I think that little by little I’ll be able to solve my problems and survive.
I have missed you.
Also, I have missed myself.
These past two weeks have been hard. (Don’t know what happened? Go here.) It has taken time to get my new medication right, and we’re not sure if it is, or if I will have another relapse into myxedema (I’ve already had one!). I still don’t know if I have done further damage to my heart, and won’t for at least a few weeks until the inflammation around my heart goes down and I can have more comprehensive tests. I’m bone-weary, and although I am finally sleeping a little better if my body pain isn’t off the charts, each day I am surprised when I wake up and find myself exhausted within an hour or two of being upright. Even a conversation can be enough to make me need a nap. I still have lots of thyroid-y and post-myxedema symptoms. I’m puffy and my body temperature is a little low still. I have sudden bouts of arrhythmia, although they are becoming less. All my old lyme symptoms have flared (hello neurological incontinence, rashes, crippling eyeball pain, brain fog and nerve pain.) Also, I don’t feel like I am quite back in my body.
This weird condition I had never heard of has absolutely felled me.
So, to be honest, there have also been episodes of tears. I am good at dealing with my existing mixed bag of health conditions, I have excellent coping strategies in place – but none to handle this. And of course not all of my doctors are in agreement about my best way forward (that’s actually okay and something I am used to).
I have felt stupidly vulnerable and uncertain all over again, just as I was getting on top of my last round of health issues. It has brought up PTSD I thought had been dealt with from other times when my health has swung wildly out of control. I’ve felt soooooo over it all. I have panicked that I may stay broken and fatigued forever and never get back to where I was before this latest incident. I have also reminded myself daily that I will get through this and out the other side, even as part of me is freaking out and thinking ‘but what if I don’t?’
Ah, it’s been messy.
Still, I can see that I am improving. All my bloodwork looks more stable. My cognitive function is slowly returning, and my sense of humour is mostly intact.
I’m on bed rest until the end of the week, and then we will reassess. After that I’m hoping for a slow ease back into work again, and I know that my doctors, Ben, and my sister Simone will prevent me from doing anything unsustainable or overcommitting myself.
I’m told it will take months to be ‘back to normal’.
Oh well. I’m still here, so that’s all that matters.
I also want to thank everyone who has sent healing or kept me in their meditations, thoughts or prayers. I truly believe it helped me get over my second unexpected slide back into myxedema much more quickly than everyone had predicted.
I feel like I need to keep apologising to everyone.
Please, let me. (I know I don’t need to, but God, I WANT TO!)
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry and frustrated and still so overwhelmed and… fatigued.
I just wanted you to know where I am at.
I love you, and I’m thinking of you. You’ll be pleased to know that this time, I am also thinking of me.
Biggest hugs, Nicole xx