“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”
~ Hermann Hesse
I still can’t see.
I still can’t see except for a brief window each morning before exhaustion and overwhelm kick in. In that brief window my left eye has reasonable vision. I can read large text and navigate the world around me more easily. I can write. I can feel briefly safe and more normal. By lunch-time clarity is melting away. By nightfall everything is a blur.
I’ve always believed that there is something to be learned or understood from every experience, if only I am brave enough to ask the big questions. If only I am brave enough to sit open and unknowing – waiting for whatever insights and answers may come.
For days now I have been asking myself ‘What am I not seeing?’ It seemed a sensible question, given my current circumstances.
I’ve had some major realisations around access and disability and what matters in life. I’ve thought deeply about helplessness and dependence and my difficulty with asking for help. I’ve sat with the truths of my need to serve, and my fear of not making a difference. Of my old childhood anxiety around feeling like a freak and never fitting in. Of not being loved if people knew my truth – if they truly ‘saw’ me. Of the pain of ‘not being seen’ by those I love.
I’ve owned the need for self first, of slowing down, of finding grace in impossible situations, of enlightenment through suffering. I’ve watched from outside myself as a part of me has danced with a range of emotions.
And I kept asking myself – What am I not seeing?
What am I not seeing?
Eventually the words themselves became a noose that drew tighter and tighter. I’d stripped myself bare. There seemed nothing more to find. My world grew smaller and darker, my depression and frustration more profound.
I tried to sit in that place of darkness and stuckness. I hoped that by sitting there some great breakthough would come.
Suddenly it came to me, and the realisation was so powerful that waves of relief flooded my body. I am psychic after all. I live between worlds. I have always seen what others cannot.
All this question of ‘What am I not seeing?’ was doing was keeping me stuck in my head. In my rational self. A useful place to be in small doses, but the one perspective I will ever find there will be my own.
‘Not seeing’ ultimately gave only limited answers. It closed me down.
But now I Knew I had the key within me to bring light back into this dark space.
I reframed my question.
What can I see?
The boundaries of my tiny existence exploded. I moved from my head to my soul.
I still might not be able to see with my eyes, but I can see so much more clearly from this new perspective, and I know there is much here to learn and explore.
How about you? What can you see?
Sit with it for a while. I think you’ll be glad that you did.
Please know that you’re in my thoughts, prayers and daily meditations.
All my love, Nicole <3 xx
19 thoughts on “Sitting with the Big Questions”
You are amazing, Nicole. And how perfect was it to read this quote is the very next email I opened:
The Right Mind and the Confused Mind
When the Right Mind congeals and settles in one place, it becomes what is called the Confused Mind. When the Right Mind is lost, it is lacking in function here and there. For this reason, it is important not to lose it.
In not remaining in one place, the Right Mind is like water. The Confused Mind is like ice, and ice is unable to wash hands or head. When ice is melted, it becomes water and flows everywhere, and it can wash the hands, the feet, or anything else.
If the mind congeals in one place and remains with one thing, it is like frozen water and is unable to be used freely: ice that can wash neither hands nor feet. When the mind is melted and is used like water, extending throughout the body, it can be sent wherever one wants to send it.
This is the Right Mind.
Excerpted from: The Unfettered Mind: Writings from a Zen Master to a Master Swordsman
by Takuan Sōhō
Huge hugs & heaps of love to you,
Love to you Nicole. You show enormous courage and wisdom which rebounds to us all. XXXX
Thank you Nicole for this post. Reframing the question to: What can I see? gave me an intense burst of energy -wow did that change something.
Much love xx
I am praying for your total recovery Nicole, with no Lyme in your body at all. I include you in my healing meditations. You are a gift to this world in any and all ways your evolution takes you. You are loved and cherished here in this illusion world that we collectively create, and in the energetic world where our true selves call home.
You are an amazing woman … Blessings and love to you!
Amazing question that really does open up a whole other world, way beyond the 3D one. Thank you for still being an incredible spiritual teacher when you have so much going on in your own life. Much love to you Nicole, holding you in my prayers xxxxxxx
I see a very brave lady . If you didn’t fit in as a child Nicole then it’s those children’s loss . I would love to be in your gang . You are in my thoughts and prayers …you take care ❤️❤️❤️
What can we see. . .what is. . .beauty, expanding, illuminating, room to jump off and soar, space to breathe, clear access to vibrant inner color, seeing through hearing, noticing tenderness in the next person’s voice, hearing the gentle caring in murmuring sounds of support, feeling strength in the way a person tells their story, feeling my courage kindled by theirs, melting at the sound of husband’s voice, feeling my excited dog’s body being wagged by it’s tail, feeling the trembling beauty of an orchid petal, sensing Perfection in all Her forms. . .hugs to Nicole for helping me see.
Nicole, thank you for being here in this space, this world, this reality. We need you! Sending love, light, and deep appreciation for all that you are and share with all of us. 💜
Sooo beautifully said! I am learning more and more that the key is in asking the right question, and you nailed that. Sending much love and healing your way!
aah, not fitting in, not being seen, etc etc. I’ve had those same thoughts and feelings, in the not too distant past. Happy exploring 🙂 I always liken this journey to peeling the layers of an onion one piece at a time. Will be interesting to hear what you come to. Life is an interesting journey isn’t it. Very, very happy that you are improving – perhaps not as quickly as you would like… its a bit like an enforced retreat 🙂 Keep on keeping on. much love and hugs xxx
Excellent way to re-frame the question. Thank you for that. It has helped me too.
Thanks for the update Nic, it’s lovely to read how you’re progressing. Lots of love and hugs, Michelle xox <3 Now to ponder upon your question ……
<3 <3 <3
Amazing – what can I see?
Amazing that you are still thinking of others during this time.
Thinking of you xxx
Thankyou, Nicole for this clear insight. It has truly helped me. God Bless You with your highest good this day. Loving you, Sue 💜xxx
You strike me as incredibly brace and insightful. I will sit with that question and see what I can see too. Stay you❤️