Feeling Empty



It was not the feeling of completeness I so needed, but the feeling of not being empty.
~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Hey, Lovelies.

I spent most of yesterday feeling empty.

I’d made the hard calls. I’d put the plans in motion to separate a mother from her child.

It was the right thing to do. The children had no other advocate and their current living situation has put them in danger.

Afterwards, I expected to feel relief.

But all I felt was hollow.

There was a quiet still place inside me, so deep you could drop a stone from the top and never hear it clatter as it reached the bottom.

I resisted the urge to fill the space with noise, or busy-ness or coping things.

It seemed more important to sit with that strange emptiness, where not even tears would flow.

Where nothing flowed.

I sat with the emptiness, and went to bed with the emptiness, and I did not try to comfort myself.

This morning, I feel clearer. That deep empty space is still there, but it is no longer all of me.

Something this big should have a weight, and a price to pay.

This afternoon, I will walk. Or nap. Or maybe do a little art.

Or maybe I’ll do nothing. And that will be okay too.

We’re all okay, even though we’re not.

Love and introspection, Nicole xx

Hi! I'm Nicole Cody. I am a writer, psychic, metaphysical teacher and organic farmer. I love to read, cook, walk on the beach, dance in the rain and grow things. Sometimes, to entertain my cows, I dance in my gumboots. Gumboot dancing is very under-rated.
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6 thoughts on “Feeling Empty

  1. Oh Nicole, I hope that in time, when seasons have turned through the cycles of life that both your friend and her children come to understand the sacrifice you made on their behalf, that they understand that the option was weighted with sadness and guilt versus common sense and understanding.

    That’s a lot of words to say that I hope one day they’ll thank you, I hope one day, maybe in the late afternoon sun that is called the golden hour by photographers and film makers, that you’ll be sitting outside, under trees at an old wooden table, and thanks will be offered, forgiveness accepted, and a new way forward can be found. Sending you many hugs and blessings.

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