“Before you can live a part of you has to die. You have to let go of what could have been, how you should have acted and what you wish you would have said differently. You have to accept that you can’t change the past experiences, opinions of others at that moment in time or outcomes from their choices or yours. When you finally recognize that truth then you will understand the true meaning of forgiveness of yourself and others. From this point you will finally be free.”
~ Shannon L. Alder
It was seeing my mother yesterday that finally and unexpectedly helped me to let go of something I’d been holding onto for the longest time.
I hadn’t seen mum for a while, and I was quietly shocked to see how tired and old and careworn she looked. How much like my late grandmother.
There was something else I recognised in the lines of her face, the creases of her eyes, the aging skin on the back of her hands…
Me.
There I was, in my mother’s face. In her posture and her laugh, and her sun-damaged winter-skinned hands.
Mum’s getting older, and so am I.
It wasn’t a bad feeling. It was an honest acceptance of this thing that is time, marching through our too-short lives and stealing our days whether we are ready or not.
Of course, Lyme disease has also stolen many of my days. Too many, really. But I can’t afford to look back. My power lies in living in the moment, facing forward.
Which is why, close to midnight I rose from my bed, remembering something I hadn’t thought of for a while.
It was there, shoved into the back of the linen closet. Hidden by old towels and sheets. Unused, but never able to be let go of. Just in case. I pulled it out and sat with it for a while. Not sad. Just ready to finally let go.
Many years ago, before I was even married, my nana gave me a tiny pair of knitted booties, a crocheted bonnet and a baby blanket. I was perhaps twenty at the time, and had taken a year off college because of what we thought were the post-illness complications of Ross River fever. I was actually in full-blown lyme, but that’s a whole other story. I hung out with my nana a lot that year, nana and her elderly friends. We swapped arthritis treatments and pain remedies. Despite our age differences we moved in time. Slowly. Limpingly. I was a good fit with the octogenarians. They helped me deal with my limitations, my heart arrhythmias, my exhaustion and lack of mobility. They helped me to laugh at life, and to find pleasure and satisfaction in the small details of my day.
During that year Nana gave me these tiny white treasures for my Glory Box. For when I inevitably became a mother myself.
They were beautiful with their silky little ribbons and tight neat stitches.
I wrapped them in tissue paper and put them in a shoebox. A shoebox that got carted across the country and back again. A shoebox that was always crammed into the back of cupboards as I dealt with ill-health, my first failing marriage, and then the five miscarriages that accompanied my second marriage.
But I could never quite part with those tiny white dreams.
Until today.
I’m too old for children now. My dreams have shifted. My reality has changed. I am where I am and where I am is okay.
The tissue paper is musty and the once-white ribbons have the speckled stains of age. With care and a good wash they might all be made good for someone else. Or perhaps they’d be a lovely outfit for a dolly.
This morning when we take Cafe Dog for his outing, I’ll stop in at the local church and put the shoebox in the thrift shop donation bin.
If new babies are born into our family line, I shall find them bright new dreams and fancies.
We can’t carry everything with us.
I know Nana will understand.
Is there anything in the back of your closet that you need to let go of too? Courage, friend. We have today in our hands, and a new day tightly furled, waiting in the wings of this one. Life is full of amazing gifts when our hearts are open to receive.
What a beautiful acceptance of where you are. Lovely!
Darling Nicole, As always, such an honest moment shared with us in such a down-to-earth way. You are truly a breath of fresh air, sharing your soul with us and allowing your vulnerability to shine. I am truly grateful for you, your resilience, your optimism and your appreciation of the small things in life that truly matter. Heaven sent!! xxxx
Hello Nicole, I am new to your blog. I wanted to let you know how much this piece touched me. I also have held on to many things and I see my mother in myself more each passing day. In my hands I see her worn hands and in my face I see the time worn wrinkles she has. I look at the things I have held onto and realize I am getting older and have health problems and probably will never use them. I need to pass them on to someone else to love and enjoy. I need to also be free of the clutter that is holding me down. I am so much enjoying reading all of your blogs and I love your dogs! I am glad you are feeling better. From rainy Ohio……
Jen
Ah, yes. I remember that now. I bought a white wrought iron cradle that swung from side to side. It was to have a place for my son and his wife to put their babies when they came to visit. The babies didn’t come. 10 years in she admitted she didn’t really want children. The cradle was sold at a yard sale and my dream of being a grandmother went with it. It was just as well. My daughter couldn’t have children either. Ill health and poor choices in men. Sometimes life has to be good enough just as it is. And so it is. I do ache a bit for you though.
As many have said, things that were my parents – just sitting in boxes. I let go of bits and pieces from time to time – and I know the time is coming to finish. I think letting go of the last of these treasures of theirs would solidify my being an orphan.
Yes another bloody touching post letting going but not really kind of just shifting ones focus
You have found a different way to nurture. Love and light.
So beautiful, Nicole. I cried. Yes, there are things I need to let go of. Big love <3
Hugs to you. 😘
Much love to you, Nicole. There is great freedom in letting go, it’s just finding the right time, and the courage to do so xx
Oh my goodness Nicole. You couldn’t possibly know how desperately I needed to these exact words today. Thank you ❤️
What an amazing post. Thank you.
I understand. Letting go of the dreams once held by our younger selves is such a release but is also something that can never be rushed.
One of my moments doing this……even though I was ready to do it, the wrench still occurred.
xoxo
https://lunaquirks.wordpress.com/2014/07/09/letting-go-of-the-past/
Holding you, beautiful Nicole. Mx
Thanks Nicole. I have been holding onto many pieces that were my mothers- thinking I will make something with them- i cam going to clean out that shelf on the linen press. big hugs xxoo
Dear Nicole – I am sorry that dream never came to pass.
I think your Nana would definitely understand.
Be gentle with yourself today.
Much peace and hugs.
Love Susan
How perfect to hear this now. Such synchronisity. I am in the midst of major shifts and letting go. Literally and figuratively.
We all have stuff to let go of. Thank you.
I just recently found your blog and enjoy it very much. (I am new to the blog world.)
Regarding your lyme disease – I wish you good health.
Very true indeed
Reblogged this on Tales From An Immigrant Child.
Beautiful.