“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”
~ Hermann Hesse
I still can’t see.
I still can’t see except for a brief window each morning before exhaustion and overwhelm kick in. In that brief window my left eye has reasonable vision. I can read large text and navigate the world around me more easily. I can write. I can feel briefly safe and more normal. By lunch-time clarity is melting away. By nightfall everything is a blur.
I’ve always believed that there is something to be learned or understood from every experience, if only I am brave enough to ask the big questions. If only I am brave enough to sit open and unknowing – waiting for whatever insights and answers may come.
For days now I have been asking myself ‘What am I not seeing?’ It seemed a sensible question, given my current circumstances.
I’ve had some major realisations around access and disability and what matters in life. I’ve thought deeply about helplessness and dependence and my difficulty with asking for help. I’ve sat with the truths of my need to serve, and my fear of not making a difference. Of my old childhood anxiety around feeling like a freak and never fitting in. Of not being loved if people knew my truth – if they truly ‘saw’ me. Of the pain of ‘not being seen’ by those I love.
I’ve owned the need for self first, of slowing down, of finding grace in impossible situations, of enlightenment through suffering. I’ve watched from outside myself as a part of me has danced with a range of emotions.
And I kept asking myself – What am I not seeing?
What am I not seeing?
Eventually the words themselves became a noose that drew tighter and tighter. I’d stripped myself bare. There seemed nothing more to find. My world grew smaller and darker, my depression and frustration more profound.
I tried to sit in that place of darkness and stuckness. I hoped that by sitting there some great breakthough would come.
Suddenly it came to me, and the realisation was so powerful that waves of relief flooded my body. I am psychic after all. I live between worlds. I have always seen what others cannot.
All this question of ‘What am I not seeing?’ was doing was keeping me stuck in my head. In my rational self. A useful place to be in small doses, but the one perspective I will ever find there will be my own.
‘Not seeing’ ultimately gave only limited answers. It closed me down.
But now I Knew I had the key within me to bring light back into this dark space.
I reframed my question.
What can I see?
The boundaries of my tiny existence exploded. I moved from my head to my soul.
I still might not be able to see with my eyes, but I can see so much more clearly from this new perspective, and I know there is much here to learn and explore.
How about you? What can you see?
Sit with it for a while. I think you’ll be glad that you did.
Please know that you’re in my thoughts, prayers and daily meditations.
All my love, Nicole <3 xx