Yesterday

 

The waves of yesterday don’t need to be remembered.
~ Bert McCoy

 

Yesterday I couldn’t sleep, so I rose early and sat quietly.

When I couldn’t sit, I cleaned.

When I couldn’t clean, I made soup.
I did laundry.

I cried.

I wrote a bit,

and played around with an art project.
Tried to do some work.

Kicked a ball in the backyard with Ben and the dogs.

Went for an afternoon walk on the beach, and ate hot fish and chips out of a paper-wrapped bundle.

Put clean sheets on the bed.

Had a hot shower.

Cried some more.

Put myself to bed early.

It helped.

And it didn’t.

Still, life goes on.

This morning, coffee and writing…

I am okay, and not okay,

and I will keep sitting quietly beside this part of myself that is empty and broken

until I don’t need to hold my own hand anymore.
N

 

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
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9 thoughts on “Yesterday

  1. This post is so relevant to me. But, when will the pain end; the lonliness and emptiness I’m feeling in every part of my life and my soul? I’ve stopped holding my hand, tried to ignore it and plow through the day to day motions of living and being there for others…everyone, but me. I even spoke the words to my husband that I just don’t want to be here anymore. This life sucks so get it over with and go on to the next one. Then, I melted down and grieved. For my guru, my counselor, my surrogate father who passed earlier this month. His neurological degeneration made him ‘gone’ for several years but the finality of knowing that he’s at peace and his mind is finally free just did me in. The depression I’ve felt for 5 years, the busy work to push it aside finally caught up in one swift kick to the gut. ‘Now’, it says, ‘look at me’. So, I ran out the door and found my way to the grave of my guru and sat a spell at his feet. There, in the peace of that beautiful place, I heard his voice telling me that I am smart, capable and able to handle this thing called depression just like I did before. Now, I can sit whenever I want/need and he’s always with me in my heart, my memories and my very soul. Maybe I can heal.

  2. In amongst all of this – you are okay, it may not feel like it at times and you are doing great, I am still here because of your guidance and love…… “you are doing great”, all you are doing right now is turning up!! it is as simple as this!

  3. Oh Nicole, that’s a heavy burden. Thinking of you and your friend and her children. May you (all of us!) have the strength to go on being a teller of truth and protector of the vulnerable. I know you and Ben are being guided by wisdom and compassion as you navigate this challenge. Much love to you and your tender heart ❤️

  4. Holding you in my heart. That has been my days for weeks now as I work through healing. This helps me remember it will take time and to allow for the time needed.

  5. Oh Nicole. This is such beautiful writing coming out from the furnace of your pain. We too are all sitting quietly beside you.❤️‍🩹

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