“People who want a cure, provided they can have it without pain, are like those who favour progress, provided they can have it without change.”
~ Anthony de Mello
So, here I am, still in hospital.
There have been a few little bumps in the road, including a massive resurgence of lyme symptoms and herxing, post-operation, as I was filled with what seemed like enough antibiotics and other drugs to treat an entire small pox-ridden and hurting country. My poor body has endured a bit of a rough ride. I’m bruised and bloated and scarred and bandaged. Wings of my hair have literally gone white overnight. It’s oddly fascinating.
As well as my four-hour surgery, I have needed to deal with unexpected bladder problems and surgery, lyme-induced loss of vision in my left eye, loss of balance, light sensitivity, bone and nerve pain, raging insomnia and terrible constipation and nausea from my pain meds.
And still, my doctors are pleased with my progress and I am healing well.
Between the pain, the constant intrusion of nurses doing observations, and the insomnia, that’s a lot of time awake. That’s a lot of time unable to be filled with television or books or iPad games or writing thanks to my dodgy eye. (I am writing this with a 200% screen magnification and one eye resolutely screwed closed. It’s taken me about fifteen spurts of energy and then rests to get all of this written; not my usual efficiency – but these are unusual circumstances.)
What can you do when you are in pain and unable to use external distractions? When you want to be able to work on your book but you can’t see to read the words?
I can happily report that I have spent most of the past eight days back in the Kimberley, with my Aboriginal Aunties. Using my imagination and memories as a portal I have returned again and again to the places and people so dear to me, and that form the backbone of my memoir.
I have sat with the late night silence and the loneliness, and spun them into a ladder to elevate me beyond my pain.
I have practiced deep listening.
I have meditated, and I have prayed.
I’ve also time-travelled back into myself. The hours between eleven pm and four am seem well-suited to reflection and analysis of my life. I’ve dug deep into places I had long covered over. What did I really feel? Why did I really make one choice over another? What emotions were in my body? Where was my head? I’ve strung the answers like beads on a mala, knowing that as I hold each one when I am able to come back to my writing I will remember, and that this new understanding will better inform my work. I’ve come to a more honest place. A kinder place. There has been much forgiveness this past week, of myself and others. My stay in hospital has gifted me clarity, and a way forward, finally, to be able to finish this book of mine, and get it ready to send out into the world.
The other thing I have done is gather life stories and vignettes; stories about the nurses and their lives, stories from cleaners and room service tray attendants, from the other patients who are limping slow laps of the ward as they push their drip stands or lug their wound drainage bags and catheter bags, tales from ward orderlies and the lady who brings the morning newspapers. People are endlessly fascinating to me, and their shared stories remind me that we are so alike in our differing journeys and struggles.
For we all face struggles. That is the nature of life. If it’s not one thing, it’s something else.
Even so, it’s a beautiful journey, life. I’m very grateful for mine.
Things will be back to normal, little by little, here on the blog and in my everyday world. I’m okay with things needing to be slow. Slow is all I can do for now.
I’ll swing by here again just as soon as I’m able.
Hugs and love, Nicole <3 xx
Best wishes for a quick recovery
Nicole I wish you a speedy recovery. And I wish I had your mental fortitude, I’m dealing with a Rheumatiod arthritis flare up and the pain is incredible my mind is in a terrible place as I was just informed that I’m in need of bilateral hip replacements. I’m turning the big 50 next week. I only wish to have your strength. I’m so tired all the . And like you I’m up from 1:00-4::00′ a.m.
Praying and meditating. Your a true inspiration. Thank you much love and blessings..🙏🙏🙏👼👼👼
Hi Bridget,
Sending strength and energy your way. Take one step at a time and first of all: Happy Birthday next week!
Safe and speedy recovery Nicole!
Nicole – despite all these challenges thrown your way, it sounds like you have managed to tap deep into your inner strength and resources.. You’re an inspiration. Thank you!! Don’t forget that we are all BE-ings not DO-ings… so wishing you much Be-ing, in love, light and healing
You beautiful soul. Hoping you are on the mend soon. Sending much love from Shepparton x x
You are loved by so many including me. Thank you for being you.
Love Brenda
I so love how you can use a hard or painful situation to do good things. Love you. Get better soon <3
Thank you. Blessings, healing, love, and light.
Nicole, to find the positive in the midst of so much pain and suffering is truly amazing. I do trust you are allowing yourself to feel the moments, as even these horrible moments are wisdom filled. I speak from bittersweet experience – multiple hospitalizations and abdominal surgeries, one lasting 17 weeks, so I do understand only a bit of what you are going through. My prayers, positive thoughts and lots of energy are coming your way. You are such a gift to this world !
Namaste!
Debbie
God Bless you dear Nicole. What a journey you have chosen for yourself this time around. Strength, understanding and blessings. xx
Wow Nicole, what a ride!!! Huge medical setbacks and amazing reflection time while also collecting stories from others…. Hope the worst is over and whishing for a good recovery period, however long it may take. Grateful you could return to your aunties regularly. Looking forward to reading ypur memoires when publication time is there. Hang in there!! You are amazing!! Much love to you and also for Ben. 😘❤️
All of the love, prayer and well-wishes. It is so good to hear from you. (Happy belated birthday, might I add <3 <3)
Good to hear from you! I wish you a complete recovery and can’t wait to read your book 🙂
Bless you , you look like an angel lying there . You are in my prayers , you take care my sweet🙏Xx
Cherryx
Thinking of you Nicole. Wishing you well as always. Brace Warrior.
Hi Nicole ! Wonderful to see an update from you……get well soon & have ample rest…sending loads of healing,love,prayer & wishes….Kalpa
Hello wonderful Nicole, thank you for managing a
post. I can see that in spite of it all you have a tranquil light around you. The launch of that memoir of yours will be a wonderful time. I have no doubt it will happen. You are an inspiration
Love and Light xxx
. . .and wings at the temples. . .they are a happy thing. . .good for lifting up and forward
May the Aunties take you in and continue to share with you ways of extending into comfort and freedom. You are brave and gentle and bold, dear one. May you be held.
Dear Nicole, get well as soon as your body allows.Rest easy in the hammock woven from love, sunshine( and a bit of dog hair for good measure) sent by all your friends and family.XX🌹
of course you would use this time to journey, explore, listen, learn and find ways to understand the universe, people and yourself – because that’s what a Warrior Princess does. You are resilient, remarkable and resolute in your journey to make the best of any situation this life throws at you. You are an inspiration. You are a wonder. And you are awesome on legs. It’s good to know the doctor’s are happy with your healing progress. Wishing you a complete, painless and happy recovery, my Queen of Hearts. Please take care. No point saying “don’t push yourself” because I don’t think you understand that concept – and besides, that’s not YOU. Sending you love and hugs and healing energy. xoxoxoxo
Hey Nicole, it’s lovely to read your updates. You are still very much in everyone’s thoughts and prayers. I recognise that gown – luckily I’ve only had to don it once this year. Continue to heal, and enjoy your earthly and astral meet-ups. Lots of love <3 xx
Nik, Grace n Grandson prepare to fly Home To Gizo early tomorrow morn. I’ll send a small crystal with them to be recharged then I send it on to you when they get back. Always in our thoughts.
Mike, that would mean the world to me. Thank you xx
Thank goodness for meditation and mind travelling 🙂 <3
Alive and recovering is the best you can be at this stage, I have prayed for you to continue to recover and have less and less pain each day, all you can do is take it one day at a time continue to fight to recover and give your body the rest it needs to recover.
Wow – what courage!! I wish I could more to help Nicole – just sending massive love and hugs xxxx
Loving thoughts. I see you surrounded the healing light of God’s love.
hellooooo 🙂 so glad you touched base, you have been in my thoughts, sorry to hear you have had a rough ride I hope things improve from now on for you .
Healings thoughts
Deb xo
Please know that you have been in my thoughts and prayers. You are such an inspiration and beacon of light and love. Thank you for all you send out into the world. It is greatly appreciated. Xxx
Sending lots of love and prayers for a complete recovery and being able to go to your home, husband and doggies in the country soon! I love you Nicole!
Wishing you love, light and a good recovery Nicole, Here hoping you are better in health than when you went in to hospital and you continue to heal until you reach your desired level of good health.
Thankyou for the update, you have been on my mind.
Wish i was closer to be able to come visit you in hospital, but know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hope Ben and the dogs are traveling ok too. With love xxxx