Life, blurred.

Typewriter as metaphor for Lyme by Nicole Cody

“I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.” ~ Jack Kerouac

Sometimes, life gets smudged around the edges and my crisp lines fuzzle into fluffy lumps of something but I haven’t got the word for it.

No words is hard for a writer. Or when you forget the shape of things or what her name was. When you cry in your breakfast toast for longing. Wishing the words were perfect in your mouth and your mind was like a railway track, clicketty-clack, that knew where it was going.

Yesterday, or some other time, I wrote and I wrote. Because it all came back.

But now the drugs have bitten hard, and my Lyme is sending poison tendrils out that muddle my brain and leave me stranded.

Image from tumblr

Image from tumblr

It’s like dementia sneaks up and steals your soul, who watches you through a clouded glass, trying to call loud enough for you to hear the magic code which will unlock the words trapped in that other part.

So I will dream awake, and hope the tide leaves me on a better shore, one where words and ideas hang from the trees sweet as fruit and just as luscious.

Here it’s all bitter and lonely-making.  Here I am someone less, and I can’t remember what more tastes like.

Image from tumblr

Image from tumblr

35 thoughts on “Life, blurred.

  1. I hope that during this time there is a small bit of consolation in knowing that so often your words can have a profoundly positive impact on the lives of others (including my own).
    You are in my thoughts … xxoo

  2. Love the blurred typewriter photograph and the words that surround it. You are allowed to rest. Be kind to yourself. Sometimes today just doesn’t work out right. Smile and walk away from the keyboard… You are still here! Walk away and enjoy the sunshine, close your eyes and feel the rays on your eyelids, the warmth, a moment of peace. 🙂

  3. Sweetheart…sweet Beloved Nicole…even in dispare and pain you touch me so deeply…like a Mother I wish with all my heart & soul that I could take away your pain & suffering. Sending you a Sistar Motherly hug and universal angelic healing light…XX

  4. Nicole darling (if I may hug you with my words) This piece is exquisite and bleak and harrowing and very very beautiful indeed…writing so beautifully when feeling there are no words….and yet the words splash and drop elegantly like huge tears to this blog…..your creative expression is there good days bad days fuzzy days flooded days lyme days and restful gentle days. Thank you for writing so beautifully and rest please…maybe you push yourself too hard.xxx

    • Brilliantly said Maria – I add my heartfelt energy to these and your words Nicole and send love across the miles to you on this arduous part of your journey. Lean into the wind my friend…

    • So beautifully put Maria.
      Nicole, this piece of crystal clear writing resonated for me in a way that was unexpected, sorrowful, joyful and tender. Even in the seemingly bleakest moments, you have a clarity and essence and gift that uplifts us all.
      May you rest well, be at peace, and know you are much loved.
      xx

  5. Wow your words can sure stir emotion, hoping the medication is working to its fullest capacity and that soon you will be on the other side of this hill. Sending healing and love xox

  6. Nicole, Love, light, rainbow, and postitive energy are coming down the waves to you from me and many others to help and surround you with healing energies. I can feel your pain on this horrendous journey. I feel it more as my daughter is also at the beginning of eradicating her lyme after 10 years of no diagnosis. She is also not doing well currently and also trying to write, or not write, would be a better descriptor. LIke the waves on a shore you will ebb and flow with this, but the victor you will be when each last gremlin is evicted form your body. Namaste and rainbows of light. Jocelyn xxo

  7. Hi beautiful girl, I’m so sorry that you are going through this but also so happy that you have made so many gains through the healing journey already passed and that this too shall pass and when it does, you’ll be even further along the road to forever being healed of this Lymes Disease thing. What you have described sounds so much like how it feels to start, stop or change antidepressants. The brain seems to bounce around in the head, the heart and brain and body are completely disconnected and yes, as you said it feels like you are looking in on yourself. I only mention this to offer some understanding and compassion although I know that what you are enduring is more and I don’t want to diminish that. I love you beautiful girl and I wish a quick passing of these symptoms and many kookaburras to remind you that you will very soon be back xoxoxoxoxoxo

  8. Take heart in your pain and blurriness words still find their way to be shown by you on this blog. Hard beyond belief your soul has still found a way to share your words, thoughts and will give you soul-strength.
    Draw on the love, healing and support that is surrounding you especially on these days where you can’t see the magic you are still sharing with the world. YOU shine through.
    Wishing you peace as you walk through this dark, cobwebbed tunnel. xox

  9. I will send you love and healing tonight. Don’t worry about any other. You are amazing and your writings are brilliant. Sleep peacfully tonight and tommorrow’s sun will be warmer and brighter-a new day and new promise of better days to come. Big hugs XXXX

  10. sending you much love and healing….you are always in my thoughts… blessings for the ugliness of it all to pass… xxxx Kerry

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