Telling Beautiful Lies


“There is a way of being wrong which is also sometimes necessarily right.” 
~ Edward Abbey

Ah, lovelies, I’m so tired just now.

We’ve been travelling endlessly back and forward between our farm and Brisbane the last two years as one of our elderly family members has become more and more incapacitated. Advancing dementia, mobility issues, deteriorating hearing and sight. We tried to keep her in her home as long as we could by sharing her care among family members, and then one day she went into hospital and the staff told us she couldn’t go home. We needed to find somewhere she could be looked after 24/7. When she went into care it was bittersweet – we cried that we had failed her but it was also such a relief to have that burden of her care lifted from us. It took weeks for her to settle in and then suddenly she was happy again and that new place became home.

Foolishly we thought life would go back to normal a little more. And then she fell.

Since then it has been an endless round of visits to her in the aged home or to be beside her bed on hospital stays where we try to visit daily to ensure that she is eating, and is comfortable and is not frightened or lonely.

Her mind is slipping. She asks us the same few questions over and over. The stories of her youth, once clear and well remembered, are merging into each other. She was a seamstress when she was young. Had loved dancing. Was courted by a young American soldier during the war, but married a local boy who played football with her brothers. We don’t correct her any more when she gets the details wrong. It just upsets her, and us. So we agree with what she says.

Even more than that we actively participate in the space she is in. In recent hospital visits she became distressed, aggressive, distrustful. All she wanted to do was go home. To the home. To her friends, she kept telling us. We could only calm her by telling her she would be released soon. Maybe tomorrow, we would say.

When she was delusional and told us she had been walking around (when she was actually lying in a hospital bed rigged up to countless machines and devices) we asked questions about where she went and what she did. Her mind created elaborate stories to explain what was happening and who these strangers were in her life. In the stories were tiny shreds of truth. We went along with it all if it seemed that it helped her to feel safe and at peace.

When the nurse came on his rounds, the same one who she said had been sent to torture her earlier in the day (she had thrown things at him, and at his fellow nurses, and threatened to call the police if they didn’t leave her alone), I introduced him as my friend – as someone new – and said he was the best and most caring nurse in the hospital. Suddenly she became polite and compliant and sweet with him. Every lie I spoke was worth it. For her and for us all. It broke my heart to see how trusting she was in what I told her. But it helped and she went to sleep calm again and comforted.

Last night she was back in hospital, less than a week after she was last discharged. For a new problem. She was in a lovely emotional space, calm and happy. The conversations we had were lucid and engaged. But she wanted to go home. Not to the nursing home, but her old home. It soothed her when we told her it was all ready for her, that it would be there when she was ready to be discharged. Even her doctor played along. Yes, she could go home soon. He was attentive and patient and repeated himself over and over with kindness and care.

Such beautiful lies. After the doctor left we talked about taking her shopping to buy a new dress or to help me choose one. We talked about Sunday roast lunches at her house and the whole family coming to visit. We talked about her independence when she gets out of the hospital. And none of it is true. And all of it made her smile and helped her settle down and go to sleep.

Such beautiful lies. And we will keep telling them until she goes to her final home, and all the loved ones who are waiting for her. It comforts her, and it comforts us, and that is all that matters.

12 thoughts on “Telling Beautiful Lies

    • Dear Jem

      I want to open those video links, and then I don’t. Doing this aging journey with my dear mum. I am not in denial, just don’t want more for my anxious self to worry about. Jem, are they very confronting or more informative. Thank You for caring for our elders, such a sacred mission.

      Blessings.

      • Dear Kalyana,

        One video is from a Ted Talk by Naomi Feil who is known for validation therapy. You can find information about her online. It is a very powerful talk. The other video is a video made of Naomi with a client with Dementia.

        Both videos are hitting home. All course attendants were moved to tears (all health professionals). One person said she wished she had known about this when her relative was still alive. My relatives have already passed away, but I will use this new knowledge in my professional role and if I come across it in the future in my personal life (so many people develop dementia, it’s a heart wrenching disease, not just the forgetting, but the personality changes I found hardest to deal with).

        Open and watch if and when you are ready. They are hard but show am amazing connection at the same time……

        Much love to you. Kaylyana. Wishing you strength on this heart breaking journey♥️

  1. My heart aches for you and embraces you for being so loving, kind & compassionate to your Mother-in-Law. With my own Mother in a similar predicament this is all we can do. Listen,hold their hands, hug them, tell little white lies and make that journey ‘home’ as peaceful as possible. BIG BIG hugs to you all..XO

  2. Dearest Nicole

    Bless You for telling ‘Beautiful Lies’ and for sharing your insight. I will definitely be filing this one away as a reminder for this ongoing journey.

    Namaste & Nameh.

  3. Thank you Nicole. I really needed to read this today. My father (who has dementia) is in a nursing home on the Gold Coast. I drive up to see him every week and the last 2 weeks have been really challenging for me. I think I have been approaching his situation wrong. I too am going to begin telling beautiful white lies to appease his mind and mine.
    Sending you much love and blessings at this time xxx

  4. It is so hard seeing someone you love slowly slipping away.
    My mother was fortunate in that she died before she stopped recognising her children.
    In hospital she was still looking for her “home”. The Nursing staff were wonderful. At night she would sometimes walk down to the locked door at the end of the corridor. They would patiently wait until the realisation came she couldn’t go out. She would then head back to her bed. Days I would spend with her, and yes, telling lies was comforting for her.
    We talked recipes and meals. She was an excellent cook and passed on her knowledge to her children. Her last 7 weeks were a special time.
    I hope and pray she finds peace, and for you and Ben too.
    Lots of love. Mxxx

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