“You’re gorgeous, you old hag, and if I could give you just one gift ever for the rest of your life it would be this. Confidence. It would be the gift of confidence. Either that or a scented candle.”
~ David Nicholls, One Day
I was talking with a girlfriend yesterday. A very organised girlfriend who’s a bit of a mother figure to me. She’s had the family Christmas shopping done months ago, and everything is wrapped, waiting to go under the tree.
‘Gee,’ she said, ‘I wonder what abominations I’ll get this year…’
I asked her what she meant.
‘All I want is a good nightie. A comfortable one in soft cotton that’s nice to sleep in. I give hints all year, but the kids and grandkids always get me some horrible thing with cartoon animals, or David gets me some lacy sexy thing that appeals to him but is scratchy and synthetic and awful.’
‘Could you go with them to choose it?’ I asked.
‘No! Then it wouldn’t be a surprise.’ My friend pulled a pouty face worthy of a five-year-old.
I smiled. She is adorable at nearly sixty, and one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know. ‘Would there be better presents for them to get you?’ I asked.
‘Yes!’ she said. ‘Books, chocolate, bath products, perfume. Any of those would be good. Even a colouring book. The complete Harry Potter series would be even better. I’ve alway wanted to read that.’
‘Well, tell them that’s what you want. Write a list for them even. Then go buy yourself the nightie you want and put it under the tree from Santa for you. That way everyone’s happy.’
‘But I can’t do that!’ she protested. ‘Christmas is about you being thoughtful for other people, and them being thoughtful for you.’
And therein lies the problem. Worth. Not everyone is as thoughtful or observant or organised as my friend. No-one else knows that her definition of Christmas is about other people being as thoughtful for her as she is for them. Or that thoughtfulness is a soft cotton nightie. Why can’t my friend be thoughtful for herself too?
You’re always doomed to disappointment with a set-up like that.
Christmas is not a test of love and worthiness. Don’t treat it as such. Don’t wait for others to demonstrate your worthiness based upon a framework they can’t even access.
I get that surprises are wonderful. You can get a surprise from the smallest thing. A surprise means you didn’t know what gift you’d get. Surprise! Let the gifts others give you be accepted in the spirit of surprise, gratitude and appreciation. Or good manners, if that is all you can muster, and especially if there was no thought, love or care reciprocated.
This year, if you really have your heart set on something, give it to yourself. You are worthy of the thought and consideration you give others. You are worthy enough to spend your own money on you.
My Christmas gift to myself this year is going to be prawns in white sauce served on toast with a glass of champagne. That was Ceddie and Marga’s (my grandparents on my mum’s side) favourite Christmas breakfast. I miss them heaps, especially at Christmas. My husband doesn’t like prawns. That’s okay. I’ve asked him and he wants a full-on Canadian breakfast. We have the technology to do that.
It’s okay to be kind and thoughtful to yourself, and to meet your own needs. If you don’t treat yourself like that, how will other people know to do that?
Big love and hugs, Nicole xx
Well thought out based on your friend and I have friends who it is a nightmare to buy presents for as it seems important to get it right. Very much like yours and wonderful to know.
I always buy myself gifts and wrap them and put them under the tree. The tags say they’re from the dogs and the birds. My furry little ones always seem to know just what mommy wants.
Lol. Champagne might be even better than Christams campaigns.
Good thinking 99. I have to say prawns in white sauce on toast with campaigns sounds pretty wonderful!
lol I knew this was you before I even checked (or should I say chequered hehe) xo
Good idea!
I used to think like your friend. I would send out Christmas cards and only get not even a third of what I would send out in return, but last year I knew it didn’t matter. I am just letting them know they’re in my thoughts even if we’re not in touch all the time I love receiving greeting cards more than gifts. Especially the ones my daughter makes for me, they’re even more special.
Mmmm you could have written that about me. I do think long and hard for gifts and never buy anything that I think ‘will do’, it has to be what I think they would like, so I have been disappointed over the years when I get things that aren’t on the list or obviously an afterthought. However, I have wised up over recent years and ask for something specific, or alternatively, buy it myself. I have just done the same for my birthday which is in a few days. It’s a lot easier than wishing and hoping, which is what I used to do…. and yes it is about worth. We are happy to give others the shirts off our backs, but to have to ask for something for ourselves seems alien. xxx
I love Christmas as you may know, I love to buy for people but yes I am human and I like to get gifts as well, I also wonder at times why on earth when I write a list of things I would like I don’t get anything on the damn list, why as for a list when they just buy something else anyway. I at times think I should buy my own gifts, ok I do at times buy my own gifts and if I want a cake I have to buy it for myself turning up two or three weeks after my birthday with a cake is not the same sorry but for me it is not