A wonderful gift may not be wrapped as you expect.Jonathan Lockwood Huie
So, here I am, back at my desk. (For those of you not sure what this is about read this.)
Not back at work. Not yet. Just back at my desk for a short visit, to write an update for you, and to check in with my team.
I know that most of you are used to me working through illness, working from my hospital bed, or from my desk in my pyjamas. I’ve spent my entire adult life living with chronic fatigue, autoimmune disorders, genetic stuff and Lyme. If I’ve wanted to get any of it done, there hasn’t been any choice but to soldier on. That’s been my normal.
This time though, I have a new doctor. He’s old school. And he has no time for the excuses, validations and reasonings I gave him for needing to continue to work from bed in the Critical Care unit, and then when I went home under instructions to have complete rest.
Rest means rest, Nicole, he said. Not blogging, not emails, not planning and spending time making lists or working in your business. Not managing everyone else’s problems. Complete rest means physical rest, emotional rest, spiritual rest, rest from any kind of stress or toil. You need to look after your heart.
So, I have done what he’s asked.
It was easy at first, because I had so much chest pain, and the whole situation was scary. But now the pain is just an occasional niggle. So, I should be feeling better, right? Shouldn’t I be back on deck by now? I still have so much fatigue. On top of that there’s brain fog. Arthritis. Arrhythmias. Some of the scary symptoms and feelings I last experienced at the lowest points of my health journey. It’s not constant. Some days I am better. Some days I am worse. I’ll be honest, on the bad days part of me worries I might not ever get back on top of this.
(Let’s also be clear about one thing: I had heart issues before my Pfizer vaccinations. Many things in the past have stirred up my heart, my autoimmune issues and my chronic fatigue. I don’t blame the vaccination for all of this. It’s collateral damage based on the fact that my body was already weak, stressed and not well-functioning due to past viral and bacterial infections, which kicked off a whole range of miseries for me. As I read about people with long COVID, my heart goes out to them, because what they are discovering now, the limitations they are living with, and the lack of support and help they are experiencing has been my reality for 35 years. Nothing much has changed, except that I have learned to manage myself better, accept and live within my limits. But that’s a whole other blogpost. Would I get the vaccination again? Every. Single. Time. Why? If I get COVID I’ll die. Even double vaccinated it’s still dicey. On top of that, I need to protect loved ones who are also immune compromised. I want to look after my community. And I want to do my part to lessen the burdens placed on our health care workers.)
I went back to my cardiologist on Monday, and he advised that my heart was still inflamed and he wanted me to have two more weeks of rest, then we’d reassess, followed by a very slow return to ‘light duties’. He expected about 12 weeks of this level of incapacity. In fact, he even suggested that I consider moving to part-time work permanently.
I won’t lie. That totally bummed me out.
Another of my doctors called me today, as my latest test results landed in his inbox. He asked me what I was doing, and I told him I was sitting at my desk, trying to think about what to write for an update blog.
How about ‘Managing My Unrealistic Expectations‘? he said.
He then gave me the lecture about how important my health is, and how central my heart is to my continued wellbeing, and that this scary fatigue is a normal part of heart issues and my own autoimmune and inflammatory responses. He reminded me that we have managed me out of this situation many times. He also reminded me that I am getting older, and am likely to bounce back slower each time. He reminded me that if I damage my heart further there is no way to fix it.
I’m actively working to make different choices. Ones that put my current needs central to the rest of my life.
My biggest battles right now are mental ones. If I give in to what is, and surrender, then I can see so many beautiful possibilities, and so much to be grateful for. If I keep thinking about all my stuffed up plans and timelines? Well, that’s when I feel like falling apart. Luckily I have a great sister and a great team who are right by my side in business and in friendship, and my wonderful husband Ben and two loyal pups who keep reminding me what matters.
Sometimes the nights are still too long. I’ve had to sit with some very traumatic memories and dig deep to process some big personal learnings. But isn’t that what makes life so meaningful? Isn’t that what makes you grow? What brings you wisdom?
Meanwhile, as I lie here doing nothing, I have shipments landing on the docks here in Australia filled with wonderful surprises that I’ll soon be able to share with you.
Meanwhile our 2022 Planners are somewhere in the middle of the ocean, nearing their final destinations.
It will all be fine. As long as I can wrangle my unrealistic expectations back under control.
Love, hugs, and the best of bedroom views, Nicole xx
20 thoughts on “Managing My Unrealistic Expectations”
Great to read your update. Lol for days and days I have had to stop checking your blog for an update because I just became more worried when there was nothing.
I am sure it is okay to dispense with your super woman cape and quite literally be totally present for how your heart is calling to you to grow right now.
Not that restoration is easy but by golly that view from the bedroom window is worth resting for in my humble opinion.
I keep getting the image of a chrysalis patient in the waiting to take flight.
Be gentler than gentle with your journey forth.
Oh it is So great to hear from you Nicole! Thank you for taking the time to fill us in, and I’m SO glad you’ve been ‘doing as you’re told’ regarding REST! Please keep on resting & receiving all our prayers & healing vibes & gratitude for all the amazingness that you are <3 Phew, I'm relieved, to be honest, I was feeling rather concerned. Loads of Love
You have been in my heart and mind for days–so thankful you are doing what you need to do for YOU. You often tell others to do this, your turn!!!! Or is it our turn to remind you? Resting is one of the more frustrating things we can do. Books can eventually pall–not a TV person, so not sure how to use rest and the tube together!!! Sending you my encouragement and blessings from the East or Oregon. Every day of rest is one day closer to being up and about again-
Go on doing a great job doing nothing (that IS a lot of work!). Wonderful to hear from you again.
I’m so pleased the Doctors have laid down the law so to speak. Let go and let the Universe. Part time sounds like a plan !!!! Remember change is inevitable to all of us. It’s the small things in life that count, not deadlines or work. So take good care of you. Readjustment is hard, but when one just let’s go, life is beautiful. Xxx
Blessings. Warm hugs. Huge smiles. And healing-soothing love your way, beautiful soul xox
Nicole so glad to see you back and upright even if only for a tiny time..that Doctor sounds very wise..take it gently, ..it’s not giving up it’s recalibrating…we are sometimes forced into the desert of ourselves where we find diamonds in the muck (although I’m sure muck isn’t much a desert thing with the lack of water) but we are gifted back during dark times…I’m sorry that it’s so tough now and I look forward to the riches you might speak about when times become a little easier …feel better real soon….x
What great doctors you have Nicole; we could all do with listening to them the way you are listening to them! And the fabulous view you have from your bedroom in your “House In The Trees’; take strength and learning from those trees too.
Wishing you, your family and your team well – how lucky we all are to have you all in our lives. xx
We all are here for you. So you take care of that precious self we all love ane cherish. We’ll be right here when your health feels ready to get back on track. Take all the time in the universe. After all, we’re all aware there is alternate methods of taking care of each other. In thoughts, in prayers and in the warmth of love and well intended wishes. Grateful for the love and support you are blessed with.
Lots of Love,
We’ll stay strong for you. You stay strong for us as well.
Lovely to hear from you, Nicole. Sending warm, healing thoughts your way. Please just lay back and enjoy them a while. 💕
Really good to hear some news. Sending blessings your way.
Your such a blessing dear lady your in my prayers glad to see your post health is everything. Following since 2011
Thank you for updating us, Nicole. I’ve been looking every day to see if you’re ok. Will continue to think of you.
That new doctor sounds like a keeper! Apparently he understands you need to be spoken to frankly. AND he gets the mind, body and spirit! I love him!
I love that you’re being taken care of – because YOU always take care of so many people. It’s your turn.
Your “get vacced” message is a great one – especially in a community that sometimes isn’t receptive to those kinds of things.
Please follow these wonderful doctors advice, please rest, please do nothing and please take care. We will all be here when you get back.
And yay! your awesome team. Wisely, you’ve surrounded yourself by some amazing humans – and they got your back, Jack!
Thank you Ben for being our Nicole’s rock.
And thank you pups for keeping Nicole in the present with your hugs and love.
Thinking of you always, Nicole and sending you and your posse, all the love.
So good to hear from you but even better to know that you are taking care of you xx Sending much love and healing.
Take it as easy as you can and heal
How great is your new Doctor? He won’t be bullied by you.
Your treehouse is the best place to be. No farm to worry about so that is one less thing.
A fabulous view from your bed.
Your spiritual community praying for your health.
Your chest pains and other symptoms lessening.
It always feels worse when you have felt better and then fall back into near death.
You are always saying to me about getting older and listen to my body and I can’t do now what I used to .
You will get back to where you were before. You now have some protective immunity
Life will never be the same for any of us.
Love you, thinking and praying for you. Mxxx
Take care and so good to see you
You are constantly held in the healing aspect of my daily meditations – much love, Paul x
please be careful with yourself. Listen to your Heart. I Wish i could do Something for you.