“Yet it is in this loneliness that the deepest activities begin. It is here that you discover act without motion, labor that is profound repose, vision in obscurity, and, beyond all desire, a fulfillment whose limits extend to infinity.”
~ Thomas Merton
One of the more insidious aspects of stealth pathogens like Lyme and its various co-infections is that these bacteria hide in the most annoying and unlikely of places.
Inside me there are a whole host of squigglies that have taken up residence in my eyes. My left eyeball in particular has been giving me enormous grief, although both are bothersome. As my medications kill the bacteria, the bacteria release toxins as a parting gift. My eyeballs are battle grounds right now…
It’s frustrating. Not only do I get horrendous pain and light sensitivity, I also get spasms, twitches, tics and vision distortion. In a world where I rely so much on my eyes, having them temporarily out of action has been getting me down.
I was feeling quite cranky about my lyme-y eyes, especially my left one. Funny what chronic pain can do to you. Problem is being cranky is not a great healing energy, and not very well aligned with my usual thoughts.
My poor eyes. It’s not their fault. They have been doing their best for me; working hard, adjusting to obstacles and continuing to be of service. Even in their current state I’ve realised how grateful I am for them – how lost I’d be to suddenly have no vision at all.
So I decided to write my problematic eye ball a love letter. Perhaps, next time you are frustrated with your body, instead of directing that frustration at yourself, you could send some love and appreciation too. Most situations flourish far better with kindness, and you might find yourself feeling a whole lot better about things…
Dear Left EyeBall,
It seems I have taken you for granted my whole life. Like many relationships, it’s only once I’ve noticed an absence that I understand just how much you do for me. I’m sorry about that. I am glad that this illness has given me the opportunity to truly ‘see’ my eyes for the miracles that you are.
Because of you I can see auras. I can see faces. I can read books and communicate clearly, even when I don’t say a word. I get to see sunsets, tiny insects, everyday wonders and glimpses of those special things that forever change you.
You are my guide as I navigate the world, seamlessly letting my brain know where to place my feet or my hands, coordinating food and beverages to my lips, letting me recognise people and places. You gift me independence. You give my life ease.
I’m glad that you blink and cry, squint to protect me from harsh glare, and widen when things delight me.
Right now I’m going to give you a rest so that you can heal. I’m choosing to hold a picture of myself bright-eyed and sparkly. I’m choosing to see you well and working perfectly. I’m sending you love, and bathing you in white light. I wish you well, little eye. Take all the time you need.
Much love and gratitude, Nicole xoxo