“There is not one big cosmic meaning for all; there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person.”
~ Anaïs Nin, The Diary of Anaïs Nin
For a long time (my whole adult life in fact) I have been so busy surviving – plugging away at seemingly impossible dreams or at the simple tasks of everyday living – that we haven’t really stopped to ask ourselves the big questions.
You know the ones.
Why am we living here?
What makes us happy?
Is this all there is?
Do we actually want something different?
If one of us croaked it tomorrow what would we regret not having done?
Is there something big calling us, something we feel compelled to do or be?
Sure, we’ve thought about these things in general terms. And we’ve certainly set goals. But when you live with a chronic illness and every day is a struggle, most of your focus is on getting through the day, and convincing yourself and those around you that you’re coping when actually you are far from fine.
My husband’s been too busy looking after me, and trying to keep me alive, to think about those answers for himself. He sacrificed his career and most of his life dreams as I became more ill and could no longer live independently.
Because of Ben I’ve been able to keep up my psychic work, and I persevered with my writing, even when it was almost impossible. Because of him I never gave up.
And now it’s all changing.
Suddenly my husband and I are having the big conversations. The ones I had thought reserved for uni students after a few drinks, late at night when the rest of the world had gone to bed.
After years of mystery illness I have a definitive diagnosis – lyme disease and several co-infections. Two and a half years of intense antibiotic and herbal therapy have saved my life. I’m no longer dying. In fact I’m slowly but surely improving.
My world is opening out again.
Problem is, Ben and I have become so used to living in this tiny, limited space imposed upon us by my illness that realising we have a future together when we’d expected otherwise means we need to reevaluate our direction, our decisions, our priorities.
It’s exciting, and a little bit scary.
I also see it as a blessing. To have this second chance. To be able to make conscious choices. To talk together as a couple about what is important to us. To share our hopes and dreams. To acknowledge our mutual desire to have someone else do the housework. 🙂 To speak to the fact that after living happily for endless months in a three-star hotel room in a third-world country we don’t actually need much to be happy.
We don’t have any answers yet, but we have a beginning. There’s so much to talk about. And that’s just grand!
How about you? Do you need to take some time to think about those big questions too?
Thinking of you and sending so much love, Nicole <3 xoxo
9 thoughts on “Those Big Conversations…”
It’s wonderful that the tide has finally turned for you and you can finally both ask those questions. Yes, I’ve asked them before and still. There is no guarantee of tomorrow. How do I want to make today count. I’ve done a lot of writing on the subject as there is no one else to converse with. I ask the Creator those questions and wait for the answers. 🙂
I am happy that your body is getting healthy now.
Real happiness is a state of being in unconditional love, undependant of the “likes” of the world.
When do I feel real happiness? It isn’t the same as feeling comfortable. It is when I do what God wants me to do.
I often have doubts about what I do is the right thing to do. When I act with my Higher Self I feel peaceful and happy.
Blessings of love dear Nicole 🙂 <3
You never cease to amaze me on ALL levels and your posts are always so timely & touching…and I am SO happy that you and your adorably cheeky hubbie are planning the next chapter of your lives…XOXO
Frickin yeah for you and Ben! Yeah! Yeah! Life yeah! Sx
What a wonderful and exciting time for you both Nicole. It is a little scary to imagine life being so different after so many years, but I know if anyone can set a goal and achieve it, it’s the two of you. Have fun planning your future together. Ahhh, the possibilities.
This blog filled me with so much love. <3 Here's to a future for you and Ben without limits. <3
Yes to exciting dreams, hopes and new horizons. xxx
You are a very lucky and fortunate woman to have Ben in your life. He loves you very much. He sounds like a gem…just like my Tom. I know of spouses who have left the other because they couldn’t cope with a permanent illness or disability.
How wonderful to be thinking of a new life together. These our exciting times!
It seems there’s a few people I know right now having big conversations, Nicole. Am so pleased that yours are coming from a good place and a future to plan and enjoy together xx