Midnight Visits

Image from www.mota.ru

Image from www.mota.ru

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
~ Lao Tzu

 

I’ve been herxing badly the past few days. Herxing is a strong physical reaction to the die-off of pathogens, which release toxins into the body. It’s a good thing – or so I tell myself.  It proves to me that the antibiotics and herbs I am taking for my Lyme disease are working…

But it also means I wake up after a few hours of sleep, bathed in sweat and wracked with pain. I haunt the house at midnight, trying not to wake anyone as I roam around looking for relief from my discomfort. If I am lucky, I find sleep again as the sun is rising.

Last night I found myself crying downstairs in the darkened lounge room. My skin was on fire, the pressure behind my right ear made me believe my head might actually explode, my troublesome left eye felt once again as if someone was stabbing it with a fork and roasting it over hot coals.

My legs ached with a pain deep in the bones. I spasmed and twitched. I ran hot and cold by turn. I was not having fun.

I tried to meditate. I tried prayer.  Nothing much was working. It was hard to keep a lid on my distress. In my exhaustion and discomfort I felt quite alone.

I lay down on the lounge and focused on my breath. As I consciously drew each breath in and then slowly exhaled I began, finally, to relax. The pain was still there, the skin on fire, the eye, the ear – but the tight sense of panic let go.

After an hour or so the deep perfume of flowers filled the room; roses, gardenias, jasmine, lavender and soft floral notes. A sense of presence and love seeped into my soul. I was no longer alone.  I felt a tangible connection to my grandmothers, my great aunts, and women from my family lines I’ve never known. I felt the divine energy supporting and underpinning this experience. I understood how much I am loved, and how that love reaches its hands across time and space to bring comfort.

Image from www.designyoutrust.com

Image from www.designyoutrust.com

This morning I am still wretched; fatigued, nauseous and herxing badly. But oh how my soul sings.  How uplifted I feel. If this is the gift of my disease – to realise the foreverness of family and that enduring heart connection – well I can honestly say that this suffering is worth it.

No matter what happens in this lifetime, I know with every cell of my body that I am okay, that you are okay, that love surrounds us and holds us, and that we too will one day stand on the other side and send that same love and comfort to others.

15 thoughts on “Midnight Visits

  1. How lovely a thought, and I quite agree. I’m rather looking forward to it, actually, and to be released from the pesky restrictions of having a physical body. But I really hope your treatment gives you some actual relief soon, instead of more discomfort. A hex on your herxing! It sounds dreadful. I’ll add some of my love and comfort to the pile, and hope it helps! <3

    • Thanks Jennifer! Of course your love and comfort helps – it all helps. And really, I don’t mind herxing if it means I am making progress. I have so much I’d like to get done in this life yet, and I’m looking forward to getting on with it. Much, much love to you, Nicole xx

  2. Nicole, you are so brave. I hate that you have to go through this, but I’m glad that it means the medications and herbs are working. I pray for your total healing all the time. What a gift it is to be able to find peace and encouragement during such a trying time. As a result, you give peace and encouragment to others. God bless you. –Lucinda xo

  3. I admire you courage in withstanding the intolerable and enduring the unbearable and in your tenacity to invoke presence to transmute and transcend the pain such that you could know love even in the fact of ‘this’ 🙂 well done!!!!!

  4. The silver lining hidden within the storminess of the dark clouds of herxing. Glad to see you found some peace (even if your physical body didn’t) and you felt the presence of your family. Whenever I see your mentions of being in a herxing cycle I ramp up the healing and healthy energies always sent your way. Light, love and sleep xox

  5. Oh sweetheart, what a calling you are experiencing. And what a blessing to be nurtured in pain by your beloved female blood line and all the other women in spirit watching over you and whispering love to you in all the corners of you home…not to mention cups of tea :))
    Blessed be and much love to you x

  6. sending big hugs and love on this long painful journey of yours, glad you can find peace and love in some of the really tough moments! sx

  7. This brought me to tears..my name is Jennifer & I’ve been battling Lupus daily for at least 14 years, the symptoms so close to Lyme disease but there is no cure. I’ve been tested for Lyme repeatedly but my diagnosis is indisputable..I know too well the physical agony you endure, the numbing fatigue, and so much more not appropriate to mention here.

    You are so brave!! Know you’re not alone & that I’m keeping you in my prayers.

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