“Un-winged and naked, sorrow surrenders its crown to a throne called grace.”
You may have noticed that I’ve been uncommonly quiet here on my blog this past few weeks.
Those of you who’ve known me for a while will also know that if I’m ever quiet it is always for good reason.
Today, I want to share some good and some not so good news with you, in an effort to explain this current spate of absence.
My surgery back in early September went well, despite unforeseen complications. Hooray! Good news. But then I developed a urinary tract infection which turned out to be a superbug. Bad news. I was given an avalanche of drugs, and finally, finally, we were able to eradicate the infection. Good news. But in the process of eradicating the bug my vision was affected. Bad news.
I am currently suffering from a condition known as ocular toxicity. Small crystals have formed in my right eye, causing vision loss and double vision. It’s a rare side effect of the drug I was taking that was necessary to beat the superbug. The effects are usually permanent.
My left eye has already been hammered by Lyme disease, so my vision from that eye is not great. With all of the drugs I’ve been taking recently my optic nerve has become inflamed again so until two days ago I couldn’t see out of that eye at all either – a situation that began before I contracted the superbug. It may also have been damaged by the drug. I won’t know for a few more days.
When you suddenly can’t see properly, everything changes.
I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I have sobbed myself to sleep each night and been in the darkest of spaces this last little while. It seemed so cruel to have this to deal with, after everything else that has been my latest round of health battles. As a writer, to be unable to read or put words on the page has been an agony.
Each day I wake up hoping for improvement, only to find my world a blur. I can see shapes and colour but nothing has definition. My world is two-dimensional and rather terrifying. Overnight I have become clumsy and tentative. Dependent. Smaller, somehow.
But my left eye has cleared a little in the past forty-eight hours.
From experience I know that there is room for further improvement, and already I am coping a bit better with my new situation. I now have limited vision from my left eye, and using corrective glasses and vision impairment settings on my phone and computer I have managed to gain a little more independence. I can read large font for brief periods before I get a headache and end up exhausted from the effort. I’m cheered enormously by this latest development though. I expect to be able to read and write for short periods each day and with some creative thinking I should be able to get around most of these current hurdles and adapt to the vision loss.
My ability to see energy and auras hasn’t changed at all, thank goodness. If anything, my senses have become more acute.
I also have my fingers crossed that both eyes will improve over time, and I have a great team looking into all of this with me.
So, this is a turn of events I didn’t anticipate.
It’s one that has caused me many tears, and a great deal of distress.
But ultimately, no matter what happens to us, we find a way to cope and move on. I’ll be okay. Things will improve or I will learn to cope better with what is, and meanwhile I will keep asking for help and counting my many blessings. I’ll innovate in order to create. I’ll overcome, and where I can’t I’ll do my best to sit in a state of grace with it all.
My husband put it all into perspective for me. Would I rather have dodgy eyes and be alive, or be dead with perfect eyesight?
I’m doing my best to get up and running again. Sorry that all I’ve spoken about here on my blog lately has been health updates. I hope to bring you something far more interesting very soon. Thanks for your patience, and for your support. It means the world to me.
All my love, Nicole xx
PS: How cool is this Unicorn Eye Patch! It’s on my latest wish list 🙂
34 thoughts on “Grace In Plain Sight”
Many, many prayers coming your direction! I love you!
Dear Nicole, may each day bring you healing….may you know how much you give to others, may you fully know how much you are loved and supported in this crazy world. I continue to send you Reiki each night. Hang in and hold on….much love to you.
Nicole you have so much grace I can’t imagine how you could find any more to deal with this current situation you are facing. I pray your sight returns soon. I will pray for you. Many blessings and much love to you.
Nicole, you are one mighty and inspiring vision. We all know there is a grander plan at play – one we may not yet ‘see’ nor understand clearly….yet. Allow yourself to surrender gracefully to the healing process and to partner with patience so that the clarity will emerge in divine time. I love you heaps and wish you a full and speedy recovery xx
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been going through so much. I’m sending healing prayers your way:)
I am always so inspired by your courage, and how you live and share your truth ♥ I will light a candle and include you in my healing work later. Sending you a big virtual hug of support!!! – Carol
I’m sorry to hear that you are paying the price of sight for your wellness. I understand how costly it is. I’ve looked into Voice recognition software myself and listen to most of my books these days as well as use large fonts for reading and writing. If I can’t make it big, I don’t read it. But I can still hear music and laughter, hold a conversation and enjoy a cuppa. I rarely drive further than the grocery and only in the best of conditions after 4 years of not being able to drive at all. Yes, I get some of what you have been suffering but thank goodness, not all of it. You have really been through the meat grinder. I ended up leaving the man I was married to for over 23 years as it turned out when it was his turn to care for me, he wasn’t up to the task. I envy you, Ben and nurse Burt. You will have my continued prayers for more healing. I know it’s possible.
Dearest Nicole, my heart goes out to you. Metaphysically, a little piece of my heart is singing its way to you right now. I hope it keeps you in a little cheer when you most need it. The Goddess must have big plans for you to run you through the fire so mercilessly. Wench 😜
Love, prayers and healing energy in abundance dear Nicole, you mean SO much to SO many, thank you for sharing any piece of you at all, we love you and any thoughts from you worth a million <3 <3 xox
I second that emotion.
All of the love, Nicole.
So good to hear from you again. Bet we all got worried in the meantime. Hang on to that courageous spirit of yours that grants confidence to so many of us. We are all keeping you close by and safe in our prayers. Do keep reaching out to us through your words…All that we read is totally worth it…..
Lots of Love….
sending you love and healing Nicole <3 <3
May some unicorns and rainbows come to you!
You truly deserve some lightness.
Loving thoughts to you, Nicole.
Dearest Nicole… I don’t know what to say anymore. You’re beyond courageous and enduring and resilient and patient and so very VERY brave. My heart aches each time I read about what you’re going through. I dedicate my meditations to you. I send out Healing Light and so much LOVE. I wish I could do more. I wish I could share some of your pain. But through all this, I have hope. Because like so many of us who love you, I want you to get better. I believe you will. And thus I picture you dancing in a field of daisies… under the sun… twirling and laughing and enjoying life once again. I dance with you! Warm hugs, Mudd xox
Love to you
Sent from my iPhone
Please know that you are thought of and wished well with much love and blessings from over here in Tennessee, USA. Bless your husband too for his wisdom and perspective. Thank you for sharing during such a difficult time. We’re all with you.
Peace, healing, and strength be yours.
Reading this made me sad, you are a fighter, so hang in there, take it one day at a time
You continue to be so brave through all of this. I’m glad you were able to let us know how you are doing. There was a long silence there … Much love to you.
I feel so very sorry Nicole that you are having to go through all this pain. Seemingly endless blow by blow hammerings coming down on you. Sending you my heartfelt wishes for a speedy return to your lovely peace giving farm. Warmest regards. Elle http://www.pembertonmassage.com.au
I had a drawing in my exhibition (sold) of a feather in a dark hole with a shaft of light shining on it. The title was “There is always hope – always” and the Description which accompanied it was “when your problems get you down, remember that there is always something that is possible, always hope. Trust it will be so.” Sending those thoughts to you. Much love and hugs. xxxx
You might be tired of advice, but have you considered acupuncture? Just a thought. God bless you, hope everything goes great! Xx
I suppose Ben’s wisdom is irrefutable, and there’s a feeling of release in the face of the crystal clear logic of it. But it’s no fun to have to adapt to so much in one lifetime. The enormity and consistency of these hurdles is insane. Only a Unicorn-Owl Woman could even begin to attempt to negotiate them. Aunties present and past, you know whom I mean, be with your adopted niece now. I would be grateful if you bring to her hope and humor during her darkest movements forward. Please bring Light to trace the outline of her every step. You see, she glows for us. A bow for your hands and hearts extended to her.
Much love to you Nicole. I hope Ben, Nurse Bert and Cafe Dog are looking after you well.
Sending healing sight vibes you way xxx
gosh Nicole don’t apologise we thankyou for your updates, fingers crossed for your eyesight to improve and that you can once again get back to what you love.. oh and go the unicorn eye patch for sure..hehehe…xo
Great to read your blog this morning, Nicole. You look glowing and healthy, now that you’ve beaten that pesky bug, and I’m praying for clearer eyesight as the days go forward. Lots of love and healing heading your way xx 🙂 <3
Thank you for all of your gifts that you share with us. Your words as always convey connection and guidance with love and grace. Grace and the ever eluding sense that its nature is infinite is a daily dance for me. Hopefully this physical pothole in the Path will resolve quickly for you. Your blog has been a source of love for years and oft-forwarded to friends and family, be it meditations, recipes or cupcake readings. It’s amazing how you miss someone’s posts when they become a part of your world and yet they don’t know you exist. So thank you for your updates about your health because I often have been wondering how you are as you journey through this round of lyme and company.
Oh Nicole you poor lady …you really don’t deserve this . I have been wondering what has happened to you kept thinking all the time . Keep on being grateful the universe is listening my sweet . ❤️ Xx
Thank the Universe for Ben…and the team of Doctors…Meditation…Carly…all of us praying for you…and if Google can’t locate a unicorn eyepatch somewhere in this world, I shall make you one! Miss you so much, getting hugs, hearing you laugh & most of all…just having you back here at The Farm…XOXOXOXO
Ohhh dear Nicole. .. lotsa LUV to you <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
What a journey…someone should read to you your blog…cos it sounds amazing from where I sit…your bravery, your honesty, your commitment to self and others has me in awe…and heaven knows we all need some ‘awe’ moments at this time. Often I think of you, my nursing background giving an insight into where you are, and how such a journey has, for you, had many complications and the road longer and tougher than you could have imagined. So awe it is…you are truly an awesome being. Much love and healing blessings to you. M😍❤️
Hang in there. My thoughts are with you to continue healing.