Gumboot Adventure and a Lyme Update


“One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am – a reluctant enthusiast….a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.” 
~ Edward Abbey

*Note: I recommend reading all the way to the end of this post. Past the pictures even. Oh yes, I do.

People are always asking how I am and I almost always say ‘fine, thanks’.

Truth is, I have advanced late-stage Lyme disease, and as with any chronic degenerative illness I have a catalogue of woes so to actually tell you how I am might take hours. Boring. I’m over it long ago. So ‘fine’ or ‘okay’ mostly does the job. I manage. Many days are great, and I am working, living and making the most of what I can. Happy, happy. I don’t dwell on my health or lack thereof.

Mostly.

I’ll level with you, though. The last few days have been rough.

I’m miserable right now.

I picked up a cough while visiting Ben’s mum in the nursing home. After four weeks it has steadily become worse and I can’t shake it. Because of that, my UTI flared up. I’ve been peeing five times a night and my bladder is agonisingly sore. I have been feeling myself slowing getting more run down no matter how good my self-care and health care has been.

So I started on new Chinese herbs two days ago for my latest infections. Great news – they’re working! Less great news? They are also killing Lyme Bugs so I am herxing like crazy as the Lyme dies and releases toxins into my already overloaded body. My eyes are red and streaming and only one is working, only one side of my face is mobile and responsive, my skin is on fire, I’m photophobic, I have stabby pains and night sweats and swollen glands and bone aches and head aches and nerve spasms and tender teeth and numb fingers and toes and neurological incontinence (I wee my pants for no reason!) and generally more misery than I remembered was possible. Yay? But fighting bugs, so yay!!!!! Now we’re working on getting the dosage correct so that I can manage the chest and UTI infections without going mad from herxing. Please don’t worry. I’m in good hands. (And yes, I have cried, screamed and whimpered often this past few days because I’d forgotten how truly awful herxing can be.)

I’m smiling here, honest! It’s just that only one side of my mouth lifts up right now…

In the midst of all of this misery I needed to go open a gate at the farm for Ben. I got out of bed, left my pyjama top on, threw on some shorts and my gumboots and slogged down to the Tractor Shed paddock.

Oh. It was so beautiful there in the misty cold afternoon. The ground was soft and green and lush. The trees shone with a vibrant light, and the birds sang. It felt good to be out of bed and outdoors.

When my short adventure was over I hastened back to a hot shower, fresh pyjamas and more rest.

It was worth it to have that little gumboot adventure.

I’m wishing you little adventures too. No matter how shitty life gets, a little tiny adventure, a small moment fully lived, a simple pleasure fully and mindfully experienced – that’s what makes it all more manageable. I rate my coping skills as high. And that’s one of the reasons why!

Biggest love and hugs from this tired and battered Lyme Warrior. I’ll be back at my best soon, I’m sure. Meanwhile, I’m happy to be herxy. (Well, mostly! xx)

PSS – Thanks if you scrolled down this far. Just a reminder that I am massively sleep deprived and in pain right now. So if you:

  1. suggest that positive thinking might be beneficial or a cure-all,
  2. offer to hook me up with your miracle-inducing network marketing product, or
  3. remind me that I somehow manifested all of this as a learning experience,
  4. or that this is karmic

then I can’t be held responsible for my actions. Need more help with this because you’re itching to do one of the above? Read this first.

Nic’s Latest Update: Life as a #Lymewarrior

brave

‘Brave’ by WillowWaves at www.deviantart.com

“O snail
Climb Mount Fuji
But slowly, slowly!”
~ Kobayashi Issa

“Bran thought about it. ‘Can a man still be brave if he’s afraid?’
‘That is the only time a man can be brave,’ his father told him.”
~ George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

 

Ah, Lovelies,

I’d hoped to be bringing you a good news post, a happy ‘post-surgery things are looking up’ story. And it is true, some things have improved. I am out of hospital. I am home in Brisbane, although not yet home to my precious farm. After an entire month of having my hair in a bun on the top of my head I have finally gotten all the knots from my hair and washed it (a three day effort that only others with chronic fatigue or pain will understand!). I have moved from a shuffling gait to a slow walk.

But I’m not as far along my healing journey as I had expected. Because, you see, having Lyme Disease complicates everything.

Having Chronic Late Stage Lyme Disease means that I’m immuno-compromised. Which is why I picked up two infections pre-surgery, which were treated with a metric tonne of antibiotics to get me infection-free before my operation. Treatment worked, but I was a ball of misery as the antibiotics killed not only my infections but lyme bacteria as well.

Surgery went well. Longer than expected and more complicated. I needed unplanned bowel and bladder surgery and repair. But I came out of it strongly and was making a good recovery, even on the new metric tonne of iv antibiotics and antibacterials I was given.

Unfortunately I then I caught a new infection (via my catheter we think) just as I was getting ready to leave hospital the first time. Tests showed it to be an antibiotic-resistant urinary tract infection superbug. It still responds to some old-school antibiotics, but not regular ones, so I was placed onto those.

One tablet, three times a day.

Which should have cleared it. But it didn’t, so now I am on massively increased doses. This old-school antibiotic is also used to clear late-stage lyme (but my urologist and gynecologist know nothing about that – Lyme is well outside their fields). It targets and kills the cyst form of the bacteria by damaging its DNA. Awesome news. So now I am on a drug that kills my superbug AND lyme. (The typical Lyme dose of this drug is just one tablet three times a week.)

Lots of lyme bacteria dying means lots of herxing. So now I am in agony. It hurts to pee. It hurts to poo. I can’t see out of my left eye, and vision is distorted from my right. I am sensitive to light and to sound. My skin hurts. My teeth hurt. My bones hurt. Old injuries are aching and paining. My muscles spasm and cramp. I have a killer headache. I am hot and cold in turns. I can’t sleep. It feels as if someone at odd times is tasering me, or pouring acid on my skin. And then there is my belly wound which goes from hip to hip, and the fact that my insides feel like someone has stitched them into a too tight sausage casing and then punched me in the gut a few times for good measure. And the pinched nerve in my back which has rendered one arm numb and painful and much less mobile than usual. Which instigated a case of shingles. My balance and strength is shot and I need a cane to walk. Let’s just say, it is not one of my better adventures.

I spent most of last night cry-laughing on the toilet. Because of my recent bladder repair it only holds about 200ml of fluid before I need to go, and I need to be drinking LOTS of water right now to flush both the drugs and infection from my system. Peeing hurts. A lot. Before, during and after. Although at least the feeling of pissing razorblades has resolved as the antibiotics kicked in and began working on this little superbug of mine. Now it only burns. So I sat on the toilet more than I was off it. Crying and laughing at the same time, because it was funny but pathetic, and scary but also ridiculous, and as I cried and laughed I panted power phrases like ‘This is just f*cked’ or ‘You can do this, Nic!’ depending on what frame of mind I was in for any given minute.

My friend Jennifer visited me while I was in the hospital and gave me a little bracelet. Inscribed on it is the phrase ‘Be Brave’. Those two words have been a constant reminder to me in the past few weeks. Be uncomplaining. Cry if I need to. Pull myself together. Chin up.

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I am mostly coping okay with the pain and lack of decent sleep. I am being well cared for by Ben, Nurse Bert, Cafe Dog and my dear friend Carly. I have everything I need. The hard thing is my vision loss (which is a temporary situation, we hope, and one I have faced several times while undergoing Lyme treatment in the past). This last fortnight I have had limited vision. My left eye is a complete blur, and my right eye has a restricted field of blurry vision – if I wear glasses, cover my left eye and increase my screen magnification by 300% I can read for short periods, but it is exhausting and gives me a headache. I can’t write. The television is a blur. Do you know how much stuff you suddenly can’t do when you can’t see?

I can’t check my messages on my phone or my emails. I can’t see my phone well enough to call a number – but Siri is getting good use as I task her to read my texts or call my mum. I can’t blog or update you. (I needed help to get this post written and published.) I can’t read any messages you may have written to me, so forgive me if I have not responded. Thank goodness for audio books and imagination land, and for good conversation in small doses.

I’m also exhausted, and after ten minutes of anything I am ready for a nap.

It isn’t where I expected to be, four weeks after surgery, but this is where I find myself. Nothing to do but wait for improvement.

I am good at sucking it up. Truth be told though, I am more than a bit over it. Still, it is what it is and it will get better – just maybe not in the timeframe I’d hoped for (and I am ALWAYS impatient!)

I’m missing my Year of ME Planner and choosing oracle cards to guide my week. I’m sad to be unable to tick things off my to-do list. From experience though, I know that it will all be waiting to help me get back on track again with all my dreams and projects just as soon as I am able. Meanwhile my wonderful team are working on all kinds of lovely things for next year’s Planner, our upcoming courses and retreats, and my new website. (Thank you Dana, Bek, Kerry, Chelsi and my PI transcription crew!)

I’m still sending you so much love in my daily meditations and healings, and I’m grateful for all the good energy you’ve sent my way too.

Hopefully things will sort out sooner rather than later and normal programming will resume. I’m looking forward to that. I AM getting better, it’s just a slow and bumpy road. Fingers crossed that my healing gets fast-tracked very soon. I am choosing to see all of this as a fabullous opportunity to kick Lyme’s butt in a bigger way than I had ever dreamed!

Hugs and love, Nicole xx

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A Quick Update On Me!

Image from Modern Kiddo

Image from Modern Kiddo

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.” 
― T.F. Hodge

“A bruise is a lesson… and each lesson makes us better.” 
― George R.R. Martin, A Game of Thrones

“The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud — the obstacles of life and its suffering. … The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. … Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ” 
― Goldie Hawn

 

Hi Lovelies, I thought I’d better update you on why I’ve been so quiet…

One of the drugs I’ve been on for my Lyme treatment has an unfortunate side effect in some people of shortening and stiffening ligaments and tendons. As they lose their elasticity they become prone to tears and rupture.

A few weeks ago I tore ligaments in my right knee as I was getting into bed. It’s healing, slowly, but it has certainly slowed me down. Then on Monday night after I came home from my Lyme Doctor I had a tear and a bleed in my left Achilles tendon caused by Harry the dog bumping into me.

Rolling over in bed a few nights later I ripped ligaments in my right shoulder and injured tendons in my right thumb.

I would not be lying to say that right now I’m feeling a little over it. 🙁 If I were really truthful, I might even admit to having indulged in a full-on howly little emotional breakdown for a minute or two.

So for now I am on bed rest, being well looked after, and trying not to injure myself further until these drugs get out of my system.

I’m also not having such a fun time on the new ligament-friendly lyme meds I’m on either (think vomiting, pain, blurred vision and misery) although that’s a whole other story…

But on an up note I AM getting better. It’s just a lesson in patience right now, like typing this blog with my left hand so at least it’s done, even if it is a very slow process.

This morning my mum rang, and gently suggested I should try and blog something, anything, just to let you all know that I am okay.

I am mostly okay. 🙂 Really.

Forgive me if my blogging remains a bit erratic until I get my body under control. We’re working on it, but like most things, it shall take time. Still, I’m already feeling a bit brighter. Fingers crossed this uphill trend shall continue. I’ll post as I can, so stay tuned.

Thinking of you and sending love, Nicole xx

PS – here’s a useful little quote for times like these:

o-INSPIRATIONAL-QUOTES-facebook

Lessons on Waiting and Being Delayed

Image from ASCRS Eyeworld

Image from ASCRS Eyeworld

“How did it get so late so soon?” 
~ Dr. Seuss

“If we can just let go and trust that things will work out they way they’re supposed to, without trying to control the outcome, then we can begin to enjoy the moment more fully. The joy of the freedom it brings becomes more pleasurable than the experience itself.”
~ Goldie Hawn

I spent a lot of time waiting in doctors’ rooms yesterday. In fact, over the last thirty years I’ve spent an enormous amount of time waiting. Waiting for doctors, waiting for tests, waiting for results, waiting for second opinions.

In the beginning waiting used to frustrate me. Doctors always seem to run late. There’s inevitably a big queue at the pathologist’s early in the morning when you’re on fasting bloods. Simple procedures often take far more time than you’d expected. Have you noticed that?

Back when I lived a very measured and time-poor life, scheduled down to the last-minute, this kind of waiting nearly drove me crazy. Why couldn’t these people be more efficient?

I’ll tell you why.

People and bodies are complex by design, and things don’t always run to plan.

Yesterday I was up early to be one of the first through the door for blood tests at 6am…

My first doctors meeting is at 9am and I have a string of appointments after that, all scheduled a few hours apart. I plan to get quite a lot done during the ‘in-between’ appointments time.

After breakfast I arrive at the surgery early to fill in paperwork. And then I wait. So early in the day I’m not expecting much of a delay. It’s a busy practice with several doctors, and the waiting room is already full.

One by one each person’s name is called. New people arrive. Others come and go. 9am rolls by, then 9.15 then 9.30. I still haven’t been called. After a while a woman sits near me, and she and I stay sitting as more names are called. I’ve been waiting over an hour now, and the woman beside me half that time. She begins looking pointedly at her watch, sighing and making it apparent that she’s not happy. I keep reading my book.

After an hour the woman loses it. “What’s the delay?” she shouts angrily. “My appointment was an hour ago.” She lets it rip at the receptionist. Still yelling abuse she storms out of the practice as an elderly couple emerge from a consulting room, red-eyed and obviously upset. They look lost as they stand at the front desk.

A minute later my doctor calls my name.

He’s reserved today, not his usual self. “Sorry about the delay,” he says. He seems quite sad.

I can’t help myself. “Are you okay?” I ask, placing my hand on his arm.

My lovely doctor is taken aback. Tears prick his eyes. “Yes,” he says in the softest of voices. “Yes, I’m fine.” With great professionalism he brings the focus back to me, the weight of whatever happened earlier sitting heavy in the air between us.

Things go well for me, and I’m out the door in under fifteen minutes.

Luckily I’d made my medical appointments with plenty of time in between them. I can deal with the delay with a little juggling. I cancel some plans. And my day works out just fine. Better than fine in fact. For some reason we end up getting ‘rock-star’ car parks right out front everywhere else we go. The day slides by so smoothly. Nothing at all is a hassle. It’s like being late early in the day somehow saves us all this time later on.

Last night as I sat in meditation I thought of that elderly couple, and said a little prayer for them, and for my doctors, nurses and all those who work in the health care industries. It’s a big job, at times a very hard and thankless job. People and bodies are complex by design. Things don’t always go to plan.

I spent a lot of time waiting yesterday because someone needed more of my doctor’s time. And whenever you need more time it’s not a good thing. Positive news is always fast. The other kind usually takes longer.

How could I mind someone needing more time? How can a doctor or other medical professional possibly determine in advance who might need that extra attention?

I have been on the other side of this too. A few years ago a young technician was performing an ultrasound on my abdomen. She took forever, and went from being chatty to very, very quiet. Eventually she left me there, and after a fraught ten minutes brought back a colleague. They both huddled over the screen and then the senior technician repeated my procedure. Neither would tell me what was going on. My fifteen minute procedure took ninety minutes, interspersed with phone calls back to my doctor. I was the person emerging into a waiting room of cranky patients being held up because of me.

I have been given my share of bad news. I have cried in car parks or sat stunned and silent afterwards in coffee shops near medical specialists’ rooms. I have been the reason for everyone else being delayed and inconvenienced.

Yesterday I was thankful that it was not me needing more time. And I was also grateful that others could have the time they needed.

It might not be a doctor’s surgery.You might end up waiting in the office of a counsellor, a tax accountant, a veterinarian, a dentist, a skin cancer specialist. The thing is, you’ll be waiting because someone needed more time.

If that was you, if you needed more time, you’d want the person helping you to care enough to be very present for you. To do all that they could to explain and work on your problems. You’d want to feel supported. You wouldn’t want to be just a number being churned through the mill.

So, if you find yourself waiting, know that it might be inconvenient, but it’s not the worst of things. It shows that whomever you’re waiting for cares about doing their job well. They care about looking after their clients or patients. And that means they’ll extend that same care to you.

Go well in the world today. I’m thinking of you and sending love.

Nicole xx

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Update from Nurse Bert

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“Wounding and healing are not opposites. They’re part of the same thing. It is our wounds that enable us to be compassionate with the wounds of others. It is our limitations that make us kind to the limitations of other people. It is our loneliness that helps us to find other people or to even know they’re alone with an illness. I think I have served people perfectly with parts of myself I used to be ashamed of. ” 
~ Rachel Naomi Remen

“I choose to write because it’s perfect for me. It’s an escape, a place I can go to hide. It’s a friend, when I feel out casted from everyone else. It’s a journal, when the only story I can tell is my own. It’s a book, when I need to be somewhere else. It’s control, when I feel so out of control. It’s healing, when everything seems pretty messed up.
And it’s fun, when life is just flat-out boring.” 
~ Alysha Speer

Hello,

There’s nothing much to report here. Nicole is still in bed, and I growl when she tries to get up. This tactic seems to be working.

I have patented a new anti-movement device. In the picture above it might look like I am napping, but this is in fact my new motion-sensor facility. It works really well. She hasn’t tricked me yet!

Anyway, she has one week and six days left on these drugs. We are counting every hour. In the meantime I am telling her all of the good recipes she can blog for you. Roast-a-rama. All kinds of meat pizza. Bones with sauce. Barbeque meats. She can test them on me and Harry so we know they’re good for you.

Okay, I have to wake my patient up. It’s drug time. Be kind to yourselves today and remember that napping is an art form that must be practiced to be perfected. I hope you do some practice this weekend.

Sincerely, Nurse Bert xoxo

Two powerful insights on Change and Healing

creek

“Water does not resist. Water flows. When you plunge your hand into it, all you feel is a caress. Water is not a solid wall, it will not stop you. But water always goes where it wants to go, and nothing in the end can stand against it. Water is patient. Dripping water wears away a stone. Remember that, my child. Remember you are half water. If you can’t go through an obstacle, go around it. Water does.” 
― Margaret Atwood, The Penelopiad

 

These last few months have been hard. Hard, because I’ve been so ill and it’s not relenting yet. Hard, because I have this struggle going on inside me. It’s one that’s been going on for years. Maybe it’s also your struggle.

It’s a need to be productive. A need to work. To earn my keep. To make my days pay. A need to be doing something!!!

Perhaps it’s genetic. Perhaps it’s programming. Perhaps personality.

But whatever the origin, it has been causing me some grief. Lately my days have shrunk so small. From hour to hour I don’t know if I will have any energy to lift my head, or if my head will even function when I do.

Part of me feels immensely guilty for being so still. So useless.

I know, I know. It’s not useless. It’s ‘taking time out to heal’. If you were me, I would give you that lecture.

And yet…

Here I’ve been. Sick, guilty and frustrated.

My husband took me to the beach a few days ago, and waited patiently as I hobbled slow as an old woman down to the sand.

I stood with my feet in the waves a while, and then sat down near the water’s edge.

Image by Coastal Dweller

Image by Coastal Dweller

Inch by inch the gentle waves erased the footsteps of all those who had passed.

There were no dramatic moments – over the course of a few hours the tide simply crept up the slope of the beach.

I found myself having a cry, surrounded by beauty, and filled with futility.

“You’re getting there, Nic. Patience… faith…” my wise husband whispered in my ear as he put his arm around my shoulders.

I kept watching the ocean, swollen from the pull of the full moon above. The ocean that meets the shore every day. The beach that is swept clean by her actions every day. Moon pulling on water. Water pulling on shore.

That was a powerful realisation for me.

The steady application of a gentle energy, over and over, gets things done.

If you want to improve your fitness, one day of exercise won’t make any obvious difference. But if you make it part of your daily routine that energy becomes a force for change in your life.

Fitness, wellness, education, writing a book, growing a baby, starting a business, developing a skill – from day to day we may see little evidence of change, but cumulatively those results will stack up. All we need to do is hang in there and keep doing that thing.

I’m so impatient to be well. I’m so impatient to be working and writing and living larger in the world. And my frustration at not being there yet is immense.

What I’m doing to heal myself is like the actions of those waves edging up the shore. I can’t see immediate and dramatic change. Not necessarily in a measurable way from day to day. But month to month, season to season, year to year I shall see those changes. I need to cultivate some patience.

My second insight came when a dear friend of mine, a doctor, came and shared tea with me on my veranda.

I confessed my distress at not being able to work, to write, to think. To even create a simple blog is a stretch for me right now.

“Nic,” she said reaching out and taking my hands. “Getting well IS work. It’s important work. It’s a full-time job.”

Bless her, she made me cry! What a big realisation for me.

After she left I lay on my bed and thought about what she said. Healing is a full-time job. She’s right. It is for me right now.

My day is a regime. Wake up. Meditate. Drug number one. Wait thirty minutes. Oil pulling for twenty minutes. Blog. Followed by breathing exercises. Drug number two with food. Drug number three after food. Food must be of a healing nature, with suitable nutrients and anti-bacterial, immune-boosting qualities. Food must also be medicine. Deal with any side effects of drugs. Drink suitable number of glasses of water. Rest. Dry skin brushing and shower. Mid-morning supplements. Kefir, which must be taken away from antibiotics. Prepare chinese herbs. Drink herbs. Stretch and move body. Sunbathing. Lunch (of healing foods, proven to kill bacteria or do funky good things to rebuild my body) and more tablets. Afternoon nap. Gentle exercise if I’m up for it. Late afternoon herbs and supplements. Detox regime, including castor oil packs and epsom salts baths. Drug one thirty minutes before dinner. Dinner (yeah, you know the drill…). Drug number two after food. Wait one hour. Evening herbs and supplements. Meditation. Bed.

Sometimes the thing we want (for me – writing books, travelling, spiritual and psychic work) has to wait while the thing we need gets done.

It’s about patience. Priorities. Of putting our attention to what matters most. And doing those small actions over and over until we get that result.

I know things will get better. I will get better. And from the beginning I was aware that parts of this journey would be hard. I can deal with that. I certainly won’t quit.

So what do you need to do in 2014? What’s the priority for you? What’s the game changer?

Let’s get there together!

Thinking of you and sending much love. I might not have the energy to respond to all of your comments on my blog right now, but I read every one. This is a beautiful community. Thank you! xoxo

Together we can do anything! Image from The Soul's Journey

Together we can do anything! Image from The Soul’s Journey

Well, that was a bit premature…

ME_113_Patience

“Patience is the calm acceptance that things can happen in a different order than the one you have in mind.” 
~ David G. Allen

I was kind of hoping to be sleeping right now. It’s 2am, and I was only fretfully sleeping at best between 8 and 11pm. Now I’m wide awake and I know the rest of the night is going to be a horror.

So I might as well blog.

I’m still herxing. My hopeful post yesterday about waking up and being done (yay? 🙁 ) was all just a little premature. What I actually experienced was a lull before Cyclone Lyme returned for a little more devastation.

Let’s just say I’m not having fun.

This disease (and like most Lyme sufferers I have several co-infections rather than simply one nemesis) is certainly teaching me patience.

I have all this stuff I want to do. I have all this stuff I’d planned to do. And of course those plans have all gone out the window.

After I sleep next I might wake up and this will be behind me. After I sleep next I might wake up and still be deep in herxing land. The only thing I can do is go with it, be patient, and know that eventually this crazy ride will come to an end.

ride-the-wind

You can’t do anything useful while you’re herxing. As the bacteria are dying, sending endotoxins into your system faster than your body can clear them, you end up with a cascading inflammatory effect that plays havoc with your system.

Right now my symptoms include nausea, vomiting and diarrhoea, puffy streaming eyes and nose, chest pain, nerve pain, joint pain, abdominal pain, impaired balance, itchy skin as though I am being bitten by ants, fevers and night sweats, headaches, random stabbing pains, swollen glands and raw throat. The one happy thought is that prior to today my mind was also on vacation – everything felt as if I was thinking through cotton wool. Now my mind is bright and clear. It’s just the rest of me that isn’t playing nice.

I’m okay with the process though. If this is how I heal, then I can roll with it. I have an arsenal of herbs and activated charcoal and zeolites and other great feel-better tricks in my tool kit. I have terrific doctors and natural therapists. I have enough Epsom Salts to start my own bath salts company. I have crystals to clutch and aromatherapy to sniff. I have a veranda where I can sit in the dark and talk to the owls. A whole farm where I can howl at the moon. The hospital is a short ride away, should I need it. My husband is asleep in the next room, and Harry the hound is sleeping on my feet, keeping me company while Bert sleeps in the space I vacated. I’m so grateful not to be alone and going through this, as too many people are.

I’m so grateful to be having a massive herx NOW and not when I’ve been working, and not when I’m on retreat. It’s actually pretty good timing, all things considered.

Anyway, it only feels like dying. Having looked at that end-of-your-life place from far too close, I KNOW that this shitty space I’m in right now is worth it. Life is worth it. Health is worth it.

Every time I have a massive herx like this, I end up with an equally massive shift in my health and I climb further back out of this hell-hole that has been my life for the past thirty years.

I really did try to make the best of that hole. I wallpapered and made it pretty, installed a comfy couch, put positive affirmations on the walls, surrounded myself with uplifting things. But it was still a hole. And each year it got a little deeper, and the sunshine seemed a little further away.

Looking back at me, a year ago, I can see how far I have already come. A year ago I was dying. There seemed to be no path forward other than faith, and trust me, that was thin on the ground.

Now I’m making real progress. On a non-herxy day I have a brain that works, a heart that behaves, better bloods, more energy, the ability to walk, talk and breathe all at the same time. My prognosis is good. I’m writing again. I’m working again. I have my life back.

All I need to do is stick with the treatment, put up with the herxes, and hang in there. I’m getting better. I have tangible proof of that.

By the time you read this, with any luck I shall be asleep. Fingers crossed, hey?

If I could leave you with one thought, it would be this: Don’t give up. You never know how close you are to a major breakthrough.

Wishing you your own breakthroughs, synchronicities, answers and miracles today. Bless ♥ xx

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Dragging your tail into 2013? Maybe its not you…

Image from www.cutepethomes.com

Image from www.cutepethomes.com

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.”  ~ Harriet Beecher Stowe

 

So here we are in 2013. It’s shaping up to be a great year.  If you haven’t checked it out already here’s what I have to say about 2013 here:

2013 – Guidance For The Year Ahead

But maybe you’re just not feeling it yet. Maybe you’re feeling a little lost, exhausted, down, directionless, or simply without the passion you’d like to be bringing into a new year.

Well guess what?

It’s not you. And you’re not alone.

You’ll be comforted to know that we’re still in the throes of that big ol’ energy of 2012. It’s been a huge year, and for many, a tough one. Right now we’re still in that mop-up place.  Tidying up loose ends, cleaning up the mess, catching our breath…

2013’s magic doesn’t even begin to kick in until early February. So if you’re just not feeling it yet, if you haven’t got the New Year Mojo, take comfort.

I created a meditation a while ago especially for this – for letting go of 2012 and putting it behind us.  Here’s the link:

A Guided Meditation for the End of 2012

Yami drinking Tea by splitterDreams at ww.splitterDreams.deviantart.com

Yami drinking Tea by splitterDreams at www.splitterDreams.deviantart.com

And for now there is plenty that you can do to make the most of this time of transition.  Here are some suggestions:

  • Rest. Don’t go launching into new projects just yet. Instead use this time to put positive changes in place that will support you to make the most of the opportunities available to you in 2013. Look after your health, and clean up the remnants of 2012.  Potter around.  Go slow.  It’s okay to do that right now.
  • Plan. Planning is a very worthwhile exercise.  Spend some time thinking about what you want to put into place this year. Journal that.  Make lists from that.  Get clear in your head about where you’re going, even though you haven’t started yet.  What learning might you need?  What resources?  What time frames? What support and connections? What space will you use?
  • Tidy.  Yep, you heard me right.  Go through your cupboards.  Get your desk in order.  Weed the flower bed.  Plant vegetables.  Find a cleaner or a gardener.  Get ready for the new year.
  • Meditate.  Spend time in nature.  Nurture your connection with God, Oneness, the Universe, Guides, Guardian Angels, Earth or whatever you call that Greater Energy in our lives.

writer

Some Journalling Activities you might find useful:

Releasing Limitations Through Journalling

Getting to the Heart of Things

Writing Ourselves in Awareness

Writing Yourself into Abundance

Be gentle with yourself right now.  Be patient.  Be kind.  And extend that energy to others. That’s what being a Lightworker is all about.  Bless ♥ xx

Patience and Right Timing

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.

~ Leo Nikolaevich Tolstoy

If you read yesterday’s post, you’ll know that I am a big fan of trusting in two things: Universal Wisdom and Right Timing.

You might wonder what that has to do with patience? Everything, my friends, everything!

Why? Well, when we are asking for a sign, when we’re newly on our path, when we’re in the early stages of love, a new diet, a fledgling business or a fresh story idea we are usually good with waiting, and things unfolding in a gradual or haphazard manner. We most often have a sense of support too, and that loved-up and cosy feeling of being listened to by the Universe, God, our Guides, Angels or whomever else we feel is out there for us.

But what happens when the newness wears off?

This is usually where we start to falter.

When things are new, or the search hasn’t even really begun yet, we run on excitement, hope, anticipation and adrenalin.

But when we are well into things, or what we want hasn’t shown up yet, or we’re staring up at the bigness of the project we have just undertaken, we can wonder if we are EVER going to achieve the thing we desire. We become impatient.

Doubt creeps in. Fear too. And once you’ve cracked the door open to doubt and fear, all those lousy opportunistic emotions and limiting beliefs from our past start tapping us on the shoulder: defeat, failure, not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, not worthy enough, too old, too fat, too late…

All things take time.  And I have seen too many people walk away from the thing that was actually working, just because it wasn’t unfolding within the time-frame they’d set for it.

Oh, we say to ourselves.  Love is NEVER coming.

Oh, this business is NEVER going to make money.

I’ll NEVER get this book published.

Or whatever other sad story you tell yourself…

And so you stop what you’re doing.  You give up.  You go home.

But what makes you so wise that you can suddenly know the workings of the Universe?

What makes you think that you can have a plan better than Divine Timing?

It’s a bit like being three months pregnant and ready to have that baby RIGHT NOW, because the nursery is painted, the freezer is full of casseroles and you have a few weeks leave up your sleeve.  Come on, baby, you think.  I’m ready!  Let’s do it!!! Only problem is, babies take longer to make than three months.

If I have any advice for you, it’s this:

❤ Relax and enjoy the journey! When we are patient, we perfect our craft.  We grow, and learn and develop all manner of new talents and insights. We gain mastery. It’s never just about the destination – and it’s always about the becoming…

❤ Trust that Universal Wisdom has a much better plan than anything you could come up with on your own, and all you need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other, living with an open heart and an open mind.

❤ Know that things have a wonderful way of working out with Right Timing. And that timing is usually not YOUR timing.  If it hasn’t shown up yet, if it’s taking too long, there’s a reason for that. You just can’t see that from where you’re standing, and you might be closer than you think.

You ARE supported and well-loved, and there IS a magic and a wisdom to the way things unfold for us.

Your job is to be happy, to follow your heart, to live with gratitude and compassion and to be open to opportunities and miracles. You’re not in this alone, so stop acting like it and start trusting! ❤

I’ve recorded a simple Guided Meditation to help you relax into the energy of patience and trust.  All you need to do is click on the link below, and then close your eyes and listen…

Nicole Cody’s Guided Meditation for Patience and Divine Timing

You are a well-loved child of the Universe. You are supported and connected to source energy.  All is well.