dulls and roars in turn, and I never quite know what might trigger it. The little girl in me still aches to please.)

Sunday is an unplugged day for me. I have a session with my Planner, I spend time with my husband, and I don’t work at all. I don’t even look at my computer, because that way I can ignore the constant stream of messages and emails, of which a handful are always urgent. If I read one, I’d have to respond. If someone needs me I can’t not.

On Sunday afternoon my phone began to ding as a series of messages came through. I glanced at the screen and saw that they were facebook messages so I ignored them. But they kept coming. I realised that someone was urgently trying to get hold of me. And something in me made me break my Sunday rule. I opened the first message, and then read them all one by one. They were all from the same person.

They were all from the business coach who’d slammed me for being a psychic earlier this year, and who’d then trash-talked me to my friend. The same coach who’d urged me to give up my psychic work and go back to the ‘respectability’ of the corporate sector.

Contact me, his message said.

After six messages, it changed to Contact me urgently.

Image from www.dr.dk

Image from www.dr.dk

I knew it wouldn’t be about him reconsidering me as a potential client for his mentoring program. I knew deep in my bones that he had a problem. I could feel the desperation in those three terse words.

I texted him back. How can I help?

A series of photos followed of his tiny daughter. The coach was travelling with his wife and young family, doing public speaking engagements and such. They were away from home and his little girl was ill. Nothing specific. A fever. She was quiet. She didn’t have much appetite. She’d been listless. They’d taken her to a local hospital, and the staff there diagnosed her with a cold. They’d given her something for the fever and sent her home again.

For him to even contact me, given how rude he’d been and how clearly he’d told me he was a non-believer in all things psychic, I knew he was out of options. I was his last resort.

I skyped him.

The coach was awkward, and wouldn’t quite look me in the eye. Did I think there was something wrong with his daughter? Because both he and his wife thought there was something not quite right.

I tuned in.

What I got disturbed me. I could feel infection through her tiny body, building up into a crisis. I knew it had already affected her kidneys. I knew she was not far from going critical.

Put her in the car, I said. Take her back to the hospital, the closest one. Go now. It’s something serious. She needs urgent medical attention. It’s an infection, I said.

He hung up on me.

Forty minutes later he called again. They were at a new hospital and the staff wanted to send them home. His daughter’s fever wasn’t too high. They thought she had a cold or a little viral infection.

Did you tell them she’s had medication for the fever, I said. That’s what’s masking the true situation.

Over the next hour we talked a few more times as the doctors told the man to take his daughter home, after which he’d check in with me and then at my insistence tell them he wanted her to stay. But I could feel his resolve wavering. He was tired. He thought he was over-reacting.

In my mind’s eye I saw it. Something the little girl hadn’t had half an hour before. Show them the rash, I said.

What rash? She doesn’t have a rash! He was belligerent now. Angry with me. Angry that he’d contacted me.

Lift up her shirt, I said. She has tiny purple dots on her tummy and back. Hurry!

I didn’t hear from the coach again for hours. Not til nearly 1am on Monday morning, my time. During that time I’d held his family and his daughter in my prayers, sent her healing energy, and meditated on her soul and on her life. I felt how touch-and-go it was.

Image from www.verywell.com

Image from www.verywell.com

This is what the coach told me. They admitted his sick little girl straight away, diagnosing her with meningococcal disease. They gave her life-saving drugs, but she was already in a critical condition when that happened. And it progressed quickly from there. She had now sustained kidney and liver damage, and it looked like she might lose the fingertips of two fingers, and the top joint of a toe on one foot. It might get worse, he said. He was sobbing.

She’s already turned the corner, I told him. You saved her life. I know it looks bad, but she’s going to be okay. I talked to him for over an hour, just supporting him and being there for him. By the time I got off the call I was wrung out.

I couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. Instead I meditated and sent them love and healing, and prayed for them. I was grateful that the coach had honoured his own intuition in knowing that there was something wrong, and then in reaching out to me of all people.

 

On Monday morning I rang the guy trying to recruit me and told him a flatout no. Then Ben took me and Cafe Dog out for breakfast. I told him what had happened with the coach and his baby girl, and what the outcome was.

See, Ben said to me. What you do does matter.

And I knew Ben was right.

The corporate man will find someone else to head up his ridiculous-deadline project now that I’ve declined his offer. Some other person will flog the team senseless and create the things that I won’t do, no matter how well paid I would have been. It doesn’t matter if people like the coach lambast me and put me down. Even if later, they turn to me. There will always be people, within my family and within my community, who judge me for what I do and find me wanting. Who don’t understand me. Or who fear being judged themselves, by virtue of association with me .

I can only be who I am. Who would I be, and what message would I send if I tried to turn my back on this thing that I am? How could I ever support you, and encourage you to claim your own intuitive and psychic ability?

We were made this way for a reason.

It’s hard, sometimes, this road that I walk. But it’s worth it. Just like it will be for you too. Each of us have our own unique natures and gifts. We all matter, and we all have something to offer. All of us must strive to be true to who we came here to be. Or else, why live at all?

Poems, Prayers and Promises

Image from miriadna.com

Image from miriadna.com

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
~ Mary Oliver

 

I saw a new lyme doctor yesterday. Why a new doctor? It goes like this:

The first doctor I saw diagnosed me but wouldn’t treat me because ‘lyme was contentious and he was trying to fly under the radar’. My second doctor treated me aggressively with antibiotics and herbs, saving my life. The AMA put restrictions on his practice and prevented him from offering treatment to lyme patients. My third doctor – highly respected as a lyme physician here in Australia – had one appointment with me, where he prescribed a new and intense drug regime, shortly after which he took leave of absence for health reasons. I waited and waited for him to come back to work, and then found out in late December that he was no longer treating lyme patients as their immediate physician.

Meanwhile symptoms I’d not had for a long time had flared up, new problems had emerged, and I was keen to find someone who knew what they were doing and who could offer me continuity of care. After realising there was no-one in charge of me and not likely to be for some time I’ve been winging it, with a little help from my kind and courageous GP, and my own intuition. Winging it, I think I’ve done quite well, but still, I’m no doctor.

As you might imagine, I woke apprehensive. Discussions with other doctors had suggested that this year I’d have an even more harsh offering of drugs to take. That this year would need to be hard-core to make up the ground I’d so recently lost. I’d been told I’d need to see this new doctor and follow her own strict protocols as well as conventional lyme protocols for at least a year to get results.

I’m so tired of the pain, the brutality, the isolation imposed by both the disease and the treatment. As I lay in bed yesterday I offered up a prayer to the Universe. Let me get my answer today, I affirmed. I promise that whatever I am shown, I will honour that path.

In my mind I’d already decided that this doctor would be the last one. Intuition had led me to her. I’d already been given guidance in my channelled sessions that this year I would eventually forgo drugs. I would eventually forsake the last vestiges of traditional medicine, and I would find a way to heal, thoroughly and well.

This is it, I thought. My last roll of the dice.

But it didn’t feel like luck. It felt like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, from which I would either fall or fly.

Paradigm shift. They were the words that kept playing in my head. Those words and the fragment of a Mary Oliver poem, Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?

Image from Terri Pope

Image from Terri Pope

I knew I was missing something. Some vital thing. A  key that would unlock this whole mess. A clue that would break me open and in the same breath begin to piece me back together again; gently, gracefully and with meaning.

I sat in the doctor’s office and we talked shop. Drugs, stats, bloods, symptoms, history. The usual. All the things she’d asked for.

‘You’re psychic,’ she said, reading my file, where for once I’d been bold enough to list that as my occupation. ‘That’s a real gift. Intelligent too, I can see. No-one would have developed this complexity of treatment protocols for themselves without deep intelligence.’

She looked at me, and held my gaze. ‘This isn’t my usual approach. But I assume you’re good at what you do too. I can see you have most of this under control. I don’t need to spend time discussing diet and nutrition with you. You’ve done most of the things I would recommend. I can see how sick you’ve been. How sick you still are. And you and I both know I can’t heal you – that healing comes from some other place. So, what do you need to heal – quickly, easily and with grace? How could you love your dis-ease?’

This wasn’t how I’d expected the session to go. I’d expected that she would tell me.

‘It’s funny,’ I said to her after pausing to gather my thoughts. ‘I fought so hard not to be psychic. But lyme stripped everything else away from me until it was the only thing left that I could do.’

I thought a bit more, and a realisation came to me like rays of light penetrating a deep dark forest. ‘You know,’ I said, leaning towards her, ‘when I do my psychic work, no matter how ill I might be, I move into a different space. A higher vibration. For that time I operate as if I don’t have lyme. And the effect lasts for a few hours afterwards, before I eventually come back into this disease state.’

She kept looking at me, holding that space for me, and suddenly I knew. Words tumbled out of me…

‘I’ve been so ashamed to be who I am. To be psychic. I’ve felt so guilty that I did not turn out the way my parents and teachers expected. The way society expected.’ I knew it to be true as they were coming out of my mouth. Guilt. Shame. Judgement. Such low vibration words. The complete opposite of the way I felt when I was firmly in my truth, owning my gift and living as a psychic, a shaman, as a spirit woman, guide and teacher. There I was open, I was light, I was in flow and everything in the world was beautiful and good. I was everything and everything was in me, and it was all as it should be. Peaceful. Blissful. Oneness.

There was more. I realised that I’d always held an expectation that when I eventually became well, that I should go back to my corporate life – the life in which my family and I had been so invested.

How could I ever be well when being well would mean walking away from my soul truth and my integrity to go back to living a life path dictated by others?

The shift in me was strong and immediate. Peace surged through me and calm lit every cell.

All I needed to do was own who I am. The beauty and the power and the strange rightness of this life. Of my skills and talents. Of my passion and my gift.

Image from wallarthd.com

Image from wallarthd.com

We both decided I need a light amount of drugs for a mop-up of one of my co-infections. A little retweaking of this and that, some healing and rewiring at an energetic level. I’ll keep using my herbs and essential oils. I’ll keep using my meditation and energetic healing. We’ll play it by ear, listen to my body’s own wisdom and see where that takes me. There’s some rebuilding to be done, some repair. But it is all fixable. It’s already shifting.

Finally, I have found a doctor who speaks my language and who can respect and mirror back to me what I most need to hear.

When I got home there was a message in my inbox. Dana, my PA, had forwarded me a poem sent by a lady called Illona. Thank you, Illona. It was so very timely.

It’s no coincidence that it’s also a Mary Oliver Poem.

I present the message in its entirety below:

Message: Nicole, I see this so much as who you are:

 

Today again I am hardly myself.

It happens over and over.

It is heaven-sent.

 

It flows through me

like the blue wave.

Green leaves – you may believe this or not – have once or twice emerged from the tips of my fingers

somewhere

deep in the woods,

in the reckless seizure of spring.

Though, of course, I also know that other song, the sweet passion of one-ness.

Just yesterday I watched an ant crossing a path, through the tumbled pine needles she toiled.

And I thought: she will never live another life but this one.

And I thought: if she lives her life with all her strength

is she not wonderful and wise?

And I continued this up the miraculous pyramid of everything

until I came to myself.

And still, even in these northern woods, on these hills of sand, I have flown from the other window of myself to become white heron, blue whale,

red fox, hedgehog.

Oh, sometimes already my body has felt like the body of a flower!

Sometimes already my heart is a red parrot, perched among strange, dark trees, flapping and screaming.

— Mary Oliver

 

big hugs

Oh my goodness how that validated everything I had seen and felt and known earlier that day. It was as if the Universe herself had turned up in my inbox to reflect to me the truth of that insight I was finally brave enough to own in my heart.

There is such wisdom and grace in the world when you open yourself to it.

Bless xoxo

My Whole Life I Was Wrong

Image from Olaalaa.com

Image from Olaalaa.com

“If I am right, Thy grace impart
Still in the right to stay;
If I am wrong, O, teach my heart
To find that better way!”
~ Alexander Pope, Moral Essays

 

My whole life I was wrong. I laboured under the illusion that I needed to be perfect. More beautiful. Thinner. My relationships harmonious. My home a picture of neatness. I was sure that I needed acclaim, prizes, and a string of letters after my name.

Why did I want these things? Not to be better than anyone else. No. It was never that. I felt that I needed these things in order to be worthy. In order to be taken seriously. In order to be loved. In order to teach.

In order to have value.

No wonder then, that life ground me under her heel. That my family shattered, flinging me far from its arms. That illness stole my youth, my words, my energy and the fruits of my womb.

Image from WallpapersinHQ.com

Image from WallpapersinHQ.com

Thank goodness.

Each day now, I see the wisdom in that path.

Next weekend I shall begin a five day teaching; a residential retreat to help others to embrace and use their psychic gifts. My preparations thus far have involved meditations, contemplation, reflection, connection and lots of quiet time. My game plan this week mostly involves working from bed so that I shall be well rested and can give my all. I am not yet well. I may never be well in the way that others are well. I may become better and still be bound by limitation. But that doesn’t matter so much anymore. What matters is that I am still here, still in the game, and capable of doing what I came here to do.

Next weekend I am not concerned about how I shall look, what car shall carry me to my event, what clothes I wear other than that I must be clean and comfortable, and happy in myself. I will not be at my most svelte. My face is lined with both age and pain. I have no idea what colours are popular this Spring, or if the coral lipstick I favour is in right now. Who cares? I am not there to be judged on my appearance. It is not about me. I am there for my students. It is they who are the important ones. This event is for them. They are my focus. I don’t mind how they dress either. As long as they are warm, or cool, and unbothered by their outfits. They could be in their pyjamas for all I care. I want their attention, their passion, their hearts and minds. Within a minute or two of being together none of them will notice these external things either. We are coming together to immerse ourselves in things other than the external.

Next weekend the house I leave will be messy. There will be tasks still left undone. Any fashion style I may exhibit will be the result of my sister’s careful ministrations. Or a friend’s. All that matters for me is the work. All that matters for me is honouring the needs of my students, and the teachings of my Aunties and Ancestors, the whisperings of my own heart, and the collective energy and well being of my tribe as we come together. I have no energy for anything else, and these days, little interest for anything that does not support my values, my passions and my own well being.

I will tell my students what it has taken me this lifetime to learn. That living to please others is not important, and in fact can be downright dangerous to your own sanity and the happy playing out of your talents and gifts. That already, as humans, they are enough, but that to strive in the pursuit of knowledge or a craft that grows and shapes us is a worthy thing. A transformative thing. A very good thing.

Image from Tequila Cupcakes

Image from Tequila Cupcakes

None of us will ever be perfect. And anyway, perfection is a myth. But if we are prepared to do the work, some of us, one day, will be wiser. Kinder. More smoothed at the edges. More broken open by life, brightened by pain, luminous from loving and being loved.

Each, in our own way, having gleaned some knowledge, can then lift others up with one hand, as we steady ourselves or climb with the other.

Who ever could have known that in the brittle perfection of my youth I would loathe myself so much? Who could have ever imagined that in being thoroughly broken, I would come to love myself so dearly?