A ‘Renovator’s Delight’ Is Rarely A Good Relationship Choice!

“There is only one real sin, and that is to persuade oneself that the second-best is anything but the second-best.” 
~  Doris Lessing

 

In Australia we have a term for houses that need a stupid amount of work to make them habitable. We call them Renovator’s Delights, and you can be sure that anything that is advertised as such is sure to be a money pit, no matter how much a Real Estate Agent might tell you otherwise in their eagerness to get you to commit to a sale. These houses have much more than cosmetic flaws that could be easily fixed with a coat of paint or some new handles or light fittings. A Renovator’s Delight hides serious structural flaws that are often not apparent to the rookie buyer. This kind of work is expensive to repair, if it can be repaired at all. A smart buyer would be better off looking for a different investment opportunity.

Sometimes a seller will disguise a Renovator’s Delight with a quick paint job and some landscaping so that it looks visually appealling – they can sell you on ‘the dream’ as long as you don’t dig too deep. This is an even worse situation for a buyer who hasn’t done their homework and organised a complete building inspection because they won’t be prepared for the devastating structural issues they will one day find below that pretty surface.

So what does that have to do with relationships? A lot, actually.

In all my time of guiding, advising and counselling others, especially sensitive and empathic souls and those who identify as ‘spiritual’ or ‘healers’ I’ve seen many good men and women choosing the human equivalent of a Renovator’s Delight in love relationships.

Very few people lead with their faults and flaws in a new relationship. That’s normal. We all want to be thought well of, and to be successful in making a relationship last. And what’s perfect anyway? All of us have idiosyncrasies and quirks. Much of that is also what makes us appealing to others. This truth is evident when you see people buy a home. Oh my goodness, one person will say. I can’t stand all those funny little stained-glass windows. That alone will be enough for them to choose not to buy. Oh my goodness, the next person will say. Look at all those funny little stained-glass windows. I totally love that! After which they will buy the house because those funny little windows really spoke to something in their soul.

Image from Alamy at www.architecturaldigest.com

Sometimes after we’ve lived in a home, loved it and been happy there, disaster strikes. A pipe bursts. There is a fire in the kitchen. Termites eat out a pillar or a roof support. But it’s our home. We love it. So we fix it, or try to. We do the work together with our partner, friends or family, we bring experts in, or in some cases we decide to just accommodate the problem and we learn to live with it. In human terms this can be a sudden illness, a bad decision, a stupid action, a transgression, loss of a job or some other calamity. Our commitment to what has been a good and happy relationship and the love involved allows us to stay together, despite a structural flaw. Importantly, everyone acknowledges that flaw. No-one covers it up or suggests that it isn’t real.

Human Renovator’s Delights in new relationships often know that they have serious flaws but they are not invested in fixing them, and they go to great lengths to hide them. Some trade on these flaws or backstory in order to get or keep attention and to excuse behaviours and beliefs. Some will be honest and tell you they are not good relationship material. They mean it, and they say it to give you an out, but a Lightworker or empath will then feel it is their responsibility to stay, help, and fix things.

Inside all of us is a compass that helps us to see if the person in front of us has quirks that will endear them to us or that we can learn to live with, or if there are serious structural flaws that make this relationship not worth our investment. What’s always needed for sound relationship decisions is time and the ability to tune in to that inner compass.

I have friends and clients going through hard times in relationships right now, and they’re wondering how they ended up where they are – with a lover who cheats or gambles, with a husband who suddenly wants out, with a boss who keeps lying.

They’re hurt, distressed and devastated at what has happened and they’ve asked me the questions: Why did this happen? How did this happen? Why did I not see this coming?

Truly, a wise part of them did see it coming. A wise part of them already knew. All of us have intuition, and instinct. This force within us operates with a vast amount of information – not just our conscious awareness.

When pressed, all of these people eventually admitted that there had been things in their relationship from early on that made them uncomfortable. Or there was a point where things began to change, and that point was a long way from where they are now.

In each situation my clients and friends had intuitively picked up on an energy or behaviour that was out of flow, out of truth – either with the way the other person was presenting themselves within the relationship, or with how their partner’s actions and behaviours conflicted with their own values and beliefs. In each case their intuition  red-flagged something, using those feelings of discomfort and that instinctive knowledge to bring the situation to their conscious attention.

So why didn’t they allow themselves to be guided by that intuition? Quite simply, their mind got in the way. They discounted, excused, second-guessed or validated that discomfort away. They saw what they wanted to see, or needed to see, rather than what was. They gave second chances, chose to believe what they were told, and shoved that discomfort back down where it no longer bothered them. In many instances they convinced themselves that the person could change, or that they could help them heal or find ways to help them overcome the issue. Or, they thought that they’d already invested too much to walk away, or that any relationship was better than being on their own.

In many situations this person’s life then became completely consumed by the relationship and their worries over how to fix it, or whether to stay or go. All of the energy that they could have spent enjoying life, being creative, practicing self-care, building or maintaining other relationships was instead diverted into somehow trying to transform their relationship Renovator’s Delight into something more safe and habitable.

Just like a property that is a Renovator’s Delight sucks all your money, a relationship with a Renovator’s Delight sucks all your time and energy until there’s nothing left for anything or anyone else. (Narcissists and Sociopaths – the kind of Renovator’s Delight that can NEVER be fixed – will actually feed off your energy and then discard you once you’re broken or no longer of value to them.)

 

Tune in for a moment. What’s your intuition been telling you? How much of your time is wrapped up in this relationship? Are you both emotionally invested in solving problems and making things work? Is there any action or is it all talk and broken promises? Is it worth it?

A friend of mine recently sold a Renovator’s Delight after finally accepting (ten years and hundreds of thousands of dollars later) that she was never going to make it what she needed it to be. A new couple bought the house and then promptly demolished it to leave a clean canvas for their dream home. After my friend got over the shock she bought herself a brand new apartment with everything she needs – all in full working order. She couldn’t be happier.

The energies this week, and this month, support big decisions and coming into alignment with your values and inner core. Maybe it’s time for you to make a change.

You might also find these resources useful:

Using Your Internal Compass to Navigate Life

Understanding Intuition and Gut Instinct

or this program of eight free exercises designed to help you connect to and work with intuition, energy and the metaphysical:

Strengthening Your Intuition – A program of Exercises

Biggest hugs and love to you, Nicole  xx

 

 

50 Things I’ve Learned From 50 Years of Life

“A happy birthday this evening, I sat by an open window and read till the light was gone and the book was no more than a part of the darkness.
I could easily have switched on a lamp,
but I wanted to ride the day down into night,
to sit alone, and smooth the unreadable page
with the pale gray ghost of my hand” 
~  Ted Kooser

 

It’s my birthday today. Yay me!

I’m fifty, and it feels GOOD. Originally I was going to post a quick picture of me as a kid, looking all cute, and a few others through the years to now. But when I dug out all my old photos and memorabilia a funny thing happened. I saw so many pictures of friends I have loved and lost, so many family members who’ve passed, and friends whose lives have been touched by tragedy. It made me realise just how lucky I am to still be here at fifty, well loved, safe and secure, with work I adore, despite having had so many health diagnoses and prognoses predicting my demise or failure, and several near-death experiences, starting back when I was in my early twenties. Sure my health is still an ongoing adventure, but hey – I’m alive, and determined to make the most of every day. I’m still here! That deserves celebration!!!

Here are fifty things I’ve learned that have been helpful to me and which might come in useful for you too:

  1. Everyone needs cake on their birthday.
  2. I am not everyone’s flavour, but I am some people’s favourite, and that’s enough for me.
  3. It’s always better to be kind.
  4. No-one is immune to suffering. We all get to have our turn.
  5. Big old trees have much wisdom to share if you can get still and listen.
  6. The sun comes up after even the worst nights and things do look better in the morning.
  7. Sleep is under-rated as a coping mechanism.
  8. Clean sheets and a shower always make you feel better.
  9. Life is too short to live it for other people’s approval.
  10. If you don’t do what matters to you now you might never get your chance.
  11. Don’t wait for things to be perfect.
  12. Surround yourself with people who are real, caring and who think well of you.
  13. Shut the door on mean friends and people who treat you badly or with a lack of respect.
  14. Life needs more picnics and less overtime.
  15. Good books, movies and music are a kind of soul medicine.
  16. Sometimes you just need to take a road trip.
  17. Yes, you really do need to eat your vegetables and get enough fresh air and exercise.
  18. Never be afraid to seek a second opinion.
  19. Getting older is a privilege.
  20. Practice good hygiene, wash your hands after you go to the toilet and before eating, and consider others when you are ill. Not everyone has a robust immune system.
  21. It really is okay to indulge your craving for junk food, sweets or ice-cream occasionally.
  22. A part of you never changes, and stays solid and anchored inside you through all of your life experiences. That essence is always there for you to tap into.
  23. A part of you will change and grow and move you far from where you started. As you change you may outgrow people, places or situations. That’s normal. Don’t let it stress you.
  24. Sometimes we come full circle and find ourselves back where we started, but with new understanding and wisdom. That’s a sweet moment of realisation.
  25. Love is worth the risk of pain and loss.
  26. Laughing opens your heart and lets the light in.
  27. There is something magical about being a stranger in a new city. It unlocks all kinds of mysteries inside you.
  28. You need comfortable shoes for big adventures.
  29. Forgiveness is almost always about you and not the other person.
  30. Listen to your instincts, and honour your intuition. It was given to you for a reason.
  31. Some time on your own to think about everything or nothing is time well spent.
  32. Everyone should be able to cook a handful of meals well. Not just for survival but for satisfaction too.
  33. You’re never too old to learn something new.
  34. Do what you can to help others, if you are in a position to do so.
  35. It’s okay to put your own needs first.
  36. Follow your passion, or at least your curiosity. Who knows where it might lead you!
  37. Life rarely goes to plan, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be awesome anyway.
  38. There is always someone or something that can help you manage pain better. Ask and keep asking until you find what you need.
  39. Being vulnerable is a strength.
  40. If you don’t want to do something say no.
  41. If you want something say yes.
  42. It’s better to have been rejected or to fail than to never have tried.
  43. Failure often leads to success.
  44. Every week needs a complete rest day. On the other days? Meditation gives rest on even the craziest of days and can be done in minutes. Learning to meditate is a gift for yourself and an investment in your well-being.
  45. Treat yourself well, and allow yourself pleasure.
  46. Find the things that make you feel like you and then surround yourself with that energy. It could be yoga, a perfume, soy chai lattes or books. Let something define you. Be okay if it changes.
  47. Fall in love. Keep loving, even when it gets hard. It always gets hard. Once you learn how to navigate the first hard bit the wonder of an ever-deepening relationship can reward and comfort you your whole life.
  48. Fall in love with yourself. Let it be a life-long affair and treat yourself gloriously well.
  49. It’s a good thing to be a little different, odd or unusual. Keep being yourself.
  50. Celebrate life – the milestones, the anniversaries and seasonal festivities, the successes and the ordinary. Celebrate on your own. Celebrate with loved ones. Celebrate with strangers. Let each day bring at least one small moment of grace or gratitude. Feel everything deeply and be unafraid.

Thanks for being part of my life.

Sending so much love your way, Nicole  ❤ xoxo

Sneaking Back to Bed

“Laugh, even when you feel too sick or too worn out or tired.
Smile, even when you’re trying not to cry and the tears are blurring your vision.
Sing, even when people stare at you and tell you your voice is crappy.
Trust, even when your heart begs you not to.
Twirl, even when your mind makes no sense of what you see.
Frolic, even when you are made fun of. Kiss, even when others are watching. Sleep, even when you’re afraid of what the dreams might bring.
Run, even when it feels like you can’t run any more.
And, always, remember, even when the memories pinch your heart. Because the pain of all your experience is what makes you the person you are now. And without your experience—you are an empty page, a blank notebook, a missing lyric. What makes you brave is your willingness to live through your terrible life and hold your head up high the next day. So don’t live life in fear. Because you are stronger now, after all the crap has happened, than you ever were back before it started.”
~ Alysha Speer

 

I’ve had a big few days, lovelies.

A big month actually, between having intensive IV therapy to combat my superbug, and doing a load of readings and coaching for clients, and of hand-holding souls at the end of their lives, and of supporting people I care about through hard times.

This morning I woke up after a restless night, did my healing meditation for the world and all my loved ones (that includes you!) and then thought I would write my blog and get onto my avalanche of unanswered emails and messages that keeps growing while I have been busy attending to more urgent matters.

But I changed my mind.

My husband is sleeping in a dark, cool room. Harry dog has snuck up beside him.

And I am still tired.

So I am going back to bed for some more sleep and cuddles with my loved ones.

Because that’s what self-care looks like.

I hope you are looking after yourself too!

Hugs and love, Nicole <3 xx

Valentine Chocolate Oracle

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“I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you simply, without problems or pride: I love you in this way because I do not know any other way of loving but this, in which there is no I or you, so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand, so intimate that when I fall asleep your eyes close.”
~ Pablo Neruda

 

Valentine’s Day has a wonderful sentiment – that we should celebrate love and lovers, that we should name the emotions that often sit silent in our heart.

But why have just one day for the celebration of love?  Why not live with that sense of appreciation and joy every day! And of course it’s not just for the young, for couples, and for romantic love.  Love is an emotion that is available to us all.

Today’s blog gives you a mini-reading about love, in many different forms. It’s not a fortune-telling exercise for finding a soul mate, instead it’s about letting more love into your life. All you need to do is scroll through the pictures of my Valentine Chocolates, and choose the one that appeals to you most. Then go further down the page to read the meaning for the chocolate treat you have chosen.

♥♥♥ Love, love, love to you, Nicole xoxo ♥♥♥

Today’s Chocolate Selection

1. Kaleidoscope of Colour!

2.  Celebration Ball!

3. Magical Mousse!

4.  Love Rises Up!

5. ♥ Regal Enchantment!

6.  Artful Luxury!

7.  Playful Reminders!

8. Companionable Cupcake!

♥ The Love Message and Gift of each Chocolate♥

Each Valentine Chocolate has a message for you. I have also selected a crystal to best support the message and energies of your chocolate choice.  You could wear or hold this crystal, pop it in your pocket, under your pillow or beside your bed. (If you’d like to know more about working with crystals click here) The Power Word is a word to remind yourself of the quality you most need and that you are strongly attracting right now.  You can turn it into your own personal mantra by saying “I choose ___________ ” (insert your Power Word). Your Magical Healing Environment is a place or activity you’ll find supportive and healing.

♥ Kaleidoscope of Colour! – Celebrating the joys of life! Life is about living – not just existing! It’s time to enjoy life’s everyday offerings a little more. Take yourself out to a movie or an art exhibition. Meet a friend for coffee. Go to a concert. Visit someplace near home that you haven’t been before. Go shopping somewhere you’ve always wanted to visit and just appreciate all the choices available to you. Pack a picnic and go visit a favourite outdoor place or picnic on the lounge-room floor of a loved one’s space!  *If you’re in a relationship, or happy on your own, spend your time exploring the world outside your front door. Change up your routines. Find the pleasure in life again! If you’re single think of joining an interest or dinner group – it’s time to put yourself out into the world.   Best Crystal – Rutilated Quartz  ♥ Power Word – Enjoyment  Magical Healing Environment – Anywhere that reminds you of the blessings and opportunities in your life.  Wandering through the city or your favourite mall, an art gallery or favourite cafe, a florist shop or a beautiful garden.

Celebration Ball!  – Treating yourself well and living your best life! It’s time to value yourself more. You might need a mini-make-over – a new hairstyle, a manicure, a new perfume or cologne, some new clothes that truly suit you and make you look and feel good. It might be time to sort your health out, join that yoga group, and throw out all the junk food. Or maybe it’s time to enrol in that study you’ve always dreamed about. This is your one beautiful life – not some dress rehearsal. You won’t get a chance to do this life over, so make every moment count.  *If you’re in a relationship, refresh the energies with some together time and appreciation. Maybe plan a holiday together, or take yourselves out for a special dinner. If you’re happily single, think about your dreams and goals and make one of them a priority. Make sure your life is rich with meaning and satisfaction. If you’re looking for love, aim high. No renovators delights for you. If love doesn’t elevate you and make you feel safe, warm and cherished it’s not worth settling for.  Best Crystal – Citrine   Power Word – Self-worth  Magical Healing Environment – Anywhere that makes you feel good about yourself. This could be a day spa, a session with a personal stylist, time with your wise and loving Nana, a yoga class or a bookshop. It might be sitting in a lecture theatre or kayaking around the bay.

 Magical Mousse – Adventures in Sensuality.  It’s time to bring pleasure and sensuality back into your life. Explore tastes and textures, indulge all of your senses, make time for massages, lovemaking, dancing and beautiful food. Buy yourself some gorgeous underwear, perfume or body lotion. Let yourself come alive again. *For couples, find ways to bring magic and pleasure back into your relationship. For happily singles, nurture and nourish your senses.  If you’re looking for love, embrace your sensual side. Think about what pleasure means to you, and get comfortable with it!  ♥ Best Crystal – Garnet  ♥ Power Word – Feel  ♥ Magical Healing Environment – anything that reconnects you to your senses.  Bubble baths, clean sheets, music, dancing, lying in dappled sunlight on soft green grass, ocean swims, perfume and cologne, warm embraces, patisseries and chocolate shops.

 Love Rises Up! – Stand Up For What You Believe In!  When we sit in our hearts we know what matters. It’s time to stand up for what matters. Maybe you need to start sharing your message or your work. Perhaps it’s time to become an activist or to join a local community group who are working to make one corner of the world a better place. If you chose this oracle the Universe wants you to know that what you care about matters, and that it’s time to give that thing your energy and care. *For couples,have the conversation about what matters to you. Support each other to pursue that thing. For happily singles, go make a stand or start towards that dream of yours. For those of you looking for love, you may well find it on the front line of a protest or at that charity dinner. Go follow your heart and the universe will take care of the rest!  Best Crystal – Amethyst   Power Word – Empowerment   Magical Healing Environment – Anywhere that fires your passion and lets you know that your presence matters. Political groups, activist groups, protest groups, organisations or movements for social good, environmental groups, writers groups, support groups, or you on your own, toiling away at your dream!

 Regal Enchantment! – Love of Knowledge! Knowledge and learning can be a beautiful thing. Getting to know yourself, getting to know each other, learning about something new, or taking existing knowledge deeper. Classes, courses, books, travel, study – or you out in the world teaching and sharing your own wisdom. This isn’t superficial learning. This is knowledge that transforms and enriches you. *Couples, go travelling together, or learn something as a team. Happily singles, indulge in whatever learning takes your fancy, or spend time in conversation with someone you’d like to know better. If you’re single, follow your interests and be brave enough to go deeper with them. Don’t be surprised if love aligns itself to this new you.  Best Crystal – Fluorite  Power Word – Wisdom  Magical Healing Environment – Time for yourself and your interests. Read books, join a course, attend a lecture, go travelling, make space to think deeply and to soak up knowledge.

 Artful Luxury! – Levelling Up In Love and Life!  Life is too short to settle for second best. In your job, in your relationships, in your living environment. It’s time to let your life level up. Don’t stay in situations or relationships where you are not happy and fulfilled. Don’t stay friends with people (or family!) who put you down or treat you badly. Value yourself!  *For couples, talk about your future and where your life is headed. Get help if your relationship is in trouble – whether that is counselling to stay together or to exit the relationship. Happily singles – be discerning about your life and reward yourself with things that matter deeply to you.  For those of you seeking love, set your sights high and know that this is the year you can make your romantic dreams come true.  Best Crystal – Tiger Eye  ♥ Power Word – My Highest Potential   Magical Healing Environment – Change.  Change can be a force for good. Plan out your future, a future that you’ll love. Spend time thinking about what positive changes you can make in your life and know that the Universe is supporting you to do so.

 Playful Reminders – Choose Creativity and Playfulness.  Love expresses itself often through creativity. What do you love to do? Or a better question, what did you ‘used to love to do’? Re-acquaint yourself with lost loves, be that art, craft, music, foods, hobbies, places or activities. Make room for a creative project in your life, or at least rub shoulders with creative spaces for a while. *For couples, find a common creative interest and go do that thing together. For happily singles make room in your life for something that gives you creative joy. For those of you looking for love, join a group or class that supports a creative interest. And watch out for pregnancies – the ultimate form of creativity! ♥ Best Crystal – Carnelian  ♥ Power Word – Explore   Magical Healing Environment – Anywhere that gets you in that creative mood. Hardware stores, book stores, craft supply shops, kitchen stores, the library, or wherever you can make, create and play.

 Companionable Cupcake! – True Heart Connection!  Who makes your heart sing? Open your heart and connect with them. Spend time with the important people in your life.  It might be your partner, a best friend, a family member or a pet. We sometimes take the love of others for granted.  What can you do to let another know that you value and appreciate them? Don’t forget quality time for yourself too! *If you’re in a relationship, honour and celebrate your togetherness. If you’re happily single, dwell on the things you like about yourself. If you’re looking for love, get clear about what your values are, and what you’re looking for in a partner. Know that you deserve someone who will love you well and just as you are.  Best Crystal – Rose Quartz   Power Word – Relating  Magical Healing Environment – Togetherness, wherever that works best for you.  Cuddles, time together over a meal or a coffee, phone calls, a movie, spending time doing something you used to do together but don’t get time for anymore. Time communing with a favourite place or hobby.

Saying Hi from the PI

Cauldrons and Cupkaes - Goodies with me

“Maybe you had to leave in order to really miss a place; maybe you had to travel to figure out how beloved your starting point was.”
― Jodi Picoult, Handle with Care

(Hi Everyone! This is Chelsi, Nicole’s  Virtual Assistant – posting this blog post in behalf of Nicole )

Just a quick update from me to let you know that you’re all in my thoughts and prayers, and to share a little more of my big overseas adventure to Cebu in the Philippines.

The internet here has been terrible, so loading my blogs has been impossible. On the upside though, it has meant that I’ve been able to focus on myself and my own dreams and plans. I’m sorry if you’ve been worried by not hearing from me. I promise I am okay. 🙂

Being here has been both challenging and wonderful. It is so good to be alive. It seems like a miracle to be embarking on new adventures again. I am truly enjoying using my entrepreneurial brain, and being with like-minded people. I have had some late nights, I have celebrated being in a tropical paradise, and I’ve even enjoyed dressing up for dinner!

My trip has also been challenging because I have only now begun to realise just how much my husband Ben does to take care of me, and to make my daily life easy and smooth.

One of those big things that mean so much when you suddenly don’t have them is safe mobility. When I am at home, Ben takes my arm or holds my hand when we go walking, especially when I am tired or the ground is uneven. He’ll shoulder my bag, and walk slightly in front of me as we go up or down steps to that I can stabilise myself against him.

I didn’t know how much I relied on this until my first night at the resort when I tried to walk home to my room from the pool. To access my room I had to walk over a little bridge that had steps up and down, and a curved walkway in the middle.

In the dark, the bridge became an obstacle that seemed suddenly insurmountable. Suddenly I heard a friendly voice behind me. ‘Are you okay? Do you need a hand?’ One of the women attending my conference walked me over the bridge and to my door.

Throughout the time I have been here in Cebu there has been a quiet army of thoughtful and kind people looking out for me and offering that little bit of extra help that makes my solo trip easy and hassle-free. I have been supported and cared for at every turn.

My trip is almost over, and sad as I will be to leave the Philippines I am stupidly missing Ben, Nurse Bert and Cafe Dog, and our little farm. I’ve also been missing you too, and it will be good to be back home to the land of good coffee and faster internet.

Normal posting will resume shortly, but in the meantime I’m sending lots of love and hugs your way,

Nicole xoxo

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When You’re in Flow and Your Loved One’s Stuck? Be The Lighthouse…

“What does a lighthouse do? I ask myself. It never moves. It cannot hike up its rocky skirt and dash into the ocean to rescue the foundering ship. It cannot calm the waters or clear the shoals. It can only cast light into the darkness. It can only point the way. Yet, through one lighthouse, you guide many ships. Show this old lighthouse the way.”
~ Lisa Wingate, The Prayer Box

 

2016 is a year of shift and change and growth.

Right now some of us are shifting back into flow, our futures are looking brighter, we have a dream and passion and positivity and…

… our loved one is our polar opposite. It could be our husband, our wife, our lover, our child, our friend, our parent, our sibling. While we are moving, they are stuck. While we are in light, they are in shadow.

There are so many reasons for this. It could be illness, unemployment, depression. It might be family dramas, money problems, low self-esteem, addiction, anger, or a raft of other things.

It’s hard for them – that place where they are. It’s hard for us, when we see our beloved hurting. Sometimes it’s hard to even be in their space.

But we love them.

So, what do we do?

Most Lightworkers are helpers and healers. That’s our first impulse. First and foremost, don’t be your loved one’s therapist. Help them find one, if that’s what they need. It is not your job to ‘fix’ them. Loving and supporting is what we’ve signed up for. Listening. Caring. Carrying the load for a while if we must.

I know, you still want to do something! Even after I have told you not to rush in.

That’s okay. There is something you can do. A lot you can do, actually.

Here’s my advice. It’s tried and tested. It works.

 

Work on you

Work on you. Lift your own vibration. Work on your own shit. Do this without the need for validation or approval or praise. Do it because it’s what your soul needs. Find your own therapist, if that is what it takes. Get support. Get help. Spend time getting to know and understand yourself. Get happy in your own skin, as much as anyone can. Recognise that life is peaks and troughs and it will never be all happiness. It will never be everything going right for everyone all the time. That’s okay. Work on you. Do it because self-work is important, and we come to it in our own time. When we are ready. Some people aren’t interested in self work. Some people are not ready. That’s okay. Work on you.

When you work on you, and heal things in your own life, your vibration lifts. Healing and change ripple out in mysterious and wonderful ways, provoking healing and shift in others. As your vibration lifts it positively affects the people around you. That’s how vibration works. But don’t do it for them. Do it for you!

 

Get excited about your own life

Get excited about your own life.  Find friends within the areas that interest you – spiritual stuff, business, writing, gardening, chainsaw ice-carving, whatever is your thing – and hang out with them. Talk with them about your amazing breakthroughs, your hopes and dreams for your interests.

Don’t limit your dreams or your life because your loved one is stuck and miserable. Don’t put your own happiness on hold. Talk about your life with your loved one when it’s appropriate but don’t be boastful, don’t hold yourself up as some shining example. Don’t make it worse for them. They are already in the hole. Treat them normally. Have the conversation if it’s right for both of you.

If your loved one is cynical, angry, defensive or caustic – if they put you or your dreams down, and leave you feeling worse for having shared – don’t share. Protect your own hopes and dreams. Leave a little space that is sacred and light-filled and that can be a refuge for you against the darkness, pain and negativity of other areas of your life. Doing what you love fills you up, and allows you to keep giving. Getting excited about your own life helps you cope better with the space your beloved finds themselves in.

 

Hold Space for Your Loved One

What does holding space even mean? Simply this – we choose to stop each day, in our prayers or meditations or quiet spaces, and we see our loved one’s life unfolding in positive ways. We dwell for a moment on their best qualities, on happy memories from the past, and on potential positive outcomes in the future. We think and see the best for them, and our intention helps pave the way.

Image by Dougal Waters

Image by Dougal Waters

 

Live From Kindness

Choose words and actions that are loving and kind. For yourself. For your loved ones. Treat yourself well. Look after your body. Get enough sleep. Drink water and eat nourishing foods. Clean your house. Do what you can to pay the bills. Set clear boundaries at home and work. Respect yourself. Fill yourself up with what makes you happy. Know that we each have our own journeys and our own lessons.

Kindness (1)

 

When we look after ourselves and live from a place of calm centre – when we work on ourselves and lift our own vibrations – we become like the lighthouse. We beam light, love and positive vibration out into the world, and others are affected. I have seen loved ones go through enormous shift after I have worked on my own life. I have seen all kinds of magic that has been invoked through the simple act of self-responsibility and self-love.

When we work on ourselves the whole world changes.

This may mean that your loved ones will shift to a better place. That they will find their way out of the space they are in and you will find a deepening and a healing within your own relationship with each other. When this happens it is a beautiful and precious thing. And it happens a lot when we do self-work!

This may mean that you shift so far that you find you can no longer be in the same circle, the same space, the same relationship as the one you love or loved. The relationship may fall away. That will be okay too. It will be what it needs to be.

 

My sister-in-law sent me this beautiful video, taken near my farm at Byron Bay on last year’s Blue Moon. I love how the moon rises. I love how the Lighthouse stays constant. Both shine their light. Both guide us.

This year, be the Lighthouse. Shine your light. Be the moon. Rise in your own way, and live from your own inner magic and beauty. Even in the darkness. Through every storm and tempest.

 

 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. ~ Marianne Williamson

 

Big Relationship Shifts Ahead!

“The real question is, can you love the real me? Not the perfect person you want me to be, not that image you had of me, but who I really am.”
~ Christine Feehan

 

There’s change in the air, and I thought you’d like to know!

Yesterday I wrote that, among other things, 2016 is a year of bringing what is hidden into the light. A year about owning our shadow, and the unclaimed and rejected parts of ourselves, our families, our societies. About honouring our deepest feelings and longings and intuitions. About needing things to heal or change or mend or end.

Which of course brings us to relationships.

There’s change in the air.

This year, expect that change to be evident in every area of your life, including relationships. Your relationship with yourself, and your relationships with others. Work, friendship, love, family, habits, choices – all of these relationships will be affected.

2016 is a fabulous year for bringing relationships that have developed discord or distance back into better connection and communication.

It’s a year for finding or rediscovering love. For reconnection and healing. For coming together. For finding your tribe.

It’s a year for exiting relationships that can’t meet your needs.

No matter what the year has in store for you, remember that this shift is about positioning you in greater authenticity. You need relationships that are honest and real. Relationships that work. Relationships where you can be loved and accepted for yourself. Relationships that allow growth and deepening and change.

2016 is a fabulous year for relationships. Which means some will need help and attention, and this year is the year for that. Understand that in 2016 some of your relationships might end, to allow better ones to take their place. Be okay with that.

Don’t hang on tight to what’s not working.

Remind yourself, this is a year for love. Love is possible. Love is probable. If it’s truly broken, or finished, let it go. Let go of the hurt too. Open your arms and your heart wide again. Embrace life. Embrace the year.

Image by Jessica Ames

Image by Jessica Ames

I know some of you are growing and shining and life is expanding for you and at the same time you are also struggling with partners who are in difficult places – illness, depression, unemployment, low self-esteem – I’ll blog tomorrow about what you can do in that situation.

Be kind to yourself today!

Much love, Nicole xx