Shame

Never start a sentence with the words ‘No offense’.

Gretchen Rubin

Can I tell you something?

I struggle often, sometimes daily, with being who I am. Although I am accepting of who I am, I also carry a deep sense of shame about that, and I am working hard to parent myself out of this feeling that has been with me since I was young.

Does that surprise you?

I am psychic. I was born this way. I can’t turn it off, although I have learned to manage it better, hide it better, use it better. I have been made to feel ashamed of this part of me since I was a small child. It is a part of me I am still learning to love and accept. It’s a part of me I have often chosen to hide, so that I could have more normal interactions with those around me.

Once people know that I am ‘psychic’ it often changes my relationship with them. They think less of me, and step back. Or our relationship becomes transactional. They want something from me that is more than what they would want from another relationship. Not only that, many of the other parts of me become rendered ‘less than’ or invisible. I become less a person, and more a service.

I do things daily with which the ‘intellectual and rational’ parts of me wrestle. I’m more than intuitive. I’m psychic. I talk with Fairies, I hear Guides in my head and in the world around me, I see visions, I know things without knowing how I know. I’m not ashamed of the Fairies, or the Guides. I’m ashamed of how I wrangle with accepting this, still, after all these years.

I am ashamed of how I hate being perceived and judged as soon as I disclose my truth, of how difficult it is to share what I do openly, with everyone, without suffering negative consequences. I’m ashamed that I still waste time worrying what others think. I worry about how opening myself up to the world, being seen as I truly am, also opens me up to ridicule, contempt and even abuse. I struggle, as an intelligent and well-educated woman, with being something of which education and intelligence is so dismissive. I’m sad that our modern western culture is so contemptuous of my kind, and that there is no real place for me in it.

More and more I am open about who I am and how I live, because I want to normalise this, I want to create a safer and more accepting world for people like me. But I’m human. I hurt. People hurt me with the things they say – deliberately or unthinkingly. It wears me down.

Being psychic is not rational. It is not logical. It sounds… unhinged. And for all that I have people who know and understand me, and respect me and my work, I have so many more people who, upon finding out what I do (and what I do IS who I am – I have no choice in this), ridicule me, disrespect me, distance themselves from me, publicly shame or humiliate me, have contempt for me.

I can’t stop being WHO I AM. I can’t change it. When you reject what I do, you are also rejecting who I am. Even if I never worked as a psychic, being psychic is at the core of who I am, it’s in every cell, it’s my essence.

When I ran a successful corporate communications company and kept my psychic nature hidden I was treated very differently. I still run a successful business, but now that my business is based upon a set of metaphysical skills things have changed. Doctors, accountants, bankers, academics, service providers, business people, even some family members – If I have told them what I do now, they diminish me. Oh well, Nicole, as long as you’re happy… It’s such a waste of your life but it’s your choice I suppose… They cease to take anything I say seriously. They suggest I have a mental illness. They openly laugh at me, or talk smack to their friends or work colleagues about me, often right in front of me. They discriminate against me. They decline my requests for professional services. They distance themselves from me so that THEY are not judged (like the friend who asked me to a barbeque and then asked me to tell all her friends that I was a writer, because of how badly me being psychic would reflect on her). A business coach helpfully told me I would be better off lying about what I do, or watering it down, so that I could be taken seriously as a businesswoman. He said that being psychic was ‘offensive’ to most rational people. Another told me it that what I did was ‘worse than being a Hooker, because at least being a Hooker was an honest trade’.

But they remember what I do. They remember me.

And they seek me out – when they need guidance, when they are troubled, when they are deeply stuck or when their situation is desperate. They seek me out when strange things happen to them (things others might judge them for) and they want clarification, reassurance, guidance.

Just so you know, said an author as she interviewed me for a book she was writing, where one of the characters in her best-selling novels had supernatural powers and second sight, I don’t believe in anything you do. I’m just looking for authenticity or an edge for my character. Since then she has reached out several times to ask me a question, based on me using my abilities to guide or support her, or to inform her personal or career choices. When I enquired about why she kept asking me for help, based on her not believing in what I do, she laughed it off and said, ‘Oh, you’re my dirty little secret. I guess we all just want to believe people like you are real. It’s a human weakness.’

A contractor, on finding out what I did, expressed discomfort, and then told me that ‘being psychic was quite controversial’. Another told me they couldn’t work for me because ‘I was an abomination against God ‘.

Each of them were still happy to ask for guidance and insights though. Like the business coach who dissed me and then months later rang me in the middle of the night, because he was worried about his baby daughter. Whose life I helped save.

So many times, so many ways, I have been told I love you Nic, but if my circle knew I was friends with you I’d lose my… sponsorship, biggest clients, credibility, standing with everyone else who would judge me the way I secretly judge you too… even as I need you and value our secret relationship.

No offense, said a Proud Christian Man, an entrepreneur who has been a youth leader, missionary and is still a public speaker on a big Christian platform, but you’re like a Prostitute. I need your services, but I also need to keep you on the down low. I’m sure you understand. People like you are damaging to my brand. He laughed as he said it, as though it was funny.

No offense, right?

This is the same man who publicly ridiculed me at a business conference years before, including turning his chair away from me at shared tables, and telling me I was going to Hell.

You might say I need stronger boundaries. Yeah, maybe… But I will always help where I can, I’m compelled to serve. I’ve found something else to be true too – people change. Often, people who were my greatest critics, decades later, have become my strongest advocates.

I’m working on the shame thing, though. It’s tough. I wonder if I will ever get there.

But it wont’ stop me from being me. Or telling my story.

I will keep using Rumi to guide me on.

Soul, if you want to learn secrets,

your heart must forget about

shame

and dignity.

You are God’s lover,

yet you worry

what people

are saying.

 Rumi

Forget about shame? Sure. I’ll work on that. Dignity? Well, that’s part of the issue. I still struggle to let that go. Much love, Nicole xx

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
Posts created 2638

28 thoughts on “Shame

  1. I have never felt like I belonged. I would call myself intuitive, and maybe I will one be able to hone it better. This world is not made for everybody. But you have made me feel like I belong, and I thank you for that.

  2. Dearest Nicole, thank you for being vulnerable. I haven’t spent a day in your shoes so I can only begin to imagine how difficult this must be, the judgement, the ignorance, the betrayals.

    I will say I have followed you for almost ten years and I received a wonderful reading from you recently. I do know that your gift is undeniable and your reading left me with answers and many wonderful questions too.

    I also know that no matter what path you take in life, self love and acceptance isn’t easy for most of us and yet it’s probably the most important lesson of all. I do think your profession leads you to greater judgment from others, not because of you but because of the unsavory and far less gifted ‘psychic’ people who are quick to take cash. I’m sorry that your profession leaves you open to this nastiness. But your gifts are rare, you are rare, and you are exceptionally good at what you do. So F&$k the haters and get on with being you. You’re bloody amazing. Stay focused on that and on being more gentle on yourself. Less shame, more self love.

  3. Dear Nicole, Remember with all those shamers and haters and nay-sayers and ‘dirty little secret’ people, there are also many of us who see the wonder and awe of you and bless you for the love and comfort and joy you bring to the world
    Be true, be strong, be all that you are for we are blessed to have you in our lives
    D

  4. Some people are just horrible Nicole…Often when feeling attacked I wrap it up and hand it back…not wanting to harm or cause harm, or hex or rage…but I just send back what they put upon me….it’s not mine …I don’t want it and won’t accept it….it says more about them than it does about you…..and my inner teenager often thinks that sometimes my very existence is an act of defiance…I shouldn’t .really be here …But I am here…we are here to shake it up, hold a mirror up to smug, hold a hand out to lost, put a shoulder to the wagon, move things on, help people help themselves, and help with healing….It’s draoicht or magic and our gift…and those who step away like we are smell coming from the bottom of their shoe really need to watch out…we are different but equal…here to be here and shake it up… As I’ve grown older I have made peace with my difference (but still feel awful, and ashamed and foolish and humiliated at times, like the last week or so)…but often now when I know someone is looking at me or say the car I parked up sideways beside our work, the car that is old, tiny and clapped out..l just giggle as I drive off and the car splutters….there are turned up noses and scneery looks..but when you really think about it..it’s just hilarious..they are supposed to be the normal ones…they are supposed to be the pillars of society, and all they can do is judge, sneer and belittle….I would shrivel up into a leathery old prune if I lived like that and didnt have my magic worlds, nature and my thoughts to escape to……much love Nicole…honour the difference, the magic…the fun and the huge work that you do its hard work, and skills that are not easily learned or practised…the healing life requires, blood swear and tears from us..but we should be respected for all that we know and respected as equal but different, in the same way that everyone deserves respect and if at all possible a bit of kindness too…xxx

  5. Dear Nicole, I have followed you and admired you for at least 5 years. It is funny when we admire somebody we forget that they are human and have good days and bad days just like the rest of us. I am sorry that others have made you feel so burdened. I was reading today in my favourite “go-to” book today “shortcut to spirituality” about acceptance and how acceptance makes us comfortable in the uncomfortable places of our life. I send you good vibes for strength, wisdom and acceptance. Thank you for the many times you have lifted me up in my dark days.

  6. My goodness Nicole, you are enough, you have always been enough & you will always be enough. Thankyou for being you. Nothing else matters.
    Lisa

  7. Hello Nicole, Unfortunately, fear and ignorance are the preferred bedfellows for those that don’t understand your path and the authentic life you have bravely declared and want to live. Frank Herbert the sci-fi author wrote in his Dune series that ‘fear is the mind-killer’. Changing that type of mind-set can only happen in the heart. An oxymoron, which is ironic. You have helped so many of us and we hold you in love, always. You have so much courage and are stronger than you think. We are all a work in motion. Breathe….Be still….and remember all those that you’ve helped and healed and connected to. Amazing.

  8. I understand! I would like so write something comforting to you but my english is not good enough and I fear you might misunderstand it and feel diminished but I try: people tend to dismiss what they don´t understand. That is the base for all forms of discrimination. In fact I think they don´t refuse you but the not-accepted parts in themselves. I hope you understand what I try to say. Sending you a big hug.

  9. I have nowhere near the wonderful gifts you have Nicole, but I still used to feel I had to help everyone who needed help, in whatever way I was able. And I too found that many did not want to acknowledge or appreciate the help given – were abusive, even. Finally, for my own well being, I learned to be okay with the idea of merely being the catalyst for the reaction in the other person, without being affected myself. Perhaps it would create deep thought – a reckoning of some kind – if I said ‘no’. We don’t always get what we want. I help those who appreciate me for who I am. They don’t need to return the favour – they don’t need to tell anyone I helped them – they just need to honestly say ‘thank you’….. and they definitely need to refrain from thinking of me as their ‘dirty little secret’. It may not be the best way, or the right way, but it is the way I have learned to live with myself from day to day without feeling like I’m being a doormat.

    I also have an inner hunch that part of the reason I’ve pulled back from trying to fix everything for everyone stems from previous lives. It’s like I did it before and was burned at the stake or ousted from the village, or tortured. This time, I will do it different, rightly or wrongly.

    I have faith that when you are cradled in the arms of your tree house you will find your answers.
    <3

  10. Nicole. Thank you for this. I’m struggling to find words here. I am not particularly psychic, at least I’m not psychic like you are. I hide what I am, and what I do. Your posts, your perceptions, your insight into everything is an inspiration to me, how you help people, the sheer amazing things that happen around you, well I know you might not consider them ‘amazing’ but they’re what I aspire to.t. I am so sorry you’ve felt pain at other people’s words regarding what you do, I once wrote a post on some forum somewhere that I would like, in the future, for people who are different to be respected on such things as planning committees for building, animal rights, all the things that would be so much better organised if those who don’t believe, would trust the people who can feel the energies and speak for them in the human words. One day, to be accepted because of what we are not ‘despite it’ (I cannot for the life of me recall what the topic was) I do truly believe that one day there will come a time when wonderful souls like you are treasured as they should be.

    I have a friend who’m I’m still trying to work out a way to help her, she would appreciate this post too.

    BB Nicole., please, keep doing what you’re doing, there are those of us out here who treasure you for who you are.

  11. Hi Nicole, thank you for this post, it is a balm for me. I was even worried about posting my layout on the Journey Maker face book for fear, yes it is a fear, of what others may say or do. I sing in my church choir. Looking around me and the world we live in, I have found the biggest judgmental types come from religion. Even though we are taught to accept all as brothers and sisters. thank you

  12. Nicole- Eloquent and poignant! I felt a deep sadness reading. You walk your walk, what a path, one with dignity and authenticity. You have many who love you and treasure you for who you are! Being of Unconditional Service is not an easy path, and yet, you do it, live it… Sending a BIG HUG across the ocean!

  13. This blog post. Shows why and how powerful your memoir is and will be for so many, including yourself.

    Keep being open. Keep being vulnerable and know there are those who stand by you proudly, openly and as loudly as you require. The naysayers are scared. It doesn’t help when your worn down. That is the time along with nurturing yourself and tending to your own wounds, you draw on the support of those who love you for ALL the parts of you.

  14. I appreciate your work so much, you have helped me immensely. I have some shame/fear around being myself and being judged for it, that I am working on 🙂 and letting the art work guide me. I’m sorry people have been so mean and nasty to you. You help so many people with your gifts and talents!!! Thank you for what you do/who you are, lots of love, Hannah.

  15. Thank you 🙏 for this I have been struggling with similar I’m in such a transitional stage and feel awkward around people asking what I do , I have been lately feeling a bit less than I’m a single mum who is receiving a government payment while trying to establish a business, when people ask what I do I sometimes say I make flower potions or I help support people get back into balance. But the truth right now I’m drowning some days trying to fit myself into a world that judges heck I judge myself harshly. I’m trying to highlight all the good bits I am a good person and so are you Nicole heart centred and here to support others this is big fucking work it’s not for those who break easily and we do break sometimes but then we repair ourselves and move on that’s what we came here for 🌸 much love to you for you have much work to do and we love you for it thank you 🙏 for getting back up brushing yourself off and taking the higher road it helps us all do the same .

  16. Hi Nicole ~ I hear you and I see you! Loudly! I read your latest blog with extreme interest because although I am not as psychic as you, I have a gift in that regard too (which i believe is partly inherited & partly self-developed ~ well, let’s say partly re-awakened rather than self-developed). My heart is so sad that some people have abused you verbally & emotionally … have used you too, without fully appreciating your amazing gifts. You are such a wonderful blessing to the world and to all those you reach in various ways. Already, you have left the world a better place, and thankfully, you’re still living! I think the best way for all of us souls who have healing gifts and talents of a psychic nature, is to just let it grow, let it flow & blossom where it will. There will sadly always be those who ridicule but they do so from a place of fear/ego, so we need to remember that their criticism is not worth losing our sleep nor energy over. All we can do, is do the good we can and try to plant seeds along the way. Some will fall in the right places & awaken those who are meant to hear the call. I believe that natural healers also follow a Hippocratic Oath of sorts in that we must always hold fast to our personal ethics, morals & integrity and help/heal when & wherever we can. And simply disregard those who mock us with a “not my circus, not my monkeys” attitude … except to pray for them. Your worth is priceless. I wish you knew how much your are loved & appreciated. Don’t let the “nasties” get to you … rise above it & be confident in your own self-worth. I think the more that healers & psychics come out of the closet and use their gifts, the quicker the world will accept us. That time, I believe, is already upon us to a large degree. Blessed be, Dear Nicole. With lots of love from South Africa across the miles, to you, Dear Soul xx

  17. Holy sh*t Nicole I had no idea people are that cruel to you. Well we all think you are absolutely amazing!!! You have a gift but you ARE the gift to us. Lots of love.

  18. Geee… my first respone… ‘Soooo glad I don’t come across folk like that. … fuck them I say.’

    But yeah shame is a heavy weight to carry… and our history is riddled with it.

    Fuck them I say. There’s another world that’s building. And there’s plenty of other ‘weirdo’s’ about. Aren’t we glorious. Yeah… may be the minority… but look at the fullness of our worlds. Fuck them I say.

    (the ‘F’ word for those more sensitive to its use… definitely has its place.)

    Much Love to you 💖🌹💖

  19. fai il tuo lavoro
    It’s also Italian. It translates as Do your work.

    This brought me to my knees. Tears came. I could barely breathe.

    Do your work.

    Do your work, Nicole.

    Once again in my mind’s eye I see the books, the quill and ink, the pineapple.

    Fai il tuo lavoro. Do your work.

    This is from your previous post and all you can do is KEEP DOING YOUR WORK!!!!!!!!

    I too struggle sometimes daily with who I am and understand the heaviness it puts on your heart and soul, but I have no choice but to keep DOING THE WORK( it is who we are!)

    Luckily I no longer care what others think of me (YAY!!!!) And that brings me some peace <3

    Just cherish who you are IT IS SOOOO SPECIAL and know you are not alone.

    This mantra always helps me through the dark periods…."GOD GIVES HIS HARDEST BATTLES TO HIS STRONGEST SOLDIERS"

    May you soon find peace in your heart and soul!!!!

  20. Nicole you said often when people find out about your ‘gift’ they step back
    Same thing happens to me when most folk find out I am a White Aboriginal
    Like they might ‘catch’ it….whatever it is
    You cannot change who you are and your ‘gift’ is something most of your critics
    would dearly love to have but will never tell you so
    Nicole never never let these narrow minded individuals get to you
    You are you and I am very glad to know you

  21. Wow Nicole – I had no idea. I have treasured your special gifts and get goosebumps about the magic you often create or facilitate. I have no doubt many others feel the same and love you for your uniqueness; your daily wisdoms; the impact you have on us. I am saddened, but curious, about the unkind responses to you. I sense an inner conflict within them -fear and attraction (and that combination scares them even more due to some deeper belief system) This is ultimately their issue but you need to protect yourself from them at the same time. My strongest of love and courage to you Nicole – you are a beautiful soul.

  22. Beautiful Nicole – I am in awe of who you are and what you do! Look back at the ‘Strange Dream’ you had. You are the person you are for a reason and I’m so grateful for the help, love, comfort and clarity you give. Biggest Hug xx

  23. I’m so sad to hear how people behave to you. I feel it says more about them than anything else. Carry on being God’s lover. 🍀🧚‍♀️🧙

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