I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.
I have missed you.
Also, I have missed myself.
These past two weeks have been hard. (Don’t know what happened? Go here.) It has taken time to get my new medication right, and we’re not sure if it is, or if I will have another relapse into myxedema (I’ve already had one!). I still don’t know if I have done further damage to my heart, and won’t for at least a few weeks until the inflammation around my heart goes down and I can have more comprehensive tests. I’m bone-weary, and although I am finally sleeping a little better if my body pain isn’t off the charts, each day I am surprised when I wake up and find myself exhausted within an hour or two of being upright. Even a conversation can be enough to make me need a nap. I still have lots of thyroid-y and post-myxedema symptoms. I’m puffy and my body temperature is a little low still. I have sudden bouts of arrhythmia, although they are becoming less. All my old lyme symptoms have flared (hello neurological incontinence, rashes, crippling eyeball pain, brain fog and nerve pain.) Also, I don’t feel like I am quite back in my body.
This weird condition I had never heard of has absolutely felled me.
So, to be honest, there have also been episodes of tears. I am good at dealing with my existing mixed bag of health conditions, I have excellent coping strategies in place – but none to handle this. And of course not all of my doctors are in agreement about my best way forward (that’s actually okay and something I am used to).
I have felt stupidly vulnerable and uncertain all over again, just as I was getting on top of my last round of health issues. It has brought up PTSD I thought had been dealt with from other times when my health has swung wildly out of control. I’ve felt soooooo over it all. I have panicked that I may stay broken and fatigued forever and never get back to where I was before this latest incident. I have also reminded myself daily that I will get through this and out the other side, even as part of me is freaking out and thinking ‘but what if I don’t?’
Ah, it’s been messy.
Still, I can see that I am improving. All my bloodwork looks more stable. My cognitive function is slowly returning, and my sense of humour is mostly intact.
I’m on bed rest until the end of the week, and then we will reassess. After that I’m hoping for a slow ease back into work again, and I know that my doctors, Ben, and my sister Simone will prevent me from doing anything unsustainable or overcommitting myself.
I’m told it will take months to be ‘back to normal’.
Oh well. I’m still here, so that’s all that matters.
I also want to thank everyone who has sent healing or kept me in their meditations, thoughts or prayers. I truly believe it helped me get over my second unexpected slide back into myxedema much more quickly than everyone had predicted.
I feel like I need to keep apologising to everyone.
Please, let me. (I know I don’t need to, but God, I WANT TO!)
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry and frustrated and still so overwhelmed and… fatigued.
I just wanted you to know where I am at.
I love you, and I’m thinking of you. You’ll be pleased to know that this time, I am also thinking of me.
Biggest hugs, Nicole xx
25 thoughts on “The Slow Climb Back”
I hope you feel a little (or much) better by now. You are in my thoughts. ❤️
Still sending energy from over here in the UK. I read the last post, but completely missed this one.
argh! lol, that got away before I’d finished typing and editing – repeat, this is not fb, this is not fb…. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but oh so glad that you’ve got your team around you. Sending you strength, healing and much, much love.
Sending big love Nicole 💜💐
Huge curveball, I’ve been thinking of you ❤️ Sending big love!
Take care and keeping you in my prayers 🙏❤️
I’m sorry too Nicole, sorry that although you do so much to help others, we cannot help you……Praying you are well soon:) x
Ok – good you are still alive.
Love. And flowers. In your way.
Thinking of you, my beautiful Nicole. Sending you all the love and healing vibes xoxoxo
Dear Nicole ~ so hugely sorry to hear about this setback in your health but this too, will pass. IT WILL! You’re a born survivor if ever there was one (even if you don’t feel like it now). You are so needed by this world. Spirit still has a plan for your life. I hope you realize how madly & deeply you are loved & appreciated by so many. You are strongly in my thoughts & prayers. Sending mega amounts of healing your way. Take enormous care of yourself. Day by day, you will return to yourself. Inch by precious inch. With big love, Sue (fm South Africa) xxx
So sorry to hear this. I’m not sure what else to add aside from the fact that it hurts to see your pain in that photo and I hope you’re 100% again really soon. I wish these things would stop happening to you.
When it’s time , you’ll be back with a bang! And if it werent for that sense of humour, where would we all have been !
Thank God for that ! 🙂
Keep going at your own pace, deary!
Lots of love,hugs and prayers
Do nothing except rest, and that’s an order! Have been worried about you and wondering how you were going. Thanks for the update. What a resilient woman you are, keep it going, you WILL get there 😘😘 love Abigail xx
Dear Nicole, so good to have you back on line. A little more patience to go (Oh! you are so resilient!) and you will also be back on your feet. Like a lot of people in this amazing community of yours, I’ve been regularly thinking of you. Thank you for bringing us together and lot’s of energy and humor to you all.
Sending you SO much Love 💗
Dear Nicole, Sorry you are having such a tough time. I know what it is like to be up and down with health issues and just when you think I can handle this you get thrown another curve. You are amazing with all you have on your plate. When you get on that hamster wheel ask yourself where am I and the answer is “here” What time is it and the answer is “now’. I find this a good mantra to anchor me in those moments when you feel “unanchorable”. You are in my good thoughts and meditation…..sending lots of good vibes and healing thoughts your way.
Dearest Nicole thank goodness your sense of humour is still intact..that you can laugh a little or be suitably unimpressed and dead pan funny about how things are at the moment..it helps…sending all the love and tender thoughts for you at this difficult time..the care equivalent of tucking you safely and securely in for the night and wishing you safe and restorative sleep and dreams that might have ..flights of fancy out across the countryside and maybe even over to this side of the planet to green fields, mountains, forests and fairies…or out under starry skies and red dirt on your side of the planet …..sending all the love and things will be so much better by Christmas…it really isn’t that far away…take care xxx
Keep taking best care of yourself! Your courage is an incredible inspiration for so many. Hugs!
Dearest Nicole, there are no apologies needed. Your job Is to rest and heal. So many are holding you in meditation, prayers and healing thoughts. It’s our turn to support you as best as we collectively can.
I am also slowly returning to blogland
I hope you have been a great patient for Nurse Ben and not toooo frustrating to look after – I have constantly held you in my meditations, especially when you have been “off-the-airwaves”…. get well soon – there are a lot of peoples that love you! Paul xx
Dearest Nicole I feel humbled and heart broken reading your blog. Sending you much love and knowing you will receiving SO much of that from your tribe. May it be the alchemy to add to all the great practical care you are receiving. Rest. Rest, rest 🙏😴😘
Big hugs to you Nicole and I am keeping you close in my heart!
Much gentle restorative love to you.
May you be feeling a good bit better every day.
The urge to apologise is part of that foggy brain. Save your energy as we all know you don’t have anything to apologise for. Gracefully accept all the love returning to you from others aka us.
I wish I could do something for you,but I can´t.
When I have a problem I often pray to a friend of mine who died two years ago. I will talk to her and ask her to help you. Listen to the signs.