My Whole Life I Was Wrong

Image from Olaalaa.com

Image from Olaalaa.com

“If I am right, Thy grace impart
Still in the right to stay;
If I am wrong, O, teach my heart
To find that better way!”
~ Alexander Pope, Moral Essays

 

My whole life I was wrong. I laboured under the illusion that I needed to be perfect. More beautiful. Thinner. My relationships harmonious. My home a picture of neatness. I was sure that I needed acclaim, prizes, and a string of letters after my name.

Why did I want these things? Not to be better than anyone else. No. It was never that. I felt that I needed these things in order to be worthy. In order to be taken seriously. In order to be loved. In order to teach.

In order to have value.

No wonder then, that life ground me under her heel. That my family shattered, flinging me far from its arms. That illness stole my youth, my words, my energy and the fruits of my womb.

Image from WallpapersinHQ.com

Image from WallpapersinHQ.com

Thank goodness.

Each day now, I see the wisdom in that path.

Next weekend I shall begin a five day teaching; a residential retreat to help others to embrace and use their psychic gifts. My preparations thus far have involved meditations, contemplation, reflection, connection and lots of quiet time. My game plan this week mostly involves working from bed so that I shall be well rested and can give my all. I am not yet well. I may never be well in the way that others are well. I may become better and still be bound by limitation. But that doesn’t matter so much anymore. What matters is that I am still here, still in the game, and capable of doing what I came here to do.

Next weekend I am not concerned about how I shall look, what car shall carry me to my event, what clothes I wear other than that I must be clean and comfortable, and happy in myself. I will not be at my most svelte. My face is lined with both age and pain. I have no idea what colours are popular this Spring, or if the coral lipstick I favour is in right now. Who cares? I am not there to be judged on my appearance. It is not about me. I am there for my students. It is they who are the important ones. This event is for them. They are my focus. I don’t mind how they dress either. As long as they are warm, or cool, and unbothered by their outfits. They could be in their pyjamas for all I care. I want their attention, their passion, their hearts and minds. Within a minute or two of being together none of them will notice these external things either. We are coming together to immerse ourselves in things other than the external.

Next weekend the house I leave will be messy. There will be tasks still left undone. Any fashion style I may exhibit will be the result of my sister’s careful ministrations. Or a friend’s. All that matters for me is the work. All that matters for me is honouring the needs of my students, and the teachings of my Aunties and Ancestors, the whisperings of my own heart, and the collective energy and well being of my tribe as we come together. I have no energy for anything else, and these days, little interest for anything that does not support my values, my passions and my own well being.

I will tell my students what it has taken me this lifetime to learn. That living to please others is not important, and in fact can be downright dangerous to your own sanity and the happy playing out of your talents and gifts. That already, as humans, they are enough, but that to strive in the pursuit of knowledge or a craft that grows and shapes us is a worthy thing. A transformative thing. A very good thing.

Image from Tequila Cupcakes

Image from Tequila Cupcakes

None of us will ever be perfect. And anyway, perfection is a myth. But if we are prepared to do the work, some of us, one day, will be wiser. Kinder. More smoothed at the edges. More broken open by life, brightened by pain, luminous from loving and being loved.

Each, in our own way, having gleaned some knowledge, can then lift others up with one hand, as we steady ourselves or climb with the other.

Who ever could have known that in the brittle perfection of my youth I would loathe myself so much? Who could have ever imagined that in being thoroughly broken, I would come to love myself so dearly?

32 thoughts on “My Whole Life I Was Wrong

  1. Amazing! 👏 I love your brutal honesty Nicole. I’m a recovering perfectionist and life on the other side couldn’t be better!

    Your part about being ‘smoother’ and ‘kinder’ reminds me of something actor Emma Thompson once said, ‘Its unfortunate and I really wish I wouldn’t have to say this, but I really like human beings who have suffered. They’re kinder.’

    Good luck with your retreat, not that you’ll need luck.

  2. Oh Nicloe this post is so relevant to me right now.

    I spent a huge amount of my life trying to win the acknowledgement and love of others. My pursuit shaped my life. I liked and knew myself less and less as a result. Recently I’ve felt broken by it. Unsure of who I am and what my next step should be.

    I have to learn to love myself and find my true path now. It’s at once scary and exciting. I will be with you next week, at the retreat, in spirit. If only I could be there in person.

    Thank you for your wise words this morning.

  3. Magic and it touched my heart right where I needed to heart it. I just realised last week I was still not following my heart fully- now is my time to to be brutally honest with myself so I can share my messages that will empower others to embrace their magic. With gratitude, you uplift and inspire me each day
    Sending you healing love and hugs
    namaste Suzie xoxo

  4. Oh my goodness!!
    I live like that .. Trying to feel worthy n valued by trying to make myself n things around me perfect even the kids to a certain degree..
    It’s so refreshing & unpressurizing to see this for how it really is..
    Thank you so much! I Luv today’s blog:) and I Luv having you in my life. Xx

  5. You are dead on the money Nicole! Cheers! to being Perfectly Imperfect! Its so sad watching people (myself included) running in their individual ” hamster wheels” trying to make sure everything is perfect….people pleasing to prove our worthiness…basing our successes and failures on the approvals of others. How perfectly INSANE! So much wasted energy, and for what really? Your retreat will be absolutely magical, I’m thinking how awesome if I could be there! but I do have the next best thing, and that is ” Cauldrons & Cupcakes in my In-Box ! Thanks Nicole!

  6. I sure wish I could be there. To drink in the energy and your wisdom which has been hard earned. I agree that it doesn’t matter how you look. Your students will be focusing on the energy that you put out there. I am so grateful for your posts as they always bring me back from my mental wandering to what is truly important. Thank you.
    Love
    Patty

  7. Don’t worry Nicole – you will be fine.
    Your simpleness and honesty make your messages more accessible.
    I look at nature – there are lots of odd shaped strawberries and funny leaves – it is all a wonderful mash of decay and growth – and so is life. Sterile perfection would be empty and soulless. I hope you enjoy your retreat too!!!

  8. Nicole, I see and feel echoes of my own self in your words and feel thankful that there is a teacher like you to remind me when I go off track. Good luck with your workshop – I am sure it will be fabulous xo

  9. For years i was busy doing to please others,eldest in the family,motherhood,business partner,etc and somehow i got lost.Now my life has changed,children leave home and a part-time job give me time to find ME!!And i’m loving it.I do and wear what i like.Freedom to be the real me.Wish i could be doing the workshop too maybe next time.xxx

  10. Hoping one day I will have the pleasure of being beside you at one of your workshops……. will be thinking of you extra this weekend x

  11. I can not begin to tell you how I resonate with your post today Nicole . It has basically took me years to like myself , you notice I don’t say love , I ‘m getting there . I was broken into many tiny pieces many years ago , through that shattered life and some good glue, I learned to like myself …it’s a great feeling isn’t it . It’s a shame we have to hurt before realizing .
    Cherryx

  12. Thank you for your insights today, Nicole, once again written so eloquently and honestly. I am grateful that so many of your followers will be holding you in Spirit as you share so much of yourself with your students because it will raise the vibration of your Retreat. 🙂 Namaste

  13. Pingback: Weekend Inspiration #12 | Smells Good Feels Good

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