“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
~ Lao Tzu
I’ve been herxing badly the past few days. Herxing is a strong physical reaction to the die-off of pathogens, which release toxins into the body. It’s a good thing – or so I tell myself. It proves to me that the antibiotics and herbs I am taking for my Lyme disease are working…
But it also means I wake up after a few hours of sleep, bathed in sweat and wracked with pain. I haunt the house at midnight, trying not to wake anyone as I roam around looking for relief from my discomfort. If I am lucky, I find sleep again as the sun is rising.
Last night I found myself crying downstairs in the darkened lounge room. My skin was on fire, the pressure behind my right ear made me believe my head might actually explode, my troublesome left eye felt once again as if someone was stabbing it with a fork and roasting it over hot coals.
My legs ached with a pain deep in the bones. I spasmed and twitched. I ran hot and cold by turn. I was not having fun.
I tried to meditate. I tried prayer. Nothing much was working. It was hard to keep a lid on my distress. In my exhaustion and discomfort I felt quite alone.
I lay down on the lounge and focused on my breath. As I consciously drew each breath in and then slowly exhaled I began, finally, to relax. The pain was still there, the skin on fire, the eye, the ear – but the tight sense of panic let go.
After an hour or so the deep perfume of flowers filled the room; roses, gardenias, jasmine, lavender and soft floral notes. A sense of presence and love seeped into my soul. I was no longer alone. I felt a tangible connection to my grandmothers, my great aunts, and women from my family lines I’ve never known. I felt the divine energy supporting and underpinning this experience. I understood how much I am loved, and how that love reaches its hands across time and space to bring comfort.
This morning I am still wretched; fatigued, nauseous and herxing badly. But oh how my soul sings. How uplifted I feel. If this is the gift of my disease – to realise the foreverness of family and that enduring heart connection – well I can honestly say that this suffering is worth it.
No matter what happens in this lifetime, I know with every cell of my body that I am okay, that you are okay, that love surrounds us and holds us, and that we too will one day stand on the other side and send that same love and comfort to others.