“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago.”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche
I’m still editing this memoir.
Because of that, I did something really dumb.
I couldn’t remember a detail about someone’s appearance. An old friend from the past. Turtle. What colour were his eyes? I couldn’t tell in any of the old photographs I have.
So I googled him.
There he was, standing beside his wife and child. Beside him, unexpectedly, the brother and wife of my ex-husband.
I clicked on the image, which led me straight to facebook.
And there, there was the life I walked away from. All of my ex-husband’s family. Their marriages. Their children.
I’d forgotten how much I loved them all. How dear they were to me.
Their children are young adults now, and I’d only known them as babies. Such a fine, big family. Still doing all the things that I once did with them.
Weirdly, some of those grown children look so much like me at that age that I could claim them as my own.
I didn’t know that this stupid simple act of googling one image would lead to this. My heart broken open. My stupid eyes overflowing with tears. My body one big bruise, and each image poking it harder and harder.
I’m not sorry that I am no longer married to my first husband. I love the life I have. I love my husband Ben fiercely. I’d never change places.
But seeing these images brought to my awareness, so strongly, all that I have lost after thirty years of lyme disease.
This morning I am hollow. I can barely talk. That’s okay. The Byron Bay Writers Festival starts today. So I shall go sit in big white tents and listen to authors speak about their books and their writing processes, and their beautiful ideas. And perhaps I’ll find a kindred moment, with someone else who poked a bruise as hard as me.
Breathe lovely girl. Bruises like scabs should never be picked & poked but we just can’t help ourselves. Your life is a different path of wonder & joy. It doesn’t help the hollow feeling or that itch of thoughts that make you play what if. I do hope the writers festival & the cow chase helped heal that bruise a bit & full out that hole. If in doubt shove a tonne of arnica on it 😄 x
Oh Nicole, my heart goes out to you. It’s so sad when, because of one person, you lose a whole family. Sending much love your way. xxx
I understand completely…..memories are good, bruises go away and life goes on. Having a good old howl is good. It cleans your eye ducts 🙂
Much love xx
It is sad that since you are no longer with the man you are no longer connected to his family, I get it but sometimes I think it is sad, more so when the family of the ex are nice people who you like and who liked you
Ouch..I know how much that bruise hurts! Mine have been poked recently too. Feeling for you lovely but thankful you are all that you are now because of those bruises, as am I 💜💜💜
Oh Nicole. If I could, in some way, give back to you how much you have given me I would. If I could wrap you in an embrace and take away your pain, I would. I am sending you love and have you in my prayers.
I hope the writers’ festival fills your empty space a little.
Dear Nicole, I send love to surround you to have you feel whole. Breathe dear one, breathe.
Ahhhh bless you . I am sure you moved on years ago , but sometimes we have to have a poke at our old bruise , just to keep moving in the right direction . Enjoy your writing festival I hope you can absorb all those tips flying around . Actually Nicole your writing is always so beautiful it’s you who should be giving the tips . Get that book published can’t wait to read it .
Cherryx
Dear Nicole, we have all had similar days, and there is no telling when we ll have the next rendezvous with these thorns of our past. Anyway we have received comfort and courage from your consoling words, that so lovingly found us in the broken state. Remember you had mentioned ” much strength lies in the wounds of a healer”. You are one … And this sour past toughened you, it strengthened you. So one brave step at time, let’s finish that book. Eagerly waiting for it.
Much Love……
Spooky, I had a similar experience this week. The name of someone from my very distant past popped up as the friend of a friend on a FB post – it was so unexpected, my breath caught. Of course, I had to poke the bruise too. It must be the week for it! Take care lovely one, xxx
Ah the path of life!…be gentle with those bruises today…be lovingly gentle with you. Blessings and love. Xx
I know that feeling of photos bringing back old memories Nicole. My sister and I went many years until her passing without speaking to each other (more her not speaking to me) and I lost the close contact of my nieces and nephew and their children. I have reconnected with one of my nieces and thankfully all the great nieces but when I see photos taken during the “missing years” it breaks my heart to think of what was missed and how much happiness sharing those special times there could have been.
All that has come before makes us the person we are today. We cannot regret the past – only grow from it. It’s ok to cry when we glimpse the past – it reminds us how far we have come on our journey. My love and warm understanding hugs to you Nicole. XOX
I’m afraid too many of us have been in your shoes and know the pain you are feeling right now. it’s good you are sitting with it and feeling it all the way through, but you know that. I hope to never feel that again, but probably will. Distraction is the best thing for it and as you are doing, looking at the present, not the past. Sending hugs probably won’t help but I’ll send them anyway.
Sending you a big fat hug, tissues, a nice cup of tea and a biccie (or two) 🙂 Thanks for sharing the ups and downs of your life. Think we’ve all done our fair share of bruise poking over the years. I certainly have. The Writers Festival sounds like the perfect antidote. Much love xxx
Big hug and much love to you!! 😘
Oh darling, I have been there myself. Huge hugs. xxx
I feel for you, Nicole, as I have a similar bruise. I sometimes – only occasionally – poke that bruise and realize not what I “lost”, but what I walked away from: my choice. And yes, bruises hurt when you poke them.
And look how much you have gained. Consequently, we have all gained from you. Thank you.
You enjoy your festival & a nice cuppa tea, you’ve had an emotionally rough couple a days sounds like….Sending you healing love & hugs { } .
Sending much love your way, Nicole. Your honesty and candidness is refreshing and wish you well over the next few days. Enjoy the festival!