Not Exactly Happy!

“She looked as if she were about to burst into tears, but she was wonderful at catching the ball of her own mood in mid-air.”
~ Rebecca West

 

Thanks for all of your positive thoughts and wishes.

Yesterday kinda sucked. But I’d known it would, so no surprises there.

I could have been up all night writing out my angst in some edgy post, but I was preoccupied and couldn’t sleep and wasn’t really in a space to write. I shook my fist at the heavens, I cried, I muttered, I was stupidly angry – at God, the Universe, my body, myself, my life, the census, all of my lost opportunities and broken dreams etc etc.

After which I got over myself. Because it starts to sound like self-pity after a while, and we can’t have that.

I still couldn’t sleep. I played so much Candy Crush Soda (in the dark on my iPad) so that I wouldn’t wake anyone up that I won heaps of bonus playing time which I then used up because I wasn’t sleeping anyway.

So this morning I am levelled up, I am the Candy Crush Soda Queen, I am sleep deprived and begrudgingly resigned to the fact that, thanks to lyme, my body still has major issues that can only be resolved by major surgery and more drugs. After which, I hope, I’ll eventually feel and function a whole lot better.

I’m okay, and I’ll be okay.

 

Although my current internal dialogue hasn’t quite caught up with that news yet.

Internal dialogue…

*insert big swears*

*insert happy face*

*a bit more swearing*

 

Okay. That’s better. I’ll go make a cup of tea and my day will proceed and life will go on and my bad mood will dissipate. My doctors have charted a path and I will walk that path.

There are still some things to be done before surgery, so it has been scheduled for the day before my birthday. Whoot!

How can you not laugh?

 

25 thoughts on “Not Exactly Happy!

  1. Oh, Nicole-my heart goes out to you, and positive, healing energies are being directed…well, in your direction. I think your reaction here is about as balanced, and healthy, as it can get. Kudos to you for that. It’s an attitude that will help you to follow the path your doctors have charted with strength and grace. My thoughts will take those steps with you. Brightest blessings.

  2. Ooh bloody hell…. happy birthday you!!!! That is so not fair.
    Thankyou for sharing your life with me/all of us…. you are sooooo in my prayers! I hope you are able to get some sleep during the day.
    You are an inspiration. .. loads of love xxxx

  3. Well at least you know for certain what is going to happen. It seems its the not knowing (about the op) and disappointment of feeling you’ve let yourself down (well it was for me) that seem to be causing the problems – the anger, denial, grief oh and fear….. but then yes, ‘you are okay, and you will be okay’. So I do know how you are feeling to a certain extent…. but given say 4 weeks after surgery you will be feeling so, so much better, that with the wisdom of hindsight, you may even say you were pleased to have had it done…… but it does suck to have it the day prior to your birthday. Once again, a long winded way of saying you are in my thoughts. sending big, big hugs xxxxx

  4. Been reading your blog and enjoying it for quite some time but not commenting much. Your surgery near your birthday reminded me of my own surgery years ago (1989), wasn’t for Lyme but breast Cancer. It was on MY birthday. Afterwards I always called it my new Birth-day. With your spirit and all the love that surrounds you (including the dogs) you WILL be OK. Much love to you Nicole, will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

  5. Hi Nicole, for what it’s worth, today I heard a mother share that she and her daughter, who both have lyme disease, have improved rapidly after beginning to drink homemade kefir, and I believe I have heard that referred to before on this show. It was Donna Schwenk’s Hay House radio show. Her website is culturedfoodlife.com and Donna healed herself and her family of several serious ailments, and now is passionate about helping others to heal as well. You may find her site and blogs interesting. I myself am now making and consuming kefir and kombucha and cultured vegetables. These are ancient life-giving, healing foods, and it seems they would be right up your alley. Much love and blessings and support to you as you walk this journey.

  6. Love and hugs and tons of positive healing energy being sent your way, Nicole! You can get through this. You have so much love and support; not to mention the Universe, on your side. Thank you for all you do for me/us… It is our turn to do for you…And, loving support to dogs and hubby as they are there to guide and support you during your recovery!

    Namaste…

  7. Swearing along with you, Nicole. And laughing. And swearing. But mostly, I’m praying. A LOT. Here’s a *hug* and a HUGE bliss bomb of LOVE. Keeping you in my heart & thoughts… always xox

  8. Lots of love and hugs
    Nicole this so reminds me of the times in my life when things were very tough. Like you I would scream why me or, I don’t want this, I am sick of it, when will it ever end. Then I would go to the toilet and be reminded by the Poster I had made to put on the toilet door for such occasions. You know the one by Rudyard Kipling

    When things go wrong as they sometimes will.
    When the road you’re drudging seems all uphill.
    When the funds are low, and the debts are high,
    and you want to smile but you have to sigh.
    When care is pressing you down a bit.
    Rest if you must but don’t you quit!

    Life is queer with its twists and turns,
    as everyone of us sometimes learns.
    And many a failure turns about.
    When he might have won had he stuck it out.
    Don’t give up though the pace seems slow –
    you may succeed with another blow.

    Success is failure turned inside out –
    the silver tint of the cloud of doubt.
    And you never can tell how close you are.
    It may be near when it seems so far.
    So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit-
    it’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

  9. Soft belly to the earth
    Do what you must to get through this
    All swearing allowed
    Fairy’s wings to accompany
    Hoot of the owl
    Warmth of the boys who love you so
    And me
    Sending what I can, too
    Polka dots in the rolling green

    — love

  10. You are more than ok and you will be again. Sending love and light and healing to you, my angel woman. It’s great you have a plan and a way ahead. You are amazing and will bounce back from this annoying set back – healthier and stronger than ever. You are a beautiful force and that lyme crappolla will be gone for good.
    Sending love, happiness and healing
    Love you, Nicole xoxoxoxox

  11. I’m sorry Nicole. Hugs. 🌷💓🙏🏼 Allow room for all your feelings lovely soul. Be sad, disappointed, angry, overwhelmed- feel what ever you feel. Breathe. Let go. Remind yourself that the only certainty in life is impermanence, this too shall pass. Love and light inspiring friend.

  12. You are allowed to have all the feels! The anger, the frustration, the self-pity party, the cranky pants at all of it and the grief at the timing, the fact you have these hurdles (and you’re allowed to be over these types of hurdles). Surrounding you with such love and light <3 xo

  13. Sweet Nicole, I am so sorry it is not over and the lyme has damaged your body. :o(
    Know you are loved by many even though we are far away. Good thoughts and prayers to you. If we want to send you something do you have a PO box?
    love to you and your family,
    Patty

  14. You are so strong. We love you for being so real. Thank you for everything and please know your people out there are with you, and we need you, too. Much love from France. Xxxxxxx

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